I Don't Know What To Put Here

[susannah]

I'm fairly new to GBD. I've been flirting with the idea for about a year or so, but have only in the last month or so been putting in into practice. I have a 5 yo DS and a 1 yo DD, and feel like I'm at the end of my rope with DS. It seems like the only way to get him to even notice that I'm speaking to him is to yell. I'm aware that part of this is because his whole life he has basically been trained to think "Mommy isn't serious until she's yelling so I can ignore her until then" and partly because he's 5. But I'm clueless on how to really enforce rules now without spanking/timeouts. I tell him I'll take toys away and that is somewhat effective, but not terribly. DH is mostly onboard, but he will still spank if it gets to be a real battle (i.e. last night DS got out of his bed no less than 10 times after bed time, which is fairly unusual. So, DH spanked him.) I've got 3 books lined up on Amazon to buy in a couple of days. Grace Based Parenting, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, and Families Where Grace is in Place. Are there any others you would reccomend? Are there any you would switch out? Is there any advice you can give me now? I really need something like "When this happens, you do this." He flat out refuses to obey sometimes. We're taking other steps already, like altering his diet and cutting back on screen time (which in the past has been nonexistant but has crept back in) We're also seriously cutting back on Grandma time b/c that is where he gets the most TV and sweets. It's hard, though b/c we live about 100 ft from her. We also live in a very pro-spanking environment (we live on family land with my mom, grandparents and two aunts/uncles. There is only one other family here with kids and they are devout Pearlites... I confess I am only recently leaving the Pearls behind myself. Oh, and we all go to church together where where my Uncle... the other one with children [3 boys 6 and under] and a Pearlite, is pastor. The church is also practically in my backyard) Anyway, we are moving in August (hip hip hooray!) and look for the change in environment to positively affect DS but I NEED help NOW!! I feel like I'm losing my sanity. It seems like DS is going through a phase where he just thinks "You can't make me do anything!" He bullies his sister around and tells us that we are being mean/don't love him/are bullies/etc. when we do enforce things (things like going to Grandma's especially, which honestly is all wrapped up in issues) To be completely honest, everything around here is all wrapped up in issues, which is why we're leaving. It really isn't on very good terms, but everyone is pretending it is *sigh* The environment is borderline spiritually abusive and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. We have to hide the fact that we are no longer spanking. I mentioned it to my mother the other day when she picked a switch for me without my asking her to and she couldn't even wrap her mind around the idea. No one here can. Not spanking is thought of as not having any rules at all. Well, I don't know if this is as long as it feels, but thank you for even reading through it. It really feels good just to get all of that off my chest. If you have any advice, I would really really appreciate it.

[MarynMunchkins]

Have you read the 5 step sticky?

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=351415

That gave me a good concrete thing *to* do when I was just learning how to use GBD. :)

[WI Mama05]

I had a long post typed and lost it :( I'm outta time, but wanted to point you to GOYBparenting.com and AOLFF.org both are AWESOME sites run by mamas here who can help you with these principles and give you concrete ideas to help shift your paradigm of thinking.

:hug :pray4

[Codi]

:hug Glad to see you here on GCM!

You are taking good steps. Is your husband on board with not spanking anymore? Is he willing to read any of the books you will be purchasing?

It will take some time for your son to get used to the new way of things, and it may be a little crazy for a time (sounds like it already is though :hug ) But just be consistent and show your son the new you. In time, you will start to see the benefits of GBD.

:pray2

[susannah]

Thanks so much! I will definitely look through these resources! And yes, I do think DH will read the books, and I think that after a time he will become comfortable with no spanking at all.

