"put your shoes on; it's time to go"

[Aerynne]

and what if he doesn't? If I do it for him, doesn't he learn that if he doesn't feel like it, he can just wait for me to do it for him?



And what if he won't pick up a toy he got out when I tell him to? Or put his clothes in the hamper? If I do that for him he'll also learn that I'll do it for him if he doesn't.

[J3K]

What I hear you saying is that if he doesn't do it , and you step in , he'll eventually learn that if he just waits you'll do it for him ?

If that's the case... I let mine go barefoot a couple of times. They quickly learned that walking barefoot is nasty and they had to scrub their feet when they came home.

To counter that I give them a time limit. "We leave in five minutes , put your shoes on."
At some point your child will get sick of you doing for him...I guarantee it. You try putting shoes and tying laces on an 8yr old. It ain't happening. At least in my house it was "I know how to do it." (my response ..."then do it." )

[Sweet Life]

He's 3? I would offer help with putting his shoes on. :shrug3

That way he learns to do what mommy asks, but mommy will help if he needs help.

[dukeofhazzard]

:think Well, since you say "he", I'm assuming you mean the kiddo in your siggie who's 2?

I'll admit, I didn't have a lot of expectations from my lo's when they were two. I had a newly 2yo and a newborn and it was just easier to put his shoes on myself.

AFA the toys, the best incentive I've found is no new toys until the toy you were playing with is put away.

Cloths in the hamper - at 2yo, I'd probably make it into a game.

:hug I know you probably see your 2yo as such a big kid when contrasted with the baby, but he's still essentially a baby too.

ETA: ACK! I seriously landed in a time warp where it was still 2009 :doh :giggle

[erh384]

I agree w/pp no matter how much he doesn't want to do something that you ask (like putting on shoes), hes not going to want you doing it for him soon enough (perhaps even too soon... they grow too fast!) I usually offer dd help- "Mommy asked you to put your shoes on, we need to leave. Are you going to put them on or would you like some help?"

With picking up a toy I'd probably give the choice to pick it up herself or to cease play/sit near me until she was ready to pick it up :shrug sometimes we'll make it a game/race/etc... depends on the specific situation and my mood.

[Kiara.I]

I've stuck shoes in my purse and carried a shoe-less kid to the car a few times--and DS1 (who's the same age as your guy) likes walking out to the car and climbing in, thank you, so he never enjoyed that much.

And even if he does learn to wait for you to do it for a while, is that a big deal? It's just shoes, and it will stop eventually. I bet at 30 he'll be doing it himself. ;) If it is a big deal for you, then yeah, find ways to address it. But just stop and check with yourself first whether it qualifies as a big deal. :)

[Firebird Rising]

I use the phrase, "It's time to..." and then help them at that age. At four, I can do a time frame with countdown. With countdowns, many times the minutes are long ones, just long enough for him to kick it into high gear, at which point I might help him..

[Rea T]

At that age it was "Do you want to do it yourself or do you want me to do it for you?" Shoes were not optional, how they got on his feet was.

[J3K]

He's three ?

Disregard my previous post.

I'd say "let's put your shoes on" and make it happen. At three years old , I would not expect him to do that by himself in any sort of timely fashion.

Sometimes the shoes went into the car with me and they put them on as we drove down the road.

When they got older is when I did what I suggested in my previous post.

[NovelMama]

What he's learning is that when you say something has to happen, it happens whether he wants to help or not. Mommy says it's time to go--it's time to go, there's no negotiating out of it or stalling it indefinitely.

[SamRose]

"We're going to leave, so U need shoes on. Do U want to do it, or should momma?" is a way I like to put it. They have a choice, which many kids want, but not putting on shoes isnt one of them.
(obviously if YOU want them to do it themselves this isnt a perfect solution, but it can avoid any defiant drama. :shrug3)

[Katigre]

Also remember that children have a natural internal drive for autnonomy and independence as they get older - so knowing that shoes have to be put on, once they're past challenging ages like 3 ;) - they desire to 'do it themself' and don't want the parent to do it all for them.

[Aerynne]

Hmmm . . . I don't get it, I guess. He can do it. He is totally capable of putting his shoes on by himself. And I have a baby to get ready. Why shouldn't I require him to do it?

