My sister threatened to smack my son

[Earthmummy07]

I'm not sure what to say or do, or where to go from here. I dont even know if I'm making more of this than I should be.

I should say before I start that my sister is very stressed at the moment for reasons I won't go into. She's going through a really hard time, and I dont want to stress her out even more. We usually get on brilliantly, apart from when our different parenting techniques start to infringe on each other. We live in the same house, so I have to be diplomatic about this.

I was upstairs brushing my teeth and Toby was downstairs playing with my niece (similar age). My niece went into my Mom's room and started messing with her stuff. Toby followed her in and sat on the bed. My sister sent my niece out of the room, then tried to get Toby to leave. He wouldnt (he needs a lot of GOYB parenting ATM, just asking isnt enough). Then, as I was coming down the stairs she leant in and hissed at him, just loud enough for me to hear "Do you want a smack?!"

I immediately went in, removed him from the bed and said "Do NOT threaten to smack him. You have NO RIGHT to threaten to smack him".

She whined that neither of the kids listen to her and I reiterated that that does not give her the right to threaten him. I feel like I should have said something else here. I'm not sure what though. I was kind of in shock and couldnt think of anything other than to take him out of the room.

She then refused to talk to me for half an hour.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to make a bigger deal out of it than I need to, but I'm very shaken that she would even think about something like that with my child. She smacks her daughter, but she knows my feelings on it and how hard I try to GBD. Do you think I made my point sufficently?

Do I risk leaving him in her care from now on? Living in the same house means them being alone together is pretty inevitable, but I don't know that I want to let her baby sit, take him off for a while when we go shopping etc.

Am i over thinking this?

[Serafine]

If you don't want him hit or threatened, then no, you cannot risk leaving him in her care. :shrug

She has made it clear that she WILL do that, and she does not respect your boudaries for her in that area (made clear by her excuses and refusal to speak to you when you corrected her).

[ThreeKids]

If she's not in a place emotionally where she can have a conversation where she affirms she won't do it again, she's not in a place where she can be watching kids. That's the minimum response.

After that, figuring out where she needs to be emotionally to be able to watch them is a little more complicated. How reluctantly she affirms it? How maturely she takes it? I don't know at what point she gets the trust back, I just know she doesn't have it now.

[mwwr]

Until she can acknowledge that you are the mama, and what you say goes, she should not be alone with him. :hug I know that it just makes extra stress for you right now, and I am sorry.

[Quiteria]

It sounds like she's needs more ideas on what she can do, and what to reasonably expect with this age...that she's out of ideas and frusterated that the kids aren't instantly obeying, so the answer must be to smack. I'm noting that she says, "neither kid listens to me" and yet her dd DID leave the room. Yeah, she went in there in the first place, but had sis clearly told her not to? Or just assumed that dd should know that it's off limits? Kids need the rules repeated many times, and boundaries enforced, and they often need help to comply. Just removing the child from the room (by actively escorting him out, instead of just telling with words) and re-stating that it's not allowed will sink in eventually. It doesn't nessessarily happen any faster (the staying out of room) with the addition of a spanking. Both methods will involve the children exploring several times if the opportunity presents itself. (Preventing the oopportunity, if possible, also goes a long way in reinforcing the room's status as off-limits.) People like to think that a child will learn the first time if hit hard enough, but that just isn't true....and that "failure" can be frustrating if that's all a mama knows how to do.

---------- Post added at 05:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:10 PM ----------

(I agree with all the other posts, too, that she doesn't have the tools or respect to be babysitting right now. :hug2)

[CelticJourney]

I would find a good time to tell you sister that you know she was really stressed out when she said what she did, but that you would appreciate it if she would call you to discipline your son when needed, especially if she is feeling stressed, as we all do from time to time.

I know there are times when I feel like I'm on the edge because of generaal stress or with my 4yo being a 4yo and wish my dh as there to tag team with. It's good and healthy to recognize when you need a break and that is what she will hopefully do next time.