View Full Version : Basic Assumptions of GD

07-08-2011, 09:23 PM
Can we list what some of the basic assumptions behind gentle discipline are? Like, 1) First-time obedience is not our primary goal. 2) Children are not our adversaries. 3) Punitive measures are neither effective, nor Christ-like...

What else?

I'm trying to figure out how to explain GD in positive terms, rather than just ONLY reciting what I *don't* do (like "I don't spank, or use time-out, etc)... I know that the question is going to be, "ok, so if you don't spank/use time-out, then what DO you do? How do you get your kids to listen? don't we need to be in control as parents?" (this was my hubby's question a while back...). I feel like I want to explain a bit of the philosophy behind it but am having trouble putting it into words .

Make sense??

07-08-2011, 09:48 PM
GBD recognizes that children need to be disciplined in a way that recognizes their cognitive limitations (for example, if children don't develop impulse control until 5, then expecting them to show self control before then is pointless). It also recognizes that discipline means "to teach," and that pain is not necessary for teaching. GBD uses God's model of parenting as its foundation, mirroring His use of natural consequences and grace to lovingly guide His children. Finally, GBD seeks to keep the bond/relationship between parent and child strong and healthy by encouraging parents to approach their child not in an adversarial, "us against them" mindset, but with a "we are all on the same team" mindset. GBD always has an eye on the end goal, which is NOT "pleasant children RIGHT NOW" but "emotionally healthy, morally centered adults who recognize the consequences of their actions."

07-08-2011, 10:00 PM
Affirming Feelings...

No couch potato parenting (you may need to get up and interact with the kids, rather then barking orders and threats).

07-08-2011, 10:10 PM
gbd seeks to assume positive intent wherever possible

gbd seeks to assume that everyone (child or adult) is doing the best they can with what they have. So if you don't like what they're doing, you have to change "what they have" and give them a new skill or a new understanding, some help, etc.

gbd believes that inflicting pain in order to prevent a repeat occurrence of whatever it is is ineffective at best and damaging at worst.

gbd seeks to allow natural consequences to do the teaching where it is possible (if you don't wear your coat you will be cold) but doesn't mind stepping in with grace when necessary (oh, you're cold? Well I put your coat in the trunk before we left. Would you like to put it on now?)

When natural consequences are dangerous, ineffective,or simply not forthcoming, gbd uses logical consequences to teach what kids need to learn. If you leave my tools out after you use them, and you do it repeatedly, I will not make you miss dinner or not let you play outside or make you miss your favorite tv show, but I will ask you to clean them up and I am not going to be eager to let you use my tools again next time you want them for something.

gbd recognizes that discipline is short-sighted if it only starts after misbehavior or focuses on misbehavior. Discipline as teaching is most effective before the behavior occurs and seeks to teach and model good behavior. Setting kids up for success includes teaching, modeling, and trying to make sure, whenever possible, that their bellies are full, they are not too tired, and that expectations are age-appropriate.

07-08-2011, 10:17 PM
Thank-you! These are really helpful! Keep them coming! :clap:rockon:heart

07-08-2011, 10:31 PM
GD seeks to teach what to do rather than punish in order to enforce what not to do.

GD is focused on the long-term rather than the short-term.

GD relies on and seeks to continually develop a strong, healthy relationship between parent and child.

07-08-2011, 11:03 PM
GBD holds the value that parents need to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit *to* children rather than harshly demanding it *from* them.

07-09-2011, 05:23 AM
I think this should be a sticky.

07-09-2011, 05:52 AM
GBD recognizes that personal growth happens in the context of relationship.

God created us to be social creatures that are interdependent.

GBD offers a tools that help preserve relationship while still doing the very hard work of teaching children all the things they need to know to be healthy and productive adults.

"Life is about relationships, and we get things done along the way..."

07-09-2011, 06:49 AM
I've only read the OP. My very tired, very pregnant self thinks of these immediately.

GD is about relationship. The best discipline and learning comes from relationship.

GD is about modeling God to our kids. We all know that when kids think about God they think about their relationship with their parents. So I want to model the grace and love that God gives me to my kids so that they can understand God's grace and love.

