Praise

[Rabbit]

Three questions:

Do you use praise as positive reinforcement? (i.e., Little Johnny minded all his p's and q's at dinner tonight, as he is expected but has been having trouble with. Mom and Dad quickly point out his good behavior, and offer praise. "I really appreciate how polite you were with your sister tonight, Johnny, and how quickly you cleaned your plate from the table. Great job, son!")

How do you respond to your children for a job well done?

Is there a "best way?"

[cindergretta]

I do use praise when I "catch" them doing what they are supposed to do. I'm not sure what is the best way. :shifty I just tell them that they did a great job of XYZ. Is there a better way? :bag

[Leen]

:popcorn

[MaybeGracie]

I disagree with the use of praise as a form of behaviour modification *in theory*. I wrote about it in detail here (http://hippiehousewife.blogspot.com/2009/08/behaviour-modification-praise.html), but in summary, I believe that praise has the potential to instill wrong motives in a child, foster praise-dependency, prevent natural learning, reduce risk-taking, and even contradict the Gospel.

*In practice*, however, I'm not always as good at following my own beliefs as I would like to be. :bag I do sometimes catch myself "praising" my children in what I believe to be an unconstructive manner.

I do think that sincere and constructive praise is good. Sincere praise allows us to share in our children's joy, support their endeavours, and provide specific feedback on their actions. But as a form of positive reinforcement? Notsomuch.

In the example in the OP, I would probably just leave off the "great job, son!" I don't think it's necessarily unconstructive or potentially harmful to point out that you appreciated something they did.

For the most part, I respond to my children with a sincere "thank you". I do thank them for doing what I ask of them, but not in an exaggerated, "oh, what a good job you did, thank you so much!" sort of way. If they go above and beyond, I will let them know that I appreciated it in addition to my thanks. "Hey, that really helped me out. Thank you."

As for a "best way", I don't think that can be nailed down so easily. So much depends on the particular situation and the particular child.

[Ellen]

I know you're familiar with How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & LSKWT. I really like the descriptive praise they advocate and it's what I try to do. Ex: "Wow--you cleaned up that whole mess! It took you a long time but you picked up every piece." I don't say "good job" a lot. I try to let the description be the praise.

But I wonder if A. would like it if I made a bigger deal out of praising her.

:popcorn

---------- Post added at 06:29 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:56 AM ----------

Okay, I just saw another thread that this was spun from. I'll add, since someone there asked:
I don't generally praise as a way of providing positive reinforcement for behaviors I want. Like, when my nearly 2 y.o. uses "please" and "thank you," I don't cheer or say "good job" or anything. (I also don't prompt her to say these things--she has learned them through observation). I might smile big because it does please me, and I'll respond appropriately by giving her the thing she's asked for, or saying pleasantly, "You're welcome." I don't see her use of "please" and "thank you" as a performance that is to be applauded; I see it as communication and I respond as such. I think praise tends to emphasize performance.

[Happygrl]

:popcorn

My daughter craves words of affirmation and often asks for it ("Was that nice of me when I did _______?" or something similar). I struggle with finding a balance between meeting that need but also not overdoing the praise.

I tend to say things like "I appreciate you clearing the table without me asking." or "Thank you for using your words to ask for help with Ben instead of screaming." Its not gushing praise in hopes that she'll do X again because I praised her so much. :no I try to make it specific, non-gushing and somewhat limited in frequency (a few times a day, maybe).

[MomtoJGJ]

It looks different for each of my children, but typically for the two older ones it's more along the lines of "Thanks for helping me out" or "I really appreciate it that you two did not fight today... I enjoy being around you two much more when you aren't upset with each other" (which I know sounds horrible, but we've talked extensively about how unpleasant it is to be around people who are fighting) or even "Yes sweetie your picture is very beautiful! I love the way you made the colors mix together here!" all of which might have a quick squeeze or rubbing their head or something... DD1 craves physical affection and I can't stand touching or being touched, so it really is an effort on my part to touch her in some way...

For the 3yo there is a lot more, but not overly done, physical praise... like "give me 5 you did a great job cleaning that spill all by yourself!" or "wow, you picked up all the books without me asking!!!!" She doesn't get much in the way of attention, so things like that feel like they are important for her.

For the baby, she's just now starting to follow commands, so we make a semi big deal out of important things.... Like yesterday she signed and said "more" and then said thank you and we all laughed and said that was great... or, we've been working to have her sit in her chair and not get on the table. So, if she stands up, I'll say "sit down, Evie" and if she does, her sisters will clap for her (she loves clapping) if she seems to be getting up and down to get the clapping we tell her that's not ok at the table and then we stop and get her out of her chair because she's obviously done eating at that point. There's more out and out praise for simply performing an action for her than the others.

For me, I feel like most of the day is spent instructing them (read: fussing at them a good deal) on how to act/react/respond/etc. that I feel I need to balance that with some "good" so while I don't do doting gushing praise over little things, if the've done something we've been working on I will tell them thank you or great job or something like that...

[AngelaVA]

I do think that sincere and constructive praise is good. Sincere praise allows us to share in our children's joy, support their endeavours, and provide specific feedback on their actions. But as a form of positive reinforcement? Notsomuch.



This is my stance as well. I try to notice their accomplishments and share my enthusiasm for them but I don't make a plan that every time they do xyz I am going to say "well done" or some other phrase. Eventually I want them to be able to feel joyful about their accomplishments even if no one is there to give them recognition.

[YolandaWELS]

This is big in our house because when something is done, really well, I praise loudly and with a lot of enthusiasm......

I'm bad.... I love when I see Lulu sharing her drink/toys/fav books with her cousins ... I grab her and kiss her head like 20 times telling her how proud I am.

[titosmommy]

I probably use praise more than I should and dh is worse, but I know for him he is "making up" for something he felt he lacked from his father. His dad never told him he was proud of him and that has really hurt and affected him as an adult. One thing he is good at is stating specifically what made him proud (yes my ds is only 22 months old :bag) He'll say: "You worked really hard to...etc. I'm proud of you. I don't know if that's what we should do, but it's what we do do. :lol
I think taking into account someones love language is important. DH and I struggle becasue words of affirmation are very important to him and so so not to me. If you're child's love language is words of affirmation that is a need they have, but I do think there are ways to do it constructively that are not used for behavior modification. I also think it's important not to make it false praise too. I once heard someone tell me they work on telling kids they worked hard at something rather than the fact their so smart, talented etc. IDK, makes sense, but putting all this into practice :shrug3

[newday]

I know you're familiar with How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & LSKWT. I really like the descriptive praise they advocate and it's what I try to do. Ex: "Wow--you cleaned up that whole mess! It took you a long time but you picked up every piece." I don't say "good job" a lot. I try to let the description be the praise.

