What is wrong with me?

[Earthmummy07]

I have spanked Toby twice in two days and I don't really understand why and I hate myself for it. It's for things that seem so stupid afterwards, but really rile me up at the time. :cry

Today it was because he put his hand over the power button on my laptop. I had loads of windows up of threads I wanted to read from yesterday. I had intentionally left my laptop on hibernate rather than turning it off last night so I could come back to them this morning. I had just pulled the laptop out of hiberation, and he walked straight up to me and turned it off. I was absolutley fuming because until someone else posts in the threads and pulls them back onto the 'new posts' list, I have to try to remember which forum they were on and go search for them. I can't even remember what they were, only that they were things I REALLY wanted to read. And now they're gone, and I don't have the time to search for them again. That got me mad. It feels like he took away the one thing I have for myself. Which seems silly looking back, but that's what it felt like at the time. Then he lied to me about it. I get stupidly angry inside when he lies. I have always tried so hard to be gentle and accepting when he tells me the truth, I dont see why he HAS to lie. My mom used to punish me if I told her the truth about things I shouldnt have done and I swore that my child was never going to have the need to lie to me. When he does it makes me feel like I've failed. So when he put his hand over the power button to stop me turning it back on I just snapped.

Yesterday it was because he was being too noisy. It was daddy's first day back at work, Toby wanted to get up and wave him off. It was very early, MIL, FIL, DH's niece and her boyfriend were all still asleep. And he would NOT talk quietly. He was being very difficult, yelling at me because he wanted me to use a huge mug (comedy size) to make DH's morning cup of tea when DH barely had time to drink a normal size one. Then refusing to put the teabag in (his usual thing to help) still yelling, then yelling more because I did it. Then yelling about something to do with the sugar. Then having a full scale melt down because I picked up the dairy milk to pour it in (he's scared of dairy milk because it makes him so poorly so he gets scared if I so much as touch it). He would not be quiet and I just felt so out of control and powerless. Not excuse I know, but I did't know what else to do and I didnt even think about it. It was like a reflex. Anything to make him be quiet. I couldnt take him back upstairs because DHs niece was up there asleep, MIL and FIL sleep downstairs, and I just couldn't cope that early in the morning because the CFS affects my ability to process things just after waking.

The thing that scares me the most is that I'm not actually deciding to spank him. It's like a reflex and I just lash out. I know I need to do something about it, and I don't know what.

I'm debating whether or not to post this because I'm so ashamed of myself. If I do, I'll probably take it down in a bit :(

[Annainprogress]

:hug2 I get cross when one of the kids touches my phone when I'm looking at something and either backs it up or opens something else such that I have to close that then click internet again and it didn't always come back to where it was. I usually shout then :( and on Friday I got really cross with DD & was shouting at her (in her face pretty much) after she'd had an accident - not so much the accident itself but the timing and she wasn't cooperating with getting redressed to go get DS quite as quickly as I wanted, her lip quivered and she said "mummy you not meant shout at me" and I felt so awful

(and I've been known to tell the kids mummy needs coffee to help me be nice...)

It is really really hard not to auto-revert back to what you learned about parenting in your FOO during times of stress. I often catch myself thinking negatively and it is a fight not to think "you need to learn not to do that" accompanied by mentally shouting at/hitting.

I don't have the added pressure of living with family, when people are staying I try to keep the kids quiet & not take them too close to where people are sleeping as long as I can but I do tend to think they can't expect never to be disturbed when young kids are around.

Please forgive yourself. Apologise (if you haven't already) and then try to forget it. Dwelling on it won't improve your mood and IME when I dwell on shouting etc then I'm actually more likely to repeat it than when I consciously push it away and start over. :hug

[Mommainrwanda]

:hugheart

I'm so sorry you're feeling down. Don't let yourself feel shame for what you've done. It's forgiven.

[MarynMunchkins]

:hug2 When I get rage-y like that, it's almost always because I need more sleep, need more exercise, and need alone time. What are the chance you could take an afternoon off?

[klpmommy]

Am I understanding that your dh just went back to work and that you are living with your ILs? How long have you been with your ILs? It sounds like a stressful situation all around. Stress does not make for the best parenting moments. :hugheart

Don't think about him as lying. He is too young to lie.
from our own Crystal: http://aolff.org/?s=words+are+magic

Also, it is a good time to start practicing taking a deep breath and pausing before doing anything. It is a good lesson for our kids and for us. Unless it is a true emergency, anything can be paused for a few moments while we gather our wits and think about what we are going to do.

And Mary is right, add in getting outside in some sun to the list as well. :hug

[Earthmummy07]

Am I understanding that your dh just went back to work and that you are living with your ILs? How long have you been with your ILs? It sounds like a stressful situation all around. Stress does not make for the best parenting moments. :hugheart

Don't think about him as lying. He is too young to lie.
from our own Crystal: http://aolff.org/?s=words+are+magic

Also, it is a good time to start practicing taking a deep breath and pausing before doing anything. It is a good lesson for our kids and for us. Unless it is a true emergency, anything can be paused for a few moments while we gather our wits and think about what we are going to do.

