Who's afraid of the Big Bad.....

[allisonintx]

.....teenager!?! :shifty

I was at a Junior Bible Quiz meet this week-end and talking with another mom about knitting and spinning and cloth diapering, when the subject of the ages of our children came up. She was telling me how her oldest is 10 and she's just terrified of the upcoming teenage years.

I was afraid, too. I remember all the stuff I did at 13 (skipping school) 14 (riding in cars with boys) 15 (drinking/lying), etc.

I decided when my oldest daughter was 12 that I was going to stop saying things like that, and start saying, "I enjoy my children more every year" and ever since then, it has been true. At this point, another mother joined us and challenged me saying, "Well, you must have 'easy' kids or something special going on with them that they aren't like *my* teenagers"

I had to disagree, and I told her how I got to this point.

The secret for me, has been adopting a "Serenity Prayer Attitude" about these teenagers ;)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

I told her, "My children are no different from any others. The 15yo is still moody and doesn't want to do chores. The 13yo is still in a major angry testosterone filled brain Haze, and can't complete the simplest of tasks without written step-by-step instructions.

>>insert the second mom perking up here because she has two in the testosterone haze currently<<

The thing is, I don't expect them to be adults. I expect to disciple them through these neurological development stages all the way into adulthood. Sometimes it's hard to remember because they look and sound awfully adult, but their brains DO NOT function like adult brains. I learned from a book, a bunch of things about adolescent brain development and it has really helped manage my expectations about them.

courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

I can not change the fact that they have to go through this development to get to adulthood... The thing I COULD and DID change was my own attitude about getting through it. My husband and I work to not set ourselves in opposition to them, but rather to bring them in step with us. It's not "Us against Them" it's "Us together with Them"

The first woman was sitting there eagerly participating in the discussion, and the second woman was sitting there looking like she had been hit with a bludger. It had never occurred to her to be anything other than in opposition to her children. I shared a few book titles with her from our reading list here at GCM, and additionally Your 10-14 Year Old by Ames and Haber because it has the development stuff in it. I told her that I also explained to my children what is going on with their brains and it really was helpful to them to know WHY they feel like:

"I don't want what I want. I don't want what you want. I don't want what you want me to want and I don't know what I want, anyway. I am going to be unhappy, even if I get what I want because I didn't *really* want it.

I want to be "different" and I want to fit in.

I do want to fight with you some, and mostly about stupid stuff, because it's how I figure out where you stop and I start, and it's powerful feeling when I can 'wind you up' so easily.

I will need *exact* instructions about how to do things that I could always do before, easily because my brain forgot how. No, really, it forgot.

:giggle and have my solemn assurance that the feeling would pass, and their brain would work again....someday, relatively soon. :shifty

I got to share with them about wanting to rear amazing, healthy, powerful adults in the service of the King, and that I didn't think that 'broken' children whose parents 'win' all the time, and grind them into submission, make very healthy or powerful people. I also sympathized with them about how hard it is to want to nourish the characteristics that actually make the children harder, in many ways, to parent.....like questioning everything. I WANT my children to grow up to question what people tell them the Word says. I want them to question every 'truth' anyone shares with them, and test it against the Word....and they learn that skill where it's safe, in my house, as my children :sigh and some days that's just exhausting :yes but when I think about it, I wouldn't have it any other way :mrgreen

[newday]

:heart

[nadezhda]

You :rockon. I hope a mom learned something from you. :yes :heart

[SilverMoon]

Very wonderful explained!

[charla]

:happytears I don't have teens yet, but I want to remember this thread when I do.

[domesticzookeeper]

:heart :heart :heart


My parents were not GBD by any means, but in one way they were significantly counter-cultural: they refused to fear the teenage years (and believe me, based on their teen years, they had more than enough reason to :shiver). But they never accepted that teens are impossible to parent, anymore than they accepted that sibling rivalry is inevitable, and I know we gave our parents some incredibly challenging years :shifty But we all came out of our teenage years closer to our parents and to each other as siblings than ever before :heart

I'm not even a mom yet...and I already look forward to having teens :grin

[SilverMoon]

I have to come back to that idea that somehow we're in opposition to our teens.
I see that idea so pervasive in our culture, and it's bled into the church. I think it's the punitive mindset applied to teens instead of toddlers.

