Hitting in the face

[walkwallfall]

I need some guidance and help. My dd is really into hitting in the face. I try to reinforce being gentle and when I ask her to be gentle she will lightly stroke my face and give me a kiss but this isn't working. She is consistently hitting me and dh in the face when she is frustrated or if I ever tell her no.

What do you guys do?!

[Psyche]

Grab her hand so she cannot hit and say "you are mad! You may not hit. Hiting hurts. Use gentle hands" then take her hand to stroke gently and say " oh that is so much better! That feels nice!"

[walkwallfall]

Okay. I'll give it a try. :)

[Joanne]

I need some guidance and help. My dd is really into hitting in the face. I try to reinforce being gentle and when I ask her to be gentle she will lightly stroke my face and give me a kiss but this isn't working. She is consistently hitting me and dh in the face when she is frustrated or if I ever tell her no.

What do you guys do?!

Grab her hand so she cannot hit and say "you are mad! You may not hit. Hiting hurts. Use gentle hands" then take her hand to stroke gently and say " oh that is so much better! That feels nice!"

The reason you are more direct and firm and not centered on "gentle hands" is because she is not nice and gentle in those moments. :shrug3 She won't embrace your redirect because she needs a way to express aggression, not "nice".

There are times to teach "gentle", such as in a store and reaching for things. But it is usually counter productive when the act is aggressive.

I would, instead, increase sensory play through the day. And develop an acceptable way to be physically aggressive: stomp feet, punch a pillow or punching bag, etc.

[Can'tTurnLeft]

Remember too it will take time to outgrow this. Part is developmental, and part is learning how to redirect her feelings.

[walkwallfall]

Okay I'm frustrated. :(

I was in the grocery store and she hit me for no reason so I said, "Hitting hurts! Do not hit. Use gentle hands." and I had her stroke my face. She stared at me blankly and hit me again after I let go of her hand. I repeated myself. She did it again. And kept swatting at me until I put her down which resulted in a meltdown. :( :( :(

I'm so frustrated!

[Can'tTurnLeft]

Okay I'm frustrated. :(

I was in the grocery store and she hit me for no reason so I said, "Hitting hurts! Do not hit. Use gentle hands." and I had her stroke my face. She stared at me blankly and hit me again after I let go of her hand. I repeated myself. She did it again. And kept swatting at me until I put her down which resulted in a meltdown. :( :( :(

I'm so frustrated!

Of course you are frustrated! :hugheart

It takes a long time for the messages to sink in for an 18 month old. It is hard and requires a lot of GOYB parenting.

Do you know what her hitting trigger was? Why was she upset and hitting you. Or was it a game to her?

[walkwallfall]

I can't remember what happened before. Nothing special. I was getting the impression it was a game and she liked seeing my response to it.

[Psyche]

I can't remember what happened before. Nothing special. I was getting the impression it was a game and she liked seeing my response to it.

So make her play hit herself (did your siblings ever do that to you?) or give high fives or make silly faces or Simon says.

[Joanne]

I can't post "long" but stop saying "gentle hands". Stop with "stop!".
Posted via Mobile Device

[bolt.]

Whenever my toddlers hit me, they went straight to the floor.

Yes. They melted down -- it's OK for the natural results of a child's action to be something that makes them unhappy. That's how they learn it's not a good plan.

(My kids are not toddlers now, and I was slightly less gentle then than I am now... so maybe this needs a grain of salt as far as whether having to use your own feet/bottom to support your body is punitive. I see it as just not providing something nice (holding/carrying) that I otherwise would have... it's not meant to be intentionally upsetting, just to sent the parameters of what choices lead to more holding, and what choices lead to less.)

After a moment, I would say, "Ready to come up? OK then try again with gentle hands." (They would not have to stroke or touch, just refrain from aggression. I wish there was a better word for 'refrain from aggression'.)

In other moments, where the toddler is not feeling aggressive, that's the time to teach, "Can you show me gentle hands?" -- "Put gentle hands on mommy's face." etc.

