help, 3 year old, NEW to not spanking and don't know what to do.

[Prism]

I'm new to not spanking, How do you correct an attitude with out spanking? For example, foldng arms and putting head in the air while narrowing eyes and puching out lips. Or talking back, for example, "don't touch." "No, you don't touch." Or saying, "Don't do such and such", and they do it quickly to try to do it before you can stop them. Like stealing a marshmellow, or coloring the chair.

[tigerlily]

3 is one of the ages that I really struggle with not being punitive.:yes

But, there is a lot you can do.:tu

Firstly, you can't change your child's attitude, but you can give them the opportunity. I usually script them in what I would rather hear. Try something like this -- "You don't like that mommy said no. You crossed your arms and made a face like this (show the face). When you don't like my decision you can say "I don't like that mommy.-- you say it." (demonstrate correct tone). Would you also like to do any angry dance or draw a picture to show me your frustration? (or another activity to release big feelings).

Give them the correct words to say and tell them to try again. It's okay for them not to like it, show them how to express what they are feeling in an appropriate way. They may not get it at 3, but it's building a good foundation.

I would suggest you turn your negative "don't do X," to "You may do this." If they answer back with "no, you don't touch" script some more -- "Mommy, I want something to touch' (help them find something okay to touch.) or -- "You wanted to touch this, this is not a toy, let's find your toy to touch." Put the item away or help them go somewhere else.


The doing it quick before you can stop them -- the colors get put away and are not used w/o supervision, or no more marshmallows where a child could reach them. The child is showing you they are not old enough to handle the situation, so you listen, and change the situation to make them successful.
:hug

[Happygrl]

Robin had good suggestions, so I won't repeat. But I did want to expand on one thing...


Firstly, you can't change your child's attitude, but you can give them the opportunity.

:yes I would challenge that spanking does not CHANGE attitudes, it simply (sometimes) changes what appeares outwardly, the expression of the attitude. Giving them words to express their frustrations, teaching them coping skills, etc., however, CAN help them to change their attitude, diffuse the situation and learn to deal with their feelings.

---------- Post added at 07:36 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:35 AM ----------

I also wanted to point out this sticky thread on 3yos (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=200017). Three is a real struggle for a lot of people, myself included. That thread helped a LOT.

If you can find the Ames & Igle book 'Your Three Year Old', I would highly recommend it.

[Ellen]

In some cases it's okay to just ignore the "attitude." Ignoring it isn't condoning it or rewarding it. Like in the "no, don't touch" example. I might simply move his/her hand away and repeat, "don't touch" while redirecting to something else that will keep the child's hands busy. Same thing if the child tries to do what you've just instructed not to do. Step in and stop them, then redirect. That should be enough at this age, I think.

[Karen]

I have found the best way to stop the attitude stuff is to ignore it. I find that it is almost always done to get a reaction out of you. When we are having issues, I remain very matter of fact and practical.

[BornFreeBaby]

Yeah dd has taken to sticking her tongue out at me (she's 4) and I try to just turn away quickly like I didn't see it.

Other times if I say no to something and she starts to pout, I have found that if I can turn the situation around and get them to laugh, it has helped.. for example... if dd is crossing her arms, instead of me getting angry and spanking, I would do something like gasp and say, "oh I think you have a 'grumpy bug' on you!" :"Let me get that grumpy bug!" And I would start tickling and saying, "Oh THERE IT IS, I SAW IT!" and I would just tickle her all over and make her laugh and I would say, "See! I got the bug! Your not so grumpy now!" And then she would try to make a face but would start laughing.

The grumpy bug, if not overused, has helped. And once we calm down we can talk about what he/she wants to do next. Sometimes me just sitting there waiting for her attitude to change just doesn't work, so I will take up the reigns and switch to focusing on what the next thing is.. OK, its time to do XYZ, and help him get excited about it.

But also, stay consistent with not giving in. Just because they pout, you don't let them have/do what they want.

And I agree with keeping things out of reach if possible and with the coloring on furniture (this has happened here too), I would tell her she has to clean it up and get her to try to wash it with a sponge, even if it doesn't really get it clean, its the act of following through with a logical consequence which is;
If the furniture gets colored.... then she needs to try to clean it or clean up the mess.

The thing with the marshmallow... I think that when you are coming from a punitive mindset, you think- they didn't obey me, they therefore need to pay. But with Grace based discipline, its a shift from that thinking. They are children, and they are going to do childish things at times - does that really constitute a spanking?

(I'm also saying this to remind myself of these things with my VERY busy 4 year old girl, because I am in a similar boat, coming away from spanking and back to GCM.)

[vaness]

I don't have anything to offer b/c I am also dealing with my own 3 yo and an very green to being a non-punitive mommy. I just couldn't read your post without saying that I know how you feel and give you a :hug2

[arymanth]

I'm new to not spanking, How do you correct an attitude with out spanking? For example, foldng arms and putting head in the air while narrowing eyes and puching out lips. Or talking back, for example, "don't touch." "No, you don't touch." Or saying, "Don't do such and such", and they do it quickly to try to do it before you can stop them. Like stealing a marshmellow, or coloring the chair.