07-09-2011, 09:22 AM
subbing! :)

07-09-2011, 05:06 PM
is scripting over and over. Teaching them what to say.

Relationship with your child. Means you're on the same team not pitted against one another.

GOYB make it happen.


07-09-2011, 06:20 PM
GBD is about treating our children as collaborators, whenever possible, instead of automatically as adversaries. Working with them rather than against them also recognizes that they may someday be our brothers/sisters in Christ and will someday be adults and "equal" to us in society no matter what their beliefs.

It's also about showing our children the fruit of the spirit - showing them love, gentleness, self-control, patience, kindness - rather than being harsh and demanding towards them.

GBD is also (for me, at least) about recognizing that *I* have trouble with big feelings. *I* have trouble being patient. *I* have trouble taking orders. Why would I expect my children to have an easier time doing those things when they're barely more than babies and I'm an adult?

I also think that it's important to recognize that child development isn't an excuse or just a result of the fall, it's the way that God created children to grow and learn. A normal child simply cannot get from point B (birth) to point G (grown-up) without going through the usual stages of development.

07-09-2011, 06:36 PM
GBD holds the value that parents need to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit *to* children rather than harshly demanding it *from* them.

I think THIS needs to be added to the random quotes if that feature still exists.

07-10-2011, 05:48 PM
This is so good! Sticky, sticky, sticky!

07-10-2011, 07:09 PM
This thread is just what I needed to read right now. :gcm
Most of it's going in an email to DH.

07-10-2011, 07:38 PM
Posted via Mobile Device

07-10-2011, 07:48 PM
Thank you so much for starting this thread Red - it's perfect timing for me.



07-10-2011, 09:12 PM
And old blog post of mine addresses some of the content of the OP.

Let's Not Talk About Spanking. (http://goybparenting.com/?p=52)

From the link:

EPP (Effective Practical Parenting) is not about spanking or not spanking. The presence or absence of spanking as a discipline tool offers little in terms of being able to evaluate the quality of discipline in a home. The fact that a family spanks does not mean they have effective discipline. The absence of spanking in a home does not suggest the absence of discipline.

Spanking is not the issue. Not spanking is not the issue.
The issue is that children require a lot of time, attention, direction and guidance. They require this *regardless* of discipline choices. The further truth is that even if you include spanking (or other forms of punishment), you will need to include the tools of EPP in order to be an effective, good parent.

Iíll say it again. The focus on *spanking* or *not spanking* misses the mark and obscures the real issue. EPP isnít about ďnot spankingĒ. Itís parenting in a manner that teaches, encourages, guides, corrects and assists children into maturity while helping them meet the family standard for behavior.

The purpose of this site and my book is to outline exactly how to execute and cultivate a home where Effective Practical Parenting is in place. Parents who use this style realize that discipline isnít merely a list of tools used; rather, itís a relationship, a lifestyle and a way of thinking about the nature of children and life with children.

Tools vary, often according to the personality of the child. Effective Practical Parenting is characterized by using proactive tools to create a positive family atmosphere and it utilizes kind and firm ways to enforce rules. EPP understands age appropriate behaviors and doesnít punish for them. Instead, a parent using EPP will stop the inappropriate behavior and teach an appropriate behavior in its place. An EPP family will work actively with their children to develop self control, while enforcing reasonable boundaries of behavior.

Effective Practical Parenting works. Because it is kind, respectful and firm, children are shown respect and are taught tools for managing their behavior. A parent partners with the child to teach them life skills and to help develop the habits of self control.

07-10-2011, 10:28 PM
You mamas have no idea how much I needed to read these right now. Thank you, Jesus :heart

07-10-2011, 10:39 PM
This thread is just what I needed to read right now. :gcm
Most of it's going in an email to DH.

:giggle I am copying and pasting to print it so I can have it on our whiteboard. I was thinking maybe one quote per week and rotate them. Brainwash him real good. :giggle

07-11-2011, 03:48 AM
This thread has been extremely helpful!!! It's good to have these "conversation pieces" to discuss GBD. Thanks, all!

