Have A New Kid By Friday / No warnings?

[Castle On A Cloud]

What can you tell me about this book?
"Have A New Kid By Friday" - Dr. Kevin Leman
Someone I know mentioned a quote "Don't give any warnings. If you warn your child, you're saying "You"re so stupid, I have to tell you twice."
Isn't it a good thing to be giving your child warnings, so he knows what to expect and has time to shift gears?

[Aerynne]

I think it's more about rules they know they are breaking, not about "we're leaving in five minutes". I think the idea is if they already know the rule, you can enforce it without warning.

[mrsd]

I saw the book at the store, but I am perfectly happy with the kid I have, so I didn't buy the book.

[blessedwithboys]

I think it's more about rules they know they are breaking, not about "we're leaving in five minutes". I think the idea is if they already know the rule, you can enforce it without warning.

:yes This is my understanding as well.

[jandjmommy]

I like Leman's books a lot -- Have a New Kid by Friday was the first of his I read. Note: once you read 2 (or 6 or 8) you'll notice that he writes the same thing--even anecdotes--in every book -- even one of his marriage books had a lot of stuff from his parenting books in it. Anyway...I'm ok with that since he's fairly funny and I need to internalize this gentler parenting approach as much as possible.

[Rabbit]

And how you enforce the rule makes a difference. If you're going to lightening strike your child, you ought to give warning, but if you're simply going to use logical, related consequences, then it makes sense to just parent.

[Katigre]

Like the pp have said, you avoid warnings to avoid being permissive. It's important that your kids know that your words mean something. Here's an example of what he's talking about (because I've read many of his books and know his style):

Parent and child are riding the train. Child decides to run up and down the aisles. This is not acceptable, they need to sit. Two ways to handle it...

1. Giving warnings. Parent remains sitting in their seat and says "Daniel, please stop running." (Daniel continues to run). Parent says "Daniel, you need to stop running now." (Daniel continues to run). Parent says "If you don't stop running we're getting off at the next stop" (Daniel continues to run). Parent is really frustrated now "Daniel - what is wrong with you? Stop running and listen to me. If you don't listen I'll give you a time out." (Daniel continues to run). Parent yells "Stop running - you never listen to me" (Daniel continues to run). Parent is finally so mad they grab the kids arm and smack their bottom. Kid cries, then a minute later gets up and starts running again.

[Yes, I actually witnessed this happen on a train ride :no...it was a very long train ride for every passenger in that car :shifty. This happened repeatedly over the course of an hour]

2. Don't give warnings. Daniel is running. Parent says "Daniel, stop running. In the train we sit." (Daniel continues to run). Parent catches Daniels arm and helps them sit down. Parent reiterates "We sit down in the train, look out the window at ABC (or "Here let's play with my Iphone while we ride. This is a fun app") and redirects the child's attention to something they can do while sitting. :)

The parent saw the misbehavior, stated what the child had to do once, and when they didn't comply helped them. There was no pleading, no begging, no 'warnings' (= "If you don't stop now, I'll _______").

[AmyDoll]

Sounds like he's confusing "warnings" with meaningless threats. The mom in Katie's example was repeatedly permissive & then punitive when she got frustrated. It's my least favorite parenting dynamic

[blessedwithboys]

Sounds like he's confusing "warnings" with meaningless threats. The mom in Katie's example was repeatedly permissive & then punitive when she got frustrated. It's my least favorite parenting dynamic
I would say that continued warnings for a known rule *are* meaningless threats. :shrug3

Kevin Leman is not a person who is into setting children up for failure. I've read many of his books (jandjmommy- lol, you're right!) and seen him speak in person. He is very kind and his discipline style is very gentle, IMO.

Yes, he allows a provision for people who spank, but he does not agree with spanking as a regular form of discipline. Honestly, I'm glad that he allows it because I've seen a lot of people who are former spankers be transformed by his message (because they aren't put off by condemnation so they truly hear his message).

[Aerynne]

I think kids really forget stuff. So just because I told my 3yo not to jump on the bed yesterday doesn't mean he remembers today. If I told him 30 seconds ago, that's another story. I understand doing one warning, but not immediately without any warning. Thoughts?

[Rabbit]

If he's jumping on the bed, you just take him down. Why warn him?

[Castle On A Cloud]

Thanks for all the responses. I just saw her post, and was wondering if it was being used in a punitive context or not - It seems that it could go either way:)

[ArmsOfLove]

I haven't read Leman in awhile but I don't think he's talking about "warnings" as in "We're leaving in 5 minutes, get your last idea out." I think he means warnings as in those pre-threats that are shouted from the couch. "Knock it off! I mean it!" progresses to "I'm going to ___ if you don't stop!"

What he's saying is "GOYB" or, how I describe establishing your authority, say step 1 while you DO step 4 until the child starts responding immediately to step 1 :rockon

When I am raising my own children I use the words of step 1 "You need to . .. " all the time while they are babies and I'm doing it for them. As soon as they are capable of doing it themselves I figure out how much time they are capable of responding in and transition them to being responsible for step 1. Then I introduce step 3, "Can you do X or do you need my help?" And give them a chance to be successful. If they can't do it then, "Here, let me help you" and for however long they are in that mood we go back to step 1 combined with step 4.

This puts them in a position to have *as a personal goal* success :rockon To need help means they have not mastered it and they want to master it. This is not, ":sigh Here, let me do it because you can't" that leaves a child feeling deflated and helpless. It is, "You're not stopping yourself so I'm going to help you be successful. Eventually you'll get this yourself."

It really does change interactions and how everyone feels about them :tu

[ThreeKids]

Reminders are fine. Even a "warning" like "that cup's about to spill" isn't wasted words.

Once the kid's reminded, though. Repeated reminders is just wishful thinking that you won't have to GOYB.

[Katigre]

I think kids really forget stuff. So just because I told my 3yo not to jump on the bed yesterday doesn't mean he remembers today. If I told him 30 seconds ago, that's another story. I understand doing one warning, but not immediately without any warning. Thoughts?
I'd say "Off the bed" and if they didn't get off take them off.

[Aerynne]

If he's jumping on the bed, you just take him down. Why warn him?

Because I'm nursing the baby and she's about to fall asleep. :shifty

Okay, so that was a bad example. I'll have to see if I can think of a good one.

[toastedsalmon]

Because I'm nursing the baby and she's about to fall asleep. :shifty
This was me for the first six months w/ ds, trying to parent "on my butt" and it was very frustrating (especially since I was parenting a 20 mo old on my butt) but I think the real answer to not jumping on the bed when I'm nursing the baby is planning ahead. I can't sit down to nurse the baby to sleep unless I have dd occupied w/ art/lunch/TV or whatever will keep her happy, safe and out of my way for 30 minutes. If she's jumping on the bed for whatever reason, I have to explain that he's sleeping, ask her to go play quietly in the other room and hope for the best, and after I put him down, talk it through with her and role play to explain what I wish she'd done.