Really, really struggling.

[ilovewest]

So this is my first post and I wish it could be a more positive one.... I'm really really having a hard time right now and need some wisdom from you all. I will try to make this as short and informative as possible and hope I can give you a clear picture of what's going on. Here goes......

DS is 28 months and extremely verbal. Three months ago we found out we would be moving from Massachusetts to Alaska at the beginning of April for my DHs new job. Those last three months have been awful..... In order to actually get the salary that was offered to him, DH had to finish his doctoral dissertation before we went, so he had been working *literally* nonstop to get it all finished until last Friday when he successfully defended and is now Dr. So and So. Yay! Except that I have been single parenting that entire time, and doing so while pregnant (almost 10 wks now) and off of the maybe 4 hrs of sleep my DS let's me get each night. He nurses and cosleeps still. He is a terrible, terrible sleeper.... Still up about every 1.5 to 2 hrs during the night. Pediatrician says it due to the fact that he is so advanced and his little brain just can't stop processing, which truthfully, is cold comfort at this point in my sleep deprivation.

ANYWAYS.

DH finished his work on Friday and DS and had to leave that same day to fly down to NM to stay with my parents while DH drives all our stuff 4700 miles up to AK. We are staying here for the two weeks it will take for the drive and will fly up and meet DH mid month. For the past month I have had to almost single handedly pack up our entire house and load the UHaul, while trying to wrangle and gently parent DS. There is also some financial stuff (out of our control, don't worry, we're very responsible with our money) going on that is beyond beyond beyond stressful, and let's not even mention having to sell our house.

ANYWAYS, AGAIN. (I'm sorry, I know this sounds like a rant, but I'm just trying to give a clear picture of the tremendous stress we're all under/have been under for some time now).

So now we're here at my parents. I love them very much and they are very difficult people. Being here is very stressful but we had nowhere else to go for this time. We arrived this past Friday.

DS is a complete and total mess. I know it's because of all our stress and all these huge transitions we're having to drag him thru right now. By a mess I mean: SCREAMING hysterically and inconsolably when he doesn't get what he wants immediately, hitting or kicking me when I tell him he can't touch my other boobie when he's nursing, he hasn't been obedient ONCE since we arrived here, and is generally miserable. I am beside myself with guilt at having to make him go thru all of this change, but there were no other options. I am just incredibly sad and feel like a pitiful excuse of a mother.

He is wanting to nurse constantly, and I have been letting him do so happily because I know it provides him so much comfort in this stressful time. Except that now he is just plain 'ol screaming and demanding it now about every 30 minutes. When he is not screaming and demanding it, he is in tears and whining constantly for it. it is absolutely awful.

My questions are these:

Is this normal behavior for a previously well behaved, very happy and delightful little boy going thru such a stressful time of transition?

Is this constant nursing a demanding of nursing par for the course during a time like this too? How should I be handling this? I usually remind him to ask me in a quiet voice with good manners and he complies about half the time.

Does it sound like he needs gentle discipline for these behaviors, or just more hugs and understanding and nursing? We do have boundaries, our usual ones, which we stick to, but I'm just grasping at straws now.... Anything to make this situation better for him and more bearable for me.

I feel at a total loss, I'm too sleep deprived and my stress level is at the max so I feel completely unable to have any perspective on this. And my spiritual life is the pits at the moment :blush

You are a saint if youve read this far. So sorry for such a scattered and long complainy post. Any and all advice and prayers are appreciated.

