3.5 yr old tantrum questions

[ReadingMommy]

I've been floundering in my attempts to deal with my 3.5 yr old's tantrums. I know that they are usually a symptom of underlying issues - being over-tired, etc. - and so I do focus on addressing those things and trying to help him not get to that point. But we still have the occasional meltdowns when he's not feeling his best.

I've learned that trying to hug him or "talk him out of it" doesn't work AT ALL when he's in the middle of one. Many times, if he's losing control (starting to hit, etc) I've had to put him behind the baby gate in our hallway because I can't allow him to hit me or be rough with his 13 mo-old sister. He's allowed to come out when he gains control and is ready to try again. Sometimes this works, but other times, it just escalates the fit and he'll go find toys he can bang or throw to emphasize how upset he is. My preference would be to sit with him and walk him through how to calm himself down, but when he's really worked up he's in no state to listen. So I guess my main question is: Is there a need for kids this age to have a physical outlet for this anger? Should I be encouraging him to hit his pillow or something, or should I be doing something differently to diffuse the anger and help him calm down? Or just leave him behind the gate (not as punishment, but so that he can't hit anyone or continue trying to do what I said "no" to) until he calms down on his own? I don't like that option, because I'm not sure it's "teaching him" anything valuable about how to deal with his feelings. But if he's too worked up to let me "help" him, what can I do?

[Joanne]

How often does this type of trantrum happen?

I noticed this is your first post. Gentle Christian Mothers is a intentional community of sorts of like minded (mostly) Christian women who post here because we agree on some ideas regarding baby and child care.

Are you familiar with GCM's approach?

[ReadingMommy]

Yes, thank you! I've been reading on this board for a good while and finally joined. I think I have a good handle on the gbd philosophy, it's just the practical application that I am still trying to work out. These tantrums don't happen all the time, but enough that I realize I need an "approach" to use. We just dealt with this again today thanks to L being tired and cranky from being sick the past couple of days, so it's fresh on my mind.
----------------------------edited to add------------------

I wrote out a little of my background in the "meeting you" section

[MudPies]

my oldest does tend to need a physical outlet sometimes, and my dh remembers being the same way:doh:shifty so we tell him he can stamp his feet, or do air punches or jumping jacks, but hitting and kicking people is not ok:no. and repeat a lot. and 3.5 is like the worst age ever:shifty so hang in there:hug2

[ReadingMommy]

Thanks, Mudpies! I like the jumping jacks idea. It doesn't seem like it would feed the aggression, but might still help to get all that pent-up crazy energy out. :yes

[Llee]

A friend just shared this with me yesterday and it's really worked! Get a cotton ball or kleenex and start blowing it. See how far you can blow it. Ask them how far they can blow it.

She also described them as pieces of clouds, which her 3 yo thought was pretty swell. :)

[ReadingMommy]

I like all these distraction ideas. I think when ds gets in fit mode, he kind-of gets "stuck" and isn't sure how to get himself back out. Trying to talk him out of it or make my response focus on the fit he's throwing just keeps him "stuck" there. Maybe what he needs is for me to help him by totally switching up the focus/scenery/activity whatever so that he is free to move out of that tantrum rut he's stuck in? Just pondering here, and reflecting on my experimentation with this yesterday. I wrote about it in another thread, but the gist is that he was stuck in a major tantrum and wouldn't stop...until I started ignoring his fit and calmly reading some of his favorite books to his little sister. He gradually calmed down and finally came over to join us, even though when I had asked him directly to sit with me and read, he kept tantruming and yelling no. Just my act of going ahead with it without him gave him the space he needed to reconsider and decide that reading books is more fun than screaming your head off:yes I need to write down a list of good "distractions" like the reading, jumping jacks, blowing cotton balls, whatever, and keep it handy, because it's hard to stay calm and think of these things when he's right in the middle of a (very loud) meltdown.