gentle discipline and extended family

[Waterlogged]

What are your "rules" re: discipline/enforcing boundaries with your DC, especially with extended family/close friends who are almost like family??

We've been at my parent's house for 2 weeks now (we leave on Tuesday, PTL). I am okay with my mom saying no/removing/giving DD the "look" since we are at her house. I'm sure she thinks I'm rather lackadaisical, but I'm used to a fully baby-proofed house (or at least, 1st floor) so I have forgotten a few times to follow DD around like a hawk and my mom has been rather peeved (but at me, not at DD).

I think if I had to write down rules for disciplining my kiddos...
1). Thou shall NOT use physical force
2). Thou shall feel free to move child, move object, redirect as necessary
3.) Thou shall be consistent.
4.) House rules apply. The owner of the house decides what's okay and what's not....

So what about everyone else? How do you handle discipline from extended family?

FTR, I host several church-related events each week, and I have decided (since some of my stuff was broken, etc) that I feel okay with enforcing my house rules, eg....No screaming inside (go outside or stop, if you can't stop, you'll come hang out with the grown ups)....for example.

[Aerynne]

Grandparents are supposed to give kids too much sugar and junk, so I allow that. :)

No one can hit my kids, but no one is really the spanking kind in my family.
No one can yell at my kids, but they don't do that either. I do, though, sometimes :bag but I wish I didn't. My kids are really very obedient if they are getting enough attention (which of course they are with their grandparents) so there really are no discipline problems.

If they are babysitting, they get to make the rules. For example I posted that fil won't let them walk on the grass at the park. I say :hunh (but not to his face) but then again if he's nice enough to take them to the park without me, they can listen to him.

But do not let me ever, ever catch you watching James Bond with one of my children. Again. Or letting them watch tv of any kind. Since we don't have a tv, it's not an issue if they come to our house. If the kids go to their house, they can let them watch church movies or the Sound of Music (they like to watch that at Grandma and Grandpa's house).

My kids ride in carseats. Always. I provide the carseats. I will usually install them in their cars if at all possible so I know they're installed correctly.

No finding an alternative babysitter- if you are watching my kids, you are watching my kids. If something comes up, call me and I'll come back.

ETA: I try not to get too involved- I really want my kids to have good relationships with extended family, so I try not to tell them what to do too much.

[arctic oak]

It can be hard when you are staying under the same roof for a while- it sounds like you've done really well with how you handled it :rockon

I'm pretty fortunate that our kids grandmothers are gentle by nature so I don't have many issues with how they do things. If I have a big problem with how one of the family members responds to the kids, then I don't give them a chance to be alone with the kids (like if someone gets easily frustrated or angry with toddler behaviour! understandable really :yes but I make sure I'm there to mediate.)

my main rules would be similar to those mentioned already-
1) no hitting
2) no yelling
3) no telling the kids they're 'bad' or other derogatory things
4) not as strict a rule, but I feel strongly about other people exposing the kids to ideas or visuals that would encourage fear, worries or violence- even kids stories that talk about being afraid of the dark, etc.

I really lighten up on rules about sugary snacks, etc with grandma- that's one of the privileges of grandparenthood, I think!

I agree that house rules of the person you're visiting need to apply for the most part- and even if people don't respond to our kids exactly as we would like, it probably doesn't affect the kids so much when us parents are still the main influence. If I'm staying with people for a while (we stayed with mil for 6 months) then I try to get out with the kids to give the hosts a break!

[Sparrow]

My parents are good with our kids.

There is no yelling, hitting, or shaming. Period.

One movie only please - we don't watch TV all day.

One sugary snack only please, unless you want to come home and do the work that I had to get done while I deal with putting the kids to bed coming off sugar crashes :shifty

My kids don't ever, ever CIO. Aaron is actually really good at taking care of his brother if he is crying.

If my kids are beside themselves with tears, please call us. We will come home. My parents will do this, they know it's important to us.

The one in bold is for MIL. She looked after Aaron one time and he cried for us. He cried and she wouldn't let him call us because she didn't want to wreck our night. We know that if we had talked to him he would have been alright. She doesn't sit often, since she lives out of town, but Aaron still remembers this and it was 11 months ago. He was just 3. :(
(She's only sat once other time since, and A was OK with it, as long as she promised that he could call us).

[Buela]

I am happy to say that we don't have issues in this area -- yet anyhow. My parents are way softer than I am -- and very indulgent. But I am ok with that part, grandparent time is special. I see my mom looking at me for an ok when dd is asking her for something that may be not allowed to make sure she doesn't contradict me.

And my mom is way more safety conscious than I am so that isn't an issue either. No yelling or physical discipline going on . . . just some talk about being "good" but meh, it's pretty good compared to the shaming and spanking some of you experience with extended family.

I might have problems with my MIL if she didn't live on the other side of the country ;) because she uses foul language a lot and will let dd watch TV for hours on end. I figure once or twice a year isn't going to ruin her.

[Niphredil]

My mom is pretty good at following my example, so we've not had much of an issue. If it comes up I gently remind her that I will not allow anyone to cause my children pain with their actions or their words. I can't see my mom ever hitting my kids, but the shaming and the PA guilt tripping is what I fret over... especially because it's hard for me to see because it is her basic mode of operation.

[WingsOfTheMorning]

I haven't had to deal with very many issues yet. My family has been great with her.

I have gently avoided anyone forcing DD to show affection. I have stopped some negative talk about her once. I've stopped someone grabbing something from her that she didn't want to give up (that was okay for DD to have). I'm getting ready to say no putting hands over her mouth during church. :nails