[J3K]

You can require it , but at only three years old , he'll need a ton of guidance. Redirecting , playful parenting , etc... He's too young , ime , for that to be a responsibility he takes on by himself. Just because he can physically put on his shoes doesn't mean he's ready for the responsibility of doing it by himself all the time. kwim ? (it's late , I'm tired and I'm afraid I'm coming across harshly)

Maybe you could have him put on your shoes while you put on his. This was a fave game in our house.

At about six/seven is when you can start doing the checklist "I need you to do x , y , and z before we leave in five minutes." (brush hair , put on shoes , etc)

[Firebird Rising]

Hmmm . . . I don't get it, I guess. He can do it. He is totally capable of putting his shoes on by himself. And I have a baby to get ready. Why shouldn't I require him to do it?
Sure, you could require it. And if he doesn't do it, then what?

I know it's really hard to get out the door with littles. I have found that every time I am frustrated with them for not doing something I "want"/"need" them to do, it's something that they are not capable of doing on their own at this age.

My oldest is a full year older than your DS. He still doesn't always put his shoes on. His accuracy at listening is only slightly better. He does well with countdowns, but he only started getting better recently.

Phrasing it in a way that allows him to succeed is key in helping him have the confidence in learning to do it vs. frustrating himself because his body isn't ready to act solo on this one.

That's why I take the responsibility off of my children at that age and just make it a matter of fact and not something they have an option or choice in. "It's time to get your shoes on." and sit down with them and put their shoes on.

[SamRose]

Hmmm . . . I don't get it, I guess. He can do it. He is totally capable of putting his shoes on by himself. And I have a baby to get ready. Why shouldn't I require him to do it?

You can require it, but that doesnt mean he will always obey & do it. My 3yo will usually say "Ok mommy" or "yes mother" when I tell her she needs shoes on so we can leave. I take her little sister potty, and when I get back 3yo DD is still sitting there shoeless playing w/ a toy or something. :doh I say "DD1, why Rnt yer shoes on?" and she says "Oh yeah!" and jumps to do it. She is physically capable of putting on (most of) her own shoes. But she's so young still that she's very easily distracted.
Another scenario is when I find her shoeless still, she claims she cant find any shoes. This is never the case if she actually looks, cuz we have numerous pairs of shoes for all the kids on a bookcase by the door. She obviously didnt look, thas Y she didnt find any. :sh4 If we're in a hurry, I dont always stay calm:O, but I try to gently remind her that there R plenty of shoes to choose from on the shelf. If she doesnt comply right away cuz she's in a mood, I say I'll pick some for her and help if she needs it to put them on.

[Aisling]

Being able to do something at one certain point doesn't mean that the child will be successful at doing it. Expecting success at a behavior based on past success doesn't take into account regression, emotional developement, growth spurts, hormonal fluxes and the fact that children literally lose their ability to do certain things well when any of these are a factor.

I need to pull up my 10am and 6pm pictures of dd-then-4yo doing a project with string at those two different times of day. She was highly motivated at both times; the 10am picture is *perfect* and done with a lot of skill, the 6pm picture is a total mess and ended in tears of frustration. It's amazing how a child's ability to complete a task can vary, just from hour to hour. :jawdrop

[canadiyank]

Sure, you could require it. And if he doesn't do it, then what?

Yep.

For a long time I struggled with the idea that "making it happen" was akin to "teaching them I'll do it for them for the rest of their life." Truly, that's not what's happening...if you do it for them forever, yah, you don't want to be tying your 30 yo's shoes, but what you're teaching now is that you say it and it happens. Eventually they *will* be motivated to "do it themselves."

As far as "capability" to do something...am I *capable* to do or not do certain things, say, with regards to eating or staying up late? I know better, I'm capable, but that doesn't mean I actually *do* better. If I'm unable to do what I know is the right thing to do at age 32 it's hard to expect that of my 2 yo.

Last night I had a discussion with my mom about kids damaging things in the house...we both remember doing that type of thing as children, so while, gosh, I don't want my kid drawing on the wall with green sharpie, how is that unexpected when I carved my initials in my parents' railing, or my mom carved patterns on her mom's cedar hope chest with a dull pencil? We *knew* those things weren't ok, but we still did them.

