High expectations with hyper verbal kids. Support?

[Tandem mama]

I am thinking I'm probably not the only one who often needs reminders that my child is emotionally her actual age, even if cognitively and verbally she tests at a level way beyond her actual age. I can talk to her like she's older and she understands but she acts like her age and then I get caught thinking "you're smarter than this. You know better." and that's when I slip into yelling. I'm getting better at reminding myself "this is three. Three does this."

It's a big challenge for me in my process through the paradigm shift to expect age appropriate behaviors and to remember they are age appropriate. I'd love to get support and resources specifically dealing with this issue and hear from others who have the same struggle or who've overcome the same struggle.

[chasingbutterflies]

I have this "problem" with my just turned 2yo. I've never had a 2yo who can talk in 4-5 word sentences before like he can (my first was actually in speech therapy at this age) and it makes me forget sometimes that he is barely more than a baby.

I do a lot of "he is only 2!" in my head too... :)

[MaySunflowers]

When my daughter was 18 months everyone that didn't already know her asked when she had turned 3.

I didn't really struggle with treating her like she was more able than she was... but the ability to understand had its benefits too when trying to correct her. I found once you could get the 3 year old emotions in place again that explanations could go a long way... it was easier to get over cycles of behavior because her understanding caught up a lot quicker.

[AngelaVA]

I totally understand this. My daughter is extremely verbal since and early age and is developmentally delayed in other areas so we have a massive contrast! One thing that I am FINALLY learning is just because she can express something doesn't mean she can process me saying the exact same thing to her.

[Tandem mama]

So glad I'm no alone in this! Gcm is helping me make big strides with this but it is one of my two biggest challenges.

[joyinthejourney]

Being around other kids their age helps us see what behavior is normal (like at church, we help in their classes).

Realizing much of it is mimicry, even tho they REALLY seem to know what they're saying....they only grasp a small part of the meaning.

---------- Post added at 02:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:05 PM ----------

(And even when they grasp the meaning...they don't have the maturity to handle much of what they understand....)

[Pookamama]

Being around other kids their age helps us see what behavior is normal (like at church, we help in their classes).

Realizing much of it is mimicry, even tho they REALLY seem to know what they're saying....they only grasp a small part of the meaning.

---------- Post added at 02:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:05 PM ----------

(And even when they grasp the meaning...they don't have the maturity to handle much of what they understand....)
Oh wow! I needed to hear this today!
Thanks!

[PDX Mommy]

I don't think that E was hyper verbal, but I definitely am guilty of this. He is pretty verbal--esp comparing his younger brother--and I forget that he's still going to do typical, age-expected behavior. Now, with J, he's a little behind verbally and I find that I baby him probably a little more than I should--but it does help me to have age-appropriate expectations. ;)

[forty-two]

I forget sometimes that A isn't just a mini-R, her verbal skills are so good :bag. Combine that with some regression (and the fact that this is a hard age for me in the first place) and it doesn't always go well :sigh. I've been doing better since I recognized the problem, though :phew.

I think one of the greatest parenting gifts God gave me was R not talking till after she turned two (and A not talking till 18mo) - kept me seeing her as a baby and I needed that :yes.

[PlateauMama]

Being around other kids their age helps us see what behavior is normal (like at church, we help in their classes).

Realizing much of it is mimicry, even tho they REALLY seem to know what they're saying....they only grasp a small part of the meaning.

---------- Post added at 02:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:05 PM ----------

(And even when they grasp the meaning...they don't have the maturity to handle much of what they understand....)

Thanks! That's all really helpful.

[Starfox]

We're here too. Aaron was speaking really really early, and is really conscious of pronunciation and saying things correctly. I constantly have to remind myself he's 4.

His grandparents always lump him in with his 7 year old cousin behavior-expectation wise and not with the 3.5 year old cousin who is verbally delayed. It's frustrating to say the least. I do a lot of "Aaron is sooooooo 4 years old!":heart:yes When we're around them.

I say that a lot to myself too.

[StrangeTraveller]

I have had a hard time with this, too. DS2 is two years younger than DS1 but I have often treated them as twins. Iz started talking full sentences around 18 months old. When he turned 3 I was stunned because I had literally thought he had been three for months at that point. He just didn't "act" two --- aside from the metldowns and emotional stuff that I couldn't figure out. :doh It's so hard for both us and others to remember that he's just not very old. It's tough.