I was a spanking parent for over 10 years before I found out about GBD, so I have been where you are and I know it can be difficult and confusing. One of the biggest hurdles for me was giving up my "right" to get even with my child for offending me. I had to grow up emotionally to the point that I did not allow their behavior to offend me, because until I got to that point, I was not actually trying to help them learn how to behave for their own benefit but because I had my feelings hurt. So when my child gives me "attitude", I have to do a quick internal "check" and make sure that I'm not responding emotionally. I keep my tone calm and try to look at his behavior from a logical point of view. Why is he acting this way? Is he angry because he can't have or do something? Is it fair of me to expect him to just accept disappointment without getting angry, hurt or frustrated? What can I do to help him focus on something else so he can detach emotionally from the situation and move on? (this is what distraction and redirection are for)

Do whatever you can to set him up for success. Instead of saying "don't touch" or "don't do such and such", try giving him pro-active instructions. Replacing an unwanted behavior with something else works really well at just about any age, so instead of saying "don't do that"... try "would you like me to get out your crayons so you can color?" If you can get him interested in something else, the unwanted behavior isn't an issue anymore. Think of what you do to keep yourself from doing things you know you shouldn't. Would it make things easier for you not to eat another piece of pie if you left it out on the counter and kept telling yourself all the reasons you shouldn't eat it, or if you put it where you couldn't see it and found something else to do to keep your mind off of it?

Not saying "don't do that" also doesn't trigger the "do it quick before mom can stop me" instinct. It's kind of like having a puppy who gets loose in an unfenced yard, you don't want them to run away from you because you might not be able to catch them, so running towards them or yelling at them to stop is just going to make them run faster... but if you can find a way to get the puppy interested in something near you and get him to come to you, you can catch him. If I can get my child interested in something else, something completely unrelated to the no-no they are about to do, then often I can get them to abandon their original idea and move on to something less destructive without getting into a conflict with them. Instead of "don't color on the wall with that crayon" (which goads them to do it just like chasing the puppy) I will ask them questions to get their attention on something else (do you want to help me make supper? I can't find my other shoe, can you help me find it? Which book do you think we should read tonight?) Drawing them away from the unwanted behavior gives me a chance to stop it before it escalates and then I can CALMLY talk to my child about appropriate behavior (crayons are only for paper, not walls or chairs because.... explain reasons, talk about what happens when you get crayon on stuff and it doesn't come off, talk about all the things he CAN color on and remind him how to get them, etc.) and work WITH them on doing it right. It also allows me to step in and remove something that my child may not be ready to be responsible with. (I might put the crayons up where my child can't reach them and limit their use until I feel he is ready to handle them better.) In this case, I am much less likely to get frustrated with my child and we do not have the additional emotional turmoil to complicate the teaching process. A child who has just been scolded or punished is going to be a lot less receptive to being taught, and a parent who is frustrated with her child for being "deliberately disobedient" is less likely to be calm and patient enough to teach them how to do it better next time.

I highly recommend a book called "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen, it can give you a different perspective on how to interact with your child. I have a 4yo and a 19mo. right now and I can honestly say that I ENJOY them much more than I did my older kids when they were this age, primarily because my own attitude towards their behavior is so different. They are consequently much better behaved than their older siblings as a result of me being able to be a more effective, less stressed out parent. It's going to take time to change old habits and ideas, but it CAN get much better if you will take the time to learn new techniques. :-)

[allicat2]

Thank you arymanth and everyone else for your post!
I too am new to GBD and have had up's and down's recently. One week I am very successful in applying what I have read and learned and the next I fall back into old habits. It is very difficult right now. I do have the playful parenting book and started reading it last year before I went back to school. From what I gathered it was a great book and I should pull it out again, b/c I am feeling I really need it right now. I too have a smart, spunky 3 yo who for the first couple years I was very good at applying attachment parenting. Ever since she was about 2.5 it has been drastically different and harder for me to apply what I have read. I feel extreme remorse over punitive parenting when I fall back into it. Then I have a time period where I again try and apply the GBD skills again. This pattern seems to keep repeating and I just pray I and my husband can find the strength to keep with it. Up until a few weeks ago I was under the impression that in my childhood my father was the only one who spanked us and occasionally. But recently my mother in a casual conversation about parenting admitted her routine with my sister and I "patience, patience,....and then frustration...busting out until she didn't know what to do... then she would spank us". I have no memory of this, but now that I have heard her story, I am starting to understand why it has been so hard for me to maintain GBD. I was never taught the skills in my childhood, so I am trying to learn them now...and I only have books and this website b/c most Christian parents don't use this parenting method. It is a hard thing to do in a world dominated by physical violence and lack of interpersonal/interconnected skills. I am so thankful to have this resource!!! Amen for gentle christian mothers!!

[Katie]

Yes, just wanted to say I can empathize. I also just recently discovered that my mom spanked me as a child (I have no memory of it) and I am having a hard time with my daughter, who is almost 3. Just reading through this site and checking out various threads makes me realize how much I am doing that is "punitive," even if it's not spanking...The mindset of GBD is so very different than anything I've ever known! I need to pray for God to renew my mind in this area.