feel so mixed up sometimes

[WildFlower]

I am still learning so much about discipline, parenting etc and sometimes I feel so mixed up/conflicted. I guess it's because I was brought in a punitive home, not necessarily authoritative so much but usually we got spanks for punishments.

I always grew up believing that was "right" and figured anyone that didn't spank was permissive. Now I know better. It is so hard learning a new way though because there is so much between hard line punitive and grace based discipline or gentle discipline. I mean, there are so many things that aren't black and white, but in the grey area that it makes it hard for me to know if certain things are good or bad, kwim?

Like even though I know that scheduled feedings,CIO, spanking etc aren't good, I don't know what to do with other stuff. Like I always thought Rosemond was pretty good, he made sense but now I am finding that alot of it doesn't. I don't know much about Dobson, had never even HEARD of Pearls till this website, and of course with Ezzo there is so much mixed in that seems to make "sense" that it is hard to sort the good from the bad. (I'm not trying to go through the book and sort it out, I just mean, sort it out in my head , you know?)

How do do you figure it out?

[Mama2MeadowRose]

It takes a lot to shake a once firm worldview. My background is/was all about 'spare the rod/spoil the child'. Unfortunately, it's hard when gentle parenting is the minority and WE are viewed as going against scripture n spoiling our children.

It IS hard to find a balance between punitive and permissive parenting. Some think that both approaches are 'because we love our kids'. My DD is only 4 months old and Im already being told by multiple people that I'm spoiling her. I can't imagine yet how things are going to play out as she grows older. But it doesnt matter what *they* think. We are accountable to God for how we raise our children and I truly believe that the more we know the Father, the more we know how to father (or mother!) our children.

[Wonder Woman]

How do do you figure it out?

By remembering that one day, I will stand before a Savior who will look into my soul and say "When you did it to the least of these my brethren, you did it to me."
By evaluating each choice, each piece of advice, from the perspective of "If I were raising the Savior of the world, would I treat him this way?"

My child isn't sinless, nor is he the Savior. But my child is my brother in Christ, is my greatest blessing, and his dad and I have the great privilege of raising him to become a man of God. :heart

So advice, books, pastors - I filter it all through "would I do this to Jesus?" :heart

[rjy9343]

:hugheart I read a lot of Rosemond's stuff and thought he made more sense than anyone else out there,too. I also thought if you don't spank you are permissive and not really a parent. It is confusing and frustrating. Especially when you are the first one in your family to blaze the trail. To figure it out, you pray. After you have answer, pray harder that you really do have the right answer. I know my daughter is only seven months, but I have had more peace in her seven months, that I have ever know in my whole life when I deal with her.

[3jays]

I think a lot of moms are right where you are. I am not a first time parent ( I have 3) and I am still trying to figure things out. At times I just have to do whats best for my family at the time. Sometimes that may look punitive to some and to relaxed for other and just right for me.
I think most parents do the best they can with what they know and have learned. I know each day I get a chance to extend grace and offer guidance in one way or another.
I do have expectations set for my children. I believe in raising the bar high. I think it gives them somthing to aim for and an opportunity for grace when they don't.

[NovelMama]

What I always go back to is, "Is this building trust? If someone did this to me, would it make me resent them? Or make me feel unsafe/unloved/disrespected?" And I find that, when I'm not feeling 100% about my response to a particular situation, the answer to those questions is almost always no. So then I have to step back and re-evaluate--how should I respond here in a way that is going to build trust, instead of building resentment?

[Vicki_T]

I struggle with this too, and I discovered GCM, and therefore GBD, over 3 years ago. It is lonely too. I don't have any real-life AP/GD friends or family, and even dh thinks that punishment (not necessarily spanking) will become necessary at some point. That is hardest I think - I think I would benefit a lot if I were able to bounce ideas off him, and be supported when things aren't going well. What helps me is bringing problems here, reading the board to get ideas of how other GCMers work things, and reading related websites (like the GOYB parenting one, and Crystal's Arms of Love site).

[Katigre]

:hug One thing that helps is reading a lot in a GBD mindset. It gives you tools and perspectives you otherwise wouldn't have, and you have time to assimilate them into your mindset so that when your child is 3.5 and driving you crazy, you have discipline tools to handle the misbehavior, remember how it's developmentally expected, know how to set them up for success, and understand that it will pass within a few months and your patience will pay off :yes.

Focus on this:
1. Fill your parenting toolbox (the more discipline options you have, the easier it will be to pick the one or two tactics that are most effective for your DC)

2. Figure out your discipline mindset and how you'll evaluate if something like spanking can fit into that framework (this will help if you're having a very frustrated moment and think 'spanking would solve this' - for me, it's been helpful to see that my friends who spank deal with the exact.same.things I deal with in my kids. Spanking didn't solve it for them, it just happens to be their discipline tool and I use different ones that are just as effective).

