Gentle Parenting with DH

[DavidKelleyMay18]

I'm finally starting to see or feel the reason why I'm feeling frustrated or disconnected with dh. I feel the last several mos. I keep trying to make things better in my eyes with gentle parenting. Some things in him I see that I was like, and other things like hitting/spanking I never believed in. It doesn't mean I didn't do it when I was mad though. Are all of your dh's on the same page, or are they doing the complete opposite of it. How do you handle it if so? I feel quite connected with my 7 yr. old now. It's about time. lol Really at night I see his problem is he needs help with pj's etc.. and that he's tired. DH take on it is he can do it on his own and he's not listening. So the kids and dh just came home from grocery shopping. Jacob was taking the stickers off of the milk, which dh said was fine. Carissa was crying because she didn't want them off. DH told Jacob to stop. He said it 2-3 times which I totally understand the frustration, so he hit him on the hand. I tell him there are other ways to handle it. His answer was he wasn't listening. My answer to him was we are not always perfect, and we don't always listen. I think he was just aggravated with me, so he said nothing. I was wanting him to read "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" with me to be downloaded or whatever on audio as he has an hr. ride to and from work, but it's only available to read. Darn! He won't read it as he's soo soo busy. Anyways I went off topic, so does anyone have any suggestions.

Kelley

[DavidKelleyMay18]

Any advice here?

Thanks, Kelley

[CapeTownMommy]

How is your DH's relationship with the kids? Bear in mind that gentle parenting is 100% grounded in relationship, so if his relationship with them is very distant, gentle parenting will look :crazy to him.

[Little Forest]

No advice, but all my empathy! I have the same kind of trouble as DH is stuck in a punitive mentality and just does not get GD and does not want to get it.

It has been 2 years since I started and I realize that he has improved a lot compared to then so I must have rubbed off a little bit on him. It is still very frustrating for all involved when we are just not on the same page.
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[rjy9343]

:hugheart No advise. We are not on the same page either, but I did manage to get spanking off the table. It is so frustrating.

[WingsOfTheMorning]

:hugheart That must be hard.

When you said "there are other ways to handle it," did you give an example? I ask b/c I'm wondering if your DH needs more tools, what TO DO when DS isn't listening. Being more understanding of DS's situation is part of GD, but so are tools like the 5 steps.

My DH hasn't read any of the books, we've just had many mini conversations about it, usually not when we're right in the moment dealing with the kids though. I might bring up an ongoing issue we're having with DD1 and say I read X or Y way of responding.

[DavidKelleyMay18]

How is your DH's relationship with the kids? How is his relationship with the kids huh? Well crazy answer, but I'm not sure how to answer that. My 10 yr. old mentions a lot how she wants to go to the movies with him. She asks when she's going to go with him. A few mos. back they went to get lobster together, but I had to put it on his list to make it happen. I may not make things happen to go places with the kids right away, but I will put it on my list and I get to it. For me I have to do it for him which is frustrating. He works over an hr. away. My ds is 12, and recently dh said to him we'll go through your Sunday School lesson together. His answer was why? It made me sad, but I see why because he was never involved in that before. I feel like it's just me and the kids. DH is here but there is always a project going on. Something is always on the list to do. Yes, he brings my 7 yr. old to Home Depot with him when he goes. During the week he'll go grocery shopping with the kids. I know he tries, but sometimes he'll just come home and he's yelling at them. It's so frustrating, because I'm trying to not yell and then he'll just up and yell when he hasn't even been home 5 minutes. The comment is well I said it 3X. It's like just "make it happen". My dd was upset this week when they went grocery shopping. She said that dd at 5 was mad that she only got to pick one pkg. of yogurt out, so she was crying. He spanked her because she was crying, and wouldn't stop. Then apparently he put her in the cart as she continued. I don't understand why he didn't just put her in the cart because she was having a hard time, and talking with her about it. Every night he gets mad because my ds will start giving a hard time before bed. I tell him Jacob just wants help. He's tired, so I get up and do it or he'll say but he's 7. It's like how are we when we are tired. Anyways..so there is for the relationship...

