I just don't feel like enough

[Striving4Grace]

I know that according to all I have been learning that I am on the right track when it comes to disciplining my children but to me it doesn't feel like I'm doing enough.

I find myself thinking things like "This is never going to stop him from doing that again." or "I need to nip this in the bud now so that it never, ever happens again." I hate to hog up the GD board with each and every little thing that goes on but often I'm just at a loss and I do note that here it's as if the parents and kids are on a team and in my house and heart we aren't. I am the boss and you WILL listen to me. Now, I do want my children to obey me. It is respectful and proper for them to do so, but I don't like feeling like it's me vs. them all the time.

For example at some point in time yesterday my daughter went to the bathroom and dug at her deodorant with her fingers leaving the chunks behind the toilet and lied to me and said that she smelled like soap because she was playing in the box of Ivory Snow when she was doing the laundry. I was absolutely livid this morning when I found that out. I do not want my kids ruining anything purposely, even a stick of deodorant. I threw it in the trash and told her that she will need to pay for the ruined item from her savings. (she's saving for a pair of Lelli Kellis) Then I dropped it. But to me it felt like I lost a battle. Two months ago she would have gotten a spanking, had to replace what she ruined and been given a lecture to boot.

How do you get over the feeling of not doing enough or the fear that your kids are going to run riot if you don't clamp down?

[mothersson2002]

How old is she?It sounds to me like she was experimenting. Why was the tube thrown away if there was some left I'm wondering?
Yes it is so wonderful that you did not hit her.
Children are curious and that is a wonderful thing from God. If the pieces could be put back together somehow, then there would be no loss only gain cause now she knows how the substance feels like with her scientific investigation.

In primary schools, shaving cream is often used to make words. Sounds like a good science project to me that only a negative could come out of it if shame and fear are injected.
☺☺☺There's always a positive solution to a so called problem.☺☺☺
Everything always gets better. When we know better we do better ah!

[SarahH2]

I am almost in tears over reading this because I know exactly how you are feeling and I am going through the same thing. I am totaly new to this site and this life style, but I know in my heart how I am currently parenting does not work. I have no words of advice because I am just starting this adventure but I know that all of this will take time to learn and get the hang of. Give yourself some credit for not doing things like spanking when something like this would have happened in the past. Remember to take it one day at a time.

[Katigre]

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))

I want to tell you first to be patient with yourself - learning GBD takes awhile. I would say it can take a good 2 years to get confident in what you're doing (little steps of progress along the way :)).

I would encourage you to keep posting scenarios as they come up - it really helps to get concrete reinforcement of discipline strategies and how they work over the long haul.

If DS had gotten into my deodorant, I would have done two things (if he was as old as your DD):
1. Talked to him about why it was not ok to ruin my deodorant (not a long lecture, a few sentences about respecting others' property)
2. Have him think of a way to make restitution for what he ruined (he might have a better suggestion than 'paying for it' but if he didn't I'd move him in that direction).

What books are you currently reading to help you embrace a GBD mindset? (I personally learn really well from books, so that's always one of my first suggestions for making a paradigm shift from punitive to GBD discipline).

[SarahH2]

Katigre- what books do you recommend? I am currently reading Biblical parenting

[Katigre]

Here is the GCM sticky with a ton of books: http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=210121

Sally Clarkson's "The Ministry of Motherhood" really spoke to me - the first chapter is on Grace and she has a beautiful illustration from her own home life about how to give that in discipline.

[SarahH2]

Katigre- Thanks for the link.

[Striving4Grace]

mothersson - she is 9 and I have what I suspect is a touch of OCD so if something isn't "right" (pen with lost cap, notebook without cover, dug up deodorant) it needs to be replaced. This was her deodorant, not mine so it's not that necessary of a thing. She doesn't have an odor but really sweaty underarms and likes wearing the rose teen stuff.

Katigre, what I'm doing is under the counsel of my pastor and I'm reading his book and have placed an order for Kid Cooperation. What I'm reading right now is Instructing a Child's Heart which is what led me away from the Pearls and into graceful parenting and discipling rather than exclusive discipline of my children. Under council I was advised to apply logical and related consequences rather than arbitrary ones. I did some poking around on the net read here for a while then decided to join. I was looking at Biblical Discipline but $20.00 is a little steep for a book and the usd ones are more expensive. I'll try ebay maybe they have it. I need something that is full of examples and reassurance that I can raise kids for Christ without beating God into them. :(

[Pragmatist]

In regards to obedience, it is your children's responsibility to obey (when they reach an age that where the expectation is reasonable). It is not your responsibility to make them obey.

So much of behavior is the age and they will outgrow it regardless of what you do or don't do. It is not true that if you don't nip it in the bud, you're doomed.

[Katigre]

I need something that is full of examples and reassurance that I can raise kids for Christ without beating God into them. :(
Well, for the second I would highly recommend Tim Kimmel's "Why Christian Kids Rebel" and "Grace-Based Parenting" Both of those will help reset your paradigm :yes

For practical advice, I would look through that list linked above.

You don't need to purchase any book either - if you have a library every book (even the Christian ones) can be gotten there or via interlibrary loan - that's what i've done.

---------- Post added at 05:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:44 PM ----------

Also wanted to ask...are you looking for further feedback on the deodorant situation? I don't want to comment unless you're looking for feedback :).

