Why is getting them ready to go so stressful?!

[Rabbit]

It ends badly every single time. I lose my temper and yell at them just about every time, and it is ruining trips that should be special and fun. HELP! How do I chill out?!

First, here's what going out looks like:

Something critical to our trip will be missing. It will take twenty minutes to find it, and looking for it means coming across every single mess, especially the previously hidden ones, that the children have made, and thus both the lost time, and the messes will start to really get to me. Today, while I was in a tiny cramped closet trying to wrest a lunch bag out from under a horde of toys Simon hid (from himself even) in there, Seth came up behind me and started fighting me, because he couldn't get around me. That REALLY got to me. I was stuck, and couldn't reach him to make him stop, or get the bag loose.

While I'm looking and gathering other items, Seth and Simon will continue to take their excited energy and channel it into chaos, noise, fights, and more mess.

Then there's dressing them. Samantha dresses herself in the blink of an eye. She even brushes her hair.

Simon will put on his clothes if I lay them out for him, but he will wander off and have to be redirected to his clothes after each. and. every. item. He'll need help with his jeans snap. (Why are a five year old's jeans harder to snap than my own?! All of his jeans hurt my fingers.)

Then the shoes. :crazy He wants to sag all limp into the couch, and have me do it, with zero effort or help on his part. It's not happening. I put his shoes and socks in front of him, and just refuse to do it. Cue meltdown. He FREAKS out over picking which sock should go on which foot, and insists that there must be a right sock and a left sock, and I have to show him which. I tried to just designate a sock, but no, the toes are sewn square, so they don't mold to his foot in the precise way he expects. By this time, he's screaming and sobbing and WHINING. I'm screaming back at him. It's awful.

And we haven't even gotten to the shoes yet. While he's putting them on, the tongue gets shoved into the toe, which means more crying. He wants to wear them backwards, but then they don't feel right, and he's screaming more, and has to switch them back, but he's mad at his shoes and himself and me. He has a method for the velcro, and it has to be just perfectly right. It will take 45 minutes for him to put his shoes on. He handled sandals just fine, since the second the spring got warm enough for them. This is his first year being 100% responsible for his own sneakers. He has resisted shoes since he was a toddler. Seth has logged more hours in shoes since his birth than Simon has since his own birth.

So. Once Simon is dressed, the fun is long gone, and it's just now time to dress Seth. Seth is two. He will strip himself the second he senses my attention is distracted. Simon pinballing around the room in shoe anguish (and into Samantha, and then fighting with Samantha) will do that.

We're not done yet! The bags are packed (lunch, snacks, water bottles, diapers, wipes, first aid kit, keys, wallet, phone, jackets for the bigs, blanket for Seth). Time to go outside and load up on either the bikes or get in the car. Seth doesn't want in his straps. Simon has to be first, in everything, or he cries. He doesn't get to be first just because he cries, so he cries a lot.

Samantha at this point is DONE. She wants to go back inside, and forget the whole thing.

Given that Simon and Seth are not going to miraculously develop Samantha's maturity this fall, how can I get through this season without blowing my top?

What mantra can I repeat to myself to cool down? Me losing my temper is making everything worse.

What are your tips for dealing with toddlers and resistant five year olds?

Any other insights?

[Ellen]

I get this! I only have two kids to manage, and they don't have the same level of intensity that yours do . . . yet trying to get places stresses me out too, in a big way sometimes.

I will listen along for mantras and tips.

The only suggestion I can offer, and you probably already do it when you can manage it: try to have all bags (especially lunch) packed and everything ready the night before. If we have a big outing in the morning, this is the only way I can get out of the house without scrambling around and stressing.

One more: If you're going in the car, can you just bring Simon's socks and shoes along to put on when you get there? If it's a fun place, maybe the immediacy of getting to go play or whatever can help him cooperate better with the shoes?

[Rabbit]

I tried to take the stress off by having half of it done the night before, but I think I am going to have to do the whole thing, all the way down to the smallest details. It's exhausting. Their allergies mean no prepackaged foods.

Today, Simon was riding his bike, so shoes were not optional. I think I will leave him time to get it done, and if it's not done, he's automatically a trailer rider that day. But I think if I told him that up front, as a consequence for his behavior, he'd just freak out in the trailer, hip and shoulder with Seth, and that can't happen.

