Gentle isn't feeling very different from permissive...

[NewLeaf]

I'm new to GBD and know that controlling my kids and forcing them to obey isn't the way to go. But I feel like my 3 year old walks all over me and I don't see what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong.

She's very smart and very verbal and VERY emotional. I know that being smart does not mean that she is as emotionally mature though.

In any case, whenever something doesn't go her way (I ask her to follow a rule and she doesn't feel like it, she doesn't like what we have to eat, which happens ALL THE TIME, or I ask her to wait when she wants something immediately) she won't listen to me or negotiate in any way. If I try to say anything at all she talks over me. If I open my mouth she start yelling so that she can't hear my words. If I try to walk away she follows me, continuing to yell at me and if I don't respond she eventually will start hitting/kicking etc.

She won't let me talk to her but she won't let me walk away either. When she gets really worked up I ask her if she needs help calming down which usually starts a tantrum. After she has a full blown, ear splitting tantrum she will start to cry and tell me that I hurt her feelings and that I'm not being nice. :doh I don't know how to help her understand that discipline doesn't mean I'm being mean.

This happens so many times a day I don't know what to do. It FEELS like she is walking all over me and has no idea that there are any boundaries.

I don't know what to do. I am with my kids 24/7 without help during the week and we are homebound without a car so this only adds to my frustration.
:(

[malakoa]

Yeah.
Three is super hard and there are stickies about it. My four year old has started wanting to negotiate everything and I'm trying not to let her.

Things like tantrums are expected; they aren't your fault. She's just not at the point she can say "Mother, I'm feeling frustrated and angry. Please help me with some coping strategies." She's just not there yet.

[klpmommy]

i want to respond, but :nak right now. i'll come back. meanwhile, read the sticky about 3 y/o's in little explorers. :hug2 (3 was my least favorite age...so much harder than 2 & I didn't expect that)

[NewLeaf]

Going to find stickies...

[ReedleBeetle]

Are we not supposed to let our kids negotiate? :/ That might be where I am meeding up now. :shifty

[cornflower]

I want to second- or third- the concept that 3 is a hard age. It is a trying age, no matter which discipline style you use. In our house, 3 involved lots of bear-hugging with a screaming child. Lots. :shifty Three has lots of big feelings -- for both child and mommy. :giggle

With that out of the way, I want to encourage you to begin to look for the differences in "permissive" and "gentle." It takes most people a bit to see the difference after they've switched from punitive... and then some parents also have to deal with the feelings of "making someone pay" for an infraction even beyond seeing something as gentle.

Example: Three year old wants a cookie. Mom says, "No cookie." Three year old proceeds to have an in-the-floor screaming meltdown about no cookie.

Permissive response: Parent cannot handle the screaming and gives the child the cookie to make the screaming stop. (Sometimes this is a drawn-out process, but if the child gets the cookie in the end, it's probably a permissive response.)

Gentle response (this might look different in different families): Parent reflects feelings, but doesn't give the cookie. If the screaming continues, the parent will take the child to another room or venue to calm down so that the child doesn't disturb the whole family.

[illinoismommy]

In any case, whenever something doesn't go her way (I ask her to follow a rule and she doesn't feel like it, she doesn't like what we have to eat, which happens ALL THE TIME, or I ask her to wait when she wants something immediately) she won't listen to me or negotiate in any way.

Permissive would be at this point saying "okay" or not following through, and doing it her way because she fussed.
"Gentle" but not permissive parenting says, this is how it is. But I'm not going to hit (I mean spank) you just because you don't like it.

I don't know how to help her understand that discipline doesn't mean I'm being mean.

Permissive would be deciding your discipline or where the line is based on her feelings about it.
Non-permissive parenting understands that a 3 year old isn't going to understand AND doesn't have to. :hug2


It FEELS like she is walking all over me and has no idea that there are any boundaries.

I felt the same way when David was 3!! But we made it through and :phew

[milkmommy]

Are we not supposed to let our kids negotiate? :/ That might be where I am meeding up now. :shifty


In our home all bussiness related negoations will be considered.. Mommy may I play on the computer after I finish my home work.. Mommy can I watch a movie on mommy daddy bed after my bath? :yes

Hostage/terriost negioations will NOT be tollorated.. MOMMY I NEED CRACKERS YOU NEVER LISTEN YOU ARE A MEAN MOMMY!!!!! MOMMY PLEASE PLEASE I WANT TV I WONT I WONT YOU DO IT ! :sadno


Deanna

[mamaKristin]

In any case, whenever something doesn't go her way (I ask her to follow a rule and she doesn't feel like it, she doesn't like what we have to eat, which happens ALL THE TIME, or I ask her to wait when she wants something immediately) she won't listen to me or negotiate in any way.

