Need toolbox replenished for argumentative child

[TraceMama]

:-/ It's partly his age (6.5 yo). It's partly his personality. My BlueEyes is extremely argumentative of late. :sigh Not just the big things either. Nope. :no2 Every.little.last.minute.and.insignificant.detail. of.life.is.debatable. :banghead Dh said the other day that he'll either be a scientist or a lawyer who picks apart every last defense and explanation. :sigh

This is so hard for me, because I tend to run from conflict like the plague. :blush I honestly wish that instead of giving him reasons all these years for my instructions when he asked "why?" that I had just used the ubiquitous "Because I said so" line more often. :bag

I ask him to do something he says "Why?". I give him a reasonable answer and then he begins to find fault with my reasoning or to argue the logic of doing X right at that moment. Or he'll start to tell me how he'll do X later but he was really planning on doing Y and.....Or, of course, he'll just tell me "No." and grin while doing so. :scratch

:help I need tools in my toolbox for this child who wants to argue with me about everything, including *my* opinions and what I've said or not said. :sigh

[LoveIsGentle]

I'm just here to offer sympathy and follow this thread to see what suggestions everyone else has to offer. My almost-6.5 y/o is the exact same way and my sanity is rapidly disappearing. :hug2

:popcorn

[dukeofhazzard]

:popcorn

My 8 almost 9yo has been driving me crazy lately with the same behavior...

[FebFaith]

I have to give a limit. "Ok, I hear your points, this is my decision. I will not discuss it any further." Or "We will discuss it again when Dad gets home or in 2 hours". Maybe he would consider journaling about it?

[Mama Calidad]

I recently read an article entitled On the Upbringing of Children by Elder Porphyrios and it dawned on me that my toolbox was packed with the wrong tools in the primary position.

"'Pray, and when you have to, speak to your children with love. Lots of prayer and few words. Lots of prayer and few words for everyone. We mustn't become an annoyance, but rather pray secretly and then speak, and God will let us know in our hearts whether the others have accepted what we have said. If not, we won't speak. We will simply pray mystically. Because if we speak we become an annoyance and make others react or even infuriate them. That is why it is better to speak mystically to the heart of others through secret prayer rather than to their ears."


Okay, yes, I have the problem of always trying to do it myself first and then praying about it later. I didn't even realize that I was doing this with my parenting until I heard it clearly here. :O

[rosesnsnails]

I have to remind myself "Do not engage. Do not engage." Sometimes I give reasons, but that usually just opens those reasons up for discussion. Sometimes I say something like " This is what is required of you. We will discuss it after you have finished." There are times I simply refuse to discuss anything. :snooty:shifty

[cbmk4]

I guess everyone will deal with this slightly different. I usually try to hear out the arguments given by my children, but I do insist that they are given respectfully. I try to repeat back to them my understanding of their views and offer empathy and at the same time offer up my reasons (only if they are in a reasonable state of mind!). Sometimes I change my mind, most of the time I don't.

As a person who questions everything and encourages independent thinking, I don't want to squash their arguments, but there are times I draw the line and so "no more." My final words are usually something like, "I hear that you don't agree/don't like that/etc, but I am asking you to do it anyway." Then each time they try to argue, I say something like, "We have already talked about it."

[~yogamom~]

how to stop whining complaining and something else in you and your kids by scott something has really good suggestions for this! it's in the first couple chapters so can hopefully be helpful very soon!

---------- Post added at 04:50 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:50 PM ----------

btw, can you tell i have mommy brain? :giggle

[rosesnsnails]

I guess everyone will deal with this slightly different. I usually try to hear out the arguments given by my children, but I do insist that they are given respectfully. I try to repeat back to them my understanding of their views and offer empathy and at the same time offer up my reasons (only if they are in a reasonable state of mind!). Sometimes I change my mind, most of the time I don't.

As a person who questions everything and encourages independent thinking, I don't want to squash their arguments, but there are times I draw the line and so "no more." My final words are usually something like, "I hear that you don't agree/don't like that/etc, but I am asking you to do it anyway." Then each time they try to argue, I say something like, "We have already talked about it."

I absolutely want the kids to be free thinkers. It is arguing over minutia that I will not engage in. Sometimes things need to get done, and the debate is draining and unnecessary.

[MarynMunchkins]

Making time for debate works well for mine. We can argue for practice - just not about every little thing I ask you to do. :)

[imaginationMama]

One time I stopped my 6.5 year old doing the same type of arguing or minutia and asked her "why are you arguing all the time?" (not the best question..it was in frustration). Her answer "I like to argue!!" Maybe she'll be on the debate team one day. But she likes "winning" more than she likes arguing.

What has mostly worked for us was a solution I came upon after she came home from school telling me about an argument with a friend. It was one of those "yes, you do / no, I don't" arguments that goes on forever in kids. She honestly forgot what they were arguing over, but she just knew she was right, whatever it was! I told her it was okay to disagree a time or two, but when it turned into that type of argument, no one was going to "win" the argument. (she's very competive!). I told her that the only way to win, was to stop arguing. To just be quiet. And then the other person might try a time or two more, but then would also stop.

We use it all the time! She starts arguing, and I close my mouth and say nothing, but smile a bit. She "gets it", sometimes even grins and then does what I've asked her to do. (mostly!). Sometimes, she'll catch herself and she'll be the one to close her mouth and look at me with a smile. And I freely admit to her "you won!" and she still does what I've asked her to do. I don't know how long this will continue to work, but for now..it's amazing!

My 4 year old has tried to get in on the game, but she doesn't quite "get it" yet. She says something she absolutely knows is untrue (like "the sky is red" and then very very dramatically closes her mouth and stares at me trying not to laugh and waiting for me to say "no it's not" so she can win!). It's pretty funny.