[tazmom]

:hugheart

I'm right there with you. It looks a little different, but it's still full of lost things, kids trying to play and/or fight instead of getting ready, and me or dh yelling at least once. It takes me 2 hours to get from wake up to ready to go and I'm almost always stressed out and angry. It is maddening.

Our kids are similar in ages. I'm really, really, really hoping it's a product of the ages/stages they're all in right now. :shifty

[IslandHome]

One thing which has helped with our 5 year old (finally) dressing himself is turning it into a race. We'll make it a race between him getting dressed and something else (folding washing, dressing his brother, making his lunch... anything really :giggle) It's stopped the dawdling, and the 'I can't do it' whining, and suddenly he does it all by himself and in record time. Just this week I've also printed out a checklist (with pictures) of things he needs to do every morning, and he's also loving checking those off.

[ArmsOfLove]

:think

do you have a routine set at a certain point in the morning that involves getting dressed and ready for the day so that at the time to leave there are only a few things that have to be done?

can you take any part of that with you on the road for them to do in the car or when you get there--when the excitement is real and visible and they want to work with you to get there faster?

is there anything that Samantha can do to help?

[Rabbit]

I got way behind in putting away clean laundry, due to the change in seasons (switching out wardrobe both stored and new) nd the simultaneous destruction of the linen closet by a cat. So the routine for getting their own clothes out of their drawers has been disrupted.

We went out today, so I think that tomorrow we will stay home, finally finish putting away the laundry, and get ready for tomorrow's outing.

[ArmsOfLove]

:hugheart

I'm right there with you. It looks a little different, but it's still full of lost things, kids trying to play and/or fight instead of getting ready, and me or dh yelling at least once. It takes me 2 hours to get from wake up to ready to go and I'm almost always stressed out and angry. It is maddening.

Our kids are similar in ages. I'm really, really, really hoping it's a product of the ages/stages they're all in right now. :shifty
It is a lot about the ages and stages :yes

for me it was also a lot about accepting the reality of what went into getting children my children's ages out of the house. I kept focusing on what it *should* be or on how tough it was or how . . . insert personal frustration ;) When I resigned myself and accepted what it *was* my attitude got a lot better. I also set aside more reasonable amounts of time and made sure I was focused to move us towards leaving the house.

OH--one thing that was huge for us! I stopped telling everyone to do things that they couldn't (wouldn't) do on their own. I realized I was telling this or that child over and over "go get your shoes" "go get your shoes" "sit down and put your shoes on" "sit down and put your shoes on" etc etc etc At least one of my children--even after he was *able* to dress himself he has anxiety that required I be there while he dressed. So I shifted gears--I made a list of what needed to be done and then *I* moved us through the list--saying things ONLY when *I* was ready to do them.

"Here--sit down and I'm putting your shoes on you"; "Take this shirt--put it on." etc. Once they realized I was serious about us getting ready to go and was involved in what they were doing they started helping me--and eventually helping each other and taking on their own stuff :tu

[Rabbit]

Simon's anxiety is huge, but I am also terrified that I will get in the way of him growing up, by never giving him enough responsibility. Samantha was the first to say that one of us needs to put his shoes on him, but he is making zero effort to help himself. It is impossible to put shoes on completely limp feet, and that both frustrated me, and makes me feel either taken advantage of, or like I'm spoiling him.

Teaching him to wipe his own rear was similar, but I could clearly see the steps there. He had to work with wet wipes first, as paper was too much drama to just get off the roll and into a useable wad. He had to just try, with me handing him each wipe, and then I'd finish up. Now he can get started without me, and usually doesn't need a follow up wipe. And so I keep working my way out of his potty routine.

The only thing stopping Simon from handling his own shoes is the anxiety over the socks.

[Little Forest]

Mantra: This will all be a distant memory one day! Or, This will get easier! (or, This is so stressful! to validate myself or Lord, have mercy on me! depending)

I sing a lot, sometimes a fast paced song when things are frantic, or sometimes a slower one to match the calmness that I wish there were. I find it easy to channal my frustrations of the moment this way. (It is just too cute when I start singing a Cole Porter song or Rodgers and Hammerstein and the girls start singing it along because they learned it from hearing me!)

I competely know the feeling, although I don't think I have as hard a time with mine now. Sometimes you just have to wait it out for them to get older and it will get easier.
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[Rabbit]

I feel like there is an enormous clock hanging over us, ticking loudly, telling me how much I suck as a mother because this is taking too long. I stopped myself from posting something on FB because I had already posted that we were getting ready to go, two hours ago, and I didnt want anybody connecting the dots and seeing that we were not yet out of the house. I know that is neurotic.

