what to do in the midst of a 2 yo big tantrum

[houseforjoy]

dd will be 2 next month. she has been having these major meltdown "tantrums" for instance we are trying to get her to go to bed earlier. she normally stays up till i go to bed (10:30 / 11:00) and then doesn't wake till 10 the next morning. I want her to go to bed earlier so that when i want to go to bed early i can, and so that i can get stuff done after the kids go to bed. we co sleep but i would like to transition her at some soonish point to the sibling bed.

anyway.... i started bedtime at 9:30 last night. she was all willing at first to come up, she nursed and was quiet but then she got down and wanted to go downstairs. she got out of bed and said stairs, but i said it is night night now mommy is going night night. she then went to the stairs and realized the door was closed and then got mad and started crying/screaming. she came back in and kept yelling out stairs and throwing herself on the floor kicking and hitting the floor. i tried calmly telling her it was night night time and she could come uppy by mommy. after awhile she started screaming "night night couch" which is where we sit for nap time to nurse till she falls asleep and then i put her in bed. i said no night night in bed, after ahwhile though she started waking up the other kids so i picked her up and walked around the kitchen and after awhile she nicely said "night night couch" so i sat on the couch with her until she fell asleep and then tried taking her into bed at which point she woke up and began screaming and crying again. dh tried taking her for awhile, but finally ds came in and said he couldn't sleep and since it was already after 10:30 i picked her up and walked her in the kitchen till she was asleep and then was able to go into our bed without her waking up.
i never know what to do while she is tantruming though. i get really frustrated and it is hard to say nice calming things to her that seemingly have no impact, so sometimes i think if i just ignore her while she is tantruming that would be better but i don't like not acknowledging that i know she is upset either.

help

[bolt.]

I do a lot of 'nothing' during tantrums.

Yep. It's hard.

If you want a way to think through methods that could help you with your unwilling one at bed time, try thinking through, "How do I communicate and/or enforce other things that are not optional in our lives?"

Also, it's hard to settle when you're not sleepy. Perhaps waking her up early and dealing with a day where she is pretty tuckered... might set up success a little better for bed time.

Do you have 'daylight savings time' where you are? If so, how do those transitions work out around bed times?

[KarenBoo]

I do different things, depending on the reason for the meltdown.

In this case, you are enforcing a boundary. So when a meltdown happens for that reason, I validate, empathize, offer cuddles/hugs, but keep the boundary and do my best to stay calm.

And sometimes that might look a bit like "doing nothing." I'll say "I'm laying here and I'll be quiet, but if you want some snuggles I'll be right here." and offer that every few minutes.

And sometimes I have to continually validate. "Yes, I know you want to go to sleep on the couch. I know. Yes... I know. You are sad about bedtime? You don't want to go to bed now? You want to go to sleep on the couch? Yes. I know." and on and on in a sympathetic voice. I might, only a little bit, restate the boundary without "trying" to convince her. "We are going to sleep here right now."

And then there will probably be fresh tears and then you start back up with the "I know. You are sad about going to bed now. You want to go to the couch. I know. I know....."

But depending on the meltdown, sometimes a continual dialog like that just keeps the tears running. You'll have to decide if it's helping or not. Sometimes just a quiet "I'm here to snuggle you when you want" is a faster way to get the meltdown to stop.

Oh yeah, I also try to distract and redirect. "Come here and snuggle with me and I'll tell you a story." or sing a song. or rub/scratch your back. or all of the above! :giggle This works a LOT for Monkey. It helps to distract her enough to relax into going to sleep.

[houseforjoy]

hmmm i think with daylight savings we just end up waking her up early since it is always a sunday when we get up for church. last night was better somewhat since she didn't nap she went to bed earlier, but she woke up more in the night i think thinking her nap was done ?

[MomtoJGJ]

I tend to just ignore them. I'll do like the PP and validate their feelings and tell them I'm there when they need me. I also restate the boundary.

Right now Evie is tantruming on the floor beside me, but when I say anything to her (I had to break just now because she asked me to pick her up and let her nurse.... now to finish my thought) it makes her scream more :) In my experience with my kids... if I back down on a boundary no matter what the reason it makes the tantrum worse the next time. So if I know all is truly ok and it's just a person not happy with the boundary I've set, I just let it go and let them know I'm there to help them. Now, if there is question about something (like needing to potty) I'll get up with them and I'll tell them "we will go potty, but then we are coming right back in here and going to sleep" Generally when they come back in the room they start the tantrum over again because it was just ploy to get out of the room ;) but I've shown them I am listening to them, given them the boundary, and stuck with it.

I think a lot of times their emotions get the better of them and they just have to get them out... and a tantrum is their way of doing it. Once they are through with the tantrum they are generally happy.