Another spin off-- "I didn't do that."

[illinoismommy]

Answering things with carious forms of "I didn't do that."

For example, "You need to stop following M around and picking fights. Would you like to _____?"
"I didn't do that."

"You may not speak that way to me, try again."
"I didn't."

[PurpleButterfly]

Since your oldest is only five, I would just redirect. It's natural that a 5 yo will want to defend themselves. As you redirect, you can make a statement instead of an accusation.

"Please think about how you would feel if M followed you around and acted mean to you." :neutral (insert "mom look" here) :lol

Instead of this:

"You may not speak to me that way. Try again."

Help them understand and learn by stating what you do want them to say and asking them to repeat it to you.

:heart

If all else fails, a chocolate break for mama always helps. :hug2

[klpmommy]

I pretty much just ignore it. :shrug Or I might say "OK, I still need you to ----"

[illinoismommy]

Since your oldest is only five, I would just redirect. It's natural that a 5 yo will want to defend themselves. As you redirect, you can make a statement instead of an accusation.

"Please think about how you would feel if M followed you around and acted mean to you." :neutral (insert "mom look" here) :lol

Instead of this:

"You may not speak to me that way. Try again."

Help them understand and learn by stating what you do want them to say and asking them to repeat it to you.

:heart

If all else fails, a chocolate break for mama always helps. :hug2

Well, that's what I've been doing, and I don't think its working and he's persisting in trying to argue with me, even though I am not going to argue with a 5 year old.

When I have him repeat something back he does it while squirming around on the floor and just barely being heard, being as disrespectful as possible.

If I say something like this "
"Please think about how you would feel if M followed you around and acted mean to you." :neutral (insert "mom look" here) :lol
and trust me, I do, he says "I didn't act mean. I didn't do anything." even if it was so obvious I could see and hear it across the yard. :-/


Its bringing out the part of me that wonders if [some of those other punitive methods] are right and I have been too soft all along. :-/

---------- Post added at 10:44 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:43 AM ----------

I pretty much just ignore it. :shrug Or I might say "OK, I still need you to ----"


Been doing that, but I don't think that is okay, its allowing him to continue which means he will continue doing it for years and years... and its wrong.

[klpmommy]

not so. It's typical 5 behavior, not typical 7 behavior.

[PurpleButterfly]

Well, that's what I've been doing, and I don't think its working and he's persisting in trying to argue with me, even though I am not going to argue with a 5 year old.

When I have him repeat something back he does it while squirming around on the floor and just barely being heard, being as disrespectful as possible.

If I say something like this "
"Please think about how you would feel if M followed you around and acted mean to you." :neutral (insert "mom look" here) :lol
and trust me, I do, he says "I didn't act mean. I didn't do anything." even if it was so obvious I could see and hear it across the yard. :-/


Its bringing out the part of me that wonders if [some of those other punitive methods] are right and I have been too soft all along. :-/

---------- Post added at 10:44 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:43 AM ----------




Been doing that, but I don't think that is okay, its allowing him to continue which means he will continue doing it for years and years... and its wrong.

I highly recommend Ames & Ilg's, "Your Five Year Old". It gives wonderful developmental information and encouragement for typical temperments and behaviors at this age and stage. Your 5 yo is acting age-appropriately. Frustrating but healthy individuation is beginning.

Something that will also help is working to move away from the punitive-disciplinarian mindset. Gentle discipline isn't a cure-all band-aid for perfect behavior. Thinking of your five yo being "as disrespectful as possible" indicates the need for a paradigm shift. He's being five and needing direction and communication. :)

Have confidence in your mothering, look inside yourself when you feel frustrated with your child, and try to replace the "maybe I should do this/that punitive means" with "what are we both needing in this situation and how can I teach relationship here?". :heart

[BHope]

Do you get a chance to talk about responsibility when he's not being corrected? I find that some of my best teaching moments happen outside of correction.

I usually do not engage in the middle of correcting my kiddos. I offer my direction, followed by my reason. "Get off the couch, couches aren't for jumping."

The second time I have to repeat myself I go straight into the direction, leave off the reason, and physically help them down "Get off the couch."

Now, theoretically my child could be fussing, "But I WASN'T jumping, I was just standing, see my feet were just touching like this, I didn't jump!"

Since my child knows she was jumping (even if she's desperately trying to rewrite history with her words) and I know she was jumping, I don't engage. I help them down and may state, "You may sit on the couch when you are willing to sit without jumping."

If my child tries to escalate I have two choices. Continue to not emotionally engage, script the correct way to speak to me, and offer a rest if needed. Or I can offer an alternative, "If you'd like to come help me in the kitchen, you're welcome to. However, you will speak to me with respect. Use nice words and a kind tone."

[sweetpeasmommy]

Its bringing out the part of me that wonders if [some of those other punitive methods] are right and I have been too soft all along. :-/

GBD doesn't advocate disrespect. Quite the opposite. I, otoh was raised very punitively and was that defensive into my 30's at which point it's no longer age appropriate. :-/

I bean dip the defensiveness. I'm not interested in hearing didn't do it, Tom and Jerry made me do it, or and one of a million and one ridiculous scenarios, whatever happened was not okay and needs to stop. Period.

It really sounds to me like he needs something to do besides bother his siblings. 5 yo's thrive on jobs and responsibilities. What about "It looks like you need something to do buddy." and hand him a spray bottle of water and a rag to clean something?

[Niphredil]

Been doing that, but I don't think that is okay, its allowing him to continue which means he will continue doing it for years and years... and its wrong.

I don't have a five year old, but it reminds me of my one year old smacking at me out of boredom. I don't have to directly address her hitting to show her that's not the right choice when she's bored. By ignoring the hitting and showing her a better choice I'm teaching her one is not acceptable while the other is... right? I think the same would apply to ignoring his "I didn't" statement.

[Marsha]

oppositional defiance disorder is rooted in anxiety. it helps me to realize that and see that my dd's defiant behavior against all logic is due to anxiety.

[teamommy]

It might be age-expected but that doesn't make it acceptable. The "I didn't do it" to that blatant degree has to do with being 5, but older children try to do the same thing, it is just more subtle (ttrying to blame someone else, lying about what they did, minimizing).

[tempus vernum]

Don't forget this is the "words are magic" phase. I usually respond with "you wish you hadn't done that." as a response and move on :shrug3 at this age, they so won't get lying to protect themselves.

As they get older my response changes but not at age 5 for sure. Depending on the child's maturity, I think expecting them to understand would be ages 7 to 8. And sometimes I *still* use this on 8.5yo. . . he has a HUGE conscience and doesn't need me reminding him that he lied. Just saying "you wish you hadn't done that" usually is enough!

[MarynMunchkins]

"I wish that were true too!" or "Well, the next time you don't do, make sure you are kind."

IMHO, intelligent kids are mouthy kids. He seems like a smart kid. :) Learning to channel that takes INCREDIBLE amounts of time and patience. It's not something that any method will channel, because you're trying to channel intelligence and verbal ability into kindness and wisdom.