s/o - happiness is the only acceptable emotion

[everydaygrace]

i am struggling with this concept. i was definitely taught this in my household. when i was and i had a bad attitude, she would say, "attitude check!" and i was supposed to say, "i feel great!" i wish you could hear the tone, because it was a cutesy, fun, chanty sort of way that she said it, not mean at all.

and in some ways i really appreciate that atmosphere, because my mom is the most joyful person i know. they have had a lot of hard stuff happen to them in life, and she has almost always chosen joy. that was a key phrase in our house too, "you can choose to be happy." when we had bad attitudes, she would let us know that you don't have control over other people, you only have control over yourself. and that you can choose to be at peace with your circumstances. if you are upset, you are only hurting yourself.

i think there are a lot of truths (almost-truths) in there that are important for children to learn. that outlook has helped me a lot as an adult. i know there are cases where it isn't true, but exceptions aside, its a good way to see things, i think.

HOWEVER...i don't want my children to be chastised for feeling angry, sad, or whatever. i want to teach them that there is a balance in life.

i have more to say :grin, but i need to put the boy down for his nap.

so, what are your thoughts?

[WingsOfTheMorning]

I think there's a difference in accepting an emotion, working through it, and then choosing to change my mind vs. stuffing away my anger and pasting on a happy face.

Not that I try to explain all that to my toddler though. :)

So I help her name her emotions (both happy and sad). When she's upset, I don't expect an instant switch to a happy face just b/c I say so. I do ask her "What might help you feel better?" and the answer is usually nursing, her special blanket, or snuggles. I tell her it's okay to cry, but I also tell her I can help her better if she uses words.

I'm curious to hear more discussion on this too. :)

[AngelaVA]

I do think that teaching a child to have a good attitude is important. I don't think such teaching belongs in the baby and toddler years because at those ages everything is external and they dont' really have much of an inner dialogue with themselves or an understanding of what they are thinking. I think it probably starts around age 4 or so depending on the child of course. I try to teach a good attitude by reminding my DD of positive things, things to be thankful for ect. We also are starting to talk about how some things are not our favorite things to do but we do it anyway because it's part of life and have a good attitude makes it go better.

The problem with only happiness being acceptable is that we don't always feel happy and so you are teaching a child to stuff their emotions and not giving them the chance to learn how to deal with them properly. Also, if this is very entrenched you could inadvertently make a child feel that they are not an acceptable person if they are often unhappy.

[3boysforme]

Well I grew up with a "joyful" happiness is the only acceptable emotion kind of mom. Who would stuff and stuff until she emotionally vomitted everywhere, usually in the form of ranting and raving for hours on end.

So, I believe it is very important to feel and experience our emotions in a healthy manner.

It is not healthy to prentend you are happy when you are not, and it is not healthy to use your feelings and emotions as crutches or as ways to manipulate people. Just like with everything else, you must find a healthy balance.

[Housekat]

:popcorn

[MidnightCafe]

I think this is a both/and kind of issue. Happy is not the only acceptable emotion, AND we have the ability, many times, to choose whether we're going to be happy or not.

It's hard for kids to get this until they're a little older. Mane is 8, and she's getting to a place where the light bulbs really turn on when I say, "You know, you can choose to make the most of this situation. You can choose to be unhappy and frustrated, or you can decide to do the best you can do and have the best kind of time you can have."

On the other hand, it's completely acceptable to be sad or angry or tired or frustrated, etc... There are circumstance where this makes more or less sense. I mean, it's understandable to be frustrated when someone grabs something out of your hands. It's understandable to be sad when you can't go somewhere because of a snowstorm. It makes sense to be angry when someone makes fun of you. It's good to validate our children's emotions, especially in these situations. AND, I think it's good to help them find a way out...a way to not get buried in the negative. It's good to ask, "How can we make this better? How can we turn this around? How can we make the most of this?"

Sometimes, too, I think kids really do need an "attitude check" (and adults, too ;)) when they're just grumpy and negative or sarcastic or rude or whatever. It can help if you have some method for doing that (an attitude check, I mean), which doesn't leave anyone feeling shamed or unheard. Sounds like your mom had a way of doing that, which didn't bother you. It didn't make you feel guilty and unheard. Other families might have code words, silly sayings, happy dances, or other ways of taking a time-out and re-calibrating.

[Kiara.I]

I think a lot of it has to do with personality. Straight, inborn, God-given personality. Some people always look on the bright side, no matter what. Others *really* struggle with that.

Yes, we can choose joy. But joy is NOT the same as happiness. Take Jesus as your model, for example. I don't expect he was *happy* in the Garden of Gethsemane. You could argue he was joyful, but NOT happy. :no

I actually think that learning other emotions is a critical part of being joyful. First you need to learn feelings. You need to experience them, and then learn that God is there in them *with* you. From *that* comes joy.

The Psalms are great examples of this. Depression, anger, happiness--it all shows up. And it all gets handed over to the Lord.

[bec28]

:cup

[WanderingJuniper]

Around here the emphasis is not on how you feel but how you treat those around you while feeling the way you do whatever that may be. I know I'm not always happy but I do try to treat everyone kindly while I'm frustrated.

