What to do when you and DH are not on same page?

[HeatherM]

My DH spanks and I don't believe it is an effective discipline. He does it not because he wants to hurt them but because it is "easiest". I mean it's easy to just spank and be done without talking things over calmly. How do we work to be on the same page with this? All the things I do during the day to try and be positive with the kids...then they get upset because they were spanked and they come running down to tell me, and I just wish my DH could see things during the day because aside from normal tantrums, things are usually mostly calm around here. But when he is here, there is a lot of crying and bad behaviors. I can only attribute it to our different methods.

[joysworld]

I interfere, and he would have to hit me to get to the kids. I've done it and then I would ask him, 'if your employees didn't do what they were suppose to, would you spank them? If I did something you don't like, would you spank me? So then why would it be acceptable to spank the kids?' The few times I've done that, it's made quite an impact, and he truly realized that spankings were off the table.

[ArmsOfLove]

because it is "easiest". I mean it's easy to just spank and be done

When children are spanked and grow up to be healthy productive people it is because this is *not* how they are spanked. Spanking doesn't teach someone how to be a healthy functioning member of society. Spanking doesn't actually teach anything helpful. Children don't grow into healthy adults because of spanking--even though sometimes they grow into healthy adults *despite* spankings.

If he spanks and that's all he does then he will be spanking for the same things for much longer. If he would like behaviors to stop then he needs to find a way to step in, prevent them, set his child up for success, and teach what *to* do :tu

I would focus on modeling for him better tools, and step in with suggestions when things are going on. If you're both there you can step in and address things before he gets up to spank.

You might also post phrases and reminders of tools around the house for your own encouragement and edification and it might help for him to see them around :)

[ThreeKids]

I'm in the same boat and dh is close enough to understanding why spanking is wrong that I can tell the temptation of the easy way is the only thing holding him back. I decided I won't let it be easy for him anymore. He'd have to go through me and that would not be easy.

So far, I've only physically blocked him once because he spanked one child and, on his way to the other, I had time to stand in his way of getting to the other and he stopped walking and no contact was necessary. Another time, he had dip in his mouth and wasn't talking enough for me to understand he was picking the kid up and taking the kid to another room to spank him. I've told dh that I'm telling the kids to call out to me and I won't let it happen.

Yes, it's committing to possible domestic violence, but I don't think it will come to that since I've positively identified that it's the easiness that tempts dh and I'm taking that away. If he thought it was his duty, it might be different, or maybe not, IDK.

He still gives into the easiness of threatening spanking from afar, YKWIM, just yelling it out the window when the alternative is to go to the kid and stop bad behavior, which requires more walking. I tell him, "you shouldn't make threats you can't carry out."

I know not all women can make that commitment, but I can and it's where we're at.

[HeatherM]

What if he is one of those who believes spanking is perfectly fine and normal? I mean I had to grow out of the mindset of spanking is the way to go.

[ArmsOfLove]

What if he is one of those who believes spanking is perfectly fine and normal? I mean I had to grow out of the mindset of spanking is the way to go.
that's why I would focus on what is BETTER and MORE EFFECTIVE.

[ThreeKids]

If you can find a way to ban spanking, he will have to find other tools. There's a chance he'll put more thought into the matter and come closer to your point of view. Or not.

You are providing an example of a family where it is not perfectly fine and normal. What his family of origin practices will always be a powerful influence on him about what is the most normal, though, so there's no guarantee of making progress on influencing him.

[joysworld]

In the beginning, dh didn't see anything wrong with spanking. In the beginning, even though he saw nothing wrong with it, him knowing he was going to have to hit me to get to the kids, was a huge deterrent to trying to spank. We just talked about it a lot, even though he didn't agree with me the dialog was open. I asked him how God dealt with us, if we did something wrong, does he zap us with lightening? We did lots and lots of talking, and I did lots of praying. Over time, and him seeing me parenting, he finally got on board and completely agrees with not being punitive. He still does, as do I, slips into a punitive mindset at times, but we are constantly working to parent the way God parents us.

[mamaKristin]

Most people I know who do resort to spanking do so less if their tool box of parenting is bigger. Maybe talk about what you can do to help them learn and grow, and not just talk about what not to do. Kind of like spanking instead of teaching ;)

Often, spanking is just a knee-jerk reaction for a lot of parents. Learning other tools to use instead of just having spanking is a bit step, but so very worthwhile.

[marbles]

We have had many discussions about discipline lately. I was spanked as a child and it caused a lot of issues for me (issues that we've worked through in our marriage) so I am anti-spanking before even taking into account how God treats us, which just convinces me that God has a better way. Daniel has no baggage or issues stemming from spanking because his parents didn't spank when he was young, and only used physical discipline a handful of times when he was a teenager. So in his mind, there is sometimes a place for physical discipline (and ftr, I do agree with some of the physical measures his parents took with him) including spanking. What has been helpful for us is for me to describe what it felt like to be spanked. I think it opened his eyes to realize that my dad "did it right" most of the time and still it was such a humiliating and shameful experience. What has also been super helpful for us, too, has been taking specific examples of misbehavior in kids around us and talk about other ways to address it. Ex: Recently there was a kid who stole something and was spanked because of it. At first, Daniel didn't really see any other way to impress the kid with the seriousness of the situation. Then we started to brainstorm how we might have dealt with this situation and we were able to come up with several different options.

[Zooey]

When children are spanked and grow up to be healthy productive people it is because this is *not* how they are spanked. Spanking doesn't teach someone how to be a healthy functioning member of society. Spanking doesn't actually teach anything helpful. Children don't grow into healthy adults because of spanking--even though sometimes they grow into healthy adults *despite* spankings.

