My daughter said she hates me :(

[realfoodmom]

I know she doesn't really. She's five, though, and generally very sweet natured and sensitive. She told me last week she hated me when I wouldn't let her ride in the back of the grocery cart. I went home and made her memorize Proverbs 12:18....in hind site it probably wasn't the best response.
Today she said it to me at the park when I told her we didn't have time to play on the playground because Daddy had to go back to work.
My husband was beside himself. He couldn't believe she would say that to me. She stomped up the path and told me I was such a MEAN mommy. I was TERRIBLE and HORRIBLE and NOT nice!
I told her hate is a very unkind word and it is not acceptable to insult people when you're angry. We practiced in the car acceptable ways to express anger that would keep everyones heart safe...but, I still feel like she needs to be disciplined! I wouldn't say I'm new to grace based parenting...we don't spank, we don't punish in the traditional sense, we're really big into natural consequences, but I feel really strongly that she shouldn't speak to me that way. It seems so cruel and disrespectful and unChristlike. Anyway, any better ideas on how to handle this?

[klpmommy]

She's angry and using her words. It isn't a bad thing. :hug

I playful parent it. It takes all the power from her words. I sing "mean mommy" (if you're familiar with Land Before Time it is the Big, Big Water song-- Mean, mean mean mean mommy."). I tell my kids "Yup, meanest mommy you'll ever have!" in a cheerful voice. I agree with them "I am the meanest mom! I never let you play or do anything fun. You have to sit still in a hard chair all day and eat nothing buy broccoli & spinach! You don't have any toys or fun things to do except stare at boring walls. I am soooooooo mean!"

When the emotion isn't there I talk about words like "hate" b/c I really don't like that word. I gave my kids words they can use-- angry, dislike, etc.

She's disappointed. You can tell her that, too. "I know you're disappointed b/c we can't play on the playground. That makes me sad, too, b/c I know how much fun you have there and I enjoy you having fun. When we get home I'll read your favorite book to you (or insert other fun activity you can do at home).

[realfoodmom]

Hmmm...she loves spinach and broccoli. :) I guess I could tell her that I'm so mean I make her face the wall and eat non-"'ferganic" food. LOL. That's pretty much what I did the second time around...I'm just not okay with her saying that to anyone and I really want her to learn self-control and not say every thing that pops into her head just because she is mad and disappointed.

[klpmommy]

spinach & broccoli is just our family code word. You could say liver & onions or whatever.

She's 5. She's learning self control. But right now at 5 it is normal & age expected to say things like "Mean mommy". :hug

Two book suggestions:
Dealing with Disappointment (Crary)
Your Five Year Old (Ames) -- although this one is a bit of a controversy here at gcm b/c some of us have experienced not so "sunny & serene" 5 y/o's....but the info is still good.

[Blue Savannah]

My daughter is a bit older. I try to get her to journal about how much she hates me and how mean I am :shifty because she can go back when she's calm and see how. . . silly it sounds. :giggle


Maybe you could teach her to draw a picture to get those feelings out? Is five too young for that?

[Karen]

Honestly, I would play it down. It sound like she is getting a big response from the two you when she says it. That gives her and her words power. I would probably just respond rather casually, "Sorry to hear that dear, perhaps you will change your mind later." I would take away the power of that word but not reacting to it at all.

I would also think about why you want punish her. Is it because she hurt your feelings? If that is it, and please be honest with yourself, that is something you need to control. Your children will do things that are not very nice because they are children. I would be careful of letting your feelings be dependent on their behavior.

[realfoodmom]

It's not that I want to punish her for it... I understand she is five and is trying to make sense of her feelings and anger and disappointed. It's more that I want to reinforce self-control and being responsible for your responses. I really believe children need to learn that it's okay to be angry (or whatever) but it's not okay to sin in that anger. I get angry all the time at people but I don't insult them...I needed to learn that lesson and so does she. Now, I don't think the way I learned the lesson was very effective. It was more guilt inducing ("When you tell your brother you hate him it means you want him to die!" Seriously.) so I'm trying to come up with a better way of teaching her she can't say things like that to people because she is upset.
Both my husband and I were fairly taken aback, I'll admit, because she is generally sweet natured and goes out of her way to be kind, but I'm not interested in punishing her because she hurt my feelings. That's silly. I'm interested in teaching her that words have power and the Bible makes it clear to not use them in a way that brings death and pain, but instead use them to bring life.
Anyway, I like the idea of having her color her feelings. She is newly obsessed with her magnadoodle so I can have her do that when we are home and she says something again.