07-11-2011, 11:51 AM
I appreciate your articulations of GD
For us - wooing our child toward holiness.

07-11-2011, 02:13 PM

07-11-2011, 02:31 PM
I appreciate your articulations of GD
For us - wooing our child toward holiness.

I love this so much :heart

07-11-2011, 08:12 PM
:cup so good, by the grace of God I hope someday this will sink from my eyes to my brain to my heart.

07-12-2011, 12:48 PM
One-word ideas:


07-12-2011, 02:31 PM
This is an awesome thread! I am new to the forum, and new to spending a lot of time thinking about parenting. As my daughter turned two and we started getting lots of "advice" from people, it pushed my husband and I to dig into our hearts to find how we wanted to raise our child(ren).

He is much better than I am at putting words together, but our goal is to teach her who she should be instead of who she shouldn't be. Instead of punishing her for doing the wrong thing, we want to live by example to teach her to do the right thing. We want to gently guide her and let her little soul learn to be guided by the Holy Spirit, instead of OUR hands doing the guiding. <3 I'm so happy to be a part of this forum.

08-28-2011, 10:11 PM

08-28-2011, 10:24 PM
Subbing. I also like the idea of making this sticky.

08-29-2011, 06:30 AM
Remind me again, what does GOYB stand for?

08-29-2011, 07:50 AM
Remind me again, what does GOYB stand for?

Get off Your Butt Parenting (http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=54) :)

08-29-2011, 11:41 AM
Get off Your Butt Parenting (http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=54) :)

Oh! I guess I never knew what it meant, but I LOVE it!!!

08-29-2011, 01:42 PM
I agree with everybody else, so I won't be repetative... here are a few more...

I assume that children are people, and that when it is possible they should be treated with the same sorts of dignity and personal consideration that we tend to give other people in our lives -- unless there really is a specific and reasonable reason not to do so.

I assume that parenting is ministry, a calling and a holy duty. All types of ministry are about being a way that the love of God gets from God to another person, in practical ways, through me.

I assume that the type of ministry parenting is should be called a 'teaching and leadership' ministry, and as such, the most appropreate skills to apply to the tasks are the skills of godly, pastoral servant leadership (adjusted for the age of our followers) and the skills of good teaching (with specific attention to the age of our learners).

I assume that everybody learns everything best when they are feeling calm, happy, comfortable, secure and unthreatened. (Therefore, if it's important that a child learn to do something, or not to do something, it is a good idea to pick a teaching-window that has those characteristics).

I assume (based on what I learned in a counselling class) that (generally) the single most influential person in a person's life, ever, is their same-gender parent, followed by their primary-caregiver (parent or otherwise) in young childhood. The lessons from these people can be phenomenally difficult to ever un-learn or disergard, even with professional help. (Therefore what I am doing is incredibly important. It's not child-minding.)

I assume that most things that matter to personhood and character are caught-not-taught before a child turns 6 years old.

08-30-2011, 07:47 PM

08-30-2011, 09:24 PM

great thread! :heart

08-30-2011, 09:42 PM

08-30-2011, 09:52 PM

08-31-2011, 01:34 PM
I like this about showing them the fruit of the spirit, working with them and letting them go through the stages of development. Does anyone have any good sites about child development. ??

08-31-2011, 02:07 PM
I like this about showing them the fruit of the spirit, working with them and letting them go through the stages of development. Does anyone have any good sites about child development. ??
Ames and Ilg have a great series of books (from year 3 on I generally say take the discipline stuff with a grain of salt but the developmental stuff is awesome :tu)

06-03-2012, 06:24 PM
this is an older thread, but it has a lot of good information that I want to be able to find :)

06-04-2012, 10:50 AM
We want to gently guide her and let her little soul learn to be guided by the Holy Spirit, instead of OUR hands doing the guiding.

This is so important! So much "Christian" parenting advice is based on controlling children instead of letting the Holy Spirit do His job with them. :yes

ETA this really should be a sticky!!!

06-16-2012, 12:07 PM
Just saw this thread for the first time.... so beautiful, it has me in tears!