Whenever my kids and I get into it, I stop both of us and reaffirm that I'm on their side, I want to say yes as often as possible, and I'm not their enemy. Reminding both of us that we're not really in a power struggle, but a communication struggle zaps that tension right out of the conversation. I'm not the adversary, I'm an ally.

[ReedleBeetle]

You are so wise. I love reading these kinds of posts from you. They give me so much hope, so much encouragement and so much support for the stages I have yet to reach. And with all of that, they help me handle right where I am. :ty

[WingsOfTheMorning]

"I don't want what I want. I don't want what you want. I don't want what you want me to want and I don't know what I want, anyway. I am going to be unhappy, even if I get what I want because I didn't *really* want it.

This sounds so much like my 2.5 year old in a bad mood. :giggle I've told DH several times that we're practicing for the teen years right now.

[cbmk4]

Thanks for that great post. My teens continue to comment how tired they are of hearing the teenage nay-Sayers even from Christian speakers sometimes. They are tired of being lumped in with "all" the drug-using, law-breaking, sleeping around teenagers who don't take responsibilty for their own actions. Yes, occasionally it does feel like we parents are on opposite teams from our teens, but usually we feel like one team.

[poleidopy]

:heart

[Heather Micaela]

You know, I joke about the day I will have 3 teenage girls and what a nightmare it will be, but honestly it is to keep me realistic that it will not be all roses. Because TBPH, I can't wait to have children that age. I love teenagers and that not-yet-adult stage. I am so excited to see some of that emerging in my ds who will be in double digits in just a few months.

---------- Post added at 04:56 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:52 AM ----------

Thanks for that great post. My teens continue to comment how tired they are of hearing the teenage nay-Sayers even from Christian speakers sometimes. They are tired of being lumped in with "all" the drug-using, law-breaking, sleeping around teenagers who don't take responsibilty for their own actions. Yes, occasionally it does feel like we parents are on opposite teams from our teens, but usually we feel like one team.
I hated hearing from the pulpit that all Christian teens fall away from the faith. There I was serving in 2 or 3 ministires and begging my parents to let me come to church and having to balance that with my other obligations, all WITHOUT my parents guiding me. I went to church without the support of family and followed God because he was my Lord. And I stayed out of trouble for the most part. There were growing pains but they were mild -not even enough confict for your mild sitcom.

[gpsings]

:heart Thank you!:heart

[Quietspirit]

You and I would be friends IRL :heart I have the same thoughts about my teens and the teenage years.

[Lady TS]

Thank you, Allison, for that insight. I for one have been sort of watching my oldest (soon to be 10) and wondering if I'm up to the challenge, lol. I just ordered the book on paperbackswap---and your post was quite timely as I am writing a blog post on discipline and my perspective and I had recommended the Ames and Ilg books, but I had yet to get the one for teenagers. Ds' birthday is in less than a month. Great timing!

I, too, as a teenager, hated being lumped into the "bad teenager" category and treated as such. I really wish my parents had done differently(and I am hoping to learn how to do that and not merely emulate my parents).

This may be tough with a dh that is not totally on board with my parenting ideas. *sigh*

[Llee]

I just read some of this to dh about his students and he says :ty too. :)

[tigerlily]

So, did the oppositional minded mom come around at all?

Because if not, it sounds a little like the crucifixion story of one sinner accepting what Jesus said and being accepted into paradise that day and the other rejecting him.:shifty

And it's a little disappointed to hear that in 10 years I won't be able to consider dd an adult -- but exciting to think that she'll be well on her way.:heart :ty

[Emerald Orchid]

When I grow up, I want to be a mom like you. :heart

[curlymopmom]

:heart

[Beth1231]

I really enjoyed reading that :rockon So many good points.

[MomtoJGJ]

Awesome post! :)

I know since my oldest is only 7 that I may be delusional :shifty but I really am looking forward to the teenage years. I really believe that it's my job NOW to prepare them and myself for those years. That those years are when they get to practice being adults with dh and myself there to guide and help them.

I honestly am just excited about having 4 teenage (or close enough) girls in the house at one time!

[allisonintx]

The second mom actually wrote down the names of the books in her little notebook in her purse and double checked the spelling of the author's names. I think that she was feeling like there might be hope after all. I left the conversation excited for the possibilities she was seeing.

