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View Full Version : Complaining, whining, griping, talking back, rudeness

purple_kangaroo
12-18-2009, 01:16 PM
My 8-year-old is driving me crazy. She does have some special needs (OCD-spectrum, sensory integration issues, low frustration tolerance) but to me that is no excuse for allowing her to gripe and be rude all day. However, I am having trouble knowing how to handle this.

Here are a few typical examples from the last few days:

(yesterday) Mom: "I am going to fix breakfast. While you're waiting for pancakes to be ready, please get dressed and pick up in your room."

AJ (who is actually already dressed): "But I'm hungry NOW! You make us do SO much STUFF! And you NEVER feed us!"

-----

(today) Mom: "Please get dressed and ready for school."

AJ: "How come you NEVER let us play or do anything fun??? I don't want to do school. Why do you make us work all the time, and you never let us play?" (Note: She spends every afternoon playing and having free time, and has just had an hour extra to play before school.)

-----

Mom: "Please take care of your plate and wipe off your spot from breakfast, and don't forget to pick up the cereal you spilled on your chair."

AJ: "I'm the ONLY kid in the WORLD my age who has to take care of my plate, wipe off my spot at the table AND wipe off my chair. Nobody else makes their kids do stuff like this! Why do you always make me do all the work?"

----

Mom: "You need to pick up the paper you just threw on the floor."

AJ: "Work, work, work! All you ever do is make me work! I have to do ALL the work around here and nobody else ever does ANYTHING! You make me work all the time while everyone else does NOTHING!"

----

Mom: "Time to get out your math book."

AJ: "It's not fair! Ebee (the 4-year-old) doesn't have to do math! Why does she get to play and do FUN school all day, and I have to do math! I hate math! It's not fair! Ebee doesn't have to do it! Why can't I pick what school I want to do like Ebee does?"

----

Mom: "Breakfast time is over. You've had plenty of time to eat, and you chose to throw a tantrum instead of eating. It's time to do school now. If you're still hungry you can have a snack at recess."

AJ: "But I'm still hungry! I've only had ONE bowl of cereal and a banana! I'm going to starve! Why won't you let me eat??? You're going to starve me to death! Why are you trying to kill me???"

----

Mom: Let go of the dog. You're hurting her.

AJ: "Why can't I EVER pet the dog! It's not fair that she's your service dog and she pays more attention to you than anyone else! Why can't I ever touch her??? It's not fair that I don't have a pet!" (Note: She is allowed to pet the dog if she can behave appropriately with her and neither she nor the dog is supposed to be doing something else. She also has pet rabbits that she can pet and play with any time as long as she's not supposed to be doing school or something.)

----

Mom: You get to practice cursive in handwriting today. Here's your worksheet.

AJ: I hate cursive! I'm not good at it! I can't do it!

Mom: Well, you're just learning. You need lots of practice before you'll be good at it. You can't expect to do it perfectly the first time you try. The more you practice, the easier it will get.

AJ: Yes, I should TOO be able to do it perfectly the first time I try! I hate cursive. Nobody needs to know cursive. I'm not going to learn it! Why do I have to do cursive? Why can't I just print everything? I don't need to know cursive.

----

Mom: "Please help pick up the family room so I can vaccuum in there."

AJ: "Why do I have to help pick up? I like things messy! I shouldn't have to help clean. Nobody else has to clean!"

Mom: "Everyone else is picking up too. In this family we all work together and pick up after ourselves. We all live in this house and we all need to help keep it tidy and take care of our things. You are part of this family, and you will help pick up the toys you got out."

AJ: A few minutes later, hands me a note that says, "I can't bear it any longer. I am running away. I will pack my things and leave without saying a word. Please do not try to stop me."

----

All of my kids are also having an issue with constantly correcting others (particularly me, but also each other) and telling them how to do things and that they are doing things wrong. One starts doing it and it rubs off on the others. :(

I have tried verbal corrections, having them practice saying things politely, giving an extra task when they complain about being asked to do something (to give practice doing things cheerfully without complaining when asked), etc. My other kids do this very occasionally also, but not nearly as constantly or as persistently as my 8-year-old. She truly seems to think she should never have to do anything she doesn't want to do, or that's not "fun" (and yes, she will come right out and say that she thinks that). She will say that she thinks I should pick up after her and do all the work, and she should never have to do any work.

On the other hand, sometimes she will cheerfully do work or volunteer to do work. Especially if it's her idea.
rootsintherock
12-18-2009, 01:22 PM
:heart I don't have any advice but wanted to send you :hugheart as I'm in the same position with our 9 yr old DD (almost 10). It can be sooo draining to try so many different approches and not see results. :heart
Eagerly waiting the wise advice from the mamas here!
MarynMunchkins
12-18-2009, 01:30 PM
:lol You can have her call my 8 yo and reassure that she's NOT the only one in the world with a mean mom that makes her clean up and do school. ;)
WanderingJuniper
12-18-2009, 01:45 PM
We are so there right now with our 8 yo. And like you we have tried everything we could think of without seeing results. I'm hoping this is one of those things where we see the results in the future. Until then I'm not sure how I'm going to handle being treated this way.
SuperMama
12-18-2009, 01:58 PM
<raises hand> My 8/almost 9 year old dd too.
I constantly correct, script, hug, pray and sometimes send her to another room if it gets to be too much.
My biggest struggle is that it is hard to *like* her right now. And frankly, she's hard to be around. I have to force myself somedays to do things with her, when I just want to run away. :blush
cornflower
12-18-2009, 02:03 PM
Does it help any that when I read the thread title, my immediate thought was:

"She must have an 8/9yo girl." ??