Here is something I wrote a year ago about discipline, I hope that it is helpful to you :heart

I am really fine-tuning my parenting and thinking through seriously how my philosophy of discipline meshes with real life. I also want to make sure that my spiritual beliefs about God are integrated into the way I teach my children to do life (which is ultimately what I believe discipline is all about). For me, ultimately it comes down to this:

1. I don't want to ever discipline my children in a way that would create a stumbling block to them accepting the Gospel and knowing God - and I believe punitive discipline can definitely do this and create unnecessary spiritual baggage

2. I want my discipline to be good for my children's character growth - not to embitter them as the Bible says we should not, but to help them grow and mature. Punitive discipline can lead to bitterness and I don't want to do that when there are better alternatives available. In addition, I have a child who is very tender hearted - to spank him would drive a rift in our relationship and hurt him emotionally in a way that I don't think would promote character development.

3. I want the discipline I use with my children to be edifying to my own character. If I were to embrace punitive disciplien (spanking specifically), I would fall into perfectoinism toward my children which would do great damage to their development. I want to demonstrate the fruits of the spirit - ALL of them - in the way that I teach my children and spanking would be a hindrance rather than a help in that.

A foundation of God's grace sets me free while punitive parenting would shackle me to my worst character flaws (people pleasing, perfectionism) that I already have to fight against in my personal life and that I don't want polluting my relationship with my children.

[forty-two]

I get feeling mixed-up when trying to sort out competing ideas/approaches - sometimes I feel like everything sounds right when I am reading it, even things that are completely antithetical to each other :doh. It helps me to have a sort of touchstone - something that I *know* is right, and no amount of contradictory input or ideas or doubt can erase it.

In the case of GBD, my touchstone is that fact that when I parent in a GBD way, I behave better myself :tu. This is most evident in reverse - that when I slip and punitively parent, regardless of how my children react, *I* end up behaving worse :sigh. GBD begets more GBD and punitiveness begets more punitiveness - and the punitive dynamic is very obviously bad for *me*, outside of it's being bad for my dc.

And it makes sense - punitive parenting is rooted in the idea that you have to deliberately cause pain (be it physical or emotional) in order to successfully discipline your children. And that is an inherently negative action - only our sinful side rejoices in causing pain :(. It hurts us when we cause pain inadvertently in the pursuit of something necessary, and we work to minimize the pain as much as possible. But in punitive parenting, the pain itself is *essential* to the process - it does nothing good to a person to inure oneself to deliberately inflicting pain, especially onto one's own children :cry.

Anyway, that's what I hand onto - the clear evidence in my life of the negative effects of punitive parenting, along with my analysis of how GBD is in fact the natural outworking of my theology. But sometimes analysis isn't as clear a thing to hang on to in times of doubt as personal experience :shrug3.

[rjy9343]

:hug One thing that helps is reading a lot in a GBD mindset. It gives you tools and perspectives you otherwise wouldn't have, and you have time to assimilate them into your mindset so that when your child is 3.5 and driving you crazy, you have discipline tools to handle the misbehavior, remember how it's developmentally expected, know how to set them up for success, and understand that it will pass within a few months and your patience will pay off :yes.


Yes. I am fairly new to GBD, but have seen a huge shift in my attitude this week. I was with a friend who has two small children and we were in a busy area next to a very busy street. When her 3.5 year old decided to try to run away from me while we were crossing the street after being warned not to do it, I scooped her up and carried her the rest of the way explaining to her that because she does not want to hold my hand and we need her to be safe she will have to be carried the rest of the way. And that is exactly what happened. There were probably as many tears as if she had been spanked, but she was safe and there was no harm done to anyone. And more importantly, she knew she was not in any sort of trouble.

[cbmk4]

Sometimes it feels comforting to have ready made formulas or responses for every possible situation that could be encountered along the journey of child rearing. However, this sort of approach doesn't take into account things we can't possibly anticipate.

In some ways, it can feel scary to change tracks so to speak when it comes to discipline, especially if you have a very young one and you are trying to project ahead to her life years from now. Parenting involves growing the parent at least as much as the child. I've been at this mom job for almost 18 years now and I have only more recently been giving myself the grace to admit I don't have it all figured out. I'm pretty solid on the big principles of grace based discipline, but I still sometimes struggle with how to apply those to my children's specific situations. I'm glad I have the Holy Spirit, friends, and a husband who are here to help me.