[Mother of Sons]

I think what you are doing is actually reinforcing it. She knows it will get a BIG response from you and your husband. Next time she wants you to feel as bad as she does, she'll do it again. Mine have all done it around that age. I consider it normal and I don't consider it to be that big of a deal at her age. My kids are older now and none of them say that kind of thing to me. I'm sure my youngest will start soon but having been through it three times already, I'm not really worried about it. Whenever mine would say it I usually just ignored it or said "I'm sure you do. I still love you" :shrug. I didn't give any of them any power with those words. If you feel you really must must must address it, then I would wait until the episode is well past and discuss it then. Not in the moment.

[Rabbit]

At 5, hearing that her words can bring death and pain or life, well, it's not going to mean to her what you want it to mean. To her, she'll hear that she can literally kill you if she tells you to die. That's a set up for some really bad anxiety.

We have a family rule: Use kind words. (A summary of many biblical principles, including "Do unto others" but phrased for preschoolers.)

"'I hate you, mommy' is unkind. I understand you're upset. You'll need to find a better way to express it. Try again."

And if her try again is still without control, I'd remove her to her safe space to recoup, while also running through HALT to see if there's anything else that might be out of whack and that she needs amended to help her regain her control.

[Little Forest]

I think natural consequences definitely have a place, but you can still have a punitive mindset using them.

Remember, disciplining is teaching, not punishing, and you don't always get instant gratification as a parent. But by what you told her in the car, she was disciplined (in the good sense of the word) even it is doesn't feel like it. Yes, I would not use Bible verse memorization as a consequence-like punishment, as that can give her a bad connotation to scripture.

[klpmommy]

She is acting like a normal 5 y/o. And when she is 10 she will act like a normal 10 y/o. And when 15 a normal 15 y/o. And in each of those ages there are challenges. But a 10 y/o or a 15 y/o is not going to act like a 5 y/o. IOW, don't borrow trouble worrying about her doing this when she is older. That doesn't mean you ignore it, it means that you can trust she will outgrow it while you guide her through. When she is older she will give you new challenges. Don't let this one bog you down. :hug

[Stacy]

My daughter is four and I've had it all, too (except hate so far, we've had that "we don't use that word" discussion a few times however). At two, she's stammer out, between HUGE sobs, "I. want. a. new. mommy!" Lately it's been, "BAD, mommy!" "You're MEAN." I've even gotten, "I don't like you, mommy, but I love you." and my personal favorite, "I like daddy better than you!"

Anyway, just wanted to say I've been there, too. :hug2

[LeeDee]

It's totally normal at that age for her to be experimenting with expressing her emotions in big ways. Try to make sure she doesn't end up feeling ashamed. It's hard when you feel so rejected. Believe me, I've so BTDT and still hear it often.

We made an "I hate you" book, where we wrote down alternative words for "I hate you". Like, "I feel very angry right now" or even (the one they prefer because it's more aggressive) "I'm angry at you" or "I feel rejected" or "I wish you wouldn't do that". etc.

Instead of making a big deal out of it, with a book etc though, you could just gently script it. When she says "I hate you" you could say, "words like that can really hurt someone's feelings. Try 'I feel angry' instead".

[Auroras mom]

It's pretty normal. Ames talks about it a lot in the four year old book. (Your Four Year Old: Wild and Wonderful) They are experimenting with words and feelings.

I have heard it from dd a lot, and it just means she is mad. I have explained to her that hate does in fact mean you wish ill or harm on the person and that she probably doesn't mean that. I try to give her other words to use. "Oh, you are reallymad that you may not have atreat right now." blah blah

But to me, right now, at the end of the day, we are communicating andd will eventually get to a more gentle place with our words. So we practice and remind and discuss, but I try not to react - if that makes sense.

