I need to discipline my son/s...

[Naxi]

I am not even sure what to write here, but I need some help, so please bear with me.

Background: My parents disciplined us with a combination of hidings (only a few) and then threats of hidings. The most "effective" discipline method they used was ostracisim, whereby no one in the family was allowed to talk to you for whatever the time specified was. (I find this hard to reconcile with the fact that they were very loving people, but then it was a very different era.)

My husband grew up in a family where spankings with a feather duster were the norm.

Anyway: This is NOT what I want to do for my kids, but I find when I get completely frazzled, it is the automatic response. (Eek!) I am praying for more grace and reading inspirational things, but sometimes it is a long journey.

Specifically: My (just) 4yo is driving me crazy. He gets really rough. He beats up his little brother a LOT (nearly 2yo), but I don't think he means it so much as that he wants rough and tumble and his little brother is too little for the sport. He often at the moment knocks him down. He wants to play horse rides with him, but my LO is too little to be the horse (just imagine!) He also plays too roughly with some of his friends, too.

As well as rough and tumble, he wants my attention. I am currently pregnant (unexpectedly) with #3, so I am slow moving. His little brother needs attention and so does my big boy. However, both boys are infinitely jealous of any attention that I pay to the other. This results in "naughty" behaviour.

I don't know how to remove him from a situation. He thinks that is funny because I am giving him attention. He will run away, so that I have to chase him. If I don't then he has gotten away with the naughtiness. Sometimes removing him from a situation means a "punishment" (for want of a better word) for the whole family. For example, why should my little one have to leave a park with his friends if his brother misbehaves? If we put him in his room he gets so distressed that he can't even understand it is a consequence; if we stay with him, he gets what he wants.

I am completely worn out with this at the moment. It doesn't sound like much but this is just a few examples - he doesn't want to do anything I ask unless we are right on top of him, and even then it is just in his own time. It is continuous, all day.

What natural consequences can I use?
What else can I do? (I DO try to give him lots of positive attention, too.)

I need to get a handle on this,

Natalie

[olive]

I have girls, but I would say read up on older threads and articles to get ideas and a good sense and encouragement about parenting this way. My only thing to add is that friends of mine with boys don't allow them to wrestle with each other, only wrestle with dad (prevents them getting so rough with each other). All the best :)

[mommy2abigail]

I'd work a LOT on preventative parenting. Giving them lots of time to run and get all that energy out. A few things we've done that help (I have girls, but they are highly energetic too!) is jump on a mini-trampoline (I found one at the thrift store for just a few dollars), slide on a slip and slide in the back yard, swim, run races, simon says, throw a play ground ball, ride bikes/trikes, and go to those bounce house places.

I find that the more their energy is pent up and we are inside, the more their behavior reflects it. As for the rough housing, I'd show big brother acceptable ways to play with little brother first. I'd talk to him (in a calm moment) about how he is so big and that his baby brother just can't do all of the same things, and that you need his 'help' when playing with him. (My dd LOVES the idea of helping me) When it gets too rough, I'd give one warning, so he knows that is the limit, lots of times, he is probably just getting caught up in the play and doesn't even know he has crossed the line, you know? If he can not stop his body, I'd go and gently get him off. I'd reiterate that what he was doing was too rough and suggest or ask him to suggest a different way of playing. If it happens again, I'd have him sit with me for a 'break'.
It's not the same as time out, the point would be to help him calm his body. I see it like when I'm having a rotten day and everything is just going bad, how would I like my husband or best friend to help me? I would NOT want to be sent to my room in anger, I would KNOW I'm not behaving the right way, but sometimes it's hard to stop ourselves. I'd want them to be calm and loving, give me a cup or tea, and encourage me to sit a while and chat. So that is the atmosphere of our break spot. We have a nice 'break' spot, with a bean bag chair and some books at our house. When the kids get crazy, I'll take them (I can send my 5 year old, she is old enough to go on her own at times) and sit with them at the break spot. My goal is to teach them that when they get overwhelmed with a situation, BEFORE they react in anger, to remove themselves and take 5. The kid decides when he or she is ready to get up, which gives them enough time to settle.

When my kids are ready to get up, we go over what happened before, like 'Mommy had you take a break because you were getting a little rough with your brother. That's not ok because it could hurt him, and I want both of you to stay safe. Next time, how about you roll the bouncy ball to each other?' We always go over what happened, why it was not acceptable, and what to do differently next time. Then I end with a positive, 'Go try again' it communicates "I believe you can do it!"

One thing though. With GBD, you will NOT get instant results. You will have to do it over and over and over again. That's ok. I used to get so upset at having to 'discipline' my kids all. day. long. I would think 'I've already told them this 100 times!' but I heard a woman speaker who gave me a new perspective on it. She said when she had to go talk to one of her kids, she would thank God that He was giving her the opportunity to help her child grow in this aspect. And she would take each and every situation as a personal mission to help her children learn about God. It really changed my POV and helps me to not get so angry at them. HTH some!:heart

[NewLeaf]

Have you read the stickies in the Little Explorer's forum? http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/forumdisplay.php?f=413

I would definitely start there... even the 3 year old's sticky... it's still helpful especially if you didn't have a chance to read it and use it when they were three.

I agree about giving them lots of acceptable ways to get out loads of energy. :yes

Just to clarify so I can understand, what is 'hiding'?

Pregnancy is a particularly rough time to keep on top of discipline. :hug

[Naxi]

A "hiding" is a spanking (like whipping the skin off a hide, although, of course, my parents were never that rough.)

I so need to work out how to get them worn out each day. I really run out of ideas, and often when I think of something I think that they would like, they decide they don't. (Or, like today, we went to a play centre and in the first 5 minutes DS1 fell over and banged his elbow and wanted to go. Poor kid - just one of those freak accidents...)

N :D

[NewLeaf]

A "hiding" is a spanking (like whipping the skin off a hide, although, of course, my parents were never that rough.)

I so need to work out how to get them worn out each day. I really run out of ideas, and often when I think of something I think that they would like, they decide they don't. (Or, like today, we went to a play centre and in the first 5 minutes DS1 fell over and banged his elbow and wanted to go. Poor kid - just one of those freak accidents...)

N :D

I know what you mean about trying to find ways to get out their energy. I think of activities too and dd says "I don't like that." and refuses to play. I set them up for water play in the back yard yesterday and she took a book out on the porch and read instead. :doh

One thing that helps is jumping in and doing the activity first and making it look fun so they want to join in (hard to do when YOU'RE actually quite exhausted! :lol) but it definitely gets them into it.