physical aggression in a 3yr old

[mom2afew]

Sorry this is kinda a ramble of my thoughts. I'm just not sure what to do anymore with his behaviour.

he doesn't seem to understand hurting people is a bad thing to do. He's been a biter for a long time. It was finally starting to go away and become less of an issue, untill the neighbour boy who is his age also bit him. and he still has issues with hitting, punching and kicking, etc. i'm constantly on him about keeping his hands to himself, etc. it doesn't seem to make a difference if i say, we don't hit, or we keep our hands to ourselves or if you feel like punching, you can punch a pillow.

Today he bit my 5yr DD on the ear. I didn't actually see it happen as i was washing up super dishes. he was upset already cause he didn't finish supper and didn't get his banana he wanted after. Time outs/comfy corner sort of ideas don't work. he will apoligize after, and when i ask him if he likes getting bit, he says "no, it hurts". I also tell him that I love him but his behaviour needs to change, maybe that's not age appropriate. I don't know.

He'll patronize his older sister too, just sit there looking at her with a fist ready to punch, and she lets on that she's scared. and it doesn't seem to matter how much i try to tell her that he's doing it just to scare her/get a reaction she keeps acting that way, and he keeps pestering.

I just don't get it, I need some tools on how to deal with this.

[passthemanna]

subbing :(

[DavidKelleyMay18]

I don't really want to just answer for someone else here, but what worked for me by bolt's previous suggestion here and what may work for you is this. I'm not sure but it's worth a shot. It worked for my 5 yr. old and my 7 yr. old. Have your child have a gentle? Gentle is to help with hitting, biting etc.. Do my 5 yr. and 7 yr. old still hit from time to time? Sure they do, but once I start to stay on top of them again to bring gentle into play they quickly do well again. Two days ago my 7 yr. old told me that he's been talking to gentle lately. I was unsure that it would work, but they love to find gentle. After my 5 yr. old was having a tough time yesterday she came to me upset that she couldn't find gentle. They love their own individual gentles.

HTH
Kelley

[mom2afew]

Sounds like your gentle is an object? I do have "mr happy" he's a wooden spoon that they are allowed to bite. What do you do with this gentle and how do you use it in decreasing aggression between the kids?

[MarynMunchkins]

My guess is that he's not getting enough big muscle movement. My older boys and I have all wrestled for a good hour a day at that age, and now I let Shrimp wrestle with the bigger boys. Being able to push each other over, knock each other down, and "fight" is rather ingrained in boys and they need to be able to get it out somehow. :)

Play-doh is another good way to be able to poke and pound without anyone getting hurt.

When he's getting enough of that kind of thing, he's able to handle disappointment and upset much better. :tu

[bolt.]

What Kelly is referring to is using a toy or puppet to role-play along with the child. The toy (that Kelly calls 'gentle') is trying to learn how to be gentle, just like the child is, and they can talk to each other about what they are trying to do. You, the child, and the toy form a team to help each other learn to become more gentle.

So the parent can ask things like "if the toy feels like doing X, what can he do instead?" and the child can be the problem-solver rather than the object-of-correction. It's a teaching method that takes the kid out of the hot-seat and keeps the conversations age-appropriate, fun and motivational.

You would use this prop for teaching conversations (at first) 3 or 4 times a day, to keep it front-of-mind, whether the child is doing well or not. It's preventative. They you would decrease the frequency of the reminder conversations.

The parent can also make the toy sad when it makes a mistake, and see how the child responds... or have the child describe their mistake and their feelings to the toy afterwards... all sorts of things.

[DavidKelleyMay18]

Thanks bolt. I was nervous to mention it as I was afraid that I would explain it wrong. Thank-you for clarifying how it works.