We do give a "check you attitude" but it doesn't mean "get happy" it means "check how your treating us and adjust accordingly."

My kids are allowed to be angry, sad, mad, frustrated, moody, brooding, jealous or whatever negative feeling there may be. They are not allowed to punish us through their feelings.

[gpsings]

We just had a family meeting on Saturday about things we are all going to work on. One of those things is definitely attitude.
It's ok for my kids to be disappointed, sad, have a bad day, not be 'happy'....but I don't have to listen to grumbling, complaining, snapping at/ disrespecting others or ignoring people.
They are allowed to retreat until they feel better, and we are working on some coping skills....but they are not allowed to 'stew' in it and spread the grief.
I'm totally just starting this journey, so I hope someone will come in and correct me if I'm wrong.

[Karen]

I am one of the most joyful people you will meet. I naturally look on the bright side and I choose joy each day. However, has Kiara said, joy is not happiness. I choose to find joy while watching my brother die slowly from cancer. I was joyful to spend time with him. I was joyful I had the opportunity to share with him. I was not happy. Life is full of a mutitude of emotions and they all have a purpose. I teach my children how to respectfully express their emotions no matter how negative. I do not have the right to tell how they feel. That is icky to me.

[SouthPaw]

I have had a little trouble figuring this out and I have a sort of compromise. It is very situation dependent but generally speaking my kids don't have to be happy but they do need to be polite. I haven't talked a super lot about joy to them since they are so little, but I think that is something to integrate slowly by example not to expect from them.

[Beauty4Ashes]

subbing

[Tasmanian Saint]

:popcorn

[cbmk4]

subbing.

[MarynMunchkins]

The standard phrase around here is "You may unhappy, but you may not be unkind."

People feel what they feel. :shrug As long as you're treating people well, that's fine. If you're not, I assume you need help to feel better and I do what I can to help. :)

[Thankfulforgrace]

Around here the emphasis is not on how you feel but how you treat those around you while feeling the way you do whatever that may be. I know I'm not always happy but I do try to treat everyone kindly while I'm frustrated.

We do give a "check you attitude" but it doesn't mean "get happy" it means "check how your treating us and adjust accordingly."

My kids are allowed to be angry, sad, mad, frustrated, moody, brooding, jealous or whatever negative feeling there may be. They are not allowed to punish us through their feelings.

This. It's the taking it out on others, acting unkind that I want to work with my child on. I actually had the opposite experience than others, I was allowed to feel whatever and take it out on everyone. Also not healthy, hard to change the habit, and not good for my relationships.

[ProudHooahWife]

I try to teach my kids to do things as unto the Lord I think that prepping them helps for instance if they are watching a TV show and chores need done, I can say would you rather do your chores now and then come back and watch TV or would you like to finish this show first. It gives them a choice so they feel empowered and also gives their mind time to transition. When at times I am met with resistance still because lets say "their favorite show is coming up next and they didn't know" lol I will say well you picked to wait and do your chores after XYZ show so when you finish them THEN you can do your can come back and watch another show or I may introduce another activity and give that as an option such as playing a game etc. If they still have a bad attitude I will probably pick a devotion that has something to do with doing chores as unto the Lord, giving God your best....teaching and training it takes a lot of time BUT my 7 year old is my oldest and I can see where doing this the last year and a half IS paying off. WHen he does throw a fit now it is much shorter may a min or 2. When he does have a bad attitude I can say how does Jesus want us to do our work and he can tell me and then I will do something to make him laugh and he is much better. So the seeds are being planted and they do grow!

I tell my kids all the time that it is ok to be angry, sad, scared etc but it is how we handle those emotions that is important. I don't get upset with them for saying mommy that makes me mad. I do read scriptures about how to handle their anger, being scared etc. I will pray with them too and this helps. This has been a hard thing for me to do too it is one thing to pray without ceasing to the Lord yourself but to teach your kids to do it we must pray with them, ALOT. However I remember one time when my oldest was raging ( he has aspergers and would rage in the past) he does not rage anymore Praise the Lord but he did and I started reading scripture right over him and praying. The Lord stop that rage right in the middle!

I don't know if this was helpful or not, just some things that we have done here:)

[Annainprogress]

:popcorn

[Sparrow]

I actually think that learning other emotions is a critical part of being joyful. First you need to learn feelings. You need to experience them, and then learn that God is there in them *with* you. From *that* comes joy.



This stands out to me, especially the bolded part.

DH grew up in a household where happiness was the only acceptable emotion. They were not "allowed" to be angry. I have a DH that cannot cope with anger. He is sickly off the charts. He cannot handle stress. He can't handle any negative emotion.

I also think that even though kids need an attitude check if the negative attitude is what they are feeling, then that is what they are feeling. My parents always said "do it, and do it with a happy heart." Pasting a smile on my face and pretending to be happy when I was angry didn't do anyone good. It caused me to seethe. It caused me to sin in my anger.

The best I can do, with the aftermath that I am left with is to teach my kids that all emotions are healthy - its what we do with them that can be unhealthy.

Angry? That's OK, just respect others and property when you are angry.

and FWIW, MIL who is a happiness at all costs, is also just one of those people who are almost always happy, and the crud in life rolls off her back. That's great, it's just not great to make everyone else be the same.

:hug