you MAKE me feel...

[curlymopmom]

I am trying to hash out making other people responsible for our emotions.

I'm starting to understand why I shouldn't say things like, 'You make me sad when you do XYZ...' Although I'm not sure I completely get what to say instead.

And what about the reverse? Is it okay to say, 'It makes me happy when you do XYZ...' If not, what am I supposed to be saying?

Is there already a thread on this somewhere? I'm kind of :crazy trying to think this through.

[Vicki_T]

:cup

It makes me uncomfortable when MIL says to dd1 'don't do x, it makes Nanny sad' but I have trouble explaining why (other than the fact that I don't like her commenting at all - but that's probably unreasonable of me).

[MarynMunchkins]

Because we're responsible for how we respond to other people's actions. :)

I tell my kids, "You may say 'I feel...' " instead. Instead of "You're making me angry", use "I feel angry right now."

[light of mine]

:cup

[WanderingJuniper]

Yeah, I just drop the "You make me" part and leave it at "I feel."

[racheepoo]

I think separating the feeling from the action is important IMO. Otherwise it's all tied up to feedback/rewards/punishment, isn't it? I feel sad when you do this means you have to stop doing that so that I don't feel sad. Still tied up in performance. I don't know...that's just kind of tricky for me.

[EMama]

I've wondered about this too...

[nadezhda]

Ok, I'm getting the taking responsibility for our own feelings thing ("I feel X when Y happens.") :yes Because sometimes, we get our feelings hurt or have a knee-jerk reaction that's totally unintended. And we're working on it. :smile

To muddle this topic further... What to do when you actually use "I feel..." and someone dismissively says, "I'm sorry you feel that way." ? Granted, those words can be a genuine response, and a time to dialogue ("I'm sorry you feel that way. That was not my intent..." etc.) Sorry if this is a thread hijack!

[mwwr]

NObody can *make* you feel anything. Really, they do not have that power unless you give it to them. :no

[curlymopmom]

To muddle this topic further... What to do when you actually use "I feel..." and someone dismissively says, "I'm sorry you feel that way." ? Granted, those words can be a genuine response, and a time to dialogue ("I'm sorry you feel that way. That was not my intent..." etc.) Sorry if this is a thread hijack!

No thread hijack! My thoughts are so jumbled on this. Any additional questions you have are great!

NObody can *make* you feel anything. Really, they do not have that power unless you give it to them. :no

I totally understand that - intellectually. But probably the BIGGEST struggle in my life is that I give every single person I encounter in my day that power. It's rather pathetic how little control I have over my feelings. That is obviously a topic for a different thread. But...

I inherently say - 'That makes [friend] sad when you take her toy...' Or 'Oh! That makes me so happy that you picked up your toys without me asking. Thank you so much!' What am I supposed to be saying instead? :scratchEspecially when it's a compliment/ praise. I've gotten pretty good at not bringing feelings into it when I'm mad/ sad... to avoid all the shaming I received growing up.

[racheepoo]

No thread hijack! My thoughts are so jumbled on this. Any additional questions you have are great!



I totally understand that - intellectually. But probably the BIGGEST struggle in my life is that I give every single person I encounter in my day that power. It's rather pathetic how little control I have over my feelings. That is obviously a topic for a different thread. But...

I inherently say - 'That makes [friend] sad when you take her toy...' Or 'Oh! That makes me so happy that you picked up your toys without me asking. Thank you so much!' What am I supposed to be saying instead? :scratchEspecially when it's a compliment/ praise. I've gotten pretty good at not bringing feelings into it when I'm mad/ sad... to avoid all the shaming I received growing up.

For the toy thing, you could say WOW! You picked up all your toys without me asking! :shrug

---------- Post added at 01:15 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:14 PM ----------

I use "I'm wondering" a lot. I don't know how old your little one is...but for my son, I can say "I wonder how your friend feels when you take his toy away." Because really, I don't know how his friend feels :giggle and it gets him thinking how *he* would feel in that situation.

[MaybeGracie]

I inherently say - 'That makes [friend] sad when you take her toy...' Or 'Oh! That makes me so happy that you picked up your toys without me asking. Thank you so much!' What am I supposed to be saying instead? :scratchEspecially when it's a compliment/ praise. I've gotten pretty good at not bringing feelings into it when I'm mad/ sad... to avoid all the shaming I received growing up.