[ArmsOfLove]

The only thing stopping Simon from handling his own shoes is the anxiety over the socks. I think you may need to break it down like the rear wiping. You aren't holding him back if you are teaching him how to do it and having him try first one part and then the other. If the only thing holding him back on the shoes is the socks then put the socks on him :shrug3 Do you have the socks that are seamless?

It is also reasonable to take the "see one, do one, teach one" sort of approach and show him several times (he's young and has some anxiety+ going on so give him several :) ) and then have him try the first and/or last step and then wean yourself out of it. It still takes you the same amount of planned time but it will be transitioning so that it takes less time later :hug

Remember that you are teaching to special needs and dealing with 3 very young children. Imagine yourself as an OT and look at everything like a teaching opportunity. You'll at least feel more productive that you finished that lesson on shoe putting on :)

[Rabbit]

Seamless socks? What is this wonder you speak of? The choices I have seen in store are Hanes, Fruit of the Loom, and store brand, each in calf or ankle height, and all three brands are virtually identical. Rectangular tubes with barely a discernible heel. I feel for him on this one. I know his socks are bunching, and are poorly shaped. The seams are thicker than any of my own socks.

[Quiteria]

I feel like there is an enormous clock hanging over us, ticking loudly, telling me how much I suck as a mother because this is taking too long. I stopped myself from posting something on FB because I had already posted that we were getting ready to go, two hours ago, and I didnt want anybody connecting the dots and seeing that we were not yet out of the house. I know that is neurotic.

:haha :hugheart I laugh because it takes us a minimum of two hours these days, too. Every. time. And I have had that exact same thought. :shifty :hug2

Well, actually you've seen my facebook...there is virtually nothing posted...but aside from that small detail, I have avoided telling IRL friends via chat that we are getting ready or on our way because it seems so ridiculous to admit that it's 3pm and we have been working on getting out the door all morning long.

Anyhow :whistle I've been thinking about posting a similar thread, as I'm still in the trenches of this, but things are going a teeny bit better right now. I've started designating something for them to do once they're ready, instead of bouncing off the walls in anticipation while they wait for the last people to get ready. Lately, I've been making them sit in their beanbags in front of the tv and telling them that I need them to watch something while baby and I get dressed.:shifty The computer also works, except for the sharing part...but possibly for Samantha since she's fully ready so early. Or maybe she can retreat to her room with a chapter book? Mine are starting to get used to this as a new routine, instead of crowding at the door.

I hear you on the clock ticking. Our current issue like this is washing my 10yo's hair...surely she should be capable by now?!? But I know we got through the stage of putting on shoes, so as someone a few years down the line, I'd tell you that it's okay to keep putting them on right now since he's demonstrating that he can't yet mentally/emotionally/sensorily handle full independence on those quite yet. When dd was 5, she was still in public school, and I had to get her dressed while she went limp noodle, because the 45min delay otherwise was getting us in trouble with attendance, no matter how early we started or how prepared. :doh So, at 5yo, I was dressing my kindergartener and buckling her seat belt, and brushing her hair in the car when we got there (like everyone is saying about the excitement of arriving, it worked for that.) Gradually things did get handed off. Now, she can be told to get herself completely ready and even help find socks for the others, occasionally even get their shoes on if they're cooperating. But it wasn't at 5, even though it felt like it ought to be. Some of it was the next year, or even mid-year, but for much of 5, I just kept doing everything. It was a lot more peaceful to just do it at my pace, and like AOL said, walk her through it as a teaching opportunity, handing off one step at a time and being right there present to intercept the anxiety...if there was a moment that was going to ruin the whole thing, I reassured that I was still available to take over, and then did it. It helped that she is our oldest, so that was just our normal.

For shoes...I would put the socks on for sure.
Probably prepare the shoes by loosening up the laces or velco to pull out the tongues.
Probably put on the first shoe since there's the backwards issue to avoid.
Then hand him the second shoe, with a big opening from the tongue being pulled out, and tell him that you're going to tighten up the shoe yourself after he puts it on.
Then transition to teaching him how to tighten the shoe, and then working on putting on the first shoe onto the foot you designate, then working on socks.
Thankfully we haven't had to buy the special socks, but you might try a pair to see how it goes. I know parents who swear by them.