Permissive would be at this point saying "okay" or not following through, and doing it her way because she fussed.
"Gentle" but not permissive parenting says, this is how it is. But I'm not going to hit (I mean spank) you just because you don't like it.

I don't know how to help her understand that discipline doesn't mean I'm being mean.

Permissive would be deciding your discipline or where the line is based on her feelings about it.
Non-permissive parenting understands that a 3 year old isn't going to understand AND doesn't have to. :hug2


It FEELS like she is walking all over me and has no idea that there are any boundaries.

I felt the same way when David was 3!! But we made it through and :phew



Great responses here. :yes To add on, I know that with my 3 year old (who I swear is my most challenging 3 yet), I have to work a lot on my use of language. I don't ask her to follow a rule, nor do I tell her what not to do, I work on wording things in ways that she understands, and gets more cooperation from her. Reading that sentence over, it may sound permissive, but it's more a matter of picking my battles, and choosing to step around potential battles by being proactive. Being playful with her helps a lot, as does making sure I draw my boundaries a bit tighter so we're not bashing heads as my buttons are being pushed too hard.

[ReedleBeetle]

Are we not supposed to let our kids negotiate? :/ That might be where I am meeding up now. :shifty


In our home all bussiness related negoations will be considered.. Mommy may I play on the computer after I finish my home work.. Mommy can I watch a movie on mommy daddy bed after my bath? :yes

Hostage/terriost negioations will NOT be tollorated.. MOMMY I NEED CRACKERS YOU NEVER LISTEN YOU ARE A MEAN MOMMY!!!!! MOMMY PLEASE PLEASE I WANT TV I WONT I WONT YOU DO IT ! :sadno


Deanna


We mostly have the first, but occasionally have had the second. The second has only worked when calming has happened and we have been able to talk about it, except in the case of a hungry child screaming for food. We calm them, state we heard they were hungry and then have them ask politely. Then we feed them. Everytime.

[klpmommy]

I want to also add that playful parenting is a huge blessing for 3 y/o's. It saved my sanity with P. :shifty Seriously. It works so well.

Also, try the five steps, there is a sticky about that in the FAQ folder.

Permissive is saying stuff & not following through. It teaches our kids that our words mean nothing, they are just air.
Gentle is saying things & following through, helping our kids or coming up with "different" ways to gain cooperation.
Sometimes gentle does involve "forcing" your child to do something, but not in a hurtful, punitive way, instead in a helping or playful way. For example, kids need to be safe so somethings are NOT "negotiable" like holding hands in the parking lot. But if a child is having trouble with it you can get a harness, use a carrier/sling, put her in a stroller or cart. Those are all gentle ways to achieve a necessary goal. The child is not always going to like it, but that doesn't change that it has to be done. So I might have a screaming 2 y/o in the shopping cart, but that is the rule for safety. Gentle does NOT mean the child is always going to like it. <---- that is still hard for me sometimes.

Also, if you are stopping a punitive form of parenting it is going to be hard at first for all of you. :hug

[NovelMama]

I'm new to GBD and know that controlling my kids and forcing them to obey isn't the way to go. But I feel like my 3 year old walks all over me and I don't see what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong.

She's very smart and very verbal and VERY emotional. I know that being smart does not mean that she is as emotionally mature though.

Hey, how did we end up with the same DD? :D

In any case, whenever something doesn't go her way (I ask her to follow a rule and she doesn't feel like it, she doesn't like what we have to eat, which happens ALL THE TIME, or I ask her to wait when she wants something immediately) she won't listen to me or negotiate in any way. If I try to say anything at all she talks over me. If I open my mouth she start yelling so that she can't hear my words. If I try to walk away she follows me, continuing to yell at me and if I don't respond she eventually will start hitting/kicking etc.

She won't let me talk to her but she won't let me walk away either. When she gets really worked up I ask her if she needs help calming down which usually starts a tantrum. After she has a full blown, ear splitting tantrum she will start to cry and tell me that I hurt her feelings and that I'm not being nice. :doh I don't know how to help her understand that discipline doesn't mean I'm being mean.

