"making amends" when one child offends another

[GraceFirst]

I have made the mistake in the past of teaching my kids to "say sorry" when they have offended or hurt someone else, making that the end of the issue and expecting the offended one to accept the apology and get on with it. I realize that there needs to be a way for the offender to "make amends" or "make it right" BEYOND the apology to make sure they are reconciled with the offended one. Right? What does this look like? I have a hard time in some instances finding a relatable way for them to show they are trying to make it right.

For example, DD1 (6yo) was swimming in the pool underwater and pulled on the leg of DD2 (3yo) which pulled her under water. DD2 went under then came up crying that she was pulled under. DD1 yelled a quick "Sorry!" then went right back under, playing in the water. I told her that in addition to saying the words I'm sorry, she needs to make it right with her sister. When she asked "How?" I had no ideas as to how to tell her to do that. (This is just one example.)

Also, there seems like a fine line between having them "DO" something to make it right, and imposing a punishment (especially when the offender has no interest in making things right at the moment and it might FEEL like a punshment to them.)

Or on the other hand, what do you do when the offended one is so upset by the offense that they have no interest in allowing the offender to make it right with them, and it ends up creating a bigger conflict?

I guess I'm trying to work out in my head all the intricacies of this...does this make sense? :think

[Heather R]

I'm also curious...

[Love_Is_Patient]

In situations where an offense was accidental or impulsive and there's no physical thing to do to fix it, it might help to have the offender ask 'are you ok?' or (if it's obvious they're crying and upset) 'is there anything I can do to help?'. It at least makes them slow down and recognize that the other person may be hurt, and can invite the other one to say something like 'I'm ok' or 'I need a band-aid' or 'I just need some time to myself right now'.

In the pool situation, I would probably have called ds out of the pool for a heartfelt talk on just HOW dangerous pulling people down in the pool is. No roughhousing in the pool, EVER. That's an important thing to learn. If we'd already had that talk, pulling his younger sister under would mean him getting out of the pool for awhile.

ETA: When the offended one doesn't want comforting, I don't require the offender to do anything for them. I might say 'you can play on your own for awhile. Later, if she wants a hug, you can give her one.'

Of course, if it's something they can fix, like replacing a spilled cup of water or picking up something they knocked down, that's much easier to handle!

[mommy9994]

my children say "name, I'm sorry for xyz, would you please forgive me?" then it is up to the offended child to forgive. If something can be made right, the offending child is to make it right. In the pool incident, we would have had a serious discussion, and then I would suggest ways to "make it right" i.e. offering a pool toy, giving a hug (if your le likes them, mine doens't)-- one of my older children would have missed some pool time (probably not at 6, but my 8 and up, who definitely know the dangers)

[ArmsOfLove]

I think it's important to look at the big picture in these situations. I have my children ask whoever was wronged, "How can I make this better?" after they've expressed their apology/regret. With little children it's often a hug, "don't do it again", or even a rousing round of Ring Around the Rosie ;)

The key is that the wronged person feels they have been restored and that the relationship is strengthened and the two parties are able to move forward without this being brought up again :heart

[EnglishRose]

yes, i ask dd 'what can you do to try nd make the situation better? or '*** is now very sad, cn we think of something to cheer him up.'

In the pool i might have said 'look dd2 is very upset, can you think of wy to mke the situation better.' Then if dd1 couldn't think i might hve sid 'perhaps you can think of relly fun game you could both play in the pool so that she doesn't go home scared of the water.'

We often focus upon the effect of her behaviour& how to help that - so if she scred ds with loud noise she might then sing him fun song to stop him feeling afraid.

She also makes me cards or picks a flower out of the garden.

I have had to teach her that while we can try to make it better we can't always control / force people to feel a certain way so once she has tried she has to accept it if the person is not ready to receive her efforts. In which case she has tried her best.

[DavidKelleyMay18]

I'm interested to hear this as well. When I ask what we need to make it right the automatic say sorry, hug and kiss and I feel he is not really sorry, so I help more suggestions will add up.

Thanks for posting, Kelley

[joysworld]

My kids will say I'm sorry, ask for forgiveness, and if someone was hurt, they will attempt to comfort them. For the swimming incident, just having her give her a hug, I would think would be making amends.

I also think it makes a huge impact when the offender sees mom or dad paying attention first to the offended. So instead of offender getting the attention first, the offended does. IMO this shows the offender how important making amends is as well as how to make amends. And usually when the offender sees this, they will come over and mimic mom and dad in comforting. Of course, that usually only happens if the offense was accidentally;) If it was on purpose, they still see that the hurt person is the priority.

[MaybeGracie]

I have mine take care of the hurt person, asking if they're okay and what they can do to help make them feel better. Apologies are modeled in the form of, "I am sorry for ___; will you forgive me?"