Feeling like there's something more I should be doing.

[Mum2Es]

Scenario:

Chicken (3) is pestering Princess (6.5) who is trying to read a book and doesn't want to play (I'm cooking dinner so don't intervene as soon as I otherwise probably would have). Chicken perserveres until Princess snaps and SCREAMS at her, in a hysterical tone, something unintelligible but very angry. Princess then runs into another room and SLAMS the door shut. I comfort Chicken and leave Princess to cool down. After 5 minutes or so, Princess comes out, gives me a hug and apologises, and says she shouldn't have done that because it hurt her throat, then, without me prompting her, goes to Chicken with a hug and apology. :heart

I am :rockon that Princess knows she needs to put herself in a secluded spot and calm down, and that when she is calm she comes out and apologises and makes amends to the wounded party.

But I feel like there is something I should be saying. Maybe remind her that she should ask me to help her by removing Chicken earlier, before she loses her temper? Or tell me she is getting angry so I can help her remove herself calmly? Something. What do you think? It just didn't feel right to just hug her back and go on with making dinner, without a conversation about what had happened.

[bolt.]

They both need for you to teach them the skills to get out of a situation like that, and to practice and support those skills/plans/choices until they come naturally.

Chicken needs to know what pestering is, how to know when she is doing it, that it is a mistake, and what she might do instead. At her age, probably teach these things through toys or puppets, every day or every other day for 2 or 3 weeks.

Princess needs to learn an escalating scale of anti-pester behaviours. These are great to learn, because they also double as anti-bully behaviours and anti-unjust-adult behaviours.

She also needs to learn how to tell when she is getting frustrated, before the frustration gets so big that she can't stop it from making mistakes like shouting and slamming.

So I guess that's 3 skills - one for Chicken, and two for Princess. Probably only a month's work, if you prioritize the teaching conversations on a daily basis for each of them.

For Princess, discussion and role play are probably good methods, though she's not to big for toy-based role play. When discussing things with her, make sure you are a good listener: respond to the things she shares, take her seriously, and use her own vocabulary back to her whenever possible. It might be good to develop a code word that Princess can say, and Chicken can react to. Princess also needs to know that you are there to help, and it should become clear at exactly what point (before max frustration) she should be calling you in to deal with Chicken's refusal to respect her boundaries.

Also -- do you 3 have an afternoon snack? With protien? (An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.)

[Mum2Es]

Pam, thank you for the thoughtful reply. There's lots of useful stuff there.

Princess needs to learn an escalating scale of anti-pester behaviours. These are great to learn, because they also double as anti-bully behaviours and anti-unjust-adult behaviours.

Please expand on this?

She also needs to learn how to tell when she is getting frustrated, before the frustration gets so big that she can't stop it from making mistakes like shouting and slamming.

:yes definitely. I'm not sure if I'm the best or the worst person to help her with this - it's something I struggle with a lot myself.

Yes, we have protein based snacks mid-afternoon, but by dinner time they're getting hungry again and I do think that is part of the problem. I sometimes give them vegies to eat while I'm cooking to tide them over.

[mamaKristin]

One approach you could take is being proactive about the dinner prep time. It's often called the witching hour in homes for a reason ;)

Maybe you could set them up with a craft, or an activity they can do while getting along well, or have one or both of them help get dinner ready. I'm currently having a "kid of the night" who helps set the table and bring side dishes out to the table. I've also been known to have the tv on during dinner prep time if the kids are getting squirrely. I know that dinner cooking time is often when my brain shuts down a bit as I'm focused on something, and I can miss those cues on when to step in and help my kids. Being proactive about setting them up to be successful while I'm working has been a good move around here.