Violence towards sibling

[Castle On A Cloud]

I am seriously at my wits end with DD1 (3.5) She is constantly hurting the baby. Yeah, there are a lot of accidents, but I am talking about seriously deliberate situations. She will lay next to her and kick her legs around until she comes in contact with the baby. She gets next to her and starts twirling around until she hits the baby. She will be poking the baby with a toy , and first poke her arm, her back, her belly (all lightly) and then super hard in the eyeball:scratch She gets so out of control, and hurts the baby so much. it happens so quickly, i do not know what to do about this. Is the only solution really to keep them separated forever? She CAN be so sweet with her too... DH is just as fed up as I am (but much less 'into' GBD) so I need to do something...

ok, like right now. We are all sitting on the couch watching a movie, and the baby is walking alon the couch. When she gets to DD1's *space*, DD1 kicks at her???

[homesteadmama]

Ugh. This is so hard. I have no advice, but a :hug and a :popcorn, because we're dealing with the same thing.

[ArmsOfLove]

well the GBD solution isn't do nothing so absolutely do something :yes

Is the only solution really to keep them separated forever?

"Forever" is not a necessary timetable ;)

I would, however, keep them separated--at least enough to reduce the conflict. Sounds like the baby is cruising around and getting into the preschooler's stuff. I'd give her a baby-free zone :tu

I'd also work on giving her some scripts to say to the baby and help the baby listen to her boundaries and hear her words :)

[Castle On A Cloud]

Actually, the 3.5 yo seeks out wherever the baby is:scratch I have, on several occasions, gated off half the living room (where none of the 3.5 yo's things are) for the baby, and my 3.5 yo flips out at the idea of not being allowed near the baby. And yeah, the forever thing may have been a slight exageration:giggle

[ArmsOfLove]

:)

Instead of fencing off the baby (which can make a 3.5 yo feel like they are having something awesome kept away from them) try fencing off the 3.5 you ;) You can use a baby yard and put the 3.5 yo inside of it. Or try a baby gate in the 3.5 yo's door so she can play and see out and not feel alone and trapped, but can also keep her sister out of her things :)

[Castle On A Cloud]

lol- that makes sense:) I just have a small fence. The way the front of the apartment is, is that there is a couch that basically separates the living and dining room. So i use the fence to extend that boundary to the wall - so not really fencing in/out one of them, but more separating. And i dont think the baby really gets into things that my 3.5 has. She can be just sitting there, doing whatever. I just dont get why she does it either?

[Love_Is_Patient]

My ds was like this. His was the kind of sibling rivalry that started basically the day the baby was born; so it was more about resenting the addition than about her getting into his things.

I had to keep them separated or else have myself in position to immediately separate them for a LONG time. Things improved dramatically around 18 months, when ds was 4.25. Now that the 'baby' is 2.5, they are beginning to actually play together although I do still have to stop ds when he starts to get too physical (but generally now it's only when I can tell he's getting angry about something so I have some warning).

Some things that helped included keeping ds occupied, which worked best if he was willing to be involved in whatever I was doing. Giving him some other physical (i.e. sensory) outlets also helped (things like baths, rice play, shaving cream, finger paint or play dough).

[Marsha]

Same problem at the same ages. It's absolutely normal. Read Ames and Ilg. Even up to 4, they suggest not letting unsupervised contact with baby sibling.

That helped me a lot. I had "no touch" times where she could NOT touch the baby at ALL. I wore baby a lot on my back and had her in the exersaucer a lot (it provided some bult in "cushion" from exuberance).

It does not last forever. Babies grow realy fast, and defend themselves pretty well, or at least crawl or run away LOL.

[Joanne]

it happens so quickly, i do not know what to do about this. Is the only solution really to keep them separated forever?


A few things not yet mentioned:

1) Talk to your older child about the mixed feelings about having a baby. They are cute, cuddly, interesting AND they are boring, smelly, noisy.
2) Tell her that mixed feelings are expected and accepted.
3) Tell your older child that while the feelings are ok, you will help the child *act* appropriately.
4) Make sure you don't praise the kind, loving actions. Really. This just serves to exacerbate the feelings of confusion and guilt when the older child has mixed or negative feelings.
5) Do adopt a "no touch" rule, including with toys, etc.

[bookworm-mama]

We're going through this with my almost 3 year old and 11month old. Here's my experience! Sometimes Lilah deliberately is trying to hurt Logan, sometimes she's just too lovey and grabby, and she doesn't realize she is hurting him when she squeezes his cheeks together!
Last week sometime I started counting to three when she started hurting him. Lilah would be playing too rough, Logan would start his squeel, and I would say "1...2..." She would usually stop whatever it was she was doing at that point. If I got to three she had to sit on her bed for a minute or two. There was one occurance when she deliberately picked up her toy mop, and wacked Logan on the back with it. That was an automatic time out, and she went to sit on her bed. I guess this was all "working". It was easy for me to just start counting and have her stop. It was easy enough for me to just have Lilah go sit on her bed away from us. But something about all this just didn't sit well with me. I don't know what it was, but I know it's not for me and my child in this situation. For some people this may work wonderfully, though. I was thinking and praying about it over the weekend, and my new plan of action is this: When Lilah is hurting him, whether it's accidentally or deliberately, I walk over and pick Logan up and say "I will not let you hurt Logan" I comfort Logan, while keeping him out of her reach. Logan sees he is safe, and that I'll protect him. In the other situation he was kinda left out. He was the "victim" but he was being ignored, sort of. If I can predict things right, I'm guessing Lilah will throw a little fit about wanting to play with Logan. I plan on saying something along the lines of, "I can't let you play with Logan if you are going to hurt him. In a couple minutes I'll put Logan down and we can try again" I haven't had the chance to try this out yet, but I'm hoping it works!