"Children should be seen and not heard"

[LovinBeingMommy]

I hate the phrase "children should be seen and not heard." Unfortunately, my uncle believes it's absolute truth. His kids are expected to be quiet and respectful 24/7, no slip-ups. Monkey is beyond the "baby stage" as my extended family sees it. He's "old enough" to behave a certain way. We spend a lot of time with my extended family and I'm fairly close to the oldest of my cousins, so avoiding him is out of the question. I need an appropriate response before I see him next time because Monkey is very outgoing and likes to be in the middle of stuff. He doesn't exactly understand interrupting adult conversation at a year old. (I don't expect him to for quite some time yet.)

Should I say something (if so, what)? Ignore it? Remove Monkey from the situation (if it's even possible)? My uncle still mostly sees me as "one of the kids" since he missed a lot of my growing up years. He's quick to correct me as well as anyone else younger than him (including his brother who's only a few years younger and very likely smarter) and even sometimes my mom (his older sister). I don't want a battle with him. I know he's more punitive-minded, even though he can't act on a lot of it since his kids aren't actually his. (it's confusing, their mom died, but before she did, filed stuff so they'd go to him. One slip-up on his part and they go to an aunt that they've only seen once--at the funeral.) He knows nothing of my parenting plans and it's easier that way. This is just a mindset that's really common in my family. My other uncle and aunt will likely just keep their mouths shut, but not this uncle.

[raining_kisses]

Your son is still very much a baby. No one should expect him to act otherwise. :hug It is so hard when family has inappropriate age expectations.

"Monkey is still very much a baby at 1. As his parent I don't feel the need for him to be "seen and not heard". He is a part of this family, and acting exactly how he should."

[cheri]

This. And you need to remind your uncle that you're the parent. And that he doesn't need to treat you as a child.

I've noticed a few of your threads here, and I don't know your whole story. But I think you need some boundaries with your family. And any time you create boundaries, someone won't like it and will probably get upset. So you have to make the choice whether to create the boundary for YOURSELF, even if that makes people upset. Or your other option is to not have boundaries and get upset on the inside because you don't want to create waves. That's you choice. I don't mean this to be blunt or rude. But you can't make people do what you want or even respect your way. You have to decide which is more important to you- to not create waves or to keep your sanity by creating boundaries. :shrug3

[MarynMunchkins]

Your family has seriously unrealistic expectations of children. :hug

I'd be tempted to respond, "If you go away, you won't have to hear OR see them." :shifty

[Llee]

"Good thing you weren't Jesus' guardian then, eh?"
:D
"So, how are your brackets for March Madness going?"

[LovinBeingMommy]

Your son is still very much a baby. No one should expect him to act otherwise. :hug It is so hard when family has inappropriate age expectations.

"Monkey is still very much a baby at 1. As his parent I don't feel the need for him to be "seen and not heard". He is a part of this family, and acting exactly how he should."

This script is perfect! And yes, they often do. Things are slightly better now that I have an insanely active cousin and one with Down Syndrome. Their parents have really loosened the reins and let them be kids. :) This uncle is jumping into parenthood without getting to start at the beginning. The youngest of THREE kids was 3 when he got them. He'd been helping their mom for about a year, but she was really, really sick by that time, so not really able to teach him what to do with them...

"Good thing you weren't Jesus' guardian then, eh?"
:D
"So, how are your brackets for March Madness going?"

I wonder if he's into basketball... I know he's big on football and baseball. I'll bet he's got a team. Now to find out (I'm good at that, even if he won't tell me). ;)

This. And you need to remind your uncle that you're the parent. And that he doesn't need to treat you as a child.

I've noticed a few of your threads here, and I don't know your whole story. But I think you need some boundaries with your family. And any time you create boundaries, someone won't like it and will probably get upset. So you have to make the choice whether to create the boundary for YOURSELF, even if that makes people upset. Or your other option is to not have boundaries and get upset on the inside because you don't want to create waves. That's you choice. I don't mean this to be blunt or rude. But you can't make people do what you want or even respect your way. You have to decide which is more important to you- to not create waves or to keep your sanity by creating boundaries. :shrug3

In this case, boundaries are a major issue. He's disrespectful to everyone, my mom, his mom, his brother... I basically just need something quick to say, then try to think of something to bean dip with. Although, I'm not sure what he'll actually take the bait on. Something he can complain about, most likely.
Boundaries in general have been MUCH better. My mom and I had a talk and I made it very clear who was in charge of what Monkey can and cannot do and she's backing me on it now. She's even making sure my brother does what I've said so I don't have to get into it all the time with him. (Even a simple, "don't spank Monkey" sets him off into a rant about how bossy and mean I am so having my mom say it sometimes too makes a HUGE difference!)

[Johns_Gal]

I'm blunt and would just say "Really? Well, he's not your kid." :shifty

[cheri]

How old is your brother? Why on Earth would he even think that it would be ok to hit your child? And why does he need your mom to tell him not to in order for him to listen?

[LovinBeingMommy]

He's 18, but majorly immature. He assumes that anything I say is simply because he's my brother and I want to make him miserable. He's never around when I'm saying to my parents, "No, do this" so he insists I only "boss" him.

[Kiara.I]

I basically just need something quick to say, then try to think of something to bean dip with.

"Whatever!"