[katiekind]

I agree with Katigre about being patient with yourself and realize that changing your perception about these things is a pretty big thing and it takes time. You're going to be changing from punishing your kids to "fix" "permanently" so they "never do that again" to discipling and equipping your children with strategies to help them live as human beings among other human beings.

As human beings none of us are perfect and we need God's grace. We can help our children experience grace by living together with them in a way that does not demand perfection (or else!) but rather, demonstrates that we do our best to be kind and considerate of one another, and when we fail, we know that forgiveness is available and that together with our loved ones and with God's help, we have hope of finding a better way next time.

How to Really Love Your Child by Dr. Ross Campbell is a good grace-based book. Also Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso. Campbell is a Christian and his book is really wonderful for a foundational look at the dynamics of love and discipline in a healthy home. Coloroso is a former nun. Her book is better for grade-school ages and up which is what made me think of it for you, with your 9 year old daughter. It's a very practical book. She's also got videos and audio, maybe. She's a funny speaker and I learned a lot in a short time by watching one of her videos.

Discipline, true to its root word, disciple, is a process that unfolds over time. As your children mature, they will not do these little things like put divots in their deoderant. Or if they do, it's their problem--not yours. They will have to live with lumpy deoderant or replace it out of their allowance or earnings.

Anyways, I'm thrilled you're on this journey towards a more grace-filled way of relating to your children.

[tigerlily]

Would you mind some more suggestions?

Assume positive intent -- Since you suspect possible OCD ask if she was trying to fix it. If she was, encourage her to bring it to you next time and you'll help her w/ it w/o it being destroyed (a spoon to smooth it out?)

Also, if she doesn't really need it for odor issues, then absolutely just let it be something she can purchase if she wants next time she goes to the store. It sounds like it's a want vs. a need at this point anyway. If she gets money for jobs or allowance then she is old enough to save for such wants anyway.

I think you did a great job handling the situation. The more you practice, the more it will come naturally, your efforts will bear more fruit and you will gain more confidence.:heart

[mountainash]

You taught her that if she ruins something you trusted her to be responsible for, she needs to replace it. That's great! It may not come fully into focus for her after just one incident, but she will catch on. If she doesn't catch on, then you can restrict her to fewer items to be responsible for until she gains some maturity. I say this gently (because I understand the dissatisfaction that the punitive paradigm shift brings on); the spanking she would have received 2mos ago would have served only to satisfy you. :hug2 Teach her where your boundaries are. Show her the gates in your fences (ie. "if you feel the need to experiment, here are some art supplies"). And suggest ways that she can make it right (an apology or replacing the damaged item).

[mothersson2002]

As far as books, did you check out Paperback Swap? I have even got a couple of college books for free along with several others in various genres!:
http://www.paperbackswap.com/index.php
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---------- Post added at 05:36 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:22 PM ----------

Thought you might be interested in this short list of alternatives to punishment.

http://www.parentinginjesusfootsteps.org/solter-article.html
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[jenn3514]

First- give yourself some credit. Kids are a work in progress, always. Parenting is a work in progress, always. You addressed the problem, and gave a consequence. She will get it eventually.
Families Where Grace is in Place has been a huge help for me. I also wanted to mention that I think it is fairly normal when parents move out of a punitive/spanking mindset into a grace based mindset that it usually seems to come with some testing the waters. It could be to see if you really mean it that you aren't going to spank anymore, or it could be that they feel more free to explore their surroundings. GBD is a hard thing to grasp, and sometimes results aren't immediate, but the end result is children who listen to you out of love and respect rather than fear of consequences.

[Llee]

Don't mind me--just subbing for the great answers.

[Striving4Grace]

Just to clarify, *I* am the one with the OCD tendencies. I could not allow the messed up deodorant in the house or I would fixate on it's state. I do wonder if this is truly OCD or some sort of side effect from being forced to appear so perfect for so long. No peeled crayons, no missing pen caps, broken toys that are still usable but no longer new looking must be purged and/or replaced all because it bothers me. I have this budding sense that my past experience has damaged me in ways that I will be discovering and unraveling and recovering from for years. I'm going to keep note of the books suggested here and buy them or try to get them from the library. I'm not sure about inter-library loan since I remember last summer hearing that they stopped doing it in our area, but that may have been only temporary. If not, I can get them as I read them and if I don't have a stack waiting to be read it's more likely I'll chew on them rather than try to read through them all.

She does have a great deal of art supplies but I'm thinking it's time to make another batch of play dough and let her have at it. :)

[Hermana Linda]

I have a couple of online books on my site (http://whynottrainachild.com). :think Just look on the right, under Anti-Spanking Resources and you'll find 2 good essays and 2 PDF books. :)

[UltraMother]

:hugheart
There is a lot of satisfaction in meting out punishment, and it can be hard to give up that feeling of power.

[ArmsOfLove]

I do have a lot of articles at www.aolff.org.

but I don't like feeling like it's me vs. them all the time.
Unfortunately, this is the condition of a mothering position of "I'm the boss". Now, we are on a team, but I am the coach (well, dh and I are ;)). They are expected to listen to me--but not unrealistic expectations, not outside of age-appropriate, not if it means I have to violate God's requirements to me on what kind of person I'm to be and how I'm to treat others. Ultimately, grace means *I* help fill in the gap they can't on their own :heart

[Striving4Grace]

Crystal, I have found your articles to be very insightful and I Hope that I can take what I've read and apply it daily. You are so right, I am a manager through and through and through. It makes perfect sense then why the methods I previously used were so attractive to me. I'd give you a great big :kiss3:hug if I could. :D