But I wonder if A. would like it if I made a bigger deal out of praising her.

:popcorn

---------- Post added at 06:29 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:56 AM ----------

Okay, I just saw another thread that this was spun from. I'll add, since someone there asked:
I don't generally praise as a way of providing positive reinforcement for behaviors I want. Like, when my nearly 2 y.o. uses "please" and "thank you," I don't cheer or say "good job" or anything. (I also don't prompt her to say these things--she has learned them through observation). I might smile big because it does please me, and I'll respond appropriately by giving her the thing she's asked for, or saying pleasantly, "You're welcome." I don't see her use of "please" and "thank you" as a performance that is to be applauded; I see it as communication and I respond as such. I think praise tends to emphasize performance.



this is closer to how we do it now. It is hard for us to change this because the negative effects of praise are not as easy to notice as punitive parenting method effects are.

I love hearing my children pick out what they feel hs been hard work or good work on their part. Or when they love their artwork and don't even ask my opinion, just tell me why they love it. That kind of display of health self-perception is convincing to me that praise is actually counter-productive.

---------- Post added at 08:14 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:10 AM ----------

The idea that child "a" likes the praise more than child "b" would not entice me to do it more. I think it encourages me to help child "a" understand their own self-value and autonomy. Praise works counter to that (in my home, anyway).

[MomtoJGJ]

In my home it's not the praise so much as the attention that they like/prefer more than the other one.... praise, for us, is a super easy way we can give positive attention that isn't straight on a form of teaching or training or redirecting or whatever.

We do typically have specifics in there... like what in their painting we think is awesome or what part of the day was really cool (like if we are all going over our day at bedtime or whatever) along the lines of "My favorite part of today was being able to have dinner and everyone being happy and polite"

[racheepoo]

Speaking as a praise junkie :shifty who was raised on a constant system of behavior=approval, I am very careful not to give meaningless praise or use praise as behavior modification. I have, though, said things I notice such as "I noticed that you picked up your clothes without being asked" and even without the words thank you, he knows it's praise. It somehow means more than good job!

I agree with newday that praise can have negative effects and that most people don't really ever think of it that way. I like Kohn's Unconditional Parenting re: the whole praise thing.

[Waterlogged]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that praise and encouragement is all over the Bible, particularly throughout Paul's letters. I think it's part of our makeup to appreciate/need/want praise. We want God to tell us we're living well and loving well. I certainly want DH to appreciate the work I do around the house, even if it's part of my "job". Something like "The counters look great! You must've spent a lot of time on them today" really helps my morale.

People all receive and crave love demonstrated in different ways. DH needs physical affection, while if I get too much I feel like punching someone. I like being told I'm doing a good job, whereas DH doesn't need it......

I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm just not sure that a blanket statement "we don't do praise" doesn't fully address the issue. Yes, we should want internal motivation for our kids, but I don't think it's fair to the kids to expect more of them than we do of ourselves.

[newday]

Speaking as a praise junkie :shifty who was raised on a constant system of behavior=approval, I am very careful not to give meaningless praise or use praise as behavior modification. I have, though, said things I notice such as "I noticed that you picked up your clothes without being asked" and even without the words thank you, he knows it's praise. It somehow means more than good job!

I agree with newday that praise can have negative effects and that most people don't really ever think of it that way. I like Kohn's Unconditional Parenting re: the whole praise thing.

my oldest daughter is a praise junkie too. It makes me very careful (now...wish I had been more aware and thoughtful when she was younger :doh) to try to guide her thinking so SHE can be pleased with HERSELF.
It is so ingrained in us. The toddler puts his shoes away when he comes in the door, and instead of noticing that he is doing normal family behaviour, we gush and say, "ohhhh. You are such a big boy!!! Good Job, YEAH!!! :cheer." I know it seems harmless enough, but I think it sets up a very unhealthy dynamic and dependency.

A gentle mama friend of mine keeps recommending the Kohn book to me. I guess I really should read that. :)

---------- Post added at 08:50 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:44 AM ----------



I'm not trying to be snarky. I'm just not sure that a blanket statement "we don't do praise" doesn't fully address the issue. Yes, we should want internal motivation for our kids, but I don't think it's fair to the kids to expect more of them than we do of ourselves.

We help develop the internal motivation when we don't praise them :shrug3

I would say that we like it because it is how we have been conditioned.


I am not completely against praise. I just think that the effects are subtle and hidden and we should search out the very best ways to encourage our children to healthy self perception, and that often does not include praise.

---------- Post added at 08:59 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:50 AM ----------

I am deleting my above example because it doesn't make the point I want to make...I'll come back :) (very distracted right now :shifty)

[Waterlogged]

I would say that we like it because it is how we have been conditioned.


And I'd say we like it because it's how we're made. Paul talks of encouragement all through the NT - and I guess I'm not sure what the difference is between praise and encouragement. In addition, Paul certainly uses "praise" in his letters to different congregations -both about the congregation and about specific people.

I am internally motivated to work hard at work, to love others well....but to keep the house clean? I don't think so, cause honestly, it doesn't matter to me (except when people are coming over, but that's out of fear and embarrassment - not internal motivation)....

Do I think praise can be mis- and over-used? Certainly. But my guess is that generally, few of here at GCM would fall in that camp. Praise as a form of "manipulation"? No good. Praise as a display of love and encouragement? Don't see the problem.

[newday]

I think that part of the difficulty is that some people are very specific about word choices and some aren't. We are word people here, so it really matters just how we say things.
Also, the definition of praise is so broad.
here is a general dictionary definition:
1.the act of expressing approval or admiration; commendation; laudation.

When I praise my child's artwork (for example) I think I am taking the focus off of what is really important and placing focus on my own opinion. It isn't intentional (usually) but it is already natural for my children to care so deeply about my opinion that I do not want to encourage it. I actually want to see them move away from caring about my opinion. This is why I don't prefer to say, "ohh, so pretty." Yes, I do realize that that is what some children want very much to hear, but like I mentioned before, I believe it is because they care all too much about my feelings. I would rather them hear me say, "It is clear to me that you spent a lot of creative energy on that." or "Please, tell me about your picture, I want to know your thoughts behind it."
I suppose some people think that is too wordy, but we do talk like that in our home and my children do understand it. I can see it makes them feel good, too, when I show a real interest in their work and I believe that is more powerful and healthy than just praise. [Not to mention, there are times that praise wouldn't come anyway because I just don't like the picture :shifty]

[tempus vernum]

I copied this out of the 4yo thread ;)

I try to use the Becky Bailey approach
1. lots of thank yous : "You did it! You used gentle hands when you wanted my attention. " when we are working on gentle hands.
2. naming the character trait on occasion "Thank you! You spoke in calm, polite voice. That was very polite." When we are working on not whining.

