What to say to our apparently punitive babysitter..

[azlayla]

I have had a babysitter for the past 4 weeks and thought it had been going well. I picked a girl who said that she loved kids and enjoyed babysitting. Yesterday I got a call from her while I was gone and she said that DS who is 5 was being unruly and that I needed to come home. I asked what was going on and she "kind of" told me what was going on. She said DS wouldn't do what she asked, leaving DD alone and leaving the TV alone. She said that she didn't have him go to his room to take a break because he had toys in there and she didn't want to reward his bad behavior. I asked what she did and she didn't say that she did anything other than *ask* however after talking with the kids later that night I find out that she decided to ignore him, talk about him in third person, refuse to feed him and not let him take a turn with the bike all because he wouldn't unpause a movie. So the movie stayed paused for the rest of the day.

I came home and covered again how I would like her to handle challenges with DS. (Basically keep it simple take a break if he needs to) She explained punitive parenting styles to me and how those styles had worked for her in the past. She gave examples of humiliation and shunning. I told her that wasn't my approach but I don't think she *got it* Should I try to *explain* GBD more in greater detail? Just not sure what to do now. Any suggestions?

[DancingWithElves]

:no not worth it :hug time for a new sitter

[newday]

I would say goodbye to her. It can be very difficult for children to have "not a parent" caregivers, but someone who has a completely different discipline dynamic would create complete heartache and likely unalterable harm. Sorry for your little ones, that sounds like a really rough time :(

[Teribear]

She's being paid to watch your child and she needs to do so PER YOUR INSTRUCTIONS if she can't do that then someone else needs to be watching your kids. You need to be clear in what techniques she can use and what battles are worth picking. Pausing the movie wasn't a hill to die on but she made it into one.

[Domina]

If she respects your wishes and is willing to do things your way (but simply didn't know there were non-punitive options) I might give her another chance. It may help her to be a better sitter for other kids, and better parent someday.

But if she's determined to do things her own way, or you think she's just not getting it, I'd let her go.

[Rabbit]

If you want to rehab her as a sitter, and a future mother, keep her on as a supervised mother's helper for awhile, and teach her first hand exactly what you mean, but don't put her in charge by herself for more than half an hour.

If that is more responsibility for her than you want to take on (and that is absolutely a fine and wise line to draw if it is) then fire her and hire somebody more compatible. She is so steeped in punitive methods and views that she can't see her way out.

[Marielle]

If you want to rehab her as a sitter, and a future mother, keep her on as a supervised mother's helper for awhile, and teach her first hand exactly what you mean, but don't put her in charge by herself for more than half an hour.

If that is more responsibility for her than you want to take on (and that is absolutely a fine and wise line to draw if it is) then fire her and hire somebody more compatible. She is so steeped in punitive methods and views that she can't see her way out.

Completely agree with Teri and Natalie. IMO there should be a highly paid subset of babysitters who are creative and flexible enough to care for little boys in the 5-10 year old range. I speak both as an older sister and a mom. Most babysitters tend to do well with anything outside of this group but throw them in with a squirrly, awkard, sort of boundary pushing boy from this age group and suddenly all their fall back methods don't work.

[Psyche]

Marielle's take is exactly why I primarily hire males to babysit my boys.

[Sparrow]

:no not worth it :hug time for a new sitter

I totally agree. If she isn't willing to go with your way the first time and is trying to change your mind then it seems like she isn't a good fit.

[ThreeKids]

There's an appearance of dishonesty here, but there's plenty of room for her forgetting she did that or not being aware since it's so normal to her. It's just that she described shunning as a technique to you ahead of time that makes me wonder if she is too aware that she does that for it to have slipped her mind right then. I think it's salvageable, but would be quicker to give up if the appearance of doing what she wants, then not being honest with you is reinforced later.

She does need a lot of tools and to see how they work if she's jumping straight into a situation with a 5 year old boy (because he'll be six soon :shifty). She needs to see how the tools work to recognize the situation for them and to execute them with confidence and in the moment, not as proof they work. She doesn't need proof. You're paying her.

[ArmsOfLove]

I suspect you will need to make it clear that you don't care what has worked for her in the past--that "working" isn't the issue, it's about honoring personhood and there are effective tools if she's willing to learn them. Her answer will probably be very telling.

for babysitters I think Jane Nelson's "Positive Discipline" is a great resource because it's very no-nonsense and very tool oriented :yes

[DancingWithElves]

let me elaborate now that i have both hands free :)

i have a mother's helper. and some days it feels like instead of having help for the two kids i've got, i'm taking on an extra one to care for. it's exhausting. but i care for her, and i have a close relationship with her grandparents. she is a great kid and has some family trouble. for me, it's worth it :yes it's my project, my calling, and i'll stay with it for as long as i'm called :heart i'm hearing that you just need someone to watch your kids, not a project. therefore, it sounds like you need another sitter.

what she did is very much full of immature, defensive, passive-aggressive, and punitive tone. of course, i'm reading into it ;) i don't have a whole lot to go on, but that's just what i'm hearing. in her defense--it's not an easy job :no plenty of adults are stumped by the kids' behaviors and that's why we have gcm :gcm

[Zooey]

I suspect you will need to make it clear that you don't care what has worked for her in the past--that "working" isn't the issue, it's about honoring personhood and there are effective tools if she's willing to learn them. Her answer will probably be very telling.

for babysitters I think Jane Nelson's "Positive Discipline" is a great resource because it's very no-nonsense and very tool oriented :yes
What Crystal said.

[Tengokujin]

From what you've said, it sounds like she has her methods really thought out and I can't see her being able to really wholeheartedly try a way that is foreign to her. Even if she can bring herself to "get" that what you say is how it needs to go, those kinds of behaviors, and more importantly, ATTITUDES, won't just disappear.

Good grief, I had a nice teenage girl here this evening who played with my 4 and 8 year old boys and enjoyed them! She's a JV cheerleader and pretty peppy, so maybe that helps, but sheesh! This isn't a hard thing, IMO!

[milkmommy]

:no not worth it :hug time for a new sitter
This first time I would have blunty told her her job was to keep my kids safe change diapers and enagage with then in a positive way. shes was never there to discipline and punish. And repeats or arguments would have ended the relationship.

[ThirstyTurtle]

I would be looking for a new sitter.

If you do, then Protecting the Gift has a nice outline of an interview for childcare providers.

[Ellen]

It can be hard enough for parents to change from a punitive paradigm. I wouldn't count on a babysitter being able to make that that switch, you know? Even if she tried to do what you request, her attitude toward your son's misbehaviors would still come through.