[Cook]

First off: :hugheart YOU are NOT alone!!! I remember when ds was only 1.5 and lil bro was just born we lived with ILs for a month+ until husband was done with training. It was insane trying to empathize with my sons when I was already stressed/sleep deprived and out of my own comfort zone. I think one of the biggest things you can do is to start patting yourself on the back right now for sharing and supporting your husband's vision and way in which he is trying to provide for yall! :clap

This will end. At some point you will be living together "happily ever after" and all the new struggles that it will entail. You are right to think your son is going through something and to be perceptive of all that he might be picking up on. Normal is a relative term. I could be way out of line here (I'm some what new to the idea of applying grace to parenting) but I think there isn't a time when you aren't GBD a child. Because the whole point of it is to be proactively involved in mentoring and raising them. You are a proactive parent in this way, not reactive waiting for them to "mess up"- if you see your son having a struggle, help him with in what ever way you can- and you are taking a great step by reaching out for help!!:heart

My oldest has delays so I'm not sure how focused my opinion might be to my own experience. But I think that I spent a lot of time looking at "is this normal?" when I should have just been approaching individual struggles if that makes sense. I think that approach is best for all child no matter their developmental ability. If they are frustrated or hindered by an inability (to use their words, or calm themselves, self feed, what ever it may be) then it is a good idea to help them find ways to move past that frustration. jmo :)

One other thing that I noticed in this post was your pointing out the difficult-ness of your living arrangement. In my experience, outsiders- because that IS what they are regardless of the temporary arrangement- always have good opinions on how things should go. And they likely mean well. But you are ultimately the one who can decide if your child needs more time or patience within a transition and how to handle that. I have a really hard time myself not attributing behavior my kids display to *something*- sure sometimes they are just blah blah age. But sometimes they are upset that dad is gone or they are in a weird place etc. And I do think older generations have a hard time understanding that the "explaining" you do for your child's behavior isn't a license to never grow up. It is sometimes a valuable tool to reaching them and establishing trust that will ultimately help them in the transition long term far better than a "tough it up" approach might. I know you feel like you have been single parenting (I can totally relate!) but really, you have been aiding your husband and being a team with him by taking on a larger share. Your efforts are valuable and there will be a transition as your roles shift and you re-acclimate to each other after the move. Denying your child's difficulty in that time might only further strain the process of adjusting for him too.

---------- Post added at 05:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:15 PM ----------

Also, is there a MOPS or other outlet you have there to get out and about for a bit? Maybe even a YMCA or something or library story time? I mean how much opportunity do you have to leave the house with your lo? I find that at 28 months, physical output is extremely important for their ability to sleep and regulate outward behavior. Is there any chance his body isn't stimulated enough to adequately rest and calm himself? I know you are tired too! I remember those days (And in ways miss them believe it or not! lol I think that never goes away though ;)) and sometimes just keeping your own self busy can fight fatigue... GL!! I think you will find some great advice here!!

[Johns_Gal]

Rescue Rememdy for both of you, and if he's cutting molars (mine was just really cranky and wild when he cut his) tylenol.

I'm sorry, I'm in a rush and will try to come back later. :hug2

[Kiara.I]

It sounds like you've been doing a great job in a tough, tough, tough situation. :hug

Get outside. As much as possible. It's amazing how much calmer my kids are outside, plus it's a place you don't have to worry about him touch grandma & grandpa's stuff. ;) Plus, he's less likely to nurse when you're at a park, so you can get some rest.

He may also be nursing more because your supply is dropping. Have you noticed that? Are you drinking enough water? Do you have a copy of Adventures in Tandem Nursing yet? Get it! It's got a lot of info about nursing during pregnancy as well, definitely a good investment.

He may also be teething if he doesn't have his 2-yo molars yet.

[mountainash]

Four hours of sleep per night is way, way too little. Could there be allergies at play? When my children are reacting to something, their little brains just can't settle no matter how tired they are. It leads to lots and lots of crankiness and rages.

[bolt.]

Is this normal behavior for a previously well behaved, very happy and delightful little boy going thru such a stressful time of transition?
ABSOLUTELY!!!! Absolutely and completely and totally a normal reaction... not that it makes your circumstances any easier... but... just so you know. Yes! Yes! It's a normal reaction.

Is this constant nursing a demanding of nursing par for the course during a time like this too? How should I be handling this? I usually remind him to ask me in a quiet voice with good manners and he complies about half the time.
I think so. I didn't do a more-than-cutural-average-but-probably-humanly-best nursing strategy... but I think him wanting it is normal.

