How would you handle this: older cousin not playing "well" with your youngers

[WI Mama05]

Your oldest is a boy and you have a girl, three years younger. They have a cousin who is near boy's age, but the youngest in HIS family (so no younger sibs)

Your boy has been taught how to include and play with his sister. He also *generally* understands your warnings when he's getting too rough.

Cousin comes over and plays with your boy. They are playing like, well, boys :shrug3 getting rough and tumble. Girl goes into the room to play with them, cousin is too rough, girl cries. You eventually call the boys upstairs since playing in the playroom with girl isn't working :-/.

Girl wants to play with them in your boy's room. You require them to let her in, but they completely ignore her and won't play with her, which sends her into tears.

You are frustrated, call cousin's mom and, in a non-confrontational way, send cousin home.

This is new territory. How do you navigate? You don't want to stop cousin from playing with boy, but girl wants to play with her cousin too. Cousin seems oblivious (or at the worst uncaring) about girl's feelings and different play needs.

[sweetpeas]

I think I'd try to strike a balance. Talk to your son before cousin comes over next time, and ask him to consider his sister's feelings and include her part of the time. But also talk to her about how sometimes boys enjoy playing more rough games that she won't enjoy, so she needs to let them play without her part of the time too.

And in anticipation of that, maybe have some special craft projects or something that she can do by herself or with you so she's not feeling left out.

[J3K]

What she said. :yes

I'd also put together a special project for them all to do together. I'd supervise. Then I'd let the boys play alone (since they play well together) and get all weird and rough afterwards. I'd do something special with dd after the project too.

So in my house it would look like this :

I talk face to face with cousin and his mom. "You play very well with Boy and we like it when you come over. Girl likes you too , but doesn't know how to play boy games. I know you and Boy don't let her join you in your games. We don't keep people out of games at our house. We don't exclude. Girl really wants to be included. Next time you come over we'll all sit together and do a project , be thinking of what kind of project you'd like to do. Playdough ? Puzzles ? A board game ? Arts and Crafts? Maybe we can make a baking soda and vinegar volcano ? We'll do something together , all of us so Girl can play with you too. Then when we are done with the project , you boys can go off and play together. This way Girl gets to play with you too. I need you to remember that she's younger than you are and we need you to be gentle around her. Thanks for understanding. Would you like to come over tomorrow after school ? "

You've laid it all out for Cousin AND the mom , laid down your expectations and the rules and let him know you like him at the same time. I'd do my best to do whatever project the cousin had suggested just to show we really do want him to be a part of everything. kwim ?

To my daughter , " Cousin likes you , but doesn't know how to play with you properly. When he comes over next time , we'll all sit and do something fun together. Be thinking of what we can do. Maybe do a puzzle together ? Maybe play with playdough ? Then when we're done with that project , Cousin and Brother are going to play alone together so they can be rough and tumble with each other. Maybe after we're done with the project and the boys are off being smelly boys together , you and I can do something girly together like paint our nails. Does that sound like fun ? Or would you like to read books ? Or play Barbies ? The important thing is that you get to play with Cousin when I'm around , then the boys get left alone to play. "


Supervising play when Girl is involved will be key. Then supervising her even more when the boys go off to play. No , it's not exactly fair , but that way she gets her cousin time , cousin has learned the house rules (that we don't exclude) , and hopefully everyone is happy.

[houseforjoy]

:yes yes exactly!!

[Elora]

we have this exact scenario. they have to include her for a specified period of time in a calmer activity, after which i do something fun with her and let them do their thing

[JJsMom]

Great advice! Thanks for starting this Kim! :hug