[JessicaTX]

I am afraid of the big bad teenage years. I have one. I knew all that information. I have a kid that will agree with everything I say when I talk to him. I honestly thought we were having open discussions and that he could talk to me about stuff. I did my best to come alongside him and help him feel supported and loved, not him vs the world, and he's still one of those kids that was sleeping around, doing drugs, rebelling at any hint of authority and refuses to take responsibility for a single one of his decisions. It scares me a lot. I never thought we'd be here when he was ten, or eleven, or twelve. Then testosterone struck, and he's very passive aggressive. So he would nod and smile and hug me and agree with everything I said and interject his own opinions that happened to coincide with mine. Then he'd go out and do the exact opposite. I feel cheated, lied to, and generally judged by the world when I see stuff about how great your relationship with your teen can be, when mine isn't that way.

[allisonintx]

:hugheart. Some teens are going to test the limits of the world like that no matter how great their parents are. :yes2 My dad was that teenager. I really wish that counseling had been available to him as a young teen....or maybe just to his mom :shifty to help her cope. I also wish I knew some great thing to help.

[klpmommy]

:ty2 I love reading your teenage posts. And I have enjoyed meeting your teenagers (and other kids, too). :yes

[Auroras mom]

First of all, Allison, can you be *my* mommy? Secondly, can you raisemy dd...b/c I am loving the things you say about your home and the way you are bringing up your kids in the Word, and I have no idea how to do that stuff.

[ReedleBeetle]

I am afraid of the big bad teenage years. I have one. I knew all that information. I have a kid that will agree with everything I say when I talk to him. I honestly thought we were having open discussions and that he could talk to me about stuff. I did my best to come alongside him and help him feel supported and loved, not him vs the world, and he's still one of those kids that was sleeping around, doing drugs, rebelling at any hint of authority and refuses to take responsibility for a single one of his decisions. It scares me a lot. I never thought we'd be here when he was ten, or eleven, or twelve. Then testosterone struck, and he's very passive aggressive. So he would nod and smile and hug me and agree with everything I said and interject his own opinions that happened to coincide with mine. Then he'd go out and do the exact opposite. I feel cheated, lied to, and generally judged by the world when I see stuff about how great your relationship with your teen can be, when mine isn't that way.

Allison's post is meant to encourage. :hugheart We are talking about human being here, so it won't always work out that way. I understand being disappointed that you didn't get that with your son. I understand, because I have worked so hard to parent differently than I was parented, to parent what I believe is the "right" way, that Your Five Year Old- Sunny and Serene was just around the corner and then, THEN things would finally even out for us. Instead, I got "Your Five Year Old- Spitting, Slapping, and Never Serene although I might let you see a glimpse of Sunny here and there". I feel shafted some days. :yes2 I'm still glad I am here, parenting this way, because I truly believe the issues would be greater if I didn't. I am glad that when the world is falling apart on us, I can find a little more grace for him, because I am parenting with showing him Jesus in mind....and He didn't abandon me when I was falling apart. :heart

Parenting a teen that is not coming alongside you has to be so hard. :hugheart You are not responsible for his decisions, and as hard as it is to not be in control of that, you can still keep showing him boundaries and Jesus.

I don't know if this is any consolation to you or not, but I have a friend who had a really, really hard time with her teenage son. At one point, he was even found seizing in a church parking lot from alcohol poisoning. :bheart He was arrested for drug paraphernalia. He ran away from home multiple times. He lived in the top of someone's garage for awhile. Now, he is a stable, job holding, father of 2, married for 13 years I think, contributing member of society. I don't know what his spiritual status is as this point, but he is by no means a derelict. :) I am praying for you. :pray4

[Mollycurls]

Thanks for that Allison. :heart We're just on the cusp of the teen years (dd turns 12 in May) and I don't want to go into these years dreading them, because I've actually always enjoyed teenagers way more than I enjoyed little kids...but I find those preconceived notions slip into my brain and start effecting my responses and I hate that! Great post!:)

[Blue-EyedLady]

Alison - Thank you for sharing this. For the first time, I'm starting to think that I might be starting to "get" teenagers. (and dread those years a little less :shifty)

I'm glad this is in a public forum - I can't wait to share this with my (youth pastor) husband.

[Maggirayne]

I'm standing here crying, would you please come be my mommy?