I would make sure you tell her during a calm time (ie, during a time when you're not engaged in any kind of disciplining or argument with her) that when she talks over you, yells over you, and/or tries to hurt you, you *will* separate yourself from her because it is unkind and painful, and that you'll be happy to talk to her once she's willing to listen to you. You CAN walk away, you CAN close a door between you and her--she will most likely (most certainly, if she's like my DD) get angry you're doing it, but her anger does not control you and you don't have to kowtow to her emotions. When AJ gets like that I do everything I can to show her that I am trying to work with her, but when she makes it impossible, I remove her to another room. We have gates galore up in our house because of the baby, so I usually put her on the other side of the baby gate from me. We can still hear and see each other, but it's a boundary that shows I will not allow her to mistreat me. Typically all I have to do is say, "If you continue to scream like that, you'll need to leave the room," and she stops. (She may start crying, but I can handle crying. Screaming, not so much.)

Something I've learned from many other mamas here is that a passionate response does not mean you're doing the wrong thing. A lot of times it means you're doing the RIGHT thing, because kids will often chafe when they run up against a boundary they don't like. But just because they're screaming/angry doesn't mean you need to change what you're doing.

Also--try not to take her "you're mean" comments personally. It's just a way for her to express her frustration, and it doesn't matter how you explain things, she's not going to say "Oh, I get it now, okay, your discipline is fair and gentle." :giggle

:hug

[mamaKristin]

Something I've learned from many other mamas here is that a passionate response does not mean you're doing the wrong thing. A lot of times it means you're doing the RIGHT thing, because kids will often chafe when they run up against a boundary they don't like. But just because they're screaming/angry doesn't mean you need to change what you're doing.

I know *I* needed this reminder today. :shifty

[mountainash]

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen and Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka were the two parenting books that most helped me survive three. Playful Parenting provided me with ideas for redirecting in a playful manner so that I could form connections with my son even in the midst of the seemingly constant redirection he required at that age. Raising Your Spirited Child helped me see that a "bad" character trait can become a good character trait with a little creativity and some thinking-ahead.

It gets easier. Six to eight months ago I would have never guessed my son would be such a joy to be around.

[Shnooky]

Something I've learned from many other mamas here is that a passionate response does not mean you're doing the wrong thing. A lot of times it means you're doing the RIGHT thing, because kids will often chafe when they run up against a boundary they don't like. But just because they're screaming/angry doesn't mean you need to change what you're doing.

I know *I* needed this reminder today. :shifty


I need to remember this too.

[NewLeaf]

Thank you so much for the reassurance and the ideas. Obviously I'm overwhelmed trying to think of discipline in a whole new way and starting with a 3 year old is a double whammy!

I read a lot of the stickies I couldn't find them before and kept wondering why certain topic/issues hadn't been touched on at all. Then I found them! :tu Gosh do I have a lot to learn/absorb/implement.

The 5 Steps usually goes from 1 straight to 5 as of late. :/ Bear hugging her at this point feels wrong. She becomes IRATE if I try to hold her and definitely don't want her to feel that she is being punished/held against her will. Previously I had been removing her to her room to calm down where she was allowed to stomp, hit pillows or hit her hands on the carpet and vent her frustration and know that I would come back whenever she decided she needed help calming down or was ready to listen. But I had gotten the idea that this was bad because she might feel abandoned? Or that I shouldn't separate myself from her when her behavior was unacceptable? As though I would teach her that she is unlovable when she is mad/disobedient.

She's just a ball of grump right now. :shifty Unless I am feeding her chocolate by the pound and reading to her endlessly she is down right unpleasant. I can be talking to dh and say I like something and she says "Well I don't like it!" or taking her home from time at the park, which she loves "Hey Grumpus, I had such a nice time with you at the park. That was a lot of fun." "No it was not. I don't like the park. I want some ice cream." :hunh

I guess I don't know where all the negative energy comes from. And I'm also dealing with a huge punitive background and am all alone on the front lines 24/7. I do much better when dh is here to back me up/tag team but that is only for a short time on the weekends.

I've been trying to do some playful parenting, she usually will not be redirected or distracted because she's so grumpy but I am getting the book from the library this week and I'm gonna see if it will help. I do try to talk to her when we're calm and having a cuddle moment and she'll say "Uh-huh. Yes. You should talk more nicely and be more patient too." She turns it around to me and I just say "Yes. That's right. We should both try to remember to what is right." :shrug3

Thanks again for ideas. Never in a million years did I think she would act this way. She was so unbelievably cheerful and compliant before now that I thought it was just her personality. I've got a lot of :pray4 to do for me and for how I handle her.