---------- Post added at 09:34 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:25 AM ----------

http://www.smartknitkids.com/

http://www.tootsiesstriderite.com/site/547049/page/118294
This one says you can get a free 3 pack for liking them on Facebook!!!!

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/seamless-socks.html

[MarynMunchkins]

I was going to suggest seamless socks too. Banana used to have HUGE meltdowns over socks and shoes, and we went to seamless socks and Robeez the year she was 5. They were expensive, and completely worth the money not to have the meltdowns every day. (Actually, she had a meltdown this morning because the bus was coming, and she couldn't get the tongue of her sneakers to lie the right way. I tied them for her and told her she had time to fix them on the bus. :shifty)

I usually keep a snack in the car with me as a bribe to get out to it, although I don't know how that would work with bikes.

[HomeWithMyBabies]

I am short on time but wanted to offer :hug and tell you my ds1 was very similar with shoes, and it's not an issue anymore. I did them for him for a long time just to get us out of the house, and when he was able he took over. Now he's even learning to tie laces in OT.

Since *my* anxiety is usually about being late for appointments, I often tell myself "we'll get there, we'll get there." :giggle

[Marsha]

I have a 6 yr old that I dress most of the way myself. I know she'll dress herself. She is capable , she is just too darn slow or wants/needs my attention.

I don't worry that I am holding her back from growing up. if it keeps you from losing your temper and holding the family hostage by taking all day to get out the day, then I'd just put on his shoes. He's 5. I am pretty sure that is why we wore sandals most of the year when my oldest was 5.

[swimming with sharks]

Seamless socks...quick google search gave me TONS of links. Here's one (http://www.tootsiesstriderite.com/site/547049/page/118294)

I was going to suggest doing as much as you can the night before. I pack lunches and keep them in the fridge in the soft sided cooler we have or if we're using the hard sided one I put all the stuff I need in a bag in the fridge (otherwise I'll miss something) and throw it in the cooler when I'm getting ready. I use my 6 yr old to either help get things like, :doh forgot socks...if I let toddler off my lap he'll escape and I'll get distracted so I send her for them. If she's already frustrated by the boys and their accompanying noise, I'll send her off to do some on her own work/read on her own to keep her calm/remove her from the ramping up of emotions. :shifty

My mantra is....this is our life we don't need to scream, you can't teach someone by screaming at them. (you can tell what my fall back is :bag) :hugheart:pray4

[Annainprogress]

I'm glad it's still fairly normal at 5. I have issues with this.... DS is getting a bit better, and if he really wants to (e.g. If you don't get dressed now then the delivery guy will be gone before you see him) he can get dressed in about a minute. But often he doesn't want to badly enough & gets distracted. By anything....

[3boysforme]

My mantra is....this is our life we don't need to scream, you can't teach someone by screaming at them. (you can tell what my fall back is :bag) :hugheart:pray4


That's a really good mantra :yes, my fall back is screaming too. :hug2


Getting them all ready to go out is by far the thing I hate most about parenting. I get panicky that I will be late for work (this comes from my former job where being late in anyway was punished).

My oldest ds has gotten really good at helping me out (I think he figured out I yell less if he does :bag) so that has been helpful but most days I am feeling quite frazzled as we finally walk out the door.

[Rabbit]

Permission to go back to putting his shoes on is huge.

I found socks on Amazon. Am I likely to find a brick and mortar store?

[Quiteria]

I think my mom has found them at the mall...or at least otherwise acceptable ones.

I would try the ones that are offering a free 3pack for liking on facebook, if that doesn't give you privacy heebie jeebies.

---------- Post added at 04:43 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:41 PM ----------

Permission to go back to putting his shoes on is huge.

I found socks on Amazon. Am I likely to find a brick and mortar store?

you mean that he might not let you now, or huge relief for you to give yourself permission?

[Rabbit]

Permission for me is huge! I was really afraid of doing more for him than I should.

[MomtoJGJ]

The biggest thing that helped me was to focus on what was absolutely necessary. And then be happy if other things happened. For me, clothes are necessary, what kind doesn't matter (well, kinda... not shorts in the snow, but you get the idea) what kind of shoes and whether they have socks... I no longer care about. I used to freak out about that, but now I just don't care. So Jayden wears flip flops or a certain type of crocks or boots year round (all three) Grace wears whatever she puts on, Julianna will wear anything, she's easy, and Evie wears crocs or tennis shoes...