When you said "there are other ways to handle it," did you give an example? I ask b/c I'm wondering if your DH needs more tools, what TO DO when DS isn't listening.

Well I'm not sure if I've given him examples, so to speak. Well when he gets mad that ds is having a hard time going to get dressed at night while he's sitting on the computer I'll say just help him. His comment is he's 7 yrs. old. I'll tell him I help him all of the time. That's all he wants. I'm realizing now that my 7 yr. old truly needs help. I think he truly believes that he's giving a hard time, and it's not the case.

Kelley

[Little Forest]

I would recommend getting counseling together. Would he be willing to do that with you? Sometimes it helps to have a "neutral 3rd party" to help him see that he has relational issues and to discuss other strategies for dealing with behavior.

When it comes to some things, when I say it, it does not compute, but when he hears it from someone else, it might make sense.
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[DavidKelleyMay18]

I would recommend getting counseling together. Would he be willing to do that with you? Sometimes it helps to have a "neutral 3rd party" to help him see that he has relational issues and to discuss other strategies for dealing with behavior.

When it comes to some things, when I say it, it does not compute, but when he hears it from someone else, it might make sense.
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I talked with dh last night about a few things. I told him how there are other ways to deal with things with the kids probably mainly Jacob. He just doesn't get it. Half the time he'll be the computer when home. I told him that I've been working with him a lot, and he's gotten soo soo much better. He doesn't see it. He told me how he wakes up and argues with the kids. I totally don't see it. Yes, it happens some but there used to be crying etc.. before I got out of bed. Now he'll come to me this happened. The older kids aren't complaining about Jacob, and most of them are getting it too. Car rides are nice and quiet now. I told him that Jacob sometimes just needs help. He said he helps him sometimes, but how a minute earlier he was fine until he asked him to put pj's on. I said if you ask him if he needs help he'll go up with you. The age came up again. I said Jacob is Jacob. He always will be. I said there has been soo much improvement. He disagrees with me and told him sometimes when he asks him to do something he's grunt aghh and put his head down. I said I'm not saying everything is perfect, but things have improved soo very much. Him saying this makes me feel like I just want to quit it all. It makes me soo sad. The last few days I've woken up to hear Jacob say you are a nice Mommy. You don't yell anymore. That just melts my :heart .

Part of this is there is basically no marriage with him. How many nights do the kids go to bed where he goes on the computer with not one word from him. Yes, I'll go to my computer as well, but I'll ask to talk with him and he'll say we'll talk. When in 20 yrs. or if I say I feel he doesn't care he'll say he does. I'm constantly saying words are words but no action. Last night, when I told him that he has no clue how I'm feeling as I'm lonely etc.. he said we could start doing devotions together again. We used to do it, but unfortunately that ended pretty quickly. No I'm not perfect, but unless I mentioned devotions it totally didn't happen. Even then half the time it didn't happen, so I just gave up at it. I'm not believing that the devotions will start up again.

As far as counseling with dh he probably would do it if I asked. Sounds silly, but I feel embarrassed to ask him about counseling together. I've gone to counseling alone in the past, and have had him come to some sessions with me at times. But to go to marriage counseling I just feel strange bringing it up. He did ask if I had any other ideas. I did think to mention counseling, but I felt strange asking. I feel there is absolutely not one speck of a marriage. It feels like a business deal. We have 5, and well there is absolutely not a chance of another when the chances of anything happening are slim in between. I used to sit for a family where their marriage was soo strong. I want that so bad, but part of me just wants to give up and just live with it. DH hasn't mentioned the bible study that we go to 1X a mo. but I'm sure it will come up. I'm totally not interested. If our marriage isn't okay how am I supposed to act like all is just fine. These days I feel the same about church. Okay the more I write the more I see that our marriage is disappearing more and more these days.

Well thank-you for listening to me and my issues..
Kelley

[Little Forest]

I really do thing it is worth a try for the marriage counseling, even if it seems strange or embarassing to do. We did that last year at a very rough patch and it did make things a bit better, though far from perfect. We could have used more, hmm. Sorry for all the trouble you are having.
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