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Evenstarlight
07-10-2009, 01:10 PM
Right...so i'm slowly picking up on the values of GD.

One thing I've learned from others is that in general children simply do not get how to share until they are least three years old.
I'm not the kind of parent who hears that and then simply doesn't do anything if we're in a social situation and my daughter won't share a toy or something. I feel a little uncomfortable just saying "she's too young to share, sorry" I try to just gently encourage to share...but at the same time, I don't really expect her to "get it" and I don't make a huge issue of it.

I have decided that modeling sharing, and a generous nature is more important than anything. It's more important to me that she grows up with a generous mentality and a spirit of generostity deeply rooted in her....than that she at the age of 2 and a half can share on demand.

Now...this is the thing. My mother in law...who is in pretty much most ways supportive and great, is really getting a bee in her bonnet about this sharing thing. I've explained about the child development thing..but she just says "oh really" and I can tell she doens't believe me. She announces "we're going to have sharing games" when I drop Iona off to play with her. Tonight when DH went to see her, she told him that "Iona shared with me and I shared with her, WE learned how to share today" she is just really making an issue of it and I feel really annoyed about it.

first off, I don't feel she gets where I'm coming from, and second, I feel she is trying to "prove us wrong" you know how grandparents think the next generation is full of new fangled ideas....

Also, I feel tempted to lash out and question the values of trying to pound the value into the head of a toddler and point out I would rather my child learned generosity by example than how to share just because it's the polite thing to do. My husband, as good as he is, actually struggles to be generous....he may have good manners, but he battles in the area of giving...(and he is aware of it)
I know it would be counter productive to do that...but I'm just really annoyed!!!

twomonkeysmama
07-10-2009, 09:12 PM
I find it so hard when famiy members don't share some values - like this. If they are big issues (spanking, major issues with difference in discipline, what can be eaten etc) it's almost easier, because regardless, it is important enough that I know I will stand my ground.
With things like this, where I KNOW that sharing isn't developmentally logical at this stage (my ds1 is around the same age as your dd) and I try to model and give words to his actions when he does do it, or sees other children doing it. I also try to use alternatives like trading, and having one each etc. Also showing that it is OK for each child to have some things that are special that they don't want to let other people touch.
But, of course, our parents aren't in the same mindset and will say those same things.
Sometimes this happens with the positive discipline stuff too.
If it isn't totally against what I am trying to do, not huritng, and not undoing the good that has already been done, I try to take it in stride (if they don't change their approach after I explain ours), and just let it be an opportunity for ds to learn something in a different way or from a different viewpoint - so far the opportunities to learn at home are so many in comparison to time with any of the grandparents, that the messages are mainly coming from here.
I do respect the way I was brought up - it was largely a positive experience, and I hate the idea of offending or implying that their way was inadequate. So except on the biggies, I explain what we do and why, then keep quiet and keep the peace...
I'm not sure if it's right but it is working for now.
Bottom line - I totally hear what you are saying!

cro
07-11-2009, 10:33 PM
She announces "we're going to have sharing games" when I drop Iona off to play with her. Tonight when DH went to see her, she told him that "Iona shared with me and I shared with her, WE learned how to share today" she is just really making an issue of it and I feel really annoyed about it. Well, of course she has no problem sharing with an ADULT who is completely cooperative w/ her! ;)

Sharing is more of an issue w/ other kids (who usu don't want to share either). "Taking turns" and "trading" are usu easier concepts for LOs to grasp, so that's what we try to do around here. It sounds like you're on the right track - you just have a MIL trying to derail you. twomonkeysmama had some really good suggestions - I tend to do the same w/ my ILs. It's not easy when you feel like you're being undermined every step of the way. In time, you'll figure out which things you want/need to stand firm on and which things you can let go of (even a little...while grinding your teeth). :hug2

sweetpeasmommy
07-12-2009, 12:03 AM
:think I am thinking this is way more about you MIL wanting to be able to say *she* taught her to share than the actual sharing. Some people are just like that.

Codi
07-12-2009, 12:10 AM
:think I am thinking this is way more about you MIL wanting to be able to say *she* taught her to share than the actual sharing. Some people are just like that.

:yes I kind of got that feeling too.

Good advice from the pp!! :tu