If they will want a drink, it's water and they are responsible for getting it ... well, not Evie, I get hers, but she's 2. If we are only going to be gone for a little while I do not bring a snack. If we are going to be gone long enough I might bring something, but it's very rare. I make sure to feed them something good and lasting before we go. I have totally handed over getting ready to them. I rarely ever even get Evie ready any more... just let them do it. I turn it over to them around 3yo, and now the three bigs are big enough to get Evie ready.

My other "trick" is a few hours before we need/want to leave I have the kids get anything that they are taking and I check it to make sure it's ok. Basically, necessities are put by the door or put on and anything else is vetoed :shifty

[Christina+5]

This is coming from someone who is not a pro at GBD, so maybe this is way off base, but my five year old is perfectly capable of putting his own socks and shoes on. For my child, if he refused to put his own shoes on, I would ignore it. When it was time to go, I would just walk out the door. I can 100% count on him having his shoes on before we get to the gate. I have only done that once, and now we have no problem getting shoes on in time. But you know your child better and maybe your child would just go into hysterics at the thought of mama leaving w/o them. (In that case, maybe this is not such a good idea). In regards to the messes that are created or discovered as you are getting ready, I would just remind myself that there will always be messes. Ignore them for the moment. They can be addressed when you get home. Enjoying your babies and your time out (which can be stressful to begin with) is more important! Hugs, though. I feel like I deserve an award every Sunday when we are all ready on time. :)

[Rabbit]

It is not an option to leave food and water behind. Especially not the bike rides. We biked six miles yesterday. The goal we are working towards is all day outings to a park a few miles away. (I only have access to a car on weekends.) They have allergies that preclude picking up something quick while we are out, too, so if there is any delay or problem while we are out, they have no options.

They can't even get the tops off their water bottles or reach the faucet yet to fill them, so that is still all on me. I have a first grader, a kindergartener with special needs, and a toddler.

They only own two pairs of shoes each, and they are seasonally appropriate. I don't care which pair they wear. They have one drawer of clothing, and it is all seasonally appropriate. They aren't allowed to bring anything with them that isn't jacket, food, water. Simon can go barefoot to a store, but not a bike ride. He says his shoes are worse without socks than with them.

---------- Post added at 12:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:55 PM ----------

Threatening to leave a child behind is not at all GBD (research indicates it is damaging) and specifically forbidden for children with anxiety disorders. I tried it anyway. :bag He had a massive panic attack.

[Rabbit]

I think I learned that bag thing from you before. We have bags for summer walks, with sun glasses and sun hats and even a pre packed diaper bag. Things I used to lose my mind looking for.

I need to buy new water bottles. They use the ones they have in bed at night, and that means making them fresh every morning, and finding where they've rolled to first. That is a missing item from bike bags. I need a separate first aid kit from the one in my purse. One to just leave in the bike trailer. Helmets hang from the handle bars on each bike, so no wondering about those.

My bike and trailer are brand new. We have never been able to go out like this before, so it means all new routines. We are still in the first 30 days, even, and are still buying needed accessories.

[staceylayne]

I just want to thank you for this post and thread, I'm finding it helpful. It's also good to know that I might not be the only one who sometimes debates the wisdom of morning outings because the prospect of getting out of the house with everyone in good enough moods to participate is daunting (not to mention having to concern myself with baby naps).

Summer time is SO much easier with sundresses (one piece, done!) for D, crocs and athletic shorts. Cooler weather is killing our get outta the house routine with jeans with those pesky snaps, jackets (and the drama of long sleeves bunching underneath), socks and shoes, etc, etc. It's stressful! I'm doing good to get in the car not terribly late with the essentials done. If hair has been combed and faces wiped then I'm really on top of my game!

I know you're car-free during the week, so this isn't helpful, but I'm not above strapping the kids in the car (we have attached garage), turning on a story CD and going back in to collect all the "stuff".

Now I need to get myself a car prep kit put together like reneandbaby! Genius.

[Rabbit]

We had to get through the morning routine for me to remember how it goes, on a non-leaving day. They watch PBS or do school on the computer until I've had my breakfast and served theirs. As soon as breakfast is over, Samantha picks out her own clothes, Simon takes what I give him, and I dress the baby. We play barefoot in the backyard. If they have any desire for shoes, they can get them. I will put shoes on Seth if his feet are cold. Samantha and Simon stay outside until sunset. Seth is free to roam in and out. I stay out, or work in the kitchen which opens into the backyard.