There is a number 3 but I can't remember -- I am re-reading Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline so I'll try to look it up.

BUt I focus on thanking and naming characters I'd like them to be (kind, patient, determined, etc).

I try NOT to focus on "good girl"
I use a lot of "you did it" and "thank you" and then explain what I am talking about without using subjective words like "good, bad, naughty, etc"

[racheepoo]

Praise can be a judgment. That's why teachers put little stickers on things or frowny faces on others. It's reinforcement.

Parents are the first person a child looks to for affirmation that what they did was correct. If we get in the habit of putting OUR judgment on them (determining or giving feedback on things so that they modify what they are doing) they can become little praise junkies constantly after that one positive word to tell them that they are in fact okay.

I want my son to determine whether he did his best, and I certainly do give him affirmation--but it's not the be all, end all. I will often say "what do YOU think about that?" because I don't want him to strive only for my praise. I'm trying to develop his ability for internal feedback, not external :shrug

As far as all of us being created with a need for praise, I believe that this is true. But it's not praise from other flawed people with their own agendas, personalities, and desires. It's praise from our Creator, who is the true source of our need. :heart "when my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will lift me up."

[Waterlogged]

Yes, I do realize that that is what some children want very much to hear, but like I mentioned before, I believe it is because they care all too much about my feelings. I would rather them hear me say, "It is clear to me that you spent a lot of creative energy on that." or "Please, tell me about your picture, I want to know your thoughts behind it."

Is it a bad thing for our kids to care about our feelings? Don't we want our kids to care about others out of love? Yeah, I think it's different if they're trying to please us out of fear or the need to earn our love, but assuming that we're trying to build a love and grace-filled family environment, with kids who have and know a secure attachment to us, then I don't see how trying to please us (in order to demonstrate their love) is any different that us wives wearing skimpy whatevers to please our DHs....

Yes, the language matters. Giving specific feedback is super important.

I suppose some people think that is too wordy, but we do talk like that in our home and my children do understand it. I can see it makes them feel good, too, when I show a real interest in their work and I believe that is more powerful and healthy than just praise. [Not to mention, there are times that praise wouldn't come anyway because I just don't like the picture :shifty]

I don't think it's too wordy. We might be arguing over semantics here (word choice ;) )...but I would categorize what you said above as praise and encouragement....

[newday]

[I am so annoyed, because I just typed out a great big response and then accidently hit something now it is gone. --- I'll be back]

[Waterlogged]

[I am so annoyed, because I just typed out a great big response and then accidently hit something now it is gone. --- I'll be back]

I hate that....

As far as all of us being created with a need for praise, I believe that this is true. But it's not praise from other flawed people with their own agendas, personalities, and desires. It's praise from our Creator, who is the true source of our need. :heart "when my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will lift me up."

Very true. Except that I think God uses the people around us to encourage and lift us up. Perhaps it's semantics, but I do see praise as falling under the "encouragement" umbrella. Encouragement is a huge theme in the NT, particularly in relation to the early church.

Certainly praise can be a judgment. But so can redirection. So can correction and discipline. Obviously we judge our kid's behaviors when they clean up (or not), hit their friend (or not), etc etc. Why is it okay to "judge" in the negative sense, but not the positive sense?

[titosmommy]

Rosanne, I think you make a good point about Biblical examples of "praise" or encouragement. I would tend to agree that we were made for it. I do think you may have hit on something about arguing about semantics. Newday, I think what you are saying is "praise" or words of affirmation, just very intentional. They are getting the attention and affirmation that they need, but it's not shallow, "good girl" and I never even really looked at what you are talking about.

[newday]

Using artwork as an example: I don't know if I want my children to care if I like it or not. :think What if I just don't. How would that affect them? What if I like it but the rest of the world doesn't, what then?

I want my children to do their most creative work and just be pleased with their work. I don't think praise of the actual work accomplishes that. I could be wrong...

posting, but my thoughts are incomplete. i'll be back :)

[HomeWithMyBabies]

Do you use praise as positive reinforcement?

Yup, you could say I do that. :yes I try very hard to be descriptive, and I try to make the praise worth something. I don't have a problem with praise itself, just the use and type.

Kids seeking out approval from parents is normal. IMO it's how they develop their view of themselves, like the function of a mirror. When a child says 'watch me, look what I can do, do you like it' he's also asking who am I? I try to reflect the right image back to them when I praise.


How do you respond to your children for a job well done?

Sometimes I share how I feel, that I appreciate their work and/or efforts. I may point out what they did and ask them how they feel about it too. I mention some of their personal qualities that were used when completely the job.


Is there a "best way?"

I know what works well for both of my dc, I'm not sure I could pick one best way. It's even different between the two boys.

[newday]

Praise can be a judgment. That's why teachers put little stickers on things or frowny faces on others. It's reinforcement.

Parents are the first person a child looks to for affirmation that what they did was correct. If we get in the habit of putting OUR judgment on them (determining or giving feedback on things so that they modify what they are doing) they can become little praise junkies constantly after that one positive word to tell them that they are in fact okay.

I want my son to determine whether he did his best, and I certainly do give him affirmation--but it's not the be all, end all. I will often say "what do YOU think about that?" because I don't want him to strive only for my praise. I'm trying to develop his ability for internal feedback, not external :shrug3

As far as all of us being created with a need for praise, I believe that this is true. But it's not praise from other flawed people with their own agendas, personalities, and desires. It's praise from our Creator, who is the true source of our need. :heart "when my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will lift me up."

that bolded bit is really key in my opinion.

[Waterlogged]

Using artwork as an example: I don't know if I want my children to care if I like it or not. :think What if I just don't. How would that affect them? What if I like it but the rest of the world doesn't, what then?


Maybe there's a difference (in my mind) with artistic endeavors. Though I certainly really like it when someone says they were touched by my clarinet playing. :scratch

[YolandaWELS]

Quite true – I can definitely see how this can feed into their later desire to be “accepted” into an opinion shared by many. I want her to be happy she did her best, but how to keep the focus on what God wants from us? To His glory.

Since it may be difficult to teach children to seek His will – perhaps we as parents are to provide the praise in a God-pleasing manner.

I know when I do something kind or generous – I can’t help but to think that pleases God.

[HomeWithMyBabies]

Using artwork as an example: I don't know if I want my children to care if I like it or not. :think What if I just don't. How would that affect them? What if I like it but the rest of the world doesn't, what then?