When he cleans his toys or helps me out in some way, I give him a sincere thank you and tell him I really appreciate it. :)

As for the rest, I'm still working out my thoughts on it as well, so I appreciate this thread. My biggest concerns are a) the results I've noticed due to this sort of thinking, and b) the reality that our words and actions do affect others.

In regards to the former, even here on GCM :duck (:gcm), I've seen many instances where person A will say something shockingly callous or rude, person B will object, and person A will respond with, "hey, dude, own up to your feelings, don't blame me, I can't MAKE you feel that way." So while I understand *in theory* the idea of others not being in control of our own feelings, I don't like the way that line of thinking plays out. It's great for those on the receiving end to keep in mind ("I can choose how I will react. I can choose not to engage."), but not so good for some people on the giving end ("Brain/mouth filter? Common decency, kindness, and consideration? Who needs that? I'm not responsible for their feelings.")

In regards to the latter, we are social creatures, we live in communities, and it is important, I think, for our children to be aware of how their actions impact those around them. It does make other children sad when a child hits them. It does make other children angry when a child grabs their toy away. So while I don't believe we should shame our children in any way, nor should we hold them responsible for our feelings as parents, I do think there is merit in pointing out the way their words and actions make other people feel.

---------- Post added at 12:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:41 PM ----------

I use "I'm wondering" a lot. I don't know how old your little one is...but for my son, I can say "I wonder how your friend feels when you take his toy away." Because really, I don't know how his friend feels :giggle and it gets him thinking how *he* would feel in that situation.

This is a great way of phrasing it. :tu

[GranolanRainbows]

I try to deal in facts instead of feelings. For example:
"Hitting hurts people."
"Stephanie was playing with that toy and you took it away from her."
Sometimes just pointing out the obvious helps. Then again, sometimes it fails miserably...

[MarynMunchkins]

"Your friend looks sad."

"I like when you pick up all your toys!"

Refusing to give someone the power for your feelings doesn't mean they don't get hurt or that other people are off the hook for hurting them. It just means that you choose your response instead of reacting. :)

[WingsOfTheMorning]

Very interesting thoughts!

I think it's a two-way street. So our actions and words do affect people, but people also have control over their feelings.

We haven't dealt with a lot of these situations yet, but one phrase I like a lot is we say, "What might help (person/toy who is sad) feel better?" I say "help" instead of "make" b/c we can't make anyone feel a certain way, but we can help. So she'll give her "sad" toy a hug or pat it or give it her special blanket.

[Vicki_T]

We haven't dealt with a lot of these situations yet, but one phrase I like a lot is we say, "What might help (person/toy who is sad) feel better?" I say "help" instead of "make" b/c we can't make anyone feel a certain way, but we can help. So she'll give her "sad" toy a hug or pat it or give it her special blanket.

I use this phrase too :yes

[nadezhda]

I use "I'm wondering" a lot. I don't know how old your little one is...but for my son, I can say "I wonder how your friend feels when you take his toy away." Because really, I don't know how his friend feels :giggle and it gets him thinking how *he* would feel in that situation.


Ooh, I :heart this! Really good way to show the kids how their actions can affect others without burdening them with feeling responsible for others' emotions. :tu

[teamommy]

NObody can *make* you feel anything. Really, they do not have that power unless you give it to them. :no

I agree with this and with most of the responses that say it should be phrased as "I feel" rather than "you make me..." or "don't make me ____".

However there are times--- if you hit your brother he IS going to feel hurt and angry-- and what you did directly caused that reaction.

So I think the idea that no one is responsible for feelings, EVER, goes a little too far for me. Yes, I can choose not to be angry or sad when you steal from me, but the natural consequence of you doing something like that IS going to be that the person is upset in some way.

[nadezhda]

I agree with this and with most of the responses that say it should be phrased as "I feel" rather than "you make me..." or "don't make me ____".

However there are times--- if you hit your brother he IS going to feel hurt and angry-- and what you did directly caused that reaction.

So I think the idea that no one is responsible for feelings, EVER, goes a little too far for me. Yes, I can choose not to be angry or sad when you steal from me, but the natural consequence of you doing something like that IS going to be that the person is upset in some way.


Just this morning I dealt w/a skirmish by saying, "Mac, your sister can not MAKE you feel bad unless you let her. Your responsibility here is to be gracious, not grumpy. Strawberry, YOU are responsible for being kind and using nice words. You both have a part in getting along."

:shrug That way, each has responsibility over themselves (the part they can control). Not sure if this is 100% correct, but it's starting to seem more logical to me this way. :think