ValiantJoy07
02-15-2010, 06:30 AM
I thought I'd share this here (mods if you feel it should be else where feel free to move :) ). I am SO SO encouraged right now.
My BIL was visiting yesterday and we talked with him for FOUR hours straight yesterday about parenting and discpline and our childhoods- things that happened how that effected all of us. etc. My BIL is 21 and such a sweet guy. Sweeter still to have him listen humbly (ie not defensively) to what we were sharing and hear his persepctive too. DH and I were sharing what God has been teaching us about Grace.
There have been some really horrible stuff coming out in DH's family in the past two years (hidden eating disorders that were out of control in his sister, a buuunch of crazy other stuff- second life etc that siblings were living). We've been heart broken at all of this. As a new mother I've been overwhelmed by all of this. When it all hit the fan I was asking How could such good Christian parents go so wrong? They "did every thing 'right'." When dd1 was 12 weeks old I sat in on some counselling with my SIL and to see the pain and hear my SIL say "I was terrified of the spankings- that's what drove some of the [destructive lying crazy stuff] behavior at that time". I was cradling my little 3m old baby thinking and praying - "Please God help me to figure this out I don't want to be sitting in this situation 16 years down the road facing a shattered human being." That was what started my journey into gentle and grace based parenting...I started asking questions, and found GCM and a lot of answers.:heart
DH and BIL were raised very punitively. His parents had NO other tools in their "parenting tool box" besides spanking...At the time Dobson (who they were big fans of) was even against Time-out and my FIL still thinks time out is a bunch of malarky (which isn't a point but just to drive home: it was spanking spanking spanking). And the were spanked up into their teens. :sick Yesterday they both shared things that I have never heard DH go indepth about. And to hear him thank me for, "gently, quietly, kindly sharing your heart and what God has been showing you about discpline.":heart:happytears I saw yesterday how passionate DH is about GBD about raising our children with grace.:rockon
About 2 hours into the conversation BIL said "I just remember being so afraid of Daddy, and I've always told myself that I NEVER wanted my kids to be afraid of me."
I wish I could explain every thing that went on in that conversation- but this is a public board- and really the details aren't important...The theme of the conversation was just amazing to discuss. To FINALLY talk to some one in DH's family and hear them share how they really felt about the way they were parented and hear that they are hoping to do things differently as well.
Also BIL commented on how "good" dd1 was. I said "she's not good, she's human" and laughed "she's only 2, just wait till she's 3 you might have a different opinion...for a while." :O I also added that tanrums are developmentally normal and not a big deal, we want her to learn better ways to get her feelings out but when you're little it takes practice to learn that (ugh it takes practice as a grown up :bag).
But the fact that he could see that we were doing things in such a way that she doens't HAVE to tantrum about things (though to be fair she's not prone very prone to tantrums tempermentally never has been...dd2 on the other hand started them at 4mos:shifty).
Just sharing that becuase he was seeing and validating (and said as much) that spanking isn't be all end all and he saw PLENTY of GOYB with no hitting this weekend which he also commented on. :rockon
I don't know if this post is making a ton of sense (slliiiightly sleep deprived thank you teething baby). It was just such a great conversation and I'm so encouraged. God is working in our family...And healing.:heart
:praise.
My BIL was visiting yesterday and we talked with him for FOUR hours straight yesterday about parenting and discpline and our childhoods- things that happened how that effected all of us. etc. My BIL is 21 and such a sweet guy. Sweeter still to have him listen humbly (ie not defensively) to what we were sharing and hear his persepctive too. DH and I were sharing what God has been teaching us about Grace.
There have been some really horrible stuff coming out in DH's family in the past two years (hidden eating disorders that were out of control in his sister, a buuunch of crazy other stuff- second life etc that siblings were living). We've been heart broken at all of this. As a new mother I've been overwhelmed by all of this. When it all hit the fan I was asking How could such good Christian parents go so wrong? They "did every thing 'right'." When dd1 was 12 weeks old I sat in on some counselling with my SIL and to see the pain and hear my SIL say "I was terrified of the spankings- that's what drove some of the [destructive lying crazy stuff] behavior at that time". I was cradling my little 3m old baby thinking and praying - "Please God help me to figure this out I don't want to be sitting in this situation 16 years down the road facing a shattered human being." That was what started my journey into gentle and grace based parenting...I started asking questions, and found GCM and a lot of answers.:heart
DH and BIL were raised very punitively. His parents had NO other tools in their "parenting tool box" besides spanking...At the time Dobson (who they were big fans of) was even against Time-out and my FIL still thinks time out is a bunch of malarky (which isn't a point but just to drive home: it was spanking spanking spanking). And the were spanked up into their teens. :sick Yesterday they both shared things that I have never heard DH go indepth about. And to hear him thank me for, "gently, quietly, kindly sharing your heart and what God has been showing you about discpline.":heart:happytears I saw yesterday how passionate DH is about GBD about raising our children with grace.:rockon
About 2 hours into the conversation BIL said "I just remember being so afraid of Daddy, and I've always told myself that I NEVER wanted my kids to be afraid of me."
I wish I could explain every thing that went on in that conversation- but this is a public board- and really the details aren't important...The theme of the conversation was just amazing to discuss. To FINALLY talk to some one in DH's family and hear them share how they really felt about the way they were parented and hear that they are hoping to do things differently as well.
Also BIL commented on how "good" dd1 was. I said "she's not good, she's human" and laughed "she's only 2, just wait till she's 3 you might have a different opinion...for a while." :O I also added that tanrums are developmentally normal and not a big deal, we want her to learn better ways to get her feelings out but when you're little it takes practice to learn that (ugh it takes practice as a grown up :bag).
But the fact that he could see that we were doing things in such a way that she doens't HAVE to tantrum about things (though to be fair she's not prone very prone to tantrums tempermentally never has been...dd2 on the other hand started them at 4mos:shifty).
Just sharing that becuase he was seeing and validating (and said as much) that spanking isn't be all end all and he saw PLENTY of GOYB with no hitting this weekend which he also commented on. :rockon
I don't know if this post is making a ton of sense (slliiiightly sleep deprived thank you teething baby). It was just such a great conversation and I'm so encouraged. God is working in our family...And healing.:heart
:praise.