Kelley

[mom2afew]

Thanks so much for your ideas!! i'm going to try harder to get him enough "rough play" time. I do think you had a good thought there. Dad is usually the one that plays rough, but it isn't every day, but they LOVE it when they can do it. I'm not sure how good i'll be at it, feeling kinda ill now that morning sickness is in full swing bt some rough and tough play woudl be good. and i'll make some new playdough. but that usually only keeps him entertained for like 15 mins at the most.

This gentle puppet play sounds interesting. kinda hard to think of how i'll impliment it, i'm really not an actor or a play writer. but we'll see how it goes, and i'll keep this in mind for sure!! i appriciate the clarification.

[Chaos Coordinator]

thank you times forty thousand million infinity plus two and then some.

my kid plays super rough, and between having my arms full of giant newborn, and the anemia, i'd kind of just thrown the towel in :shifty and enrolled him in play-school at the gymnastics center.

i'm going to work on the suggestions in this thread. my kid deserves more than a mom who gave up :shifty :bag

[DancingWithElves]

your daughter needs to be empowered big time. :yes

1. tell nicely if it's not emergent
2. use your big voice, or do this right away if it's a more serious issue (like when he is holding up the fist) "NO, DO NOT DO THAT, STOP NOW!"

3. Go get help. Not tattle. Get help. "Mom, db and I need help, can you come over please? I'm scared b/c he is acting like he will punch me"

at which point you enter to script and direct or re-direct.

remember, you cannot just tell her he's doing it to get to her. you cannot just tell him that his behavior is inappropriate :no you have to give specific, actionable coaching 1000 times and then help them follow your directions. *then* they learn and change.

a 1 yr old is expected to hit every time he or she feels like it. by three, they will use words or simply redirect themselves close to half the time. by six, when they feel like hitting, they can control the impulse most of the time. that's the normal developmental timeline :)

I second sensory play big time.
Lots of opportunities for those gross motor movements!

[mom2afew]

your daughter needs to be empowered big time. :yes

1. tell nicely if it's not emergent
2. use your big voice, or do this right away if it's a more serious issue (like when he is holding up the fist) "NO, DO NOT DO THAT, STOP NOW!"

3. Go get help. Not tattle. Get help. "Mom, db and I need help, can you come over please? I'm scared b/c he is acting like he will punch me"

at which point you enter to script and direct or re-direct.

remember, you cannot just tell her he's doing it to get to her. you cannot just tell him that his behavior is inappropriate :no you have to give specific, actionable coaching 1000 times and then help them follow your directions. *then* they learn and change.

a 1 yr old is expected to hit every time he or she feels like it. by three, they will use words or simply redirect themselves close to half the time. by six, when they feel like hitting, they can control the impulse most of the time. that's the normal developmental timeline :)

I second sensory play big time.
Lots of opportunities for those gross motor movements!

She usually does 2 of those things, kinda skips the nicely, but whenever she uses the big voice to get him to stop he just pull sthis face and teases her with the fact that he could punch her. So we are working on kind words first and for her to stand up for herself rather then run to me scared.

the big muscle place seems to be helping, and i've been trying to give more one on one time with him. Have to make some playdough still, been trying to all week lol.

I don't think he redirects himself half the time...but he is a little behind in speach too, it seems he has a hard time getting what he is thinking out. I've been thinking about taking him to speach therapy.

[DancingWithElves]

also, sit down with the two of them, and write down what they CAN do together, and they would enjoy. if they say things like "there's nothing i like to do with him/her" then collect grievances instead, and write them down as well. two columns, one for each. then read it back to them, to make sure you got it down right ;) if they chose to do grievances, then encourage (perhaps another day) to verbalize what they like about each other. simple things "she has pretty hair" "he is fast" and write those down too. read them back. it is a powerful anger and frustration diffusing tool :yes if ds has no words, help him by giving suggestions he can get behind.

and then again try to make a list of things they can do together. if there's lots of bickering, sit down, read the list to them "let's see, shall we plan to paint the bathtub with finger paints together today? or go collect some pretty leaves for mama?"