[TestifyToLove]

At 5, this is totally normal. She's just testing the power of her words right now. What you do now will have very little relevance for when she is older. Stopping it now will NOT prevent it from reoccuring the teen angst years.

My 11 year old liked to test this concept. I finally had to tell her if she refused to be kind, then she needed to go where I was not until she was ready to be kind again. It stopped and life went on.

Same child now screams that and a whole lot worse on a daily basis. She's struggling with some significant issues right now, in addition to the normal pre-teen girl angst. I don't permit her to stand in front of me and level her tirade of verbal assault, but I'm trying really hard to not give her words power. She doesn't mean them anymore now than she did when she was 4-6. She always comes when she calms down, bawling how sorry she is. I'm far more concerned with trying to help her develop self-control in general than the words she volleys at me.

The only parenting actions I took back the first round of this that helps with the situation now was the relationship and trust that I established with her. Truthfully, I'm a hard-line mother 100% but I've simply learned over the years that age appropriate behaviors will work themselves out no matter what you do. Long term, you teach a child respect, you show respect and you build relationship. That's what sets you up for success as they head for adulthood. And, really, what is our true goal as a parent? To work ourselves out of a job by guiding our children into healthy and strong adulthood.

[realfoodmom]

Thanks for the great ideas! She is my oldest, so every new stage is brand new to us and brings up questions on how to handle it.
We have a very special relationship and I can distance myself from her words now and realize she is trying to sort through some big emotions and doesn't really know how to express herself.
I like the idea of making a little book- maybe with a broader subject matter- on acceptable ways to express her anger, disappointment, sadness, etc.
I think she would like that.
What exactly is HALT?

[Rabbit]

HALT is just an acronym for the stuff to think about when a child has suddenly gone off their rocker.

Hungry, Angry or Anxious, Lonely, or Tired. I add an extra to the H, Hurt. Because if my kids have developed a rash or have a sore that they don't want to think about and thus haven't told me about, it will still impact their behavior. Especially relevant with toddlers still in diapers.

Since children who feel badly act badly, it helps to first address their physiological needs before proceeding with higher level learning involved in discipline.

[Heather Micaela]

HALT is just an acronym for the stuff to think about when a child has suddenly gone off their rocker.

Hungry, Angry or Anxious, Lonely, or Tired. I add an extra to the H, Hurt. Because if my kids have developed a rash or have a sore that they don't want to think about and thus haven't told me about, it will still impact their behavior. Especially relevant with toddlers still in diapers.

Since children who feel badly act badly, it helps to first address their physiological needs before proceeding with higher level learning involved in discipline.
:yes

I remember in the sticky we added and E and D to make it HALTED. E for embarassed and D for Distressed (or Depressed)

[realfoodmom]

We made a little feelings book today. We brainstormed some feelings like sad, angry, happy, loving, silly etc and she drew a face of that feeling. Underneath we thought of ways to appropriately express those feelings and practiced them. I learned that my daughter believes chocolate will cure everything. ;)

[AmyDoll]

When my 6 year old says "I hate you" I say, "It's ok baby, Momma loves you enough for both of us." Really, he can have his big feelings & express them that way.

I learned it here :) HT to allisonintx

[Rabbit]

:haha

I'm not sure she's wrong.

[klpmommy]

I learned that my daughter believes chocolate will cure everything. ;)

it does in my book!

[Mum2Es]

I learned that my daughter believes chocolate will cure everything. ;)

She's absolutely right! :lol

I posted a thread with almost the exact same title a few months back and got some great advice. I'll find it and paste it in.

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=359270

[mokamoto]

:popcorn lots of great ideas :ty4

[realfoodmom]

Unfortunately I can't view that page...I think I have to have at least ten posts. I'll check back when I do!

[susannah]

Great thread. My DS tells me things like that all the time. It's nice to have some ideas in mind for the next time it comes around.

