Ignoring tantrums to make it not worth their while?

[Tuesdayschild]

This is what the psych told me this morning for ds1 (age 7). What you givbe attention to you get more of, so stop comforting him through the tantrum and put him in time out, was her line.

I had an argument with her about time out :shifty

So I stood up for my convictions, but afterwards I was like :scratch :think Maybe there's something in that. With my son many of the behavioral issues are about getting attention. If I give him attention for negative behaviors then am i not perpetuating them?

Bear in mind we are not talking about a 2yo here with no other means to express their frustration.

Thoughts?

[swimming with sharks]

can you give us some examples? There are times with the 5 yr old where she's having a meltdown. I'll do what I can to help her and then I KNOW she's making a choice to dwell and not be done with it. Yelling when I'm in the room, and reading quietly when I leave the room :giggle SO I totally ignore it. If she's making a huge scene I do send her off to her room until she can get herself back under control. It's not a time out cuz she can come out whenever she's calm and as an introvert she needs that alone time to calm down.

[Tuesdayschild]

That makes sense. I suggested to the psych that instead of sending him away I could say, "I am not prepared to listen to this. It hurts my ears. I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready." :shrug3 She said that was what her time out was - time to calm down. But then she was going on about 7 minutes for 7 years :rolleyes I have little time for Supernanny, one-size-fits-all tactics. Anyway, i won't re-hash the argument.

Examples? It's not always loud, yk? He'll not get his way (can we go to the toy store and by toys? No) and then he'll get unpleasant - saying he hates me :rolleyes, he hates one or more of his siblings, take a drawing and tear it up, throw toys around (not full force - he doesn't quite dare - it is all quite deliberate and manipulative)... Hmmm, when I write it like that it sounds like he is looking for a firmer boundary than I'm giving him, and ealrier in the fit. However, i ahve resisted that because I also sense he is doing it to get a rise and so I stay very calm, trying to send the message "None of this will work" but maybe that's what's scaring him :think Acknowledging his feelings never works. Getting angry never works. I can't think of boundaries that will work.

:banghead I find him so so so so so so hard to parent well.

:help

[WI Mama05]

I'm dealing with a lot from my 6.5 year old right now. BIG BIG feelings.

I've done a lot of validating her feelings and letting her have them. If they are LOUD feelings, she needs to go to her bed (her quiet spot) to calm down. I can't keep her from feeling what she does, but if she can't be respectful and quiet (we are in an apt) she needs to go somewhere else to have them :shifty . Consistency is working more and more. If she won't go, I take her (she HATES this, but when I start counting to three, she will get up and move herself). I will have to revamp this when she gets bigger and harder tomove :shifty

:popcorn for other ideas.

[Tuesdayschild]

I hear you. Getting ds1 into the car for dutch class 2 weeks ago in the middle of a full-blown physical "I don't want to go" tantrum was really really hard. And he took his seat belt off mid-drive in a place in town where I couldn't pull over :sigh

ETA: He took the belt off yelling "I want to die. I want everyone to die." It would be funny if it wasn't dangerous. bHe says that because he wants me to be shocked and sad and horrified and don't die darling. It worked once :bag

[Marsha]

at 7? Yeah I don't have a problem ignoirng a tantrum and not comforting at that age (I have a newly 8) And I send her to her room, it's much longer than 7 minutes. She comes out when she's ready.

[Waterlogged]

I guess it depends on whether you want the tantrums to stop. :shrug3

If you see tantrums as a problem, yet you continue responding in the same way, not much is going to change. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. - Einstein....

Problem behaviors communicate different needs....
-I need more attention from mommy
-I'm hungry
-I'm tired
-I am overwhelmed
-I'm trying to get out of doing something

So ignoring the tantrums will work IF you also include a way for him to get what he wants/needs from another avenue. So....if you're sure he's tantruming for attention, then you would want to give him TONS of attention when he's not throwing a fit. Then, when he is throwing a tantrum, you can walk away.

I'm assuming you were seeing a psych b/c he's got some special needs?

[Tuesdayschild]

Yes... emotional poop issues :-/ :yuck

I've decided to pull boundaries in super tight, a zero tolerance approach to anything, from tantrums to rudeness to being mean to his sibs. And I am going to compensate by making as much time as I can with 3 other dc inc. 3mo to be with him in positive ways.

:pray3 it works to give him more equilibrium

[tempus vernum]

I actually see what you are saying about firm boundaries. I know that when my kids are WAY out of control, they need tight boundaries to feel safe.

I also was reading your post and thinking the root of the trouble is probably found in Halted
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Embarassed
Depressed

Usually when things are super out of control I find that.

IRT to meltdowns specifically, at this age, I say "do you want comfort or do you need to work it out on your own?" I have a child who NEEDS me to help them work it out (8) and a child who needs space (10). Meltdowns are totally acceptable in our home (I don't use the word temper tantrum because of the emotional issues it has given me :shifty). BUt sometimes the meltdowns are dealt with away from mama if they get too loud.

[Tuesdayschild]

HALTED makes sense and is helpful to keep in mind... do you ever ask them if it is one of those that is bugging them?

[The Tickle Momster]

I ask mine all the time. I start at hungry & go from there. Usually by the time I've gotten them to eat, they are calmer. Often though, I neglect to go back & deal with whatever the meltdown was about.

[Happygrl]

Have you ever talked to him about getting "stuck"? Recently my daughter said something, after a major meltdown, about how sometimes X is in her mind and she just can't stop because she keeps thinking about X. I took that opportunity to talk about getting "stuck" on something and how to get "unstuck". When she's melting down in a way that isn't angry (b/c then she has no desire to get unstuck :shifty) but more frustrated or sad, I can tell her that she is stuck and she needs to tell her brain to get unstuck. Ways we've talked about helping to get unstuck: coloring, getting a drink or a snack, go outside and run around the yard, me talking to her head/brain and telling it to get unstuck ;), etc.

I hope to be able to move that over to times when she's angry, too. But, for now, we're practicing with sad/frustrated meltdowns. And its getting better.

Do you work much on problem solving? It only occurred to me recently that I could teach DD to brainstorm her own ways to solve problems (v. me offering ideas). Its helped her when she's melting down if I can say something like "What could you do to fix ______?" or "Is there something I could do to help you ______?"

Firmer boundaries...yeah, my daughter needs them sometimes. I tell her something like "If you want to continue with this, go upstairs or outside. Come down when you're calm." This is after a bit of reflecting and an attempt or two to problem solve. I try :shifty to stay very calm when I'm saying it.