What does discipline look like in your home?

[craftyblah]

I was raised in a spanking/yelling/critical home. My mom swore by Dobson and until a couple years ago, I had no idea his practices were flawed. :(

In the last year, I've been really experiencing grace in love. At church, with God and just in general.

This has caused me to completely re-evaluate my parenting.

As much as I believed in spanking and the proper use of it as a tool, I've had to admit that the times I spank are when I'm frustrating/mad/want to get a reaction from my sweet boy.

I've noticed that when I treat him gently &/or look at the whole child, not just the offense, he reacts much better.

As much as I want a well behaved child, I'd much rather capture his heart for Jesus and have a great relationship with him. (ETA: by well behaved, I'm meaning the way my parents raised me. First time obedience and the like.)

So, I'm just wondering... what does discipline look like in your home?

[mum2abby]

I don't believe in spanking....doesn't mean I haven't thought about it but we don't do it here.

I try to say in a loving and calm way that we shouldn't do something...depending.what it is there may or may not.be consequences....today was bad...they lost free swim at pool, going for a walk, the park after dinner, icecream and tv. We stood by it all so hopefully they realize we are serious...everyone has their bad days....my kids are usually awesome.

[Katigre]

Discipline in our home looks like a lot of coaching and teaching out children what to do and how to relate to others with respect and kindness.

[CapeTownMommy]

Discipline in our home looks like a lot of coaching and teaching out children what to do and how to relate to others with respect and kindness.
:yes

Have you read the sticky with the recommended books? You'll get a LOT of information there. You'll find it here. (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=210121)

[Cook]

I started the positive parenting direction last year. It's been a slow process and only just recently when I discovered the biblical relevance of it, did it really start to "click" for me.
I'm still learning! (OH so still learning :)) but I can tell you what it looks like from where I'm at. First- Your attention is all that child wants and thrives on in this world!! Your hugs, kisses, high fives- your words make or break them. And they will do anything to get that- bad or good. It takes a bit- sometimes it takes a bit for the child to swap modes too- but it is definitely an adjustment for me to stop waiting for undesired behavior to interact but to literally be so proactive that I'm trying to catch them being good ALL the time. Sometimes an organized way of doing this helps mom and kids make the adjustment or even keep up with it- maybe a smiley face chart or something (never take the rewards away! only add to) that helps them see the fruit of their efforts. Eventually, just like they do with bad behavior, they will be working to be caught doing good. And better yet, you aren't just instilling a desire to avoid consequences, you are literally building the ability to have the warm and fuzzies over doing the right thing in life.

When it goes south- I have anger issues. I read on aolff and have already used multiple times "I'm feeling frustrated, I will be back when I'm sure I can be safe around you" - This is AWESOME because it teaches them that it is okay to have emotions (something we can't spank them into not having) but that we must be in control of our bodies and how we react to it. My friend ProudHooahWife sent me the aolff info just a few days but the way they worded it was so perfect for our situation! *Thanks to her!!*

I offer lots of controlled choices. Do you want a sandwich or salad for dinner? Which cup do you like? How many minutes do you think you will play so we can let your brother have a turn? AND I offer other set in stone boundaries like for us simple rules on what I do like to see- We use nice words, We use nice touch. And a mostly consistent routine for bed and other daily events. Imagine if you didn't know what was going to happen 2 hours from now... Yikes! A schedule helps kids know what's coming next and helps with transitions. Some might feel like I'm coddling, I've been told that. But for me with 3 so young it is worth the effort to make an environment that sets them up for success.

I guess discipline here looks more like structure. And then if there is a situation where I think someone is going to get hurt or can't control themselves, I remove them to a place where they can regain control- checking on them and coaching them (we "blow bubbles" when upset) to get through it.

---------- Post added at 12:15 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:04 AM ----------

Wait that might not have been arms of love family fellowship. Now all my blog reading and research is getting jumbled :) But I'm really glad I found that phrase. I always love to have a mantra or script for when my emotions start to get the best of me. I took anger management classes through military counseling when my husband got home from Iraq. That was one of the best things I've ever done. (Ranks right up there with breast reduction surgery!!) They teach you how to identify anger and keep it from letting it rob you of joy. You learn to catch thought patterns like "Why me??" and make humor out of them- you make yourself imagine the literalness of you being robed in gold and deserving of no adversity ever. Or when you find yourself thinking "This kid ALWAYS pees on the floor" you catch the "always" and make yourself imagine the kid literally not stopping as they pee on everything in sight. It helps you put upsets in perspective. Then you learn to say "It is understandable that I'm frustrated by this, but getting angry isn't going to make it any easier" and from there life is SO much better.
Just in case any of those tactics help others!! :)

[ProudHooahWife]