When it comes to artwork I've found with my oldest that just talking about the picture is enough for him. Granted, I'm enthused and my voice certainly gets that across, but I'm not one for hiding my feelings with him either. "Wow, look at all the green you used" and "You made so many trees" all put a huge smile on his face and he's satisfied. :) If however he should ask me if I like it, I say yes, absolutely because what's not to like about your kids art. :giggle

[Waterlogged]

If however he should ask me if I like it, I say yes, absolutely because what's not to like about your kids art. :giggle

:spit :lol

[newday]

I might look at my daughter who just made peace between her two brothers and give her a thumbs up. The reason I can do that without feeling like it isn't too shallow is that I know she knows she has done well. :shrug3 It is simply my way of saying "I see you. You are doing well." The thing is, it is never *just* that or even primarily that. I might bring it up in our devotional time the next day. When we are talking about peacemaking and ask for a time that the girls remember being peacemakers. She will remember the example, or maybe her sister will have noticed and bring it up. This is a kind of positive reinforcement that seems to make a real difference to my children's thinking and makes them happy for their own good work. Sometimes at bedtime I will highlight a behaviour or action from the day for each girl where I saw maturity, growth, or a tough good decision. I only have to mention it and ask how it came about or what they thought about it and they are so very pleased with themselves and with my noticing the good.

---------- Post added at 10:02 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:55 AM ----------

rosanne, I hear parents gush endlessly about artwork or dance or other abilities (or non-abilities :shifty) and I have seen more than one child have a hard time reconciling that with the way the world really works. I think the issue is that it is setting the child up for parental affirmation, and eventually, peer affirmation - instead of setting them up for peace and confidence within themselves and their own work.
Does that make sense?
It takes away (to some degree) the love of the dance and puts the priority in the affirmation. If my girls never dance beautifully to the worlds standards, I might not encourage them to be dancers (as an occupation), but I will always encourage them to do what they love :heart

And, I am totally one to get caught up in semantics. You could even call me a pedantic semantic. :rolleyes

[Waterlogged]

rosanne, I hear parents gush endlessly about artwork or dance or other abilities (or non-abilities :shifty) and I have seen more than one child have a hard time reconciling that with the way the world really works. I think the issue is that it is setting the child up for parental affirmation, and eventually, peer affirmation - instead of setting them up for peace and confidence within themselves and their own work.
Does that make sense?


And I see that too, to some extent - it think it goes along with the trend of "over-parenting" or "helicopter parenting". I think the arts have both an internal component and an external component....particularly the performance arts. Yeah, people create because internally they're driven to do so, but they also generally want people to appreciate their artistry.

I play my clarinet for myself, because it fills something within me, but when I play in public settings, I do view it as playing for the enjoyment of others.....and I want it to be liked and appreciated....

I mean, who wants to suck? And sometimes, without feedback, I can't always tell how it all actually sounded (particularly when I'm playing with our modern worship band)....

[jewelmcjem]

I tend to praise for things, not to get a certain result, but if I *know* a child has a difficult time with an issue, and I "catch" them dealing well with, that deserves an atta boy. Duncan hits. He hits when he's angry, when he's excited, just to hit. I have seen him start to swing, literally catch his arm and bring it back. That gets a "good job!". Moira has my temper. Screaming, top-of-the-head-coming-off temper. When I see her deliberately calm herself & gather her self-control, that gets an "I saw that, and I'm proud of the way you handled it". Because I am. I'm not going withhold telling them my proud feelings any more than I would any other feeling.

I grew up in a home where praise was non-existent. I won't raise my kids in one.

[newday]

I am a believer that we need to be real with our children. I do think they need to know how we feel, but we need to as the adults, be able to balance that with the fact that we are very nearly GOD to our children.
The other day Zoë was very slow getting ready in the morning, she didn't follow my instructions, and she was not helpful. I was totally annoyed by her behaviour. My problem was that by acting annoyed, she was able to focus on that instead of her behaviour. I may not have been annoyed (like if I was smoking pot or something) that doesn't change that she made bad choices over and over that morning. She needs to be free to recognize two different things: 1 she made bad choices 2. mama was annoyed -- but to a child who sees me as THE person in her life, you can guess which one she focuses on.

I think it works the same way with praise.

---------- Post added at 10:21 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:15 AM ----------

generally, my feelings need to take a backseat, or expressed "not in the moment" even praise. It tends to mean more and be more worthwhile if I wait until a later point to discuss how something made me feel.

[Ellen]

I'll be back later for more . . . I want to comment on the "semantics" issue (unless someone else gets to it before I do :) ). I think it's useful to distinguish praise from encouragement.

[Waterlogged]

ange that she made bad choices over and over that morning. She needs to be free to recognize two different things: 1 she made bad choices 2. mama was annoyed -- but to a child who sees me as THE person in her life, you can guess which one she focuses on.

I think it works the same way with praise.

But without her mama's annoyance, would her choices really have been "bad"? I'm slow in the mornings (still in my jammies at 10:20am, really should shower while DD is napping), occasionally not helpful, and I often don't follow people's instructions.

If she doesn't care about any of that, then she's not going to have the internal motivation to do it. In her mind, she probably didn't make what she thought to be bad choices - except that it made you mad.

[newday]

yeah, it mattered.
We discussed in the car what the reasons were to do what needed to be done - she brought up a lot of reasons that were her own reasons. But it took me saying, "I am not annoyed right now. Sorry I was short with you. Let's pretend I wasn't at all annoyed. What then???" Then she went on to describe what her actions were or were not doing. :)

[ValiantJoy07]

:popcorn

[newday]

Things I say as encouragement, and I suppose they could be considered instead of conventional praise (good job):
" You cleared the table without me asking you! Do you remember the characteristic that exemplifies? (taking initiative) When you do that it frees us up to move right into our snack time - Awesome :tu "

"I saw you being so gentle with Elijah when you were putting his shoes on him, and it looked kind of frustrating, but you were patient." (Then she tells me all about it) "Well done!"

"When you are so gentle towards Josiah, do you know what you are teaching him?" (Gentleness) "Do you think that will be a benefit to him someday? How bout to you??"


Those are some of the ways I speak which I believe encourage my children, cause introspection, and affirm their good works. I do say, "Thank you, that is so helpful to me right now." "Good thinking it through." "Way to go." "I appreciate it when you are so considerate of the sleeping people in this house :shifty :giggle." But, I hope that my praise isn't the focus and I try not to make it so. And I cut back if I see a child who is seeking it out...then I think there are things we need to work on where the praise can really get in the way or mask deeper needs.