My point being, knowing better or being capable of things doesn't always result in said desired action. Does that mean we have *zero* expectations? Of course not! But it does mean things right now might not look like they will in a few years. You may need to "make it happen" for quite some time in certain areas. Putting on kids' shoes will turn into making sure they put their laundry away, clean up after themselves, brush their own teeth, complete their homework, etc. And that's about where I am right now, since my oldest is 8. :lol

:hug

[SamRose]

Another thing that can help is think of wut yer expectations might be if U didnt have another child to take care of. Would U expect yer 3yo to put on his own shoes w/ no help as soon as U tell him to if he was the only one U needed to have ready?
I had 3 kids in less than 3.5 yrs. I did well remembering the above when I had 2 kids, 18 mons apart. I treated my 1yo like a 1yo still, even tho it probably would have been easier at times if he could do a little more by himself. When #3 came along, and he was 3, it was harder to remember sometimes, that he shouldnt be doing things 4 himself just cuz it woulda made life easier on me w/ a baby and toddler, too.

[Aerynne]

Actually, I'd like a child capable of putting on his own shoes to put them on himself, baby or no baby, and I've been having him do it for many months, even before the baby. I started with putting them on him and having him fasten them, then having him put them on after I unfasten and spread them apart so he can do it more easily. Then we moved to putting them on and he's pretty good at it. He almost always does it with no problem, just not always. I feel like having another baby helps me not to baby him as much and that it's good for him to take some responsibility for his own life.

[SamRose]

I get that. :yes
(Ive just been trying to give advice that might help it be less frustrating that he doesnt put his shoes on when U tell him to. I hope Im not coming across as too critical or something). :heart

[Waterlogged]

I use the phrase, "It's time to..." and then help them at that age.

Yeah this....I used it very often with my kiddos at school. Very effective. It seems stupid that there's a difference between using a statement like "it's time to' and phrasing it in a question, but it makes a big difference with kids....

[canadiyank]

He almost always does it with no problem, just not always.

"Almost always" is really very darn good. :yes :tu

It can be extremely frustrating when a kid who knows how to do something doesn't do it. :yes2

[Raspberries]

I feel like having another baby helps me not to baby him as much and that it's good for him to take some responsibility for his own life.

He's a baby still himself. He is not able to take responsibility for "his own life" and nor should he. I think teaching him tasks and helping to make it happen is great. I think it helps patterns and habits develop so that one day it is as easy as - time to go, putting shoes on. But at his age, I wouldn't want to view it as a taking responsibility for his life *biggie*. He'll get it. He may need repetition, coaching and mom to help him put them on sometimes, but it'll sink in there as he grows up. :hug

There is a sticky (not sure what forum I'm typing in at the moment) about children being babies until 5 years old. I've found it very helpful in the past when I've been frustrated with age appropriate behaviors.

---------- Post added at 04:24 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:19 AM ----------

http://gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=271358

[Little Forest]

This thread just reminded me of something funny that happened today.

I told Sweetpea (6) how to unlock the car and told her to put her shoes on and get in her spot and to help Buttercup and she sounded so willing to do it. I love being at the point where they will do that when I ask! I found them both in their seats in the car! (On other days before, Tigerlily would play in the front of the car if she could get in before I am there)

It turns out that Buttercup (2) had put on Tigerlily's (the 4 year old) Crocs on herself though! Well, at least she had shoes on but they weren't so easy to walk in!

It was closer to age 4 for the older two to be willing to put on their own shoes when asked.

[Auroras mom]

It just is not a hill I would die on. I have no problem with a barefoot child going to the car. I bring shoes, and when it is time to get out, she is more than willing to put shoes on (with help). Gosh, my 4 year old can put on her shoes, but she has trouble with it and likes to have help, especially with certain shoes. I would not require her to do it herself, even at this age.

As far as picking up toys, I encourage dd to help by offering to help her do it, and possibly withholding whatever the next fun activity was going to be until we have completed the task.

Mostly for me it is about modeling and helping and making my words have meaning and only picking "battles" that matter to me.

I only have one child, but I just don't think it is fair expect an older one (still a toddler or preschooler) to suddenly act grown up just because another sibling came along. Also, a 3 year old with a 2 month old sibling may suddenly be feeling *extremely* needy when it comes to your time and attention. Have you considered that? It is also very normal for 3 year olds to regress tremendously in areas of previous independence, with or without the introduction of a new baby into the dynamic. My 2 year old went potty by herself (for pee). My 3 year old, now 4 year old, wants an adult in there with her and refuses to go alone. :shrug3 Two steps forward, one step back, etc.