[Calee]

I didn't ever do "gentle hands" in the moment when they were/are hitting either. If I *know* they are upset/mad/playing a hitting game, I don't want to invite/insist they keep touching me. If they ARE upset, they may not WANT to touch nicely, and it just is more frustrating.

I say "Stop". Or "hands are not for hitting" depending on the age and situation. I also do as bolt said and remove myself, or remove the child from being able to hit me. If that means we are sitting together on the floor, and I stand up, that is what I do. If I am holding, and it means I put down or turn facing away from me, that is what I do.

[SweetCaroline]

Grab her hand so she cannot hit and say "you are mad! You may not hit. Hiting hurts. Use gentle hands" then take her hand to stroke gently and say " oh that is so much better! That feels nice!"

this

[Rabbit]

You consistently remove her or your face, emphasizing that hitting is not acceptable, and expect it to take months to sink in. Keep in mind that you have years to go before she has much empathy to have any clue what your pain means. One year olds are sociopaths. They outgrow it. ;)

[walkwallfall]

Okay. Thanks. Dh is really "done" with her hitting and I'm worrie that he is moving on from this form of discipline, you know? He gives me a look like, "it's not working!!" stresses me out a little.

[Llee]

So much parenting at this age is rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. Even if you were spanking or doing time-outs or whatever, you'd have to do them over and over and over and over. She will outgrow it, she really will.

[CarissaJoy]

My son went through a stage like this. I really tried to be proactive and figure out what his triggers were and then if a "trigger" was present, remove him far from my face. For example, if I knew he would get angry that I wouldn't let him have something, and try to hit my face, BEFORE I said "no", I would set him down. Then, I would tell him "no." When he got angry, it was a chance for me to verbalize his feelings for him, and to offer him a soft something to "hit." When he was just playing, and wanted to hit my face, there would be a certain look in his eye. When I saw that look, I was ready to catch the little hand, and redirect with "no hitting. use gentle touches." and stroking my face. If he kept hitting I would move out of the way or set him down and say, "owie, hitting hurts mommy! mommy will play close when you are done hitting."

It is important for your husband to see that you "mean business" in the sense that you are doing something about the hitting, though the something is gentle and kind, of course. Being firm is not the opposite of gentle. And there is no better way to show your husband that you are serious about not letting your daughter hit you than being proactive. If proactive doesn't work, removing her from proximity to your face when the hitting starts (without anger on your part) will show your husband that you are not being permissive. :shrug3

[walkwallfall]

I think he feels better because our friends who also have a 1 year old was hitting his parents in the face today. :giggle They were doing the same as us. We talked about it again. Sometimes I read into things more than he does. But he does want her to know we mean business.

---------- Post added at 02:03 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:02 PM ----------

My son went through a stage like this. I really tried to be proactive and figure out what his triggers were and then if a "trigger" was present, remove him far from my face. For example, if I knew he would get angry that I wouldn't let him have something, and try to hit my face, BEFORE I said "no", I would set him down. Then, I would tell him "no." When he got angry, it was a chance for me to verbalize his feelings for him, and to offer him a soft something to "hit." When he was just playing, and wanted to hit my face, there would be a certain look in his eye. When I saw that look, I was ready to catch the little hand, and redirect with "no hitting. use gentle touches." and stroking my face. If he kept hitting I would move out of the way or set him down and say, "owie, hitting hurts mommy! mommy will play close when you are done hitting."




I actually totally know what you mean here. I'm going to try this out.

[Rabbit]

You can mean business, but still have to wait for the child's development to catch up to the rules. As long as he knows that, all is great. If he thinks meaning business will make her take it seriously, he might be in for some trouble.

Part of how a one year old learns is relentless repetition. Seth will smack me, then show me that he knows the right way, then try again with the wrong way to see that it's still the wrong way, to try again with the right way, to try again the wrong way to see that it gets the exact same reaction it always gets, to show me again that he knows the right way, endlessly. I choose to stop the game after a single "try again gently". The next hit, and we change activities to give his little hands something else to do than endlessly repeat for me the lesson that he's learned.