How do you handle debates??

[DavidKelleyMay18]

How do you handle it when your child is trying to have a debate with you?? I try the you heard my answer and I already said no to you. That is not satisfying to my children. A little while ago my 12 yr. ds was trying to debate about going to bed soon. "But no Mommy". "I already said it's been a long day, and you are all going to bed soon, so please don't debate with me." Now my 10 yr. dd is trying to debate bed-time with dh. DH said, "Clean-up it's time to go to bed soon." "But no Daddy just 20 more minutes..why? why?" He said, "Because it's going to take you 20 mins. to clean-up and go to bed." "But no Daddy please, it won't take that long." "But wait Daddy what about 5 minutes". How do I stop my kids from thinking some issues are not a debate?

Geez, I feel like I need lots of advice these days. Sorry about that..
Kelley

[Codi]

If you keep talking, you keep giving them something to debate. ;)

After, "I gave you my answer and this is not up for discussion" I say nothing more.

[MomtoJGJ]

You just stop. They can argue..... but they can't debate. :)

Plus you said please... with my kids, that tells them it's an option. I have to make it short, sweet, and to the point.

Me: go to bed
them: but but but blah blah blah
Me: no, bed, now
them: but but blah blah
Me: You asked, I answered, now bed
them: blah blah mean, blah blah worst mommy
Me: yep (escorting them to bed)

OH, and your dh's part... instead of answering their why I would say "clean"... no matter what they said, my response would be "clean" pretty quickly they start cleaning while they are whining/begging/debating, etc.

And a friend of mine told me something she was trying that seemed to be working. As she tells her kids something she uses her head to give the direction as well. If it's a negative direction she shakes her head, if it's a positive direction she nods. (so like, stop would be head shaking, clean up would be nodding)

[klpmommy]

With older kids like P&E (yours are even older) I tend to say things like "You heard me. I gave you the answer. It is not changing. Unless you continue to argue, but then it will change in a way you don't like. So you don't like 20 minutes and you want to argue? We'll make it 15. Care to continue arguing?"

Or I'll just flat change the subject ""You heard me. I gave you the answer. It is not changing. I saw the weather forecast and it is supposed to be lovely later this week. I bet we can do a picnic at the park on Friday. What should we plan to make?"

I've also sarcastically (depends on the kid and the overall mood on if I pull this one out) said things along the lines of "Asked, answered. Now talk to the hand."

Agreeing that the more you engage, the more you invite debate. Can't argue with someone who won't argue back.

[BHope]

I say, "asked, and answered."

And "you may have misunderstood. I wasn't asking, I was telling."

If I'm feeling less impatient I do explain, "I'm not in this for a debate. I've already explained my position, now it's time to comply."

That is, assuming of course, that there isn't a very valid reason for the negotiation tactics. I've been known to jump quickly into "asked and answered" when the truth is my DD may have had a valid reason for beginning a "discussion."

[klpmommy]

And "you may have misunderstood. I wasn't asking, I was telling."


I've done that, too. "Let me rephrase that. I didn't mean 'please put your shoes away.' What I meant was 'put your shoes away now, thanks!"

(one thing I've learned is that it is ok for my kids to unhappily comply, so long as they do it. So I don't say anything if they walk off to put the shoes away mumbling angrily under their breath. That just increases the anger, etc)

[Castle On A Cloud]

I don't make it a big deal:shrug3
'I already answered that, but in case you did not hear me - I said XYZ'
'but mommy... blah blah blah....'
'I understand, but XYZ still needs to happen. I'm not going to talk about it anymore'

Sometimes I am asking them to do something stupid, or pointless, so DS has a chance to ask me a question, or explain his point of view. Sometimes, I am forced to say,
'Yeah, you know what, you are right. Go ahead and XYZ...'

So yeah, I will always give him a chance to voice his opinions - but in situations where my no is just a no, no matter what is said, I hear him, tell him my answer is still no, and if he is having a hard time following through with what I have asked him, I help him:shrug3

---------- Post added at 07:31 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:28 PM ----------

:giggle I do that "sorry, maybe I was not clear??? when I asked you to please pick up the legos, I was not giving you the option of cleaning or living in a mess of lego carpet:no It was my nice way of telling you to clean. NOW."

[Happygrl]

Something I have done off and on is 'Obey first, then we'll talk." After she does what I ask, I will sometimes give her the option to discuss what she wanted to say. I get compliance, she gets to feel 'heard'.

Another is that I've taught her that it is okay to (respectfully) respond with "May I finish/do ______ first?" For her, that usually eliminates the debate because she gets to first ask (feels heard).

If she tries to carry on, I disengage.

[kimberly569]

Debating has become a sport around here lately :blush. I really need to learn to disengage. Brynn got that from me. Her dad will. not. argue. ever. Some days I wish I had that gene.

[DavidKelleyMay18]

You just stop. They can argue..... but they can't debate. :) Plus you said please... with my kids, that tells them it's an option. I have to make it short, sweet, and to the point.

OH, and your dh's part... instead of answering their why I would say "clean"... no matter what they said, my response would be "clean" pretty quickly they start cleaning while they are whining/begging/debating, etc.

When I heard him give the reason I'm thinking all the more reason for the kids to debate.

Some of you had some really good points. Thank-You! I was sort-of saying not up for debate..etc I just wasn't sure if I was handling it correctly.

I've thought about when do you allow the kids to have some imput in the situation. There have been times in the past that I would let them say when coming to lunch can I just finish picking up the toys. But these days they seem to be taking advantage of that. I told you that it's time for lunch. Oh I was just picking up the toys. They think that because they think that they want to finish it that it's okay. There are times that we need to get out the door, so it's not okay. So lately I don't even want to listen to their side of it. How do you separate and deal with the two?