[TraceMama]

Thank you for this thread! :heart I needed it, since getting out of the house on time (which for me usually means late :doh) is a HUGE stressor for me. :yes2 Huge. :bag I very quickly start reacting to the clock I hear ticking in my head and the shame messages I've been fed about being late. The end result is not a pretty one. :sadno :blush

[Ellen]

Helpful thread!

I have seen the suggestion before about separate bags for each activity. I need to do this too--I spend too much time scrambling to get us ready for normal routine things that we do every week.

In the meantime, while you're waiting on seamless socks, will Simon accept wearing them inside out? A. has also had issues with sock seams but can tolerate them inside out.

---------- Post added at 08:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:19 PM ----------

Also wanted to say that I totally relate on the panicked feeling about a big clock looming over us. Apparently I carry some shame about my own issues with time management. In stressful moments, I pass that on to my kids. :bag

I don't have it down to a mantra, but (thanks to DYT) I remind myself now that I am a flexible, serene, slow-moving person. These qualities don't always fit with getting places on time. I need to be that person for my kids (with some planning and intentionality to help us get things done), and not try to be someone else.

[MomtoJGJ]

They can't even get the tops off their water bottles or reach the faucet yet to fill them, so that is still all on me. I have a first grader, a kindergartener with special needs, and a toddler.

My life got easier when I started letting them have stools and climb on the counter. I also taught the three oldest how to do lids, so all they have to do is let me check. Now even Evie can get her own water. :) They also can do all their teeth brushing and washing hands as well.

I didn't realize you'd be gone all day... I was thinking like leave after breakfast, be home for lunch :) Yes, even I would have to take food and drink if we were gone all day ;) Hope having a bag ready helps you!

[klpmommy]

I would definitely recruit Samantha to help more. Get her a step stool so she can get to the water faucet and fill water bottles. Have her help pack Seth's diaper bag with a list (verbal or written). Any other job she can do, let her.

[IslandHome]

I know you're car-free during the week, so this isn't helpful, but I'm not above strapping the kids in the car (we have attached garage), turning on a story CD and going back in to collect all the "stuff".
.

Glad I'm not the only one that does that!! :giggle I'm amazed how much easier it is to get those last things ready without little ones at my ankles!

[Lady TS]

Chiming in to agree that it's largely an ages-and-stages thing. There are about 2 years between each of our 3 kids, and a few years ago I was taking lots of Rescue Remedy by the time I got everyone in the van. :shifty

[Cook]

This is a long response for someone who's only skimmed through the other replies- Sorry!!

:heart I love this thread. Nice to know others are human! With a 4, 3, and 2 year old, I can totally relate to the chaos of leaving the house. I've had many people tell me flat out that they just wouldn't- ever- if they were in my situation :giggle Not an option! I love to be out and about and can't imagine not getting the kids out there with me. That being said, I'm glad I'm not the only one capable of turning a very well intentioned trip into a frazzled nightmare.

This may seem silly but I've gotten to where I can spot upcoming struggles like this and recently started praying with the kids as they approach. It has even been helpful seeing our oldest decide where prayers are needed :)

I do a version of the bags thing. I have acquired a lot of those reusable grocery bags :shifty I actually use the plastic or paper ones for all kinds of projects around the house: Cat litter clean ups, diaper disposal, quick car clean outs, bathroom trash can liners, and the paper to make fun suits for the kids, sort things I don't want them to know about (candy! lol) or line the counters if I'm doing something semimessy on an art project. SO reusable bags I use for other things- my outing bags. I also have about two sets of shoes per child in the car: one set of shoes and one set of flipflops or sandals. I try to leave those in the car in addition to having the kids put on shoes before leaving. Inevitably someone leaves the house shoeless. A couple years ago I'd have gone out and bought more shoes simply because it was easier than going back home and unloading or running back in (we lived a lil far from town then at an apartment at one point) This was expensive and silly so I came up with the extra shoes in the car thing. I have to reassess the bags and shoes in the car every couple of weeks. The get worn into the house or the bags become empty.