[Waterlogged]

I think, in general, you're going to have set very clear, FIRM boundaries with your family. It doesn't help that you still live at home IIRC. Even though I'm 31 and have been out of the house for 10+ years now, my mom still wants to treat me like a kid. It's hard to set boundaries and "live into" my adult-ness. I encourage you to find your voice and assert your adulthood. It will create conflict. But for the sake of Monkey, I think it's important.

[LovinBeingMommy]

My parents seem to finally be getting it to some degree. As time goes by, they do better. I've made my mom really mad a few times, but then she sees that I was fine and totally able to handle whatever it was and realizes she was wrong. Once I say "I'm doing __" and ignore the protests, that area isn't an issue again. My brother will always be who he is. I doubt he'll ever have any respect for me. He doesn't really respect anyone. I mean, if my mom doesn't make his lunch, he lets her know just how lazy she really is. :banghead I've been making my own lunch every day and cooking a lot of family suppers for years. I think he could handle heating up a can of tomato soup. I basically just try to stay out of his way. He works nearly full time so he's gone most of the time that Monkey and I are awake. If he's not at work, he's holed up in his room watching tv. (It does not help my situation in the least that, although they won't admit it, my parents definitely subscribe to the WOS way of thinking. We women do all the work, but have no say around the house. Basically, we're slaves. My mom justifies it as "your dad works all day to pay the bills, he doesn't need to work when he gets home." Except, does it really hurt him--or my brother--to throw their clothes in the washer if they need them first thing tomorrow? They just sit on their butts and boss us when they're not working.)

[everybody's mother]

I have had a very hard time learning to set boundaries, so mine often lack, um, tact....

I go with a sharp "Sorry, *my* kid." combined with a *please make my day* look. I only use that for those who are seriously overstepping, rude or persistant about trashing my boundaries. It's nasty, but it works.

edited for language :doh

[LovinBeingMommy]

I have had a very hard time learning to set boundaries, so mine often lack, um, tact....

I go with a sharp "Sorry, *my* kid. ." combined with a *please make my day* look. I only use that for those who are seriously overstepping, rude or persistant about trashing my boundaries. It's nasty, but it works.

That tends to be my way of dealing with stuff, too. Not always the best... Talk about a way to make someone angry. People who know me (like my family) know it's just how I am, though. That helps. :) I am completely tactless in 99% of my doings. I try, but usually, I still don't get it right. I've actually said to people "Who's kid is he? Oh yeah, MINE! Lay off!"

[Annainprogress]

I'm glad there's been progress with your mum :heart (and I pity anyone who marries your brother :shifty)

[raining_kisses]

That sounds so rough! My mom lives with us, and while it normally works GREAT for us, sometimes she over steps her bounderies and I have to remind her,

"Mom, you got your chance. This is my social experiment, and I get to make the choices." :shifty

[Beth1231]

I think said uncle would get this look :hunh combined with "Is this the 1900's or something? Children nowadays (especially babies) are generally an active part of families and their thoughts and feelings are respected and valued as much as any adult to the best of my ability. Back off, your expectations are completely unreasonable and tbh, self-centered."

Sounds like you are really going to have to lay some firm boundaries. And if you have any questions or frustrations....you probably want to avoid asking boundariless family members for any kind of sympathy or advice. That has got to be hard, I'm sorry . :hugheart

[bolt.]

I want you to know you are doing really well.

Your uncle owns his own mouth, and he can say what he wants with it. He can say stupid things, and he can say foul things, and he can say he wishes kids were being raised differently.

Nothing he says (or expects) has to matter to you.

Imagine this: say, for the sake of being rediculous, that he has always thought that all children should wear yellow clothing, only yellow clothing, and never anything that isn't yellow, until they turn 18. Pretend he wanted to talk to you about your non-yellow clothing choices everytime he saw Monkey 'not suitably dressed for his age'. He wants to give you long lectures, and dirty looks, and snippy comments.

If you can get that firmly in your mind, ask yourself, "How would I actually respond to a person with ideas that are that rediculous and illogical, if they kept pressing them on me?" -- Then modify your thoughts about defending multi-colour clothes into sentences to say about defending childhood freedoms and age appropreate behaviour.

[LovinBeingMommy]

I'm glad there's been progress with your mum :heart (and I pity anyone who marries your brother :shifty)

I do too... :shifty At this rate, I doubt he'll get married (unless he thinks a wife will take the position of mother) and he definitely won't want anything to do with raising kids. (Of course, my dad never changed a diaper or gave a bottle either.......)

I want you to know you are doing really well.

Your uncle owns his own mouth, and he can say what he wants with it. He can say stupid things, and he can say foul things, and he can say he wishes kids were being raised differently.

Nothing he says (or expects) has to matter to you.

Imagine this: say, for the sake of being rediculous, that he has always thought that all children should wear yellow clothing, only yellow clothing, and never anything that isn't yellow, until they turn 18. Pretend he wanted to talk to you about your non-yellow clothing choices everytime he saw Monkey 'not suitably dressed for his age'. He wants to give you long lectures, and dirty looks, and snippy comments.

If you can get that firmly in your mind, ask yourself, "How would I actually respond to a person with ideas that are that rediculous and illogical, if they kept pressing them on me?" -- Then modify your thoughts about defending multi-colour clothes into sentences to say about defending childhood freedoms and age appropreate behaviour.

That's a really good idea. :) Thanks!