[mom2kando]

I think it was in "Playful Parenting" that I read phrases like this can actually be a GOOD thing, since it means that the child feels safe and secure with your relationship. That is- she knows you will love her no matter WHAT!:heart
so I am thinking that (like others have said) just giving a gentle reminder that phrases like this hurt and sharing some alternative phrases.

---------- Post added at 07:57 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:54 AM ----------

oh oh oh! Also, we just read a sweet book I think will really fit the situation. "Lily's Purple Plastic Purse" It was a birthday gift to my daughter (4 years) and we've read it about 20 times already! LOL!

[tempus vernum]

I have always responded with

"it is very hard to be angry with the people we love"

It has worked very well for us. I'll never forget at around 5 my eldest stomping her foot and screaming "I h.." and stopping at the h and huffing "Hmph. . . it's really hard to be angry with people we love" and storming off

I started crying because all those months of dealing with the I hate you's had finally paid off :happytears

Child 3 is already out of this stage at 4.5yo probably because it means almost nothing to me but development . . . . and time to teach how hard anger is to handle.

I will be honest and say I don't like use playful parenting on this one because anger towards my family has been VERY hard for me to handle so we've approached it calmly and logically :shrug3

[mokamoto]

I teared up reading your post, Sonshine Mama! Thanks for sharing. Anger is such a hard emotion for our family. I really like your script. :heart
I have always responded with

"it is very hard to be angry with the people we love"

It has worked very well for us. I'll never forget at around 5 my eldest stomping her foot and screaming "I h.." and stopping at the h and huffing "Hmph. . . it's really hard to be angry with people we love" and storming off

I started crying because all those months of dealing with the I hate you's had finally paid off :happytears

Child 3 is already out of this stage at 4.5yo probably because it means almost nothing to me but development . . . . and time to teach how hard anger is to handle.

I will be honest and say I don't like use playful parenting on this one because anger towards my family has been VERY hard for me to handle so we've approached it calmly and logically :shrug3

[Sparrow]

I think you have a lot of great advice here. :)

My son is 4.25. It's his new thing to tell me he hates me. He hated me today at the grocery store because I wouldn't buy junk.

I know it hurts (I try not to let it hurt me). I just wanted to share with you something I brought up in another thread regarding this issue. Growing up I would have never imagined telling my punitive mother that I hated her. I thought it all the time but I never said it too her. When I was angry I would tell my gentle father that I hated him. It was the only way I knew how to express my anger, and he was safe :shrug3

I try to remember that when my son tells me he hates me. It makes me feel like our bond is strong, and he feels safe expressing his feelings to me. I just work on helping him express his anger or disappointment in a non hurtful way.
:hugheart

---------- Post added at 05:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:45 PM ----------

We made a little feelings book today. We brainstormed some feelings like sad, angry, happy, loving, silly etc and she drew a face of that feeling. Underneath we thought of ways to appropriately express those feelings and practiced them. I learned that my daughter believes chocolate will cure everything. ;)

This reminded me - there is a book on feelings that Jamie Lee Curtis wrote that Aaron really likes. We read it when we need a time in. It has a little picture at the back that you can adjust to match your feelings you have that day.

[realfoodmom]

I feel so much better reading all these thoughtful replies! Thanks. :heart
I also thought hateful things towards my parents but never said them...I guess I should be glad my daughter feels that safe with me. Look on the bright side and all that. I have a feeling she won't be using that term very much anymore, though, now that we discussed some other options. Today, she was really mad at me because I wouldn't leave my sisters when she wanted to go home. She said, "Mommy, I am so angry that you won't let me go home and get my cowboy hat and you are frustrating me. It's making me nervous." (she uses the term nervous for everything from having to pee to not wanting to clean her room.)
I said, "You're angry and that's okay. I know you want to leave now, but mommy is talking to YA-YA. We will leave in ten minutes."
She started crying and I realized she must be very, very tired so I asked her if she needed a hug and she crawled up into my lap. A few minutes later she got down and played with her cousin. :D

[Sparrow]

:heart

good job mama!