I think you should remind him about how to ask in really concrete ways, hopefully before he gets worked up. You might even think of offering him to nurse, before he asks -- just to show him that he does not have to 'secure' his own needs, they are 'offered'. You also might (just maybe) want to say 'no' if he's not interested in asking well -- but not if he's really beside himself and not able to ask well... so that can be hard to tell.

Also, since this is a short-term family-emergency situation, I think there is can be a major role for cookies (or other treats) in this short-term situation. If you can't handle yourself and him well with him snack-nursing every 30 minutes, offering frequent and desirable snacks is OK too. Fig newtons are reasonably good (nutrition-wise), and so are some of those toddler-treats, and also some sweetie breakfast cereals that are not 'good' enough to be breakfast food can be more healthy than snack food. You can also homemake cookies or bars -- my kids loved ginger cookies.

Does it sound like he needs gentle discipline for these behaviors, or just more hugs and understanding and nursing? We do have boundaries, our usual ones, which we stick to, but I'm just grasping at straws now.... Anything to make this situation better for him and more bearable for me.
He needs a ton of hugs, understanding and nursing.

He still needs to be prevented from breaking things, hitting people, eating items that could hurt him, etc. -- the basics. Note: I don't mean he needs to be disciplined after doing those things, I mean that you can physically limit, prevent, and redirect him... the way you do a crawling baby. Don't try to work on new skills, unless they are critical for his safety, your sanity, or the basic harmony of the household.

He also needs outdoors, fresh air, sunlight, and gross motor play.

I feel at a total loss, I'm too sleep deprived and my stress level is at the max so I feel completely unable to have any perspective on this. And my spiritual life is the pits at the moment
It's OK. What has happened in your life is like a hurricane. You didn't ask for it, and you're just running on crisis mode. It's OK for a crisis to look like a crisis. All you need to do is count down the days till you get settled in your new home, and make sure nobody dies or comes to feel unloved for that number of days. Is it 14 days? It's OK. Just food, water, shelter, sleep, safety, love, and mamamilk -- those are the only things that matter for those next days. Just breathe through them.

You remember your first 14 days with a newborn -- weren't they a little like this... just food, water, shelter, sleep, safety, love, and mamamilk. Those are the only things that matter.

[FebFaith]

If you are living with family, would they be willing to take him to the park while you took a nap? I think some rest would do you wonders. You have been and are going through such a whirlwind. Sounds to me like you are doing great to hold it all together. :pray4

[klpmommy]

My questions are these:

1. Is this normal behavior for a previously well behaved, very happy and delightful little boy going thru such a stressful time of transition?

2. Is this constant nursing a demanding of nursing par for the course during a time like this too? How should I be handling this? I usually remind him to ask me in a quiet voice with good manners and he complies about half the time.

3. Does it sound like he needs gentle discipline for these behaviors, or just more hugs and understanding and nursing? We do have boundaries, our usual ones, which we stick to, but I'm just grasping at straws now.... Anything to make this situation better for him and more bearable for me.

4. I feel at a total loss, I'm too sleep deprived and my stress level is at the max so I feel completely unable to have any perspective on this. And my spiritual life is the pits at the moment :blush


I numbered them to make it easier for me to respond. :hug

1. YES. Emphatic yes. We moved cross country nearly 2 years ago-- MI to TX-- with approx 4 weeks notice. R was 4 weeks old and barely noticed. S was 21m/o and it was really hard for her. The no-sleep, constant nursing are *very* familiar. :hug Also 2.5 can be a really hard age anyway plus really verbal kids seem to have higher expectations on them irt maturity. A really verbal 2 y/o is *still* a 2 y/o. The verbal skills make some things easier, but it does not make him into a 4 y/o. :no (I've had one off-the-charts verbal 2 y/o and one very verbal 2 y/o and t hen 2 "normal verbal" 2 y/o's. They *all* acted like 2 y/o's. Just two of them could tell you more about it.)