[Aisling]

He's a baby still himself. He is not able to take responsibility for "his own life" and nor should he. I think teaching him tasks and helping to make it happen is great. I think it helps patterns and habits develop so that one day it is as easy as - time to go, putting shoes on. But at his age, I wouldn't want to view it as a taking responsibility for his life *biggie*. He'll get it. He may need repetition, coaching and mom to help him put them on sometimes, but it'll sink in there as he grows up. :hug

There is a sticky (not sure what forum I'm typing in at the moment) about children being babies until 5 years old. I've found it very helpful in the past when I've been frustrated with age appropriate behaviors.

---------- Post added at 04:24 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:19 AM ----------

http://gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=271358

Wise words! :heart

Yeah...taking responsibility for one's own life is a pretty pie in the sky goal for a child that age...it will come eventually, but it's a pretty frustrating goal to aim for until the child is actually capable of being consistent at something.

I feel your pain! When I've been stuck in that "should" mindset, the only thing that I've accomplished is making myself miserable and angry, my child feeling miserable and angry, and the thing I was so determined for her to do still didn't get done! :doh

[J3K]

it's good for him to take some responsibility for his own life

He's three. It's not time for him to take on any responsibility for anything. Not shoe tying , coat zipping , cleaning up toys , brushing his hair , etc...

Keep showing him how , but for now , you'll always have to step in. Because he's three.

[joyful mama]

I hear you, Mama :hug. Three kids are physically and emotionally draining :yes. Sometimes its frustrating when they *are* capable of doing and they simply wont', or pretend they can't... feels like a power struggle, and it can be annoying.

But, I have to say, these are the moments I am trying to remember to cherish. That one minute of smiling down at him, giving his toes a little tickle before putting them on, and then taking one or two minutes out of your day... well, it can mean the world to him.

My 6 year old still likes me to put her shoes on sometimes, or help her with her sweater buttons, or whatever. Sometimes she wants me to cuddle her and hold her as she falls asleep. Is she capable of putting on her shoes and sweater, or putting herself to sleep? of course, and often she does. But, sometimes, she needs me to slow down my life. To stop and baby her a little bit, even if she's the oldest of 3.

Last weekend I worked with some *very* sick kids. Some of them, I can assure you, whose mother's would give up their lives for the opportunity to put their shoes on one last time, and walk out the door hand in hand with them, even if it meant they were late, or they 'gave in'. I'm not trying to be condescending at all, but today I am reminded once again to cherish every single moment with my children.

:hug :heart

[HomeWithMyBabies]

We would five step through those sorts of situations. Well, often times we shortened it to two steps but it's the same general idea.

My oldest is six and it has been a few years now that he knows, when he's told something is going to happen it's going to happen, whether he needs help or can do it on his own. He typically chooses to just do it himself. It's a rare thing that he refuses to put his shoes on or clean up, and when he does there is always something bigger bothering him.

It really does happen with time, although I know how frustrating it can be. :hug

[illinoismommy]

Hmmm . . . I don't get it, I guess. He can do it. He is totally capable of putting his shoes on by himself. And I have a baby to get ready. Why shouldn't I require him to do it?

Because you're creating a power struggle and 3 year olds are all about power struggles in a bad way. Its just making it harder *for you*

I say skip shoes altogether. Tell him you are leaving in 5 minutes. Then stick him in the car and pack the shoes.

I have a couple babies to get ready and this works. ;)

---------- Post added at 01:51 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:49 PM ----------

Actually, I'd like a child capable of putting on his own shoes to put them on himself, baby or no baby, and I've been having him do it for many months, even before the baby. I started with putting them on him and having him fasten them, then having him put them on after I unfasten and spread them apart so he can do it more easily. Then we moved to putting them on and he's pretty good at it. He almost always does it with no problem, just not always. I feel like having another baby helps me not to baby him as much and that it's good for him to take some responsibility for his own life.


if you don't make this happen, he'll be having you put his shoes on when he's 20..... ;)

Just saying...

---------- Post added at 01:53 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:51 PM ----------


I only have one child, but I just don't think it is fair expect an older one (still a toddler or preschooler) to suddenly act grown up just because another sibling came along. Also, a 3 year old with a 2 month old sibling may suddenly be feeling *extremely* needy when it comes to your time and attention. Have you considered that? It is also very normal for 3 year olds to regress tremendously in areas of previous independence, with or without the introduction of a new baby into the dynamic. My 2 year old went potty by herself (for pee). My 3 year old, now 4 year old, wants an adult in there with her and refuses to go alone. :shrug3 Two steps forward, one step back, etc.

I agree.