I have ordered the book, but have some questions in the meantime.

[gpsings]

Question 1:
How do you deal with fighting? It reaches emergency levels around here very quickly and kids turn violent in seconds. Aside from yelling...what?
Question 2:
Poor attitudes from the older kids (Especially my 6 year old) smarting off to everything you say, insulting me, demanding things from me including my immediate attention exactly when she wants it...sometimes for no reason other than to get my attention- and being nasty mouthed to siblings. I don't want to be punitive, but but she needs consequences. Ideas?
Question 3:
The boy keeps hitting the dogs, breaking the pencils (we need for school right now) teasing his sisters who are supposed to be doing their schoolwork (I was trying to put dinner in the crockpot while this was going on) and other delinquent behavior. Please give me some ideas for consequences!

[forty-two]

I might start off by thinking prevention, rather than consequences :think.

I've noticed with my two that often their worst behavior can be headed off by how I structure the day. They are usually at their best in the morning, and often I take advantage of their willingness to play together nicely to spend too much time reading or computing or other not-interesting-to-children, sedentary-type activities :bag. And that generally ends up with them going stir crazy just in time for quiet time :sigh. Which means that the movie goes on earlier than normal, to get them calmed down, which leads to watching more tv than is good for them, which leads to *massive* craziness and meltdowns. (That was yesterday :banghead, complicated by everyone being sick :doh.)

Trying to find the right consequences that will help them calm down and behave correctly is a gargantuan task by that point, one that takes up *all* our time and energy (leaving no time to do anything, like get a good dinner on the table, which just exacerbates the problem :sigh, as good food, or the lack thereof, *strongly* affects *everyone's* ability to behave well). It's much better if I make the effort to prevent the situations that lead to the problems in the first place - an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure :yes.

So with the fighting, is there any set of circumstances that generally lead up to it? A certain time of day, certain activities, when you aren't directly supervising, when all three of them are in the same room, when one or more of them are out-of-sorts for some reason - are there any common threads b/w incidents? If you can find them, then you can take a step back, and try to prevent the situations that are most likely to lead to fighting, instead of trying to prevent fighting in a fighting-prone situation or manage the fighting once it has started.

Same with the nasty-mouthedness - does 6yo do it 24/7, or just at certain times/places/situations? Figuring that out can be the first step in figuring out *why* your 6yo does that, which can help you take proactive steps to prevent it.

With the destructive 3yo, I'd either scrap schoolwork while you are trying to do dinner - just let them play - or keep the 3yo with you, let him help you put things in the crockpot or have an activity for him to do right by you. Because it sounds like it's just not possible for your 3yo to occupy himself in mom-approved activities when he's on his own - I think your best bet is just to quit expecting him to. I know I do better when I quit thinking that R or A *should* be able behave in 'x' circumstances without help, and just accept the current reality that, for whatever reason, they just *can't*. Instead of getting frustrated trying to find the right consequence that will get through to them, it's better that I just change the situation entirely, create a situation that they *can* handle - set them up for success.

Does any of that help?

[gpsings]

That helps a lot. I'm trying to figure out how we can structure things differently. It does seem like the majority of the chaos is at 'school' time. Some days are easier because I go to the gym in the morning, and they get out of the house a bit, and then by the time we get home it's snack time, I can do a little craft or activity with him, give them lunch and put him down for a nap, and then the girls can do their schoolwork ideally without distraction. Sometimes they are just moody and don't want to buckle down regardless. I'm going to have to put more thought into it, but I think it is definitely a time of day thing. I prayed -like I promised I would if things got hairy, and strangely enough....it settled down! Now they are eating lunch and the boy will have a nap afterward.
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer. I would still like to have some consequences on hand for when attitudes are unacceptable, but you made a good point. Prevention is better.

[forty-two]

I'm glad it helped some. WRT specific consequences in the moment, I try to think what I do, or should do, if *I* were the one fighting or having a bad attitude or whatnot. What helps *me* get back on track in those situations? It helps me keep my focus on the right goal - helping them do the right thing, rather than punishing them for doing the wrong thing - and it gives me a concrete starting place. Understanding *my* reasons for behaving badly - and how easy it is for *me* do that exact same thing :bag - helps me focus on solving the underlying issues instead of falling into a punitive mindset. It is *too easy* for me to think that if I just make 'em miserable enough then maybe they won't do it anymore :doh.

I also find the HALT acronym of common reasons for misbehaving/meltdowns - Hungry, Angry/Anxious, Lonely, Tired/Thirsty - to be very useful. A good half of my dds' meltdowns are solved by eating or drinking something. Water is a cure for everything in this house ;). It gives you a place to start with getting everyone calmed down - then you can have them make any necessary amends once everyone is calm. (I'm not that good with sorting out the right sort of amends for my LEs, though thinking how I'd handle it if it were me and another adult at least gets me thinking in the right direction.)

[klpmommy]

Caden sounds *very* 3, tbh. Have you read the 3 y/o stickies? They are either in the GD FAQ or the Little Explorer forum.

I really would not worry about consequences atm and work on relationship as well as prevention. Often when my kids are at their "worst" the best thing I can do is pull the offender over to me, give a huge hug and whisper in their ears how much I love them, how special they are (with specifics as much as possible) and list some of their best traits. It's amazing how well it works. and then sometimes I just stop what we are doing and we all do something else-- go for a walk, do a craft together (something the littles can do on their level).

Schooltime is hard for me, too, b/c the two littles want my attention then. sometimes giving them one on one directly before school is a huge help.