And we often ask each other if our actions are pleasing to God, if we are copying him... (but we usually save it for the positive things, it just seems to come out on it's own with the negative :))

---------- Post added at 11:00 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:57 AM ----------

sorry if I am being a thread hog :O -- guess I have a lot to say on this topic.
Pity it doesn't make it automatically useful :doh :giggle

[cindergretta]

I think praising dc for doing something correctly is the same as correcting them for doing something wrong. :shrug3 If my dc are constantly needing me to tell them to wash their hands before dinner and on Tuesday, they all go and wash their hands without a reminder from me, I am absolutely going to positively reinforce that - "Thank you for washing your hands without waiting for me to tell you!"

Praise shouldn't be mindless prattle nor should it ever be given where it isn't earned. ("Wow sweetie, you played a GREAT game!" When in reality the child watched the grass grow, distracted team-mates, and generally clowned around.)

I believe in specific praise for specific actions, etc. I don't believe in "good" or "bad" girl/boy. :no That is generic and confusing. For most people, most of the time, actions are good or bad, not people. And the actions get the praise or correction.

In terms of internal motivation - I am not much internally motivated. :shrug3 I want my house to be tidy so I won't appear to be a slob. I want to look good so my dh will compliment me. Otherwise, I might decide to let the house completely go while I hang out in bed eating yummy junk. :-/

As far as art work goes, we don't praise for that. :scratch We ask questions about the work, we discuss the way it was done, the media used, the color choices, etc. But all art work is personal and not subject to good or bad. If we are going to praise "good" work, are we going to correct "bad" work? Is there any such thing as bad art work? :scratch

Praising art work (IMO) falls under the mindless prattle of unearned praise. I might praise the effort. If my dd works day after day to perfect her new song on her violin, I am going to praise that effort and dedication. Even if it sounds like she is torturing the poor instrument. :shifty OTOH, if another dd scribbles on 17 pieces of paper with a pencil, I will likely just acknowledge the sheer volume of paper used (in a nice way, not a corrective way) and move on, as no particular effort was put out. :shrug3

[newday]

I have told my children I am proud of them, but I don't think it is my best encouragement for them [again, maybe I am mistaken ?]

What I have found was a better way for me to say it, "you stood up for what you believed was right, even when no one else was. That is a very difficult thing to do!! I hope you feel proud about that, what a big deal!

The other day we had a tornado nearly touch down at bedtime, so we all went down to the basement. We brought a book and talked and read. When all was calm and papa told us we could come upstairs, Eva said, "Do you mean the tornado is gone?" Ted nodded. Eva said, "Oh! I am so glad. I was very scared." And started crying. The thing is, although I want my children to let me know how they are feeling, she showed so much maturity waiting until after the fact to let loose. It was an emergency and she handled it like an adult! (I could see in her eyes she was scared, but you couldn't tell with the way she was acting or talking -- I didn't dare bring it up while we were in the basement...) My dh looked at Eva and said, "Eva, you did just what needed to be done. You were responsible and quick to listen, helping with your brothers, and you did it even though you were scared. Being scared and acting the way you did is called courage. Well done, Eva." :heart I expressed to her later that I was glad to know she had been scared and that after emergencies I often cry :)
So you could say he was praising her, but I think it is bigger than that.
Maybe someone else has a better way to describe it... :think

[cindergretta]

:think I think it was praise. A lot of parents, in that same situation, would have reprimanded a child for crying during the event. "You need to stop crying. Be a big girl. Your tears aren't helping and are making this worse. Stop. You are scaring the other children." Etc., and so forth. :( Your dd maintained her composure. And that composure was acknowledged, praised, encouraged. (Pick your word! ;) ) And had she broken down during the scary part, you would have just comforted her and cared for her with no words spoken on the "appropriateness" of the actions.

[HomeWithMyBabies]

And, I am totally one to get caught up in semantics. You could even call me a pedantic semantic. :rolleyes

:giggle


generally, my feelings need to take a backseat, or expressed "not in the moment" even praise. It tends to mean more and be more worthwhile if I wait until a later point to discuss how something made me feel.

I can see how I might do that in certain situations too. Most of the time though, my emotional response is a natural consequence I don't want to block, so I often state how I feel about something. :think

[racheepoo]

I'mma just let newday talk for both of us because she's saying all the same things I think about this subject :giggle

Re: Music, or performance for others. I have found that encouragement from others is helpful when I'm trying to master something or if I need to keep going. But if I know I have done my best, their praise simply feeds my ego or lack of praise makes me wonder why I wasn't good enough :shrug I do not want to rely on what other people think about what I do.

I have seen the emptiness that withholding praise (but I call it love, honestly) does to a child...and I've seen the opposite end of the coin (like me, who struggles daily when I don't hear how great I am). Guess what? I don't hear how great I am even once in a while anymore :shrug It has been a huge struggle and self-esteem problem because I was literally fed on praise, grew up to believe that unless I got it I was doing something wrong, until the point where even people giving me praise wasn't enough. If they say the meal is "fine," I don't think that's really enough so I feel badly unless they say it was "great." See what I mean? :shrug It's external motivation.

[YolandaWELS]

How does the generator of praise play a role – kids aren’t seeking input from kids – they are looking for an adult for that affirmation. If I’m not around, I hear dd asking dh for confirmation of doing something especially nice. Perhaps it’s a childs desire to be lead more so than looking for acceptance……

Lulu’s young cousin struggles with pronouncing “l” love is wub etc….. She figured out how to say “little” correctly and was so proud of herself. I mean she was sooooo happy, she was almost in tears. Realizing how important it was to her, we all celebrated.

Incomplete thoughts here as well – It’s EOQ and I should be in revenue creation mode but this is interesting!!! Quick reading, quick typing….

** I can appreciate the comment made earlier on those children who need consistent reminders ...and when they do something w/o my reminder….etc etc

[racheepoo]

My dh looked at Eva and said, "Eva, you did just what needed to be done. You were responsible and quick to listen, helping with your brothers, and you did it even though you were scared. Being scared and acting the way you did is called courage. Well done, Eva." :heart I expressed to her later that I was glad to know she had been scared and that after emergencies I often cry :)
So you could say he was praising her, but I think it is bigger than that.
Maybe someone else has a better way to describe it... :think

:heart

:think I think it was praise. A lot of parents, in that same situation, would have reprimanded a child for crying during the event. "You need to stop crying. Be a big girl. Your tears aren't helping and are making this worse. Stop. You are scaring the other children." Etc., and so forth. :( Your dd maintained her composure. And that composure was acknowledged, praised, encouraged. (Pick your word! ;) ) And had she broken down during the scary part, you would have just comforted her and cared for her with no words spoken on the "appropriateness" of the actions.

I think it was more than simply praise. I think it was connecting the action to development of character, naming what that was, and making sure the child noticed that *you* noticed. It goes so far beyond praise, IMO.

[cindergretta]

:heart



I think it was more than simply praise. I think it was connecting the action to development of character, naming what that was, and making sure the child noticed that *you* noticed. It goes so far beyond praise, IMO.

