back talk and verbal abuse

[gpsings]

My 7 year old has a very strong personality, and tends to argue, smart off and can be verbally abusive to me. I really haven't known how to address it, since she has a quick temper and is usually 'over it' within minutes. She'll always come back and apologize and is usually such a sweetie, I can't 'ground' her or give her a longer consequence, but I haven't been doing anything and I need to teach her that it's not ok to speak to people like that, even if you are angry.
Ideas?

[ThreeKids]

Try to anticipate when an outburst is likely and point out this is a chance to try out a great new habit of responding appropriately to frustration. Responding appropriately or learning to not respond at all until gaining some composure can become just as much of a habit as lashing out.

It sounds like you two are on the same side as far as her not wanting to have abusive outbursts so it can be approached as habit replacement. Talk about the scripts she'll be hearing from you before the moment to use them comes so she can have a better chance of understanding what you're saying in the moment.

[gpsings]

I will see how that will work. I might need some incentive to give her a desire to change the behavior, but maybe not. Maybe she'll actually be motivated enough by her desire not to damage relationships. :)

[L-Boogie]

Have you read this?
Hope it helps :hug

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=398198

[bolt.]

You might try 'playing re-play' after an incident -- going through and acting out what was happening, who felt what, who said what -- and at what point a different choice could have been made, and what that different choice (the good plan) might have been.

(1) It helps educate her about what she could choose instead of 'being angry enough to forget kindness', (2) It affirms that is indeed possible to make other choices that 'remember kindness' -- even when angry, (3) it helps to restore the relationship by sort-of undoing the mistake, and (4) It provides a mild dis-incentive -- because it takes time and is a thing that she has to do every time she forgets kindness because of her anger.

It's important that you stop ignoring this behaviour and allowing her to 'honeymoon' you after her unkind/abusive outbursts. She may be genuinely sorry, but 'sorry' is not all it takes to repent from a sin against another person (not that she is sinning at her age, just that it is a way to teach about sin and repentance appropreately)... repentance involves being willing and determined to learn the skills in order to put the behaviour out of your life for good.

... So it's time to set up a framework for 'working to make myself stop doing this' as well as offering true and unconditional forgiveness and restoration. It's not OK for her to treat people that way, even when she is angry -- and it's not right for you to let her go on thinking that a genuine apology is all it takes to make a pattern of unkindness OK in a relationship.