I was a good kid an my mom hammered on me about me rebelling (I backtalked, seriously, that's the only thing I did. I was called a goody-two-shoes by all the other kids at church/youth group, I never broke curfew (10 pm!) I never held my boyfriend's hand, nada). We talked a lot, but still. . . I wasn't good enough. :cry :-/

[klpmommy]

Maggriayne, that reminds me when I was taking a sign language class in high school. I would sign sometimes when I talked to practice. My mom forbade me to sign while talking to her b/c I might be saying bad things to her with my sign while talking to her with my mouth. :-/

I really want to go into the teenage years with positive intent, not negative intent like my mom had.

[ReedleBeetle]

My parents had very negative intent in their view of us as well. I gave up on trying to "be good" because nothing I did measured up. :(

[J3K]

(on the Serenity Prayer trajectory )
(courage to change or accept) and the wisdom to know the difference

Sometimes an attitude needs to be changed. We all think of the sullen teenager moping around. Sometimes that teen needs to be loved and validated and respected. One long haired mopey sullen teenager does not = troublemaker and hard to raise.


Living one day at a time
I deal with today's issues. Not tomorrows. Today my kids may have issues , but underneath they are fabulous , funny people that I love to get to know better. I'm not going to worry about "someday when they stay out past curfew".

Enjoying one moment at a time
Stop and smell the roses. Just like you did when they were first born and you just KNEW they would never stay that way...all little and helpless. Teens may not be little or helpless , but they won't always be teens either. ABSORB it when they tell you a story about things you don't really care about.

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace
Those tough times when you do have to crack down , know that you really aren't ruining their life. (although they will tell you loudly that you are). Remind them that you see the big picture. Remind yourself too.

Taking this sinful world as it is not as I would have it
My teens will get hurt , made fun of , they'll have substances offered to them no matter the circles they run in , they'll be tempted to stay out late , they'll push boundaries and lie. That's not as I would have it...that's not how I want it...but that doesn't change the fact that they are teens. It's what they do. I can focus on how it "should be" , on raising "perfect kids" , or I can take each issue as it comes along and guide them lovingly .

Trusting that He will make all things right accordingly to HIS will
No , I don't get why my teen had to endure that. BUT I know that in the end
God will take the ashes and make something beautiful with it.

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Because that is the main goal. To sit here worried about how awful my teens are gets me nowhere fast. To worry about the teen years when my kids are still in diapers...that also gets me nowhere. To be reasonably happy I should focus on the good things. (like no more car seats when they are teens). And to be supremely happy with HIM forever in the next I need to focus on what is true , noble , good , and I need to be patient and kind.

[allisonintx]

YES! This. Beautifully spoken.

[newday]

I just wanted to mention that this post has already helped me maintain a positive, loving attitude with my "nine-pushing-17-year-old":shifty
I was just able to come along beside her and empathize with the big feelings she had on missing out on some morning things because she choose to stay in bed today.
Basically, I was the adult and since I am cool with being the adult I was able to meet her emotionally, and let her be the kid.
:mrgreen

[BearyBlessed]

Thank you Allison and J3K for sharing. :heart

Allison, what books do you recommend for moms of tweens and teens?

[mamahammer]

I :heart teenagers.

[TraceMama]

:ty2 for this! :heart :heart

[cobluegirl]

thank you. I just realized reading this that my parents never dreaded us as teens...at least not that we knew of. She enjoyed us much more as teens. I do dread mine at that age sometimes but mostly it is because I feel like they are one step ahead of me now...and I don't know what I am doing. :bag I already find this parenting thing so very hard........

[allisonintx]

Oh, I freely admit that I don't have a clue. :giggle The 15yo is very clear that she is my on the job training, and that I'm learning as I go.

[cbmk4]

My dh likes to say (of his parenting) that he's making it up as he goes along! In that case I tell him that he's a pretty good ad-libber.

[everydaygrace]

This is a supergood post. I just have one infant, but I often think about how I am in the enjoyable stage for such a few short years until we reach the really scary teenage years. Thanks for reminding me of the joy I know teenagers can be. And I think you're right, so much of it is in your perspective.

[NewCovenantMama]

I've bookmarked this thread, along with a few others on teens, as they are just around the corner for us..:paranoid

[marigold]

Thanks from my 3 yr old who claims "I'm going to be a teenager Mommy!"
I think this is a great reminder for any age. Thank-you.