Expressing emotions or 'holding hostage?'

[CrazyChick]

I was just wondering if someone could clarify the distinction between these two for me. I've read a lot about not supressing a childs emotions, emotions arent bad behaviour, a child should be allowed to express their anger and frustration etc - i get that. But then also i have heard expressions such as 'i will not allow him/her to hold us hostage to his/her emotions' and i wondered when expressing emotions turned into 'holding others hostage' to those emotions?

[WingsOfTheMorning]

:cup

I don't have an answer, but I'm curious to hear what the others say. :)

[EnglishRose]

i haven't heard those phrases but can i share something that's going on with us at the moment...

DD is 4. Sometimes she has a 'fake' cry, so for example, yesterday i was on the phone (for 2 minutes, really important phone call) and because i wouldn't answer her question (i hand signaled 1 minute i'm on the phone) she started her big pretend cry. It was super loud and stopped me from hearing on the phone. When i hung up she stopped immediately. Perhaps that is an example of what you are talking about? I'm not sure? It was really tricky to deal with, i don't want her to think she can't express her emotions but the amount of noise she made was unacceptable and it was clearly with the aim of disturbing me. Yes she was frustrated but it does not mean that she can use her frustration to purposely interrupt me .:no

[Rabbit]

I don't tell my children how to feel. In Christian circles particularly, you can find a "happy is the only acceptable emotion" philosophy, and it is incredibly destructive. So if my kid is sad, he's sad.

He may not, however, use his sad as a weapon, terrorizing the rest of the family with his howls. If he needs to scream and thrash, he has a bed to do that, and may do so there to his heart's content, and I will never hold that against him. When he would like non-screaming hugs, I'm here.

[NewCovenantMama]

I also think it depends on the child's age. A 4yo who frequently melts down is probably just handling Big Feelings in an age-expected (tho' not necessarily "appropriate") way. A 14yo who frequently melts down has a problem!

[sarahbeth]

:cup

My son is a big crier and I wonder about this, too. I used to have the "happy is the only acceptable emotion mindset", but now I try to realize he needs to express himself, that's how he does it, and I have to accept it.

However, there are times that it does hold us hostage... he is just standing there crying when everyone is ready to leave or me having to stop and help him through it when DD is waiting for me to do something with her. Those are the times I get confused as to what to do. If we're just at home hanging out and it's disturbing us then I can just tell him to go to his room until he is done. But, I can't always do that.