:lol
purple_kangaroo
12-18-2009, 02:14 PM
Yes, she will be 9 in February. It's sort of both encouraging and discouraging to hear that this is a common issue at this age.
SuperMama
12-18-2009, 02:33 PM
As she's my oldest, it is encouraging, to know, at the very least, she isn't a psycho alien sent here to torture me. :lol
HindsFeet
12-18-2009, 03:29 PM
This has seemed to hit my boys around 7-8, but by 9 my oldest was pretty much over it. I won't say he doesn't ever complain about work, but it's definitely much better. He doesn't give me grief about his regular work - chores, schoolwork, things he expects - but if I ask him to do something extra, then it's sometimes an issue.

Hang in there, and keep at it - it does get better.
MarynMunchkins
12-18-2009, 03:35 PM
Yeah, my 10 yo gives me *much* less than he used to, even though I wouldn't say it's all gone. :)
cornflower
12-18-2009, 04:10 PM
Something that I have found helpful (though I cannot remember it often enough in the moment :doh), is to treat her kind of like an out-of-sorts toddler nursling... when she's acting this way, if I can NOT engage and remember to stop and just ask her to come over for a long, long hug... it really helps.

The long hug reminds me that she is still really, really young and that I don't touch her physically as much as I used to. It reconnects her to me. Almost *every* time I can remember to just give her a hug, she will get tear-y... and it then reminds me HOW hard those first years of puberty were. All the big, big feelings that were kind of scary and hard to manage.

So, HUGS is my remedy.
Aerynne
12-20-2009, 10:45 PM
One thing that helps with my dd (who admittedly is only 5.75) is telling her "Complaining is not allowed. If you can give me a specific, kindly-phrased request, I would love to hear it." It really makes her think about what she really wants. For example the other day she asked for a cd in the car and I put it on. It was the wrong one (we have two similar cd's) She started with "how come we always only listen to this one and not the other one?" I asked for a specific and kindly-phrased request (those start with "Mama, would you please. . .). The specific and kindly-phrased request is a good start, and obviously you won't always say yes to that request, but hearing it is way better than a complaint.
newday
12-20-2009, 11:00 PM
Something that I have found helpful (though I cannot remember it often enough in the moment :doh), is to treat her kind of like an out-of-sorts toddler nursling... when she's acting this way, if I can NOT engage and remember to stop and just ask her to come over for a long, long hug... it really helps.

The long hug reminds me that she is still really, really young and that I don't touch her physically as much as I used to. It reconnects her to me. Almost *every* time I can remember to just give her a hug, she will get tear-y... and it then reminds me HOW hard those first years of puberty were. All the big, big feelings that were kind of scary and hard to manage.

So, HUGS is my remedy.


this is what i was thinking (my dd is 8.5). Zoë complains in much the same way, but often I think she is pulling from an empty "love-bank" I need to be touching her and loving on her all the time right now. That and she is constantly hungry. So I have to have food available all the time too. Those two things, when they are taken care of seem to make things much more manageable.
It isn't easy for me to be affectionate toward her, but I think it is a very big development need for her to have that affection.
Marsha
12-21-2009, 07:36 AM
My 7 year old has pretty much always been this way. I take a very matter of fact approach. If it gets to be too much, I wlll send her to the other rom for awhile because it hurts my ears :-) but honestly for the most part, I kind of chivvy her along. "oh I know, it's not fun, just get it done, oh I know, I don't like it either, but we have to do it" all said in that annoying kindergarten teacher/nurse voice, yoiu know the one right? No disrespect for those of you in that profession LOL

Usually it's exacerbated when she's tired,hungry, missing me, there's been a change in routine (I just started working evenings and she's having a tough time transitioning) and sometimes I just need to stop what I"m doing and hold her for a minute or do something fun with her.

(right now, she's in her room having some space because she was melting down this morning becasue I told her to put on clothes and not jammies...she's upset that we can't stay home all day being lazy...stuff like that!
tryin-to-FROG
12-21-2009, 04:08 PM
I should have read this thread before starting one:)lol So glad I am not the only one- Sounds like I am on the right track...
Susan K
12-21-2009, 05:38 PM
You can tell your daughter that you accorning to my 8 year old ds are not the meanest mom. I have earned that title. I make him make his bed before going to the bus stop.
He also has to wear warm clothes when it is 20 degrees out side.
mamaKristin
12-21-2009, 06:16 PM
I'm finding that 7-9 seems to be "the Land of Fair". If they see an injustice (real or otherwise ;)), it MUST be pointed out, commented on, and occasionally whined about.

The year I was 9, our family friends had their children stay with us for 2 weeks while they were on a business trip. Their oldest was also 9, and their middle was 7. I think my mother was going to lock us all out of the house one day when we wouldn't stop "it's not fair"-ing over everything. Although, it wouldn't have helped, it was summer and all the windows were open - she still could have heard us. :shifty
cornflower
12-21-2009, 08:21 PM
Yes! "Injustice" and fair-ness are big triggers here. :yes

My 9yo feels that I am not allowed to *ever* "change my mind." I can be thinking-out-loud about something, and because it was *said* she will scream at me, "BUT YOU SAID!!!!!"

Apparently if I "said" it is set in stone and can never, ever, ever be changed. (If only! Right?! :giggle)
purple_kangaroo
12-21-2009, 10:32 PM
I'm finding that 7-9 seems to be "the Land of Fair". If they see an injustice (real or otherwise ;)), it MUST be pointed out, commented on, and occasionally whined about.



Hmmm, now that you mention it I remember going through that stage at that age myself. And you know, some of us (myself and AJ included) tend to have an overinflated sense of justice anyway. Which would make that stage even more extreme. :)