Discipline in my home is still a work in progress. I started learning about positive discipline about a year and a half ago when I was sure my oldest was on the spectrum but not diagnosed yet. I was looking for anything to help me so I discovered ABA and through ABA I learned about catching them when they are good. I have always complimented my kids BUT this was so different. There were days when my son was at his worst I would say I cannot find a THING to praise him about right now and the ABA therapist would say FIND SOMETHING...anything. It can be oh look you went to the bathroom, that is great! Oh look your drinking your drink so nicely. She told me that I needed to try and give him at least 5-10 praises a day. So I started doing that and WOW it made a HUGE HUGE HUGE difference, along with everything else we were doing. I learned that Phil 4:8 was a go to verse. Find the one lovely thing they are doing and praise them. So I read Lathams book Positive Parenting, actually my hubby and I both did when he was home on R&R and then Christlike Parenting and I was like WOW I still have so much work to do but I am going to do this!

We try to catch the kids being good alot and some things I have learned to ignore. It doesn't mean my kids rule the roost because they don't lol it just means there are times it really is ok to walk away. We do a lot of natural and logical consequences. BUT because my oldest also has ADHD and ODD I have to have a LOT of tricks in my bag. If they are fighting over a toy or it is being thrown and redirection or going and speaking with them doesn't work I have told them I will have to take the toy until they can play safely. I am still really really learning. It is an ongoing process for me as I was raised with spare the rod and spoil the child. I try to offer safe choices like would you like peas or carrots. I ask the kids occasionally what they would like me to fix for dinner. I have got their suggestions for groceries. I use a lot of when you do this.....then you can do that. Choices cut down on power struggles. I also will ask would you like to clean your room first or pick up the toys in the living room. I have also timed my child who tends to want to waste time doing the chores quickly and correctly and then wasting time to show how much more free time he gave up :). It was a really good lesson for him without yelling or screaming.

[Cook]

I LOVE "When... Then.."!! When I see that you are sitting quietly, then I you can have the cup. When you are calm, then we can talk about this. ohhhhh that phrase is so powerful. And it sets them up for success :)

[DavidKelleyMay18]

Thanks for this thread. :popcorn

[jandjmommy]

We took spanking off the table. That left us open to discovering the power of thinking of discipline as teaching as opposed to punishment.

[craftyblah]

Thank you so much ladies!

I appreciate your input, advice and suggestions.

[Amyables]

Discipline in our house starts with compassion (at least it does with me). Empathy for my daughter's needs makes it so much easier to fulfill those needs before "misbehavior" erupts. When there are behavior issues, like hitting, or yelling, or sharing struggles, or not listening, etc, it's a learning experience, not a reason for punishment. I parent non-punitively. No time outs, no spanking, as little "no" and yelling as possible. Limits and family rules are big in our house, as are descriptive language to counter usual toddler behaviors (i.e. "hands are not for hitting" , "we don't hit. Hitting hurts", "We need to use our words so others can understand", etc etc)

When you parent your child with compassion and respect, you can truly guide as our Good Shepherd guides US, and your children will be disciples of your actions and behaviors. Oh, I forgot to say how important modeling is in our house!

Oh geez, you'd better just click on the link to my blog and read all my gentle discipline posts if you want the whole description . . . because my 8 months pregnant brain is not letting me get it all out very eloquently! :)

[Can'tTurnLeft]

oooo Kelly I know you :) PMing you ;)

[DoulaClara]

In my house, it looks BUSY! :phew With a 3.5 year old and an almost 1 year old, I am in constant motion unless I am nursing (and even then, nursing an 11 month old sometimes looks like crazy kung fu). Re-directing to a more appropriate behavior for the little guy, hooking up the toddler with an activity that she enjoys, re-directing the little guy again, talking the toddler through a frustration, re-directing the little guy again... at this stage, it's very hands-on, very "GOYB" (take a look at the stickied threads to see what this is!), very repetative. Modeling out the wazoo. Again and again and again. And trying different approaches, and re-evaluating what works and doesn't work, and telling myself that five years from now, it will look different... and five years from that, it will look different again... :heart

[Eowyn]

Lots and lots of coaching and teaching, and in our house, talking, but we're big-time talkers (I'm still surprised we're not Italian :giggle). ;)

I feel like we do a good job coming alongside our kids and helping them learn to be people. :heart

Most moments are teachable moments for our kids, regardless of whether we're aware of it. We take them as we recognize them, and sometimes that means knowing when a child is too far gone (hungry or tired) to learn anything valuable.

A good friend of mine, after a playdate where all of ours were exhausted, looked around the room at the clean up to do and said, "Is there a life lesson to be learned in cleaning up or can we just do it ourselves? :shifty"

I found that question to be incredibly valuable in helping me gauge a situation. :yes Discipline is just part of our day. We deal as opportunities come up.