And I would submit that any time we secifically name the action and encourage it, we are doing exactly what you have written here - and it is praise. It might go deeper, but that doesn't stop it from being praise. :shrug3 Isn't the *point* of praise to show that we have noticed their actions? :scratch I praise so my dc *know* that I see when do well, much as I notice (with correction or discipline) when they don't.

(I think I see what you have written as fancy words that say the same thing I was saying. :think It is still character development if we don't specifically spell out - this is character development. :think )

[racheepoo]

Praise to me is not connecting it to anything other than my value judgment :think And although it could be kind of the same thing to say, this is xyz (and that's great, is implied) I think it teaches them to analyze it more fully than just saying WOW you were so brave! Yanow? I'm starting to get myself all cornfused. :P~

[cindergretta]

Praise to me is not connecting it to anything other than my value judgment :think And although it could be kind of the same thing to say, this is xyz (and that's great, is implied) I think it teaches them to analyze it more fully than just saying WOW you were so brave! Yanow? I'm starting to get myself all cornfused. :P~

I can totally appreciate the confusion! :crazy2

I think for the purpose of this thread (and definitely for me) praise is specific. It isn't random or generic or generalized. It is using precise language to acknowledge specific actions/behaviours/whatever. (I thought I said that earlier, but maybe I only thought it! :doh )

[racheepoo]

It's entirely possible that you said it several times and I just missed it :shifty

[cindergretta]

It's entirely possible that you said it several times and I just missed it :shifty

Which leads to the idea that we are both entirely too inside our own heads! :lol :hug

[MomtoJGJ]

ok so praise/punishment versus encouragement/correction might be where the semantics come in?

so with this example... small child fell off trying to ride his bike without training wheels...

praise/punishment - you're such a big kid /stop being a cry baby

encouragement/correction - you kept pedaling and put your feet down when you felt it falling!/let's clean that up so you can try again!

I know it's a horrible example, but the baby is getting into stuff...

?? is that how you feel it's different? I'm trying to figure out how some of the examples here aren't praise....

[cindergretta]

I like your example! :tu I think it goes a little beyond that, though. I think (and I could be totally wrong here :bag ) that the issue is actually more like - is praise encouragement? Is praise just praise? Is encouragement praise?

I don't see encouragement as praise, necessarily. But I do see praise as encouragement. :crazy Did that make any sense???

[racheepoo]

Oh dear, I'm starting to be able to read your posts you don't think make sense :giggle

[cindergretta]

Oh dear, I'm starting to be able to read your posts you don't think make sense :giggle

Now that can't be a good thing! :lol

[racheepoo]

ok so praise/punishment versus encouragement/correction might be where the semantics come in?

so with this example... small child fell off trying to ride his bike without training wheels...

praise/punishment - you're such a big kid /stop being a cry baby

encouragement/correction - you kept pedaling and put your feet down when you felt it falling!/let's clean that up so you can try again!

I know it's a horrible example, but the baby is getting into stuff...

?? is that how you feel it's different? I'm trying to figure out how some of the examples here aren't praise....


I think I think of praise more like GOOD JOB! and encouragement more like You kept pedaling, etc etc. ::think

[Waterlogged]

I'm not going withhold telling them my proud feelings any more than I would any other feeling.

I grew up in a home where praise was non-existent. I won't raise my kids in one.

It seems like with most things, either extreme re: praise is no good.

Things I say as encouragement, and I suppose they could be considered instead of conventional praise (good job):

i think semantics again...:)

I think praising dc for doing something correctly is the same as correcting them for doing something wrong.

Well said....

How does the generator of praise play a role – kids aren’t seeking input from kids – they are looking for an adult for that affirmation.


Probably because adults are their primary teachers....

I like your example! :tu I think it goes a little beyond that, though. I think (and I could be totally wrong here :bag ) that the issue is actually more like - is praise encouragement? Is praise just praise? Is encouragement praise?

I don't see encouragement as praise, necessarily. But I do see praise as encouragement. :crazy Did that make any sense???

Yes, I agree. Encouragement takes many forms - praise certainly is encouraging for most people.

[MaybeGracie]

I play my clarinet for myself, because it fills something within me, but when I play in public settings, I do view it as playing for the enjoyment of others.....and I want it to be liked and appreciated....

I mean, who wants to suck? And sometimes, without feedback, I can't always tell how it all actually sounded (particularly when I'm playing with our modern worship band)....

Is it praise you want, or feedback? I prefer to give my children the latter, as I believe it to be more meaningful and useful.

I'mma just let newday talk for both of us because she's saying all the same things I think about this subject :giggle

Ditto. :giggle

[Waterlogged]

Is it praise you want, or feedback? I prefer to give my children the latter, as I believe it to be more meaningful and useful.


I'd rather people like it enough to say something. If I'm seriously looking for music-specific feedback (pitch, tempo, balance, blend, etc) I'll ask another musician.

I think positive "feedback" can be seen as praise. It's not empty praise, by any means, and it was probably earned, but.....:shrug3 IMO, still praise.

[cindergretta]

"You played that piece so beautifully it brought tears to my eyes." Praise. But also feedback. ;)

"It sounded like you went a little flat from bar 16 to bar 20." Constructive criticism. But also feedback. ;)

I guess there are just a lot of things that have dual - rolls. They can be praise AND something else, too.

[racheepoo]

But also someone else's opinion, thus leading to extrinsic motivation :giggle

[Waterlogged]

But also someone else's opinion, thus leading to extrinsic motivation :giggle

except that there are some things you don't know without someone else's opinion. i don't know how the band sounds out in the auditorium. i don't know if i was miked enough/not enough.

i would put out there that....our kids don't "know" something is right without us sharing our "opinion" on it. And what's "right" to you might not be "right" with me (I let my DD climb on the couch. But I don't let her wander around with her milk cup). I don't know how we can think we're parenting without imparting our opinions on our kiddos - both positive and negative.

[racheepoo]

No, I agree with you :yes it's just that for the most part, I want him to think about the "why" behind things rather than just taking my word for it. Whether positive or negative. I'm sure a lot of this stems from my own upbringing where I was never allowed to question :shrug

[Waterlogged]

call me dumb, but I guess i don't get the connection between learning the whys and praise???

i don't think specific praise hinders critical thinking.