I am horrible about socks. But on a couple occasions of fits, I've warned the kids of the consequences, then let them continue on without socks. My oldest has texture issues but not with clothing- I *do* think that the type of shoe that you match socks up with can make a difference (my middle has had trouble with that- shoes with big seams inside seem to make any sock uncomfortable for him) SO I let D go without socks, he got the blisters I forewarned him about, and now he is the one that reminds me of socks. I'd never do that where they couldn't draw the right connection. I have also sat in a parking lot before waiting or ds to put on shoes before we can leave the van. Can't leave without the right foot apparel, so we just sat. I've also in cases where we had a time limit, I've put them in a double stroller with the needed apparel- can't get out until you are suitable to walk safely and appropriately. My oldest is a runner so I like having the stroller with me anyway incase I feel he needs to be safe in the stroller. I also frequently tell them to put their hands on the stroller when the moment gets rowdy (doctor's office etc) and that seems to help (I also tell them to put their hands on their bellies if they are feeling excited to touch things they ought not- love that approach)

Drinks! I'm horrible at that as well. I've started where I just bring a HUGE icewater for us to all share. They swap cups like no one's business anyway so why not? Also I am very sad to find cups in the car several days after they are left there :( I usually require, just as a general rule anyway, for the kids to bring me their old cups before I can help with drink requests. This sorta helps... sorta. I also ALWAYS ask for cups of ice water if I use a drive through of any kind. It always gets used.

I also have extra blankets in the van for the ride-that's been important with winter coming up! Plus the oldest likes to hide when overwhelmed so they are especially important for us to have on hand.

As far as the actual leaving of the house. It is still so hard. They are usually playing with something or in different places and well my fil said it best: It's like herding crickets. We do have a tv in the van which I'm sure isn't very AP but I don't care. We got that right after dd was born and it probably saved our oldest child life as we were living in an apartment and he was an avid runner then- he'd hone in on the screen and head straight for the van :phew I do think that it's useful information though because while it is a reward, sometimes having something to make the transition a desirable one can be good. Again, probably not GBD which I still am improving on (I struggle with rewards right now but am getting better every day!) Your attitude about the finally out the door is important for you and them. View it as an attainable and important goal! Celebrate a little when you accomplish it :heart it IS a feat to accomplish with three kids of any age, let alone younger ones. Pat yourself on the back and make sure your mindset on it is giving credit where it's due. When you all accomplish it, Praise the Lord!!! :rockon

[ThreeKids]

I have an anxious six year old. I know about the limp foot. If I help him put his pants on, I still have to say, "put your foot in", "now your other foot". I don't even have to say that with my 14 month old. I do feel put out by how much work it is.

I was viewing his life skills as things he was either ready to face despite his anxiety or not. Consequently, I was also occasionally viewing it as something I "had" to fight him over or something I "had" to do for him, which was a breeding ground for resentment.

I was too busy using that one measuring stick - is he old enough that he should be able to do it so easily his anxiety shouldn't be an issue? - that I forgot to also take note of whether ADHD was a factor until his teacher said something about his lack of focus.

Now, I had permission to apply my toolbox as someone who also has ADHD, but also my knowlege of him as a kid with anxiety. The ticking clock that "cures" my ADHD doesn't work for him. It just makes him more anxious - he'll grab his socks and shake them, but they don't get on any faster. I do view getting left behind as a logical consequence, but not one that will ever make anything better until he has the tools to prevent getting left behind. I'm still faced with the choice of get him ready and bring him or don't get him ready and leave him behind.

Yes, I've left him before. It just made anxiety around getting ready worse. Now, I have to assure him of why I'm going to the car early such as to warm it up or put something/someone in it if I step out the front door while he's getting ready or he'll freak.

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TK's #1 tool for ds's ADHD + anxiety: Break the task down into smaller parts

#2 tool: If I encounter resistance, break the task down into even smaller parts

What this ^^ does is avoid triggering the overwhelmed feelings the ADHD brings, which snowballs his anxiety.

Even if I were ever caught up on laundry, I'd still hand ds his clothes because I need to hand him one piece at a time to keep the task of getting dressed broken down. On a bad day, I've handed him one sock at a time. On a good day, I can put it all in front of him and verbally tell him to take off/put on each piece as it comes up.

I noisily, but calmly, plop his shoes in front of him after his socks are on. I pat his left shoe, then pat his left foot and tell him "this shoe goes on this foot". He went to school with his shoes on the wrong foot one day and absolutely will not try to guess himself now.

I'll go about getting the other kids dressed while he's getting dressed and I'm calling out steps to him. If I encounter resistance to getting dressed, even if he flat out tells me, "I don't want to go so I'm not getting dressed," I back up and break the task into smaller pieces. And/or yell and make him more anxious and he gets more difficult to manage.