Debating has become a sport around here lately :blush. I really need to learn to disengage. Me too!!

Kelley

[klpmommy]

There are times that we need to get out the door, so it's not okay. So lately I don't even want to listen to their side of it. How do you separate and deal with the two?



I tell them before it even starts: "Hey guys, we have an appt today and we have to walk out the door at 9:15. That means when I tell you it is time to go, it is TIME TO GO, no delays."

[Happygrl]

There are times that we need to get out the door, so it's not okay. So lately I don't even want to listen to their side of it. How do you separate and deal with the two?


That's when I get tight about disengaging for a bit until I get better compliance, if its really bad. If I sense it starting to get bad but not yet, I go back to 'obey first, then we'll talk'.

Most anytime I feel like they are starting to 'take advantage' of me, my first step is to acknowledge to them that I haven't done a good job lately in that area and then I get really tight with the rules.

[MomtoJGJ]

I agree... if its' getting to where its' a constant thing from more than one of them I realize that I've dropped the ball and I tighten up to where they have very little freedom... I start doing this when they start understanding consequences, somewhere around 3ish. They earn back the freedoms by complying. And questioning me is one of those freedoms.

There's also different forms of questioning... there's the "is that what you really meant to say" questioning that is ok before complying (because lets face it... I screw things up a lot :shifty especially their names even if I'm looking directly at them) and there's the "I really dont' want to do what you say so I'm going to do whatever I can to get out of it" that is not ok at any time, and there's the "how serious are you about this because I'm in the middle of something" that really you would think they'd be able to read my mood better by now before they use this questioning :D

[Applesofgold]

I wasn't the original poster, but just wanted to say that this was an incredibly helpful post for a newbie! To hear a dialogue using GBD was very encouraging...also to see that I'm already on the right track somewhat:phew......thanks!

[DavidKelleyMay18]

I tell them before it even starts: "Hey guys, we have an appt today and we have to walk out the door at 9:15. That means when I tell you it is time to go, it is TIME TO GO, no delays."

I feel I do that, but then I keep going okay 20 mins. 10 mins. let's go...go do..blah..blah...this one don't forget your books...this one don't forget etc.. I just want to be able to stop talking. I feel exhausted. The last week has been brutal, and I can't wait for Friday to come already. I'm not even half-way through the week yet either. Is part of it my talking. It sounds like I need to be sure to disengage myself before doing the below?

Kelley

[Happygrl]

Do you have checklists for them to check what they need before they are leaving? For any that are readers, I'd have a list (multiple if you have multiple places) and put them in charge of checking the list for everything. I've turned that over to my daughter and she's doing great with it.

[Little Forest]

"The clock says it's time for bed (or whatever)" for younger children. Never underestimate the power of a neutral authority, haha.

For older children, it is good to have a consistent bedtime anyway and still have a routine to help them wind down, such a reading with a lamp on in bed.

I don't think it is bad to allow your children to negotiate with you and to modify your plan judiciously. That is a good skill to learn for life, but you can't let them get carried away with that.
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[KarenBoo]

I will state my position and "deflect" (or discuss it if that's what's called for) all of the lawyer-like come-backs about 3 times. Then I will say "I've answered you, and now you are pestering me."

Sometimes I have to ask Kitten to leave the room because she can just go on and on and on, and I might be busy cooking or something and I don't want to be the one to "walk away." (besides, she will absolutely follow me and keep on and on and on!)

Usually I will say "You are still pestering me and now I need you to leave the room. You can come back when you can stop pestering me."

But over the years, I've just said the same thing "you are pestering me." and because we've done it so long, she responds well to that "code phrase." I think she's learned that if she continues pestering, I will ask her to go somewhere else.

[klpmommy]

If we have to be someplace at a certain time, I have the kids get their stuff together well before we have to leave and put it by the door. So if we have to leave by 9:15 for an appt I may well have them getting their stuff together at 8, then play until 9 when we start the process of walking out the door.

[bolt.]

In addition to all this, I sometimes say, "You can talk all you want, as long as you are talking while you are doing what you are told."

To me, I'm sorry to say this so bluntly, but sometimes I just let the things kids say just wash over me as noise. They have mouths. Mouths make sounds. I don't actually have to take those sounds seriously.

It's just one of my personal boundaries: others can talk, but I get to decide whether I respond to them, and even whether I listen to them. It helps preserve my sanity.

[DavidKelleyMay18]

Do you have checklists for them to check what they need before they are leaving? For any that are readers, I'd have a list (multiple if you have multiple places) and put them in charge of checking the list for everything. I've turned that over to my daughter and she's doing great with it.

This sounds like a great idea!!

I will state my position and "deflect" (or discuss it if that's what's called for) all of the lawyer-like come-backs about 3 times. Then I will say "I've answered you, and now you are pestering me." See my problem is I'll say something 6X then I think oops I've said that 6X. How do I pay attention to what I'm doing wrong? If I could tell myself Kelley you already said it 3X then I'd be all set.

If we have to be someplace at a certain time, I have the kids get their stuff together well before we have to leave and put it by the door. So if we have to leave by 9:15 for an appt I may well have them getting their stuff together at 8, then play until 9 when we start the process of walking out the door. I've done that too. Example, tonight kids were going off with dh. I said time to get shoes on everyone. Apparently no one heard as a few mins. later one child was going to her room to get socks on. Agh!!

In addition to all this, I sometimes say, "You can talk all you want, as long as you are talking while you are doing what you are told."

To me, I just let the things kids say just wash over me as noise. They have mouths. Bolt. when you say that you let the things that the kids say to wash over you as noise do you mean you just ignore it like they are not speaking. What am I doing wrong here?

Thanks, Kelley