[racheepoo]

I would never call you dumb :hug I don't think specific praise hinders critical thinking. I do think it can hinder intrinsic motivation, if overused :shrug

[MaybeGracie]

I think we're all pretty much saying the same thing, just calling it by different names. ;)

[racheepoo]

That is because we all rock. :rockon

[MaybeGracie]

That is because we all rock. :rockon

:giggle :rockon

[cindergretta]

That is because we all rock. :rockon

Is that praise? Or encouragement? Or is it actually feedback? :think

:laughtears :grouphug

[racheepoo]

I expect you to all be intrinsically motivated by now! :giggle

[MaybeGracie]

This thread is officially crashing and burning...:roll

[racheepoo]

that's my favorite :cool

[Ellen]

Here's another angle that I'm not sure has been mentioned yet:
A parent or teaching offering praise (or any judgment) can short-circuit the child's process of forming her own judgment. Instead of telling the child what I think (about a painting, an essay, a t-ball game, an interaction with her brother), why not ask her what she thinks about it?
On the other hand, if I offer an objective description about what I saw, it points the child back to her own work or her own actions, where she can reflect on it too and draw her own conclusions about it.

[cindergretta]

Here's another angle that I'm not sure has been mentioned yet:
A parent or teaching offering praise (or any judgment) can short-circuit the child's process of forming her own judgment. Instead of telling the child what I think (about a painting, an essay, a t-ball game, an interaction with her brother), why not ask her what she thinks about it?
On the other hand, if I offer an objective description about what I saw, it points the child back to her own work or her own actions, where she can reflect on it too and draw her own conclusions about it.

Personally, I am more inclined to do that when they ask me - how did I play today? Do you like my picture? Was that nice when I shared with him? Almost without fail, I will ask - how do you think you played? What do you think of your picture? Do you think it was nice?

:)

[Ellen]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Waterlogged]

glad we've decided we all rock. i was running out of insight.

off to a playdate...

[Auroras mom]

At the moment, I do not have time to read the entire thread, so have just read the first page so far. Recently, people in my church found out I don't "praise" per se, and they were flabberghasted and truly think I am an awful mama.

I think it is important when wanting to give praise to reflect on your motivations. I think much of the praise given to children is manipulative and/or dismissive. Manipulative praise has as its objective the reinforcement of behavior. This is fundamentally flawed, I think, but I admit to occasionally falling prey to it.

Dismissive praise is when we are inexact and super quick to praise - "Great job, son" (back to surfing the web). "That is awesome artwork!" (back to doing the dishes). They know in their hearts that they are not being seen or validated, so they feel sad and angry. Yet they seek mroe praise.

I also think broad praise that is labeling of them and that is not exactly true resonates inside of them as false and creates more insecurites. "You are the best artist ever!" "You are so smart!" "That was the best cake I have ever had!" The child knows in their heart that this is not true, which makes them mistrustful and self-critical. They can become fearful of trying something again, for fear that the truth will come out, they will be exposed as frauds, and they will lose love and respect.

I like to use (cautiously) descriptive praise, thank you's, and general appreciation.

"Wow, I see you tried really hard at learning how to do that. It was a struggle, but you kept at it, and you learned a new skill. That's what I call persistent!"

"You really worked hard today at considering your friends' feelings abd you worked through any conflict peacefully and kindly. That makes my heart feel happy."

"That was really sweet and thoughtful when you did xyz."

"I know it was hard for you, but apologizing to grandma was a great way to maintain that relationship. I know it made her feel good."

With an art project brought to me - I turn it back on her. "Hmm, why did you use this color? What do you think of it? what is it about? What does it mean to you?" I try to use "non-evaluative" language when possible and let her figure out what she thinks of things herself.

I confess to praising her beauty way too much, but dang it, I find her gorgeous to look upon. I need to stop that. I try to recognize her strength - and say things like "Wow, God gave you such strong muscles and a fit body - I love to see you swimming/climbing/etc."

[mariposa]

So many helpful insights in this thread...I try to be very mindful about how I encourage/praise ds. I work to engage with him rather than praise him especially when it comes to artwork, building, sports, etc. Like, "What kind of building did you build?" instead of "nice building". I guess the reason I don't want to praise him all the time is because I think it starts to sound meaningless. I joked with dh one night after both of us had praised ds earlier in the day for something very ordinary. I said "good breathing J", "great job breathing". We both laughed because it's not the norm for us, but it's troubling that I often hear praise given to children including my ds for basic stuff. Which leads to a question...what do you do when others overpraise your child?

[MaybeGracie]

So well said, Tonya (if you'll pardon the praise ;)).

I confess to praising her beauty way too much, but dang it, I find her gorgeous to look upon. I need to stop that. I try to recognize her strength - and say things like "Wow, God gave you such strong muscles and a fit body - I love to see you swimming/climbing/etc."

I struggle with this as well. I find my boys to be positively gorgeous and I tell them so, more than I should, likely. I think I would struggle even more if I had daughters, because while I want them to value inner beauty, I also want them to feel beautiful in their own skin (not that boys can't also struggle with self-esteem issues when it comes to their appearance, but it does seem to be a particular weakness of girls).

[Auroras mom]

So well said, Tonya (if you'll pardon the praise ;)).





Uh huh - if I was a dog, I woulda just wagged my tail. Total praise junkie here - or just attention junkie, if you will.

[racheepoo]

The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf is a really important book IMO :shrug

[Quietspirit]

I've skimmed the thread but haven't had time to read thoroughly.

To answer the OP:

I do use praise with my children. I use specific praise/encouragement as well as "great job" praise. I tend to follow "great job!" with "You really kept your feet on the ball in that soccer game today".

I think we need to praise our children specifically when they have done something well or shown a wonderful character quality in a situation. Just as correction is needed, so is praise.

I tend to view praise as identifying what a child (or adult for that matter) has done well and how they have done well. So I will say "You cleaned up the dishes tonight for me. Thank you! That really showed iniative." with one of my older children. Or with my 6 year old "Wow! I really love that picture you drew. You used all the crayons in your box on that! What do you like best about it?"

I also think we tend, as a society of parents, to overanalyze everything. Today's parents tend to overthink and overparent, in general, and in my opinion. ;) But that's probably a spin-off thread! :giggle

[Ellen]

I also think we tend, as a society of parents, to overanalyze everything. Today's parents tend to overthink and overparent, in general, and in my opinion. ;)


Never!
:snooty
:giggle

[racheepoo]

I resent the implication that I'm overanalyzing something that took me years to formulate by overthinking. :snooty

[cindergretta]

I love that we can all come here and share thoughts and ideas and still laugh and be silly! :heart It is a great way to see other POVs and learn new ways of thinking! :tu

:gcm

[naturemama1]

I am a hopeless praiser of babies. I can't help myself. Most of my interactions with them are along the lines of, "Yay!" "There you go!" "Look at you!" "Whee!" LOL.

With the older kids, I would like to think that my praise shifts more into descriptive praise/encouragement -- reflecting their accomplishments, assigning positive intent, letting them know that I notice their actions, and putting their decisions into the context of past discussions about character and the family relationships -- so it's really interesting for me to consider how much of this is, actually, just praise.

