How to not be controlling?

[eandg81]

I'm not even sure if that is the right question. I'm just overwhelmed right now and I don't know what to do. I was raised getting spanked and all that and I have never felt anger about that but my mother also started screaming at me and controlling me when she started having hormonal issues and she still tries to control me. My brother is 24 and she does control him. She still asks me if I've paid bills, made dr.s appts, I never clean anything correctly, and the list goes on. I am independent enough that I learned to do things on my own anyway but I can see that my brother doesn't really know how to do anything. He doesn't get the concept of money, everytime he tries to cook anything she tells him how to do it before he can learn on his own and many, many other things.

Now I say all that because I have noticed that my almost 5 year old won't get himself dressed or put on his own shoes and I know that I don't even know how to help him do it on his own because it is so much easier for me to do it. I know it may be a small thing but I feel like I am holding him back but I don't know how to get him to do it now because he refuses. My 3 year old tries to do everything himself and I try to let him but I really struggle in this area. I want my kids to be able to take care of themselves but I feel so much responsibility for making sure everything is perfect (I'm sure it has to do with being afraid to make the slightest mistake growing up and even now when I'm doing something for mom). I don't know if I even make sense but I guess I want to know how do I let go of some of this and let my kids learn to do some things on their own. I get frustrated now that DS1 can't do things and I don't want to blame him for something he has never been taught. How do I help him want to learn without causing bad feelings in either of us?

I just want to be a Godly mom to my kids. I don't want to scream at them or control them. I want them to choose to do the right things but I want to guide them in the right direction. I just don't even know how to begin.

[Aerynne]

For the getting dressed thing, first of all, get child-friendly clothes- velcro shoes, pants with elastic waist (no buttons or zippers), etc. Then you have them start doing little steps. For example you put on your child's shoes for him, then have him close the velcros. He puts on his socks any way he can and you twist them around until they are right. You put his pants on his leggs and he pulls them up. You 5yo might not need any of that- presumably his fine motor skills have gotten pretty god doing other things, so he should learn quickly. Then gradually increase the responsibilities they do.

[Amber]

My oldest is almost 6 and I still have to walk him through putting on a certain pair of shoes because he gets frustrated with them :doh

One thing that has helped me is to let go of the little things. Like if they choose their own clothes and they clash horribly, I just let it go. I might mention that their shirt is on backwards, but if they want it that way then :shrug Same with shoes, if they put them on the wrong feet, I'll mention it, but unless we are going to be doing a ton of walking I just leave them alone. He even went through a phase where he wanted to wear two different shoes :giggle

[SarahH2]

I'm not even sure if that is the right question. I'm just overwhelmed right now and I don't know what to do. I was raised getting spanked and all that and I have never felt anger about that but my mother also started screaming at me and controlling me when she started having hormonal issues and she still tries to control me. My brother is 24 and she does control him. She still asks me if I've paid bills, made dr.s appts, I never clean anything correctly, and the list goes on. I am independent enough that I learned to do things on my own anyway but I can see that my brother doesn't really know how to do anything. He doesn't get the concept of money, everytime he tries to cook anything she tells him how to do it before he can learn on his own and many, many other things.

Now I say all that because I have noticed that my almost 5 year old won't get himself dressed or put on his own shoes and I know that I don't even know how to help him do it on his own because it is so much easier for me to do it. I know it may be a small thing but I feel like I am holding him back but I don't know how to get him to do it now because he refuses. My 3 year old tries to do everything himself and I try to let him but I really struggle in this area. I want my kids to be able to take care of themselves but I feel so much responsibility for making sure everything is perfect (I'm sure it has to do with being afraid to make the slightest mistake growing up and even now when I'm doing something for mom). I don't know if I even make sense but I guess I want to know how do I let go of some of this and let my kids learn to do some things on their own. I get frustrated now that DS1 can't do things and I don't want to blame him for something he has never been taught. How do I help him want to learn without causing bad feelings in either of us?

I just want to be a Godly mom to my kids. I don't want to scream at them or control them. I want them to choose to do the right things but I want to guide them in the right direction. I just don't even know how to begin.


WOW!!! This is exactly how I am to except my kids are 8 and 3 and its only been about a year now since I've actually stopped bathing my 8 year old:jawdrop. I have a controling my mom who ask me the same questions still to this day. I've tried giving my 8 year old chores but I just get upset cuz he didnt do it the way I wanted it done.

I will be checking back to see what others suggest cuz I need help in this area too.

[Joanne]

She still asks me if I've paid bills, made dr.s appts, I never clean anything correctly, and the list goes on.


First I would learn appropriate boundaries with Mom. Maybe even seek counseling to help you understand why you are the way you are.

[Sparrow]

Just want to let you know that you're not alone.

I find it hard to let go of the clothes control. My mom was super controlling. She dressed me and did my hair til I was 12. :mad I was never allowed to do my hair, because I didn't do it right. How am I supposed to do it right if I never am allowed to learn?

Maybe start small with the clothes if clashing clothes is too much for you start with choice between two shirts, and then you pick two pairs of pants that match appropriately?

[Kiara.I]

Check out flylady.net It's mostly about cleaning for those of us who aren't good at it, but she talks a *lot* about perfectionism. That's because many people who have trouble, are the ones whose moms were hyper-perfect. Please, please, please, don't do this to your kids! There are also lots of ideas about making cleaning and routines into games so that kids like doing it.

So, for clothes. Start having upside-down days. (Or inside-out, or wonky, or whatever you want to call them.) Deliberately wear shirts back-to-front, mismatched shoes, socks on hands instead of feet, that kind of thing. It'll hurt you at first, but practice will help. :)

For everything else--can you practice making mistakes? If you're wiping off the table, miss a spot. If you're vacuuming, just do the middles. Leave a wrinkle in the blanket on your bed. Tip over a book on the bookcase.

And for your mom--practice saying things like, "Thank you for caring about me mom." Because she does care. It's just that she doesn't know how. :hug

[sweetpeasmommy]

Okay repeat after me "I want to have a child who learns to control himself instead of letting others do it for him." Rinse, lather, repeat.

My 5.5 yo did didn't dress himself until after he was 5. It turns out his sensory issues and low tone made it more difficult for him. :doh So enter playful parenting. Start with clothes that are child friendly, for us this means no buttons, no shoes that tie, etc. I will help, if he insists that he needs it. But there is a catch, I keep forgetting how and putting his underwear on his head and socks on his ears, etc. And he has to show me how to get it right. He's usually busting up laughing by that point so he doesn't even realize he's doing it himself. Let them choose their own clothes even if they don't match. I was so tickled he did it all himself I did not even bother telling him many times that his pants were backwards or his crocs on the wrong feet. I've even let him wear 2 different color crocs depending on where we are going that day. :lol Don't criticize it when they are learning. It's discouraging.