And Mary is right, add in getting outside in some sun to the list as well. :hug

Yep, DH went back to work yesterday. He had 2weeks off over christmas then went back to work - he hurt his hand on his second day back and has been off ever since (about a month)

We've been living with his parents since we got married (3 months 2weeks) and it's a permanent arrangement. Until we moved in with DH we were living my my FOO so it's not really new to have to let other people sleep. I just worry more about him disturbing the inlaws - not because they've said anything, I really dont think they mind but theyv been so good to us I feel bad when he wakes them up

I try to get us outside everyday but it's rained for 3days solid and as much as I dont mind playing in the rain I have to use an electric mobility scooter that I can't risk shorting out as we have no money to fix it :( He spent last night at my moms, so I should be well rested.

Think I just need a kick up the butt :sigh

Thanks everyone :heart

[bec28]

This is just a thought about the computer thing...could you check your history for the pages he closed? That way you won't feel like he lost them on you. DS does that to me a lot and I know how annoying it is when you're trying to read something. :hug2

[NewLeaf]

:hug I've had similar experiences and it can be very scary to feel out of control.

Like Mary said there are often triggers and there is definitely always an underlying cause.

For me I've learned to use a lot of self talk and when I'm feeling super overwhelmed I flat out 'run'. I tell the kids I need a minute and literally get away from them no matter what is going on. If you give yourself a few minutes away from the intensity of the moment the impulse is often gone and if not, it's at least under control.

I know my triggers are lack of sleep, over stimulation and pain (I have chronic back pain). Feeling ragey is magnified if I'm in a parenting situation where I'm not sure how to handle it or I'm stuck where I can't handle it in the best way.

It doesn't go away on it's own. It's taken work and purpose to better handle those feelings and I've been able to stop myself from lashing out though I do still sometimes end up yelling (I'm still working on that!).

Self talk helps me a lot. I came up with a mantra that I would repeat when I was overwhelmed with transitioning to 3 kids and it got me through those huge feelings. Naming your feelings out loud can be a huge help too.

:hug

[arwen_tiw]

Sweetie, I wish I knew what to suggest right now. When my first reflexive response is to scream or lash out, I usually have to go shut myself in the kitchen until I can breathe again. Easy for me with my child-proof house and nobody to bother about the noise!

I just wanted to affirm what everyone has already said - parenting alone after a while of lots of back-up and support is such a hard transition time. And you are working at breaking the patterns of your own childhood, that does take time and it is hard.

Is there anything I can do? If I was closer I'd come over right now. :hugheart

Phone me if you need to. I freaked the girls out this morning by shutting myself in the hall and crying over a complete nothing (Rowan poured my drink onto the sofa when I foolishly left it unattended). I can't imagine that feeling plus feeling trapped in the house. :(

Grace is for mamas too :heart so please please forgive yourself, reconnect with your beautiful boy, and figure out an emergancy plan for the next disaster if you can. xxx

[ArmsOfLove]

are you about to start your period? I find that I am cranky and short tempered during the few days before my cycle. I have to intentionally set myself up for success.

how intentionally are you approaching time with him and connecting with him?

[Calee]

I'm having some struggles with keeping calm too :hugheart It's hard and I feel very upset at myself immediately. I don't have much advice, because I am working through it myself-but know that you are not alone and we can battle this together :heart

I do wonder about lack of sleep/hormones/poor diet (thinking of myself here-don't know what those things are like for you)..... Those things make me even worse.

[bolt.]

I dont see why he HAS to lie. My mom used to punish me if I told her the truth about things I shouldnt have done and I swore that my child was never going to have the need to lie to me. When he does it makes me feel like I've failed.
He "HAS to lie" because it is a developmentally appropreate way for him to express his heart-deep desire to make his mistake un-happen.

... Other than that -- yes, many/most/all of us blow our top from time to time... but don't let it eat you up. Feeling like crud about yourself is just going to make you all conflicted and easily upset, and that state makes it easier for it to happen over and over again.

The first step to getting a grip is accepting forgiveness for your actions.

Then you can feel like you have a fresh start, a deep breath, and a new morning to do something completely different about. There are 365 days every year. You had a couple of crummy ones. That means that you still have 363 days to do things according to your values in ways that you can be proud (in a healthy way) about.

The others are right. To be smart about this means you need to be pro-active about (a) preventing this mood / mental state (or reducing it's frequency and duration) and (b) noticing it when it is in it's early stages, and having a plan to cope differently.

So, for (a) try to analize what leads up to this kind of event (hormones, blood sugar, specific stressors, sleep deprivation... etc. -- many have been mentioned) and make very strategic choices that minimize the impact of such factors. Self care is important -- it makes no sense to think of taking care of one's own needs and wants as 'selfish' (as many do) and then end up at the end of one's rope and making really bad choices.

For example -- when my issue was hunger / blood sugar we used to keep juice boxes on my night table, so that I could get something into me before I even saw the children in the morning. That's what I mean by pro-active prevention.