I guess for me, praise with the motivation of changing their behavior is what I try to avoid. Encouragement, positive reflection, and compliments are good with me.

[Ellen]

I have to say it's adorable to watch K. praise herself, and no doubt she learned it from others praising her. She'll climb the big play structure at the park and say, "Yay, Ta-ta!" or "I did it!"

[naturemama1]

Hee! I first realized I had a problem with mindless praise when my oldest daughter was two, and would sit there scribbling away on a piece of paper, saying to herself, "Good job! GOOD job!" :blush

[newday]

geez, leave a thread for a while and it gets completely out of control!! :giggle

AWESOME :tu

I agree that we all rock :shifty :mrgreen

[racheepoo]

I had to wrap it up, you stopped coming back to say what I was thinking and I got confused :shrug

[cindergretta]

Yes, praise can lead to high self-esteem. :giggle When my niece was about 5, she was walking in the park with my sister. She passed a bench where two women were conversing in Russian. She looked up at my sister and said, "Know what they're saying, mama? They are saying, 'There goes the cutest little girl in the world!'"

:laughtears

---------- Post added at 06:16 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:14 PM ----------

I had to wrap it up, you stopped coming back to say what I was thinking and I got confused :shrug

:spit :roll

[Momma2Luke]

I disagree with the use of praise as a form of behaviour modification *in theory*. I wrote about it in detail here (http://hippiehousewife.blogspot.com/2009/08/behaviour-modification-praise.html), but in summary, I believe that praise has the potential to instill wrong motives in a child, foster praise-dependency, prevent natural learning, reduce risk-taking, and even contradict the Gospel.

*In practice*, however, I'm not always as good at following my own beliefs as I would like to be. :bag I do sometimes catch myself "praising" my children in what I believe to be an unconstructive manner.

I do think that sincere and constructive praise is good. Sincere praise allows us to share in our children's joy, support their endeavours, and provide specific feedback on their actions. But as a form of positive reinforcement? Notsomuch.

In the example in the OP, I would probably just leave off the "great job, son!" I don't think it's necessarily unconstructive or potentially harmful to point out that you appreciated something they did.

For the most part, I respond to my children with a sincere "thank you". I do thank them for doing what I ask of them, but not in an exaggerated, "oh, what a good job you did, thank you so much!" sort of way. If they go above and beyond, I will let them know that I appreciated it in addition to my thanks. "Hey, that really helped me out. Thank you."

As for a "best way", I don't think that can be nailed down so easily. So much depends on the particular situation and the particular child.

This is pretty much what I believe.

I'm not into praise as a form of behavior manipulation ... I also catch myself doing this at times :blush...but trying hard to correct this about myself.


But as cynthia mentioned, I think that there really IS a place for supportive and sincere praise. In fact I would NOT feel comfortable withholding supportive and sincere praise...

I sometimes think that in a parent-child relationship, praise is just something that instinctively children look for from their parents and something we instinctively want to provide..
Of course, moderation is key...a people-pleaser is not what I'm trying to nurture in my son...

But how many times have you heard grown men and women complain about their parents saying things like "All I ever wanted was for my dad tell me he was proud of me. Or that I did a good job." Children instinctively WANT our praise....

And as I mentioned in another thread... Dr. Neufeld himself recommends praise when collecting your child.

How do I respond to my child regarding a job well done? with joy! Sometimes I celebrate with him... sometimes I ask him how he feels about it. Sometimes I tell him I like how he kept trying. Sometimes I tell him I'm proud of the person he is. Sometimes I tell him I love what he's done.

I can't really say if there is a best way... but I don't subscribe to a parenting styles that withholds ALL praise... and I don't subscribe to one that uses praise as a means to obtain desired results... but I think it does have a place in building a connection and relationship with our child.

[Ellen]

I think it does have a place in building a connection and relationship with our child.

I like that emphasis. :heart

[Quietspirit]

:giggle I love the silliness as well as the serious thoughts in this thread. It's been fun to see the differing styles/opinions in this topic..while maintaining the lightheartedness! :heart

[Sparrow]

I probably use praise more than I should and dh is worse, but I know for him he is "making up" for something he felt he lacked from his father. His dad never told him he was proud of him and that has really hurt and affected him as an adult.

This is me. I didn't receive much affirmation for any of the "good" that I did, but I certainly did know when I failed.

When A has made an effort to stick to the rules when we are out I tell him "Thank you for following the rules, isn't it so much better to leave the mall happy?" I do this because so many times the rules are broken, and I'm less than happy about it :bag

[nadezhda]

This is a very interesting thread! I'm so glad I found it. I was a bit confused initially, thinking, "Why wouldn't I praise my children?" :scratch But I don't use praise as a form of behavior modification (at least, not intentionally). :shifty I do praise my children for appropriate behavior and yes, even "expected" things, like using manners or clearing the table, simply because I sincerely appreciate their efforts. So many times in my own home growing up, I got the idea that if something wasn't done well enough, then it wasn't worth doing. As in, I would spend the entire Saturday cleaning my room, and one of my parents would come in and say, "Well, it looks better, but what about...?" or "Why didn't you...?" As a PP said, all I wanted was for them to be proud of me and/or appreciate my efforts. The responses I got absolutely crushed me, probably b/c my LL is WoA. As a result, I may be over-enthusiastic with my praise :shifty, but even I like to know my day-to-day "expected" behaviors (cooking, cleaning, parenting, teaching, etc.) are appreciated by others and that my DH and/or my DC think I'm doing a good (enough) job. :)

[kbchavez]

This is pretty much what I believe.

But how many times have you heard grown men and women complain about their parents saying things like "All I ever wanted was for my dad tell me he was proud of me. Or that I did a good job." Children instinctively WANT our praise.... child.

My thoughts on praise:

I think it's a bit like craving sugar... Your body doesn't want it because it is good for you. it craves it because it isn't getting something healthy that it needs (I believe natural sweets provide minerals and easy to digest energy that our depleted and digestively stressed bodies want). I don't believe children want evaluative, judgmental praise from their parents. I believe they want unconditional acceptance and positive regard. The people who grow up to wish their parents would have said "I'm proud of you" feel that way because they felt judged as "not enough" by their parents. They felt like they never measured up, and think this was because they weren't praised. I WAS praised, and still feel like I can never be enough. I think children want parents who delight in their existence... Who look at what they created and declare it good, just because it is. I think descriptive praise is great, because it is essentially NOTICING the positive actions of your child and showing them you are paying attention and see the good in them. I think doing this kind of praise also helps the parent to cultivate a positive view of their child, which then flows out of them at other times as well.