[Tandem mama]

I don't think that E was hyper verbal, but I definitely am guilty of this. He is pretty verbal--esp comparing his younger brother--and I forget that he's still going to do typical, age-expected behavior. Now, with J, he's a little behind verbally and I find that I baby him probably a little more than I should--but it does help me to have age-appropriate expectations. ;)
I have remarked several times that Charlotte is more a baby to me than Lydia ever was. It makes me sad that I didn't let Lydia be a baby long enough.


I think one of the greatest parenting gifts God gave me was R not talking till after she turned two (and A not talking till 18mo) - kept me seeing her as a baby and I needed that :yes.
:yes Charlotte is high needs and being able to still see her as a baby is definitely good for me. I'm less frustrated when she's sooooo needy.

[Daria_Aleksandrovna]

My son is verbal too, easily speaking sentences by 2 - but I always put it down to him parroting really well. For example, he got a world map as Christmas present at 21 mos and within 2 months he memorised all countries and could point them on map, so incredible memory may have nothing to do with actual emotional development. A lot of 'logic' has to do with memory as well - he's just good at following instruction well and memorise it, making him look 'smart'.

Hmm, I went to one of top universities in the world and have met a few geniuses, but surprisingly found empathy/maturity/behaviour has to do with IQ only to small extent. Hmm would like to dig out resources too.

There is a well meaning relative who keeps saying 'he's too smart not to be potty-trained already'. Argh.

[ValiantJoy07]

I have 2 verbal kiddos... dd2 more so than even dd1 was (she just turned 2 in August and is speaking in paragraphs, making up songs about situation [:giggle] etc) and I find myself being WAY harder on her than I was with her big sissy. :blush

:popcorn because I am STRUGGLING. I feel like there are things they KNOW and or should know (because we've been over it 198023948 times)...But I need a reality check: they really are just very small and still need a lot of supervision and reminders.

[WingsOfTheMorning]

Realizing much of it is mimicry, even tho they REALLY seem to know what they're saying....they only grasp a small part of the meaning.

---------- Post added at 02:18 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:05 PM ----------

(And even when they grasp the meaning...they don't have the maturity to handle much of what they understand....)

:yes I always get a big reality check when Lydia misuses a word. When I announced my pg w/ Penny, Lydia was not yet 2.5. She kept telling DH and me "congratulations!" and could pronounce it perfectly, but obviously thought it meant something like "hi!" :giggle

There is a well meaning relative who keeps saying 'he's too smart not to be potty-trained already'. Argh.

:hug2 So frustrating. Lydia, almost 3.5 isn't potty trained yet. I keep reminding myself that she's never been ahead in her physical milestones. Being able to talk well has little do to with potty training as far as I can tell.

[forty-two]

My son is verbal too, easily speaking sentences by 2 - but I always put it down to him parroting really well. For example, he got a world map as Christmas present at 21 mos and within 2 months he memorised all countries and could point them on map, so incredible memory may have nothing to do with actual emotional development. A lot of 'logic' has to do with memory as well - he's just good at following instruction well and memorise it, making him look 'smart'.
<snip>
There is a well meaning relative who keeps saying 'he's too smart not to be potty-trained already'. Argh.

R (and A, for that matter) has an incredible memory, too - and she wasn't potty-trained till 3.5yo :shrug3. It was more parent error than anything, though :shifty - had no clue how to do it and it frustrated me to no end, so I kept putting it off :bag. But once she figured it out, she was solid :yes - went overnight from completely untrained to completely trained :shrug3. Really was potty learning in her case.

(Potty-training A right now - deliberately ran out of diapers so there was no going back :shifty - first few days the pull-ups (yes, I know, boo-hiss - but I *cannot* deal with the mess otherwise) might have well been diapers :sigh, but I got the hang of reminding her, and now she has started to go on her own. I think we have turned the corner :nails.)

[sweetpeas]

My observation (my older girls, and several friends with highly verbal children) is that age 2 is (mostly) easier (although now, with Little Bit I'm seeing the same struggles I had with her sisters at 3, and she's not 3 until the end of March, but she desperately WANTS to be 8 like her sisters so I think that's a factor too) but then 3 is a challenge, perhaps more so because we skipped the communication challenges so many go through with 2 year olds? That's my observation/hypothesis anyway.

