Here's the scenario...

[RedTulipMom]

Hi ladies,
Even though i have lurked around here for years and i have read Crystal's book i am stil somewhat clueless how to GBD so don't mind the slew of questions i come here with over the next months as i LEARN...thanks.

How would you handle this situation?

my 4 yr old daughter A was in the kitchen and i asked her to put something in the garbage and she just looked straight at me and said "NO!" and ran down the hall. How would you as GB mommas respond to this????

thanks
karen

[MarynMunchkins]

Depends on what needed to go in the trash and what time of day it was. :)

Most likely, I'd go after her, say "You seem to have misunderstood. That was not a question." and then go through the 5 steps with her.

However, there's a good chance that if it was dinner time, and I knew she was hungry (and I'm hungry), I'd put it in the trash and the next time she came back I'd say something to her about it. I'd have her help me at the next moment I had the energy to enforce it.

[bolt.]

my 4 yr old daughter A was in the kitchen and i asked her to put something in the garbage and she just looked straight at me and said "NO!" and ran down the hall. How would you as GB mommas respond to this????
I'd have never started that. It's not wise to give a direct command to a 4 year old over an inconsequential thing. Save your strength.

On the other hand, did you 'ask' or did you 'tell'? -- if you only asked, it's totally fair for her to choose not to do what you ask. Asking is a great thing. It gives the opportunity for willing co-operation -- it has it's place. When 'asking' one has to be prepared for either response. She does seem to need to learn the skill of a polite response for not wanting to do what she is asked, though.

(Asking sounds like, "Would you please do X for me, Darling?" -- A direct instruction sounds like, "Darling, do X.")

So if I had (by accident) given a direct instruction for something inconsequential to a 4 year old and had that happen, I would 'pause' things in the kitchen and calmly (without hurry) follow the child. When I found them I would sit on the floor and begin making 'small talk' ('small play') before saying things like, "In the kitchen just now you seemed upset." and asking things like, "Do you remember what I said about the thing? You didn't want to do that did you? 'No'-ing is a mistake. We need a better plan for what to do when I tell you to do something. The right thing to do is... Let's practice." Then I'd say, "Are you ready to go back to the kitchen and do the right thing? Or do you need more practice here?" Then we'd go back, and with plenty of smiles, I'd tell her what to do, she'd do it, and I'd lavish her with praise for remembering what the right thing to do is.

If I had only asked, I would take a moment later in the day or the next day, and casually bring her back to the kitchen and help her remember the incident. I'd say she seemed upset, and I wanted to know what bothered her about me asking her to do me a favour. I would make sure she knew the difference between being asked and told. We'd practice being able to tell the difference.

We'd practice that through a few days, until it was clear that she could tell the difference. Then I'd move on to teaching (in a positive supportive way) an appropriate script for politely choosing not to do a favour for someone else. Then we'd practice that for a few weeks.

At 4, talking kindly, teaching skills/scripts and practicing them are usually more than enough to instill a new behaviour -- though it takes a while, and you have to be consistent as well as consistently kind. There are ways to go further, if she proves really resistant (after you've been teaching kindly a single skill for a month or more). If that happens, we can walk you through that too.

Also, I'd think about good planing -- getting an afternoon snack into both you and her (before you hit the making-supper low blood sugar phase) would probably make a world of difference.

[RedTulipMom]

thanks ladies!

bolt...your detailed answer was exactly what i needed to fully understand where i tend to go wrong. i need to read some more gbd books is there a list around here somewhere?

[MaybeGracie]

You can find a great list here (http://gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=210121), Karen. :tu