[Tee]

If both of you are Christians I would add Danny Silk's book Loving Our Kids On Purpose

[rachelserine]

Everything I wanted to suggest has already been suggested - so I just wanted to offer big :hugheart :) I come from a Pearl background too and have an idea of what you're going through. So glad you found GCM and I'm so happy that your DH is onboard! Keep plodding along... it feels like you can never get things right and it feels like everyone is "watching" you and your kids, but it doesn't matter. You are doing the best thing for your family! :)

Also, what helped my frustration (granted, my little one is only 19 months...) was just to release any expectations I had of him obeying or doing what I wanted. Of course, still taking things away if he's hitting with them or whatever, but just expecting him to not obey instead of expecting him to do what I wanted. And being okay with that, knowing that it wasn't about me or him obeying me. That was so freeing for me after coming from a performance = love atmosphere. :P

:heart

[jandjmommy]

Once we (DH & I) took spanking off the table it forced us to find other ways to cope. It gets worse before it gets better (not to scare you off--just expect that). August is not so far away--maybe between now & then you could "blame" your DS's acting out (both with his current issues and due to your changing parenting tactics) on the pending move: "Oh, he's just really stressed out and sad that we're moving" to keep the "village" at bay til you're gone.
I really love "Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline" -- it's very clear on "if this then that" examples and focuses on getting yourself under control so you can calmly manage your children (actually has helped me with dealing with everyone else too); there's a study going on in a thread on here right now for that book.
It's so hard to change to Grace Based Discipline when you are surrounded by punitive-bent family/friends/church. My grandmas were two of the biggest obstacles to get over when we started to change: one grandma flat out told us things like "spare the rod..." and with the other grandma I just felt like when the kids acted out she must think I wasn't doing a good job parenting so I would be overly harsh with them when she was there. I stopped seeing the "rod" grandma as much as possible and I told the other grandma my feelings and asked her to remind me if I started getting upset with the kids when she was around. Much better all around now--your move will help a lot I bet.

[FebFaith]

:hug2 Just wanted to say, "Wow, that sounds really hard."

As far as getting him to obey, I agree with the pp that said, "Stop expecting it." When you need to clean up, don't say anything until you are ready to go make it happen. As you are directing him to the toys, "lets clean up together." "Its time to get a bath" as you are walking him down the hall- ignore the protests. My six year old sometimes refuses and I say, "I know this is a bummer, but this is the way its gotta be." Playful Parenting (a book) has some very good suggestions for playfully moving around defiance. One that I remember and use quite often is giving them what they want in play. For example, "I know you wanted ice cream. Bummer we can't have any now, but we could take a bath in it.... my bath is full of chocolate, ooohhh it is so cold as I step into it....what color is yours?..... " It may not always work and sometimes my child may not want to play. That is ok.

And don't forget HALT. Is your child hungry, angry, lonely, tired? Try to deal with those things first and usually the mood improves. I'm not really the best at GBD. I am learning also. Just wanted to share from my experience.

[AngelaVA]

And don't forget HALT. Is your child hungry, angry, lonely, tired? Try to deal with those things first and usually the mood improves.

I haven't heard this acronym before, I like it :D

---------- Post added at 08:14 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:12 PM ----------

I would start with Families Where Grace is in Place especially since you are up against it in terms of the people you are surrounded with. It is a good foundation for marriages and parenting and it is a quick easy read.

[susannah]

Thank you everyone so much!!! I'm so so so glad I found this place.

---------- Post added at 09:53 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:50 PM ----------

So, if you had to pick Loving Our Kids on Purpose, Grace Based Parenting, or Playful Parenting? Which one would you get? I can only get about 3 right now and I'm pretty sold on the other 2 (ETLDTD and Famlies Where Grace is in Place). :shrug3

[mountainash]

Loving our Kids on Purpose would be last on my list--there are some things in there that could become passive aggressive especially for someone fresh out of the Pearl paradigm (not saying that judgmentally, btw. I've been there, too. :hugheart) I haven't read Grace Based Parenting, so I can't comment on that, but I can say that we use the ideas presented in Playful Parenting with our 5yo daily. :yes :rockon It might help save your sanity, too, to learn some fun ways to connect with your son while you discipline.

Realistically, I wouldn't expect much from your son right now. That is a lot of changes to go through. I think instead of focusing on getting the behavior you desire out of him, for now it might be more helpful to focus simply on building connection with him. Take him some place special and really invest lots of time into building him up. Helping him feel more secure in a time of lots of changes will go surprisingly far on the behavior front.

[AngelaVA]

Loving our Kids on Purpose would be last on my list.

Yeah, this book is okay, there are several parts I don't care for - it could boil down to just a more creative way to be punitive depending on how you interpret it.

[susannah]

Thanks! I think I'll look into Playful Parenting, then. :yes