If he spanks and that's all he does then he will be spanking for the same things for much longer. If he would like behaviors to stop then he needs to find a way to step in, prevent them, set his child up for success, and teach what *to* do :tu

I would focus on modeling for him better tools, and step in with suggestions when things are going on. If you're both there you can step in and address things before he gets up to spank.

You might also post phrases and reminders of tools around the house for your own encouragement and edification and it might help for him to see them around :)

that's why I would focus on what is BETTER and MORE EFFECTIVE.
What Crystal said.

[Aerynne]

Would he be willing to read a book of your choosing? Maybe he just needs more tools in his toolbox. And sometimes people trust books better than what someone says.

How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk is a good one to give him. Others will probably have other good suggestions.

[HeatherM]

I did give him Grace Based Parenting to read. But he's not a reader. I am usually downstairs cleaning up and getting things ready when he is doing bedtime with the kids. Maybe I just need to be more involved upstairs.

[Aerynne]

Would he listen to a book on CD?

[cheri]

Most people I know who do resort to spanking do so less if their tool box of parenting is bigger. Maybe talk about what you can do to help them learn and grow, and not just talk about what not to do. Kind of like spanking instead of teaching ;)

Often, spanking is just a knee-jerk reaction for a lot of parents. Learning other tools to use instead of just having spanking is a bit step, but so very worthwhile.

Yes, this. And I'll add that a lot of times people have absolutely no idea what else that they can do, especially if that's the way that they were raised and they think that they turned out just fine.

How old are your children?

Sometimes modeling what works is a lot better than just constantly telling him to stop spanking or trying to be a body shield or ending up having your kids play the parents against each other. Even explaining a situation and how you handled it is good.

[GraceAlone]

My husband is not quite on the same page as me about discipline, although he is much closer now than he used to be. We were both brought up as spankers. At first I had to tread carefully as he already thought I was a bit of a hippy sucked into fads (extended breastfeeding, cloth nappies, babywearing, etc!) from the internet. He's not a reader either. I just modelled other methods of discipline and gradually he has picked up on that, he very rarely resorts to even just threatening to smack now. I tried to be fast and deal with any incidents before he could get there, or if he got there first I would sometimes suggest things that might work better. We discussed discipline as opportunities arose and gradually I explained my new views. In our situation it was important for me not to push him before he was ready, if I had banned smacking outright or acted as a body shield then it would have created far greater problems for our marriage and family than a few extra smacks.

[CarissaJoy]

My dh is totally on board with our gentle discipline approach to child rearing, but when we first began to consider how we would discipline our son, he really didn't see anything wrong with spanking.

Luckily, we are good friends, so dh listened when I explained how spanking made me feel as a child. He was willing to believe me. Also, we both saw that if we approached our little guy in an adversarial way, that he would definitely fight back, and our relationship would go out the window.

I begged my husband to study what the Bible says with me, with the agreement that if we saw a direct command in scripture one way or the other, we would obey it (though I threatened to become an atheist if I saw that God advocated hitting my child, hehe). I also impressed on him that I did not want to raise my children alone, or differently than he did...I impressed on him that it would mean a lot to me if he would also read a few books (like Clay Clarkson's heartfelt discipline).

For some reason, it seems that many guys see child-rearing as a lady's job...dh has always wanted to be involved in our kid's lives; to have a close relationship with them...so he made his own decision to get involved and on board with deciding how we were going to raise our kids together.

[HeatherM]

They are 5 and 3. One problem is that he doesn't think my ways are effective, because when he comes home the girls go a bit wild and so he thinks that I allow them to be that way all day. But it's more they get really hyper when he finally gets home...ykwim?

In our situation it was important for me not to push him before he was ready, if I had banned smacking outright or acted as a body shield then it would have created far greater problems for our marriage and family than a few extra smacks.

Yes this. And yes also to him thinking I am a bit hippy/crunchy and into things that aren't "traditional".

[WalkByFaith]

They are 5 and 3. One problem is that he doesn't think my ways are effective, because when he comes home the girls go a bit wild and so he thinks that I allow them to be that way all day. But it's more they get really hyper when he finally gets home...ykwim?



Yes this. And yes also to him thinking I am a bit hippy/crunchy and into things that aren't "traditional".

This is our house. Dh finally works from home a lot so he sees different dynamics at different parts of the day and finally "gets it".

And Dh has finally learned to embrace my crunchiness and doesn't try to change me and I don't try and change him to make him more like me. I get to be the "weirdy" in the family (it's our little joke but only when the little ones aren't around!).

[DavidKelleyMay18]

I had sort-of asked this sort-of question a few weeks ago, so I'm glad to see some answers from your thread. I've started to read the book, "Difficult to Discipline, East to Love". Maybe I'm saying it backwards. DH had said he would listen to it by audio, but there is no such thing. So what I started to do is take notes, and I'm going to share with him. My DH has no problem with spanking. I don't think he's attempted it in anyway though. I think he's been taking my tune. I talked about sharing my notes with him, so he seems to be a little more open. Pray about it! My husband was spanked as a kid, and he sees nothing wrong with it. My 10 yr. old has been in tears about it when he's done it to my younger kids. Hopefully at some point I can share that with DH. I hope with time that your dh will get better. I do like everyone's suggestion about stepping in. If I'm around I will certainly do that next time if there is a next time.

Thanks for your post, Kelley

[Glitterfish]

OP, I could have written everything you've posted. Literally (except I have 3 kids instead of your 2). Right now, I'm talking about it conversationally w/ DH when it comes up and praying for him like crazy! He definitely spanks less than he used to, but I know he still has that punitive mindset.

Sorry I can't offer more advice, just know that you aren't alone! (((hugs)))