I do everything else I can before I help ds, but, if he's still not ready when I need him to be, I just dress him. It would seem that doing that would reward dawdling to the point that he'd just never bother dressing himself, but breaking the task down into smaller parts is what works - me dressing him is usually just me not handing him his clothes early enough or him having such a flabobbered day that tasks cannot be broken down far enough and I just have to do it.

What this boils down to is that ds is not resisting getting ready himself. He's floudering in the face of the tasks seeming overwhelming. I can relieve his anxiety by doling out the tasks of getting ready in smaller increments or I can just get him ready. The days I just get him ready aren't reinforcing the dawdling behavior. If anything, it's one less day that I might yell at him or that he'll struggle so it'll make the next day he dresses himself less anxious.

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When the resentment of how much work it is to get him ready gets to me, I try to view it as teaching him the tool of breaking tasks down, a tool he'll need forever, instead of a bottomless pit of wasted work that will never get better. Or I yell and make things worse.

[Rabbit]

Samantha is an enormous help. She is still not physically able to open the water bottles. They are Kleen Kanteens, and I sometimes can't get the lids unscrewed. She cannot have a step stool. No one can, until Seth outgrows this phase he is in. Samantha has many symptoms of ADHD as well, but differently from Simon. She has a very hard time locating items that are out of place.

There are limits to how much I will allow her to work with Simon. He is not her responsibility, and he can be a black hole of need that she never needs to think is normal in a relationship.

---------- Post added at 01:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:06 PM ----------

I have had luck with giving Simon his socks, just his socks, and not saying a word about shoes until I find him skating around the hardwood in his socks.

[klpmommy]

I wasn't suggesting helping with Simon, but helping you with things that you do (like the bottles). You def know what she can and can't do, but you might find some things you can release to her. :heart

[Rabbit]

We had no stress today!

It still took two hours, but I wasn't completely packed, and Seth slept in by entire hours. I spent yesterday packing the trailer with the permanent stuff. Made up a new first aid kit in zip locks. Diaper and wipes in zip locks. Wet bags. Ergo. Blanket. Gum. Other stuff I've already forgotten. Leaving in the house nothing to pack but lunch (half made, pb crackers made in the fridge, just needed to throw raisins and grapes into snack bags), collecting water bottles (Simon found his and Seth's, without being asked), and getting clothes on. Eating breakfast included in the two hour prep.

I gave Simon his socks, no shoes, then one shoe at a time, and he managed it with minimal whining. The seams on the socks are indeed his biggest angst. We'll see about new socks. The laundry was mostly put up, so everybody's clothes were right at hand.

I can't really see anything to hand off to Samantha that she isn't already doing. She fetches and carries whatever I ask.

Serious turning point: Recognizing that "hurryhurryhurrywegottagogottagogottagoclockisticki ng!" was an ADHD coping technique of mine, that the children didn't need. When I dropped that, the rest went smoothly. I didn't even feel irritated. The children had an AWESOME time, and we even made it all the way to the park!

[backtobasicsmum]

:rockon

[Rabbit]

Other things I did: Once they were dressed, I put them out in the back yard, so that their routine was proceeding as normal, while I continued to get lunch packed, dress myself, and do a couple of things that needed doing for dinner when we got back.

Knowing that if Simon did not get his shoes on, or freaked out over them excessively, I would just take them with us in the back of the trailer, rather than make him put them on, was also a huge relief.

Basically, I used every last piece of advice on this thread, in one way or another, over the course of the morning. You guys are awesome. Thank you!

[ncsweetpea]

Permission to go back to putting his shoes on is huge.

I found socks on Amazon. Am I likely to find a brick and mortar store?

I found them at Kohls last year. We stocked up! You are not alone in this struggle. :)

[Cook]

And YOU helped me!! I forget so much how I'm bringing my on energy needs or attention struggles into things. Great advice to be conscious of that :D

[Ellen]

Well done, Natalie!

I liked the part about sending the kids outside for their normal morning routine.

It reminded me--I've realized that when I have some big multi-part task to do, like planning a big outing or getting ready for company, I have a tendency to put the kids on hold and try to get them to stay out of my way the whole time. Of course that's counterproductive and leads to stress. I'm learning how much more productive it is to allow time for breaks to read together, do some schoolwork, etc.