If (b) means that the 'emergency plan' is clipping the child into a high chair and aiming him at a TV so you can go meltdown elsewhere, that's fine (on an occaisional basis). So make a plan that you can say, "Woah! When I feel this way, it never ends well. I need to immediatley do a, b, and c -- now. Before I get swept up in this."

[BarefootBetsy]

:hug2 I struggle more with yelling than with spanking, but I think they're both very similar both as far as the feelings behind them (anger, feeling out of control) and the effect on the children (frightens them).

It's so easy to slip into yelling for me... if I miss a meal or it's early in the morning or if everything has been crazy all day long or the children just won't.be.QUIET!!! for even just 5 seconds at a time... but I always apologize afterwards at least... I wish it would never happen again, but it keeps coming up no matter what I wish :(

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but know that you aren't alone in struggling with your reactions. You realize that it wasn't the best reaction and that's huge :heart

[jenjenn711]

I felt horrible this morning after I screamed and yelled at my two daughters. I was not nice at all. When we woke up my husband had to hurry to get ready because we accidentally slept in a bit too long, so I had to wait to take my shower until he was gone. The 3-year-old and 18-month-old play in the bathroom floor while I do this, and it's gotten so aggravating because they fight over toys the whole time and their screeching just echoes off the bathroom walls. That pushes my buttons, big time. I get really mean when I can't do essential personal tasks such as pee, shower, and brush my teeth without a child climbing on me or whining for something. To fix this I am going to ask DH to get up early with me on weekday mornings when I need to wash my hair (it would only be once or twice a week because the weekends are different) and get the kids up and fed so I don't have to enter into a situation I *know* is going to end badly. I totally agree with the other posters who have said it's a lack of alone time (and just a LITTLE peace and quiet!) that does this, at least to me. I need time to recharge, and it's been a bad couple of weeks because we've been getting over a cold and have been stuck in the house together FAR too much.

[Earthmummy07]

are you about to start your period? I find that I am cranky and short tempered during the few days before my cycle. I have to intentionally set myself up for success.

how intentionally are you approaching time with him and connecting with him?

:think I am due AF tomorrow. Because I have not decended into my normal cloud of hopelessess, I ever thought about that factoring in. I'm actually feeling suprisingly normal, apart from the obvious. I have skipped my starflower oil since we messed up on our FAM and started a TWW since I don't know about it's safety in pregnancy.

I haven't really been spending quality time with him recently. I've been really overwhelmed with trying to keep the house straight (had never done housework before I got married) etc. DH has taken over doing bedtimes since he went back to work, so that he gets to spend time with Toby, so I'm not doing the stories/snuggles. I really need to make more time to focus on him. We used to do a story time after lunch - I think we need this back :heart We played a game together this afternoon and he helped me prepare tea which was nice.

I'm having some struggles with keeping calm too :hugheart It's hard and I feel very upset at myself immediately. I don't have much advice, because I am working through it myself-but know that you are not alone and we can battle this together :heart

I do wonder about lack of sleep/hormones/poor diet (thinking of myself here-don't know what those things are like for you)..... Those things make me even worse.

Thankyou :heart I haven't eaten very well at all the last few days, which is definately something to think about.

He "HAS to lie" because it is a developmentally appropreate way for him to express his heart-deep desire to make his mistake un-happen.

... Other than that -- yes, many/most/all of us blow our top from time to time... but don't let it eat you up. Feeling like crud about yourself is just going to make you all conflicted and easily upset, and that state makes it easier for it to happen over and over again.

The first step to getting a grip is accepting forgiveness for your actions.

Then you can feel like you have a fresh start, a deep breath, and a new morning to do something completely different about. There are 365 days every year. You had a couple of crummy ones. That means that you still have 363 days to do things according to your values in ways that you can be proud (in a healthy way) about.

The others are right. To be smart about this means you need to be pro-active about (a) preventing this mood / mental state (or reducing it's frequency and duration) and (b) noticing it when it is in it's early stages, and having a plan to cope differently.

So, for (a) try to analize what leads up to this kind of event (hormones, blood sugar, specific stressors, sleep deprivation... etc. -- many have been mentioned) and make very strategic choices that minimize the impact of such factors. Self care is important -- it makes no sense to think of taking care of one's own needs and wants as 'selfish' (as many do) and then end up at the end of one's rope and making really bad choices.

For example -- when my issue was hunger / blood sugar we used to keep juice boxes on my night table, so that I could get something into me before I even saw the children in the morning. That's what I mean by pro-active prevention.

If (b) means that the 'emergency plan' is clipping the child into a high chair and aiming him at a TV so you can go meltdown elsewhere, that's fine (on an occaisional basis). So make a plan that you can say, "Woah! When I feel this way, it never ends well. I need to immediatley do a, b, and c -- now. Before I get swept up in this."

Thankyou for all of this :heart but especially the bolded bit - I never thought about it that way before, and it makes a lot of sense.