2. Constant nursing is very normal. His world is upsidedown now and he wants to reconnect with you. It's okay to set some gentle boundaries (and understand that if he can't handle them to back off :hug). At 2.5 I found that singing a song to end a nursing session helped. Pick the same song, use it as a "lovey" and when nursing it getting tough, start to sing it, when song is over, he needs to pop off. If he really can't handle it, let him nurse some more or distract him. But nursing is comforting.

I agree with the special treats. R (my 2y/o) can be bribed with a cookie. ;) Or a strawberry. :lol Ice cream works, too, as does a spoonful of nutella. This is not setting up bad habits, but giving you some space to let him feel comforted and to muscle through this hard time.

Also, make sure you are hydrated enough. Pregnancy can dry up your supply which in turn can make him want to nurse *more*. You have been under a ton of stress plus you are in a hotter climate now. Drink! Lots of water. Also, you *might* consider Mother's Milk Two (or is it Too?). It is safe for pregnancy and is supposed to help with your supply. At his age I wouldn't normally suggest it too much, but b/c of the added stresses it may be very helpful.

Rescue Remedy is good. And Walnut is supposed to be good for getting through big changes. (Note: both are 27% alcohol, but the dosage is only 4 drops so even though I abhor all alcohol and don't allow it in my home I am comfortable with those tiny amounts).

3. Yes, yes, yes. All of the above.

Go outside. Do it first thing in the morning before it gets hot (you did say you are in NM now, right?). Let him get big energy out. It will help in so many ways. Be kind to yourself as well.

4. You need to sleep. I speak from experience that lack of sleep will mess with your blood pressure later in pregnancy. If you can, let your family watch him so you can sleep. Lay down and let him watch tv so you can snooze some. Try the RR and walnut and see if that helps him sleep. If he is teething, tylenol & advil to help with the pain. Being outside can help him be more tired and sleep better as well.

:pray4 It will be okay. :hugheart

[ilovewest]

Oh my.... You ladies are so kind I just want to cry! Thank you all so much; I can't tell you how much it helps just to know that this behavior isn't out of the ordinary. I figured as much, but was too sleepy to be sure!

And wouldn't you know it.... Last night he slept pretty well! I even got a 6 hour block of sleep myself and then 2 two hour blocks..... 10 hours altogether! Unheard of! And feels sooooo good! I have been letting my mom take him in the mornings so I can get a bit more sleep, but it hasn't worked out so well since I can hear him crying the entire time.... :( . But this morning was great!

All of your suggestions are super and I will incorporate them today. Also, I went and bought a bunch of toys and art supplies yesterday for him.... My parents don't like any toys in their house, so don't have any at all, so I also think he was bored off his rocker here which wasn't helping. So far today has been much better, and my mom is even letting him ride his new trike down the halls of the house!! Miracle!!!

So again, thank you for your help and reassurance. We will keep on truckin and will be just fine. :heart

[klpmommy]

bored toddler who still nurses = non stop nursing. I'm glad you were able to figure that out.

We lived with my ILs for a month, it was *hard*. I'm glad you got better sleep last night. Praying that it continues. :hug

[Cook]

SO glad to hear this!! <3 The first thing we do when we get to ILs is buy some *new* toys or dig out some stashed old but "new again to them" toys. Really cuts down on boredom, outbursts, and kinda makes the place a lil fun and distracting :) And k u d o s to mom!! That sounds awesome. I'm really excited for the reunion your family will soon have. Believe it or not, this is life too! I try to look at each move as a new part of our life adventure. So glad to hear you are having a better day!

[luvinmama]

Oh my goodness! You've gotten great advice. Sounds totally normal to me. Praying for you all. Since your parents don't like toys in their house, just take them with you when you head to Alaska so they won't have to be "bothered" by them long term. :)

(you probably already thought of this, but just in case, I wanted to point it out) :heart