If you haven't read Raising Your Spirited Child, I found it invaluable when the twins were 3, I think it saved their life LOL. I think even children who don't meet the definition of spirited, this book helps you work through their 3-ness.

[WingsOfTheMorning]

My observation (my older girls, and several friends with highly verbal children) is that age 2 is (mostly) easier (although now, with Little Bit I'm seeing the same struggles I had with her sisters at 3, and she's not 3 until the end of March, but she desperately WANTS to be 8 like her sisters so I think that's a factor too) but then 3 is a challenge, perhaps more so because we skipped the communication challenges so many go through with 2 year olds? That's my observation/hypothesis anyway.

I agree!

[Tandem mama]

I have been meaning to read that book. Also "your three year old" I think it's called? Though I can't recall the author

[staceylayne]

I don't have any answers but I'm there with you...my not yet 3yo has been talking for ages, is big for her age, very independent and carries herself "older" and I find it really difficult at times to have age appropriate expectations for her. She's been out of diapers since 20 months and wears 4T and 5T clothes. I'm afraid I do treat her too old too often. Like expecting her to be rational. :doh I think I get most frustrated with her in her interactions with her baby sister...D is so rough with the baby.

She's been pretending to be a "little bitty baby" a lot lately and wanting me to hold, carry and do things for her. I usually indulge her but sometimes have to ask for "little girl D" to come back. Is that ok?

I always get a big reality check when Lydia misuses a word. When I announced my pg w/ Penny, Lydia was not yet 2.5. She kept telling DH and me "congratulations!" and could pronounce it perfectly, but obviously thought it meant something like "hi!"

This too!

I think you (TM) have a double whammy with Lydia as your first b/c the first always seems so big anyway. (Poor oldest kids...I often feel sorry for our "practice baby" as he bears the brunt of the parenting learning curve.)

[WingsOfTheMorning]

She's been pretending to be a "little bitty baby" a lot lately and wanting me to hold, carry and do things for her. I usually indulge her but sometimes have to ask for "little girl D" to come back. Is that ok?

I don't know, but Lydia does this too. I usually just insist with some things like (before weaning) she can't just nurse all day. It doesn't
fill her up anymore. :shrug3 So I'd say, "It's fun to pretend to be a baby, but you are growing girl and your body needs food too."

I think you (TM) have a double whammy with Lydia as your first b/c the first always seems so big anyway. (Poor oldest kids...I often feel sorry for our "practice baby" as he bears the brunt of the parenting learning curve.)

:yes I pray that she's strong. ;)

[tempus vernum]

I struggle with this alot - my third child is SO old for her age - what she says, what she does, even how she plays BUT she is unable to do ALOT of things still (chores, getting ready when I shout out "we are leaving in 5 minutes", sitting for long periods of time, etc). Totally normal at 6 but her skills belie her age and I forget especially since her siblings are 5.5 and 4 years older than her :doh

The funny thing is she's tiny. She's 6 years old and wears a 5T :shrug3 Doesn't keep me from expecting too much :doh

She can sit and read a chapter book for over an hour or so (she silently read 2 books back to back at lunch today). But her attention span for anything SHE'S not interested in is short. I know it's normal but it still throws me :doh

:hugheart

[Tandem mama]

I struggle with this alot - my third child is SO old for her age - what she says, what she does, even how she plays BUT she is unable to do ALOT of things still (chores, getting ready when I shout out "we are leaving in 5 minutes", sitting for long periods of time, etc). Totally normal at 6 but her skills belie her age and I forget especially since her siblings are 5.5 and 4 years older than her :doh

The funny thing is she's tiny. She's 6 years old and wears a 5T :shrug3 Doesn't keep me from expecting too much :doh

She can sit and read a chapter book for over an hour or so (she silently read 2 books back to back at lunch today). But her attention span for anything SHE'S not interested in is short. I know it's normal but it still throws me :doh

:hugheart


My sunshine is tiny for her age, as well. And she can sit for hours coloring and her attention span for that stuff is fine. But like your daughter it's only what SHE wants to pay attention to.


In other news, I did pretty well yesterday with expecting her to act three. :)