[HummusDip]

:hug I'm dealing with an almost identical 3.5yo.

[Soaring Eagle]

My 5 1/2 yr old daughter also tells me I'm not nice when I don't do what she says. I just wanted to give you a :hug2. I know I'm trying to figure all of this GBD out...At times it feels like she is walking all over me and is also very emotional. It all started when she turned 3.

I'll be reading the rest of this thread with interest.

[klpmommy]

:hug

P was a wonderful compliant 2 y/o. 3 knocked me gor a loop b/c of it.

i'm double :nak2 but i'll come back w/ playful ideas for you.

[cornflower]

The 5 Steps usually goes from 1 straight to 5 as of late. confused Bear hugging her at this point feels wrong. She becomes IRATE if I try to hold her and definitely don't want her to feel that she is being punished/held against her will.

With a 3.5yo, you are often not doing "do you need help?" steps b/c EVERYTHING is such a battle that for awhile, you just know as the mom that the 3.5yo is unable to comply without help. :shrug3

When 3.5yo, my elder DD *hated* the bear hug. I vividly remember sitting in my kitchen floor on 2-3 occasions holding her for many minutes while she fought me crazy-style. It felt like I was wrestling an alligator. I marveled at her strength. When she would relax and stop fighting, I would loosen my hold to more of a "hug strength," and if she started fighting again I held more tightly again to maintain control of her limbs. I reserved the bear hug for when she was flipping out and raging at me and trying to hit me b/c she was angry about something I wouldn't let her do. (BTW, she was a relatively mild-mannered child before 3yo, and is a mild-mannered and pretty compliant child now at 8.5yo.) Doing these bear hugs was additionally difficult b/c my younger DD was 1yo at this time... and she just didn't understand the yelling and raging that her sister was doing, and I couldn't let go of the 3.5yo to comfort the 1yo b/c of the being hit/kicked danger.

3.5yo really sucked with my elder child. It was not as hard with my second child, and it wasn't all just b/c of my experience. :phew

[ShiriChayim]

She becomes IRATE if I try to hold her and definitely don't want her to feel that she is being punished/held against her will. Previously I had been removing her to her room to calm down where she was allowed to stomp, hit pillows or hit her hands on the carpet and vent her frustration and know that I would come back whenever she decided she needed help calming down or was ready to listen. But I had gotten the idea that this was bad because she might feel abandoned? Or that I shouldn't separate myself from her when her behavior was unacceptable? As though I would teach her that she is unlovable when she is mad/disobedient. My 4yo cannot calm down around other people. If he is truly out of control, I will take him to his room and let him get out all of his angries in there. Sometimes he asks me to stay, so I will. When your daughter is melting down like that, what she needs is a way to work through her anger. If having alone time is what she needs to do that, then I don't think taking her to her room is a bad solution. :)

[klpmommy]

She's just a ball of grump right now. Unless I am feeding her chocolate by the pound and reading to her endlessly she is down right unpleasant. I can be talking to dh and say I like something and she says "Well I don't like it!" or taking her home from time at the park, which she loves "Hey Grumpus, I had such a nice time with you at the park. That was a lot of fun." "No it was not. I don't like the park. I want some ice cream."

For the "I don't like it" comments I have talked to my kids a lot about how we don't have to like the same things. "I know you don't like broccoli. but I love it. Isn't it great that we don't all have to like the same things? What is something you like that I might not?" And other than that, I typically ignore it. They don't have to *like* it all, you know?

For leaving the park comments. "Oh, the park was so boring. You didn't get to slide. Or swing. Or run. Or play. I made you sit on a bench & eat broccoli the whole time. I wouldn't find that fun, either." I make it big & over the top. I do the same thing with "meanest mommy" comments. "Yup, I'm the meanest mommy you have. I don't let you play or have toys or eat yummy foods....." As for wanting ice cream, it depends on the situation. I might say "we can have ice cream on Saturday" (or whenever) or I might say that we can have broccoli flavored ice cream *right now*. Or I might have a play time where we have a pretend ice cream-- what flavor do you want? How many scoops? And pretend to be eating one very exaggerated. Really big & over the top play worked well with P. Not with E. She is way too literal.


Negative? That sounds like E. I think some kids are just more negative personality wise. :shrug I let her be negative. It doesn't change things much. :shrug It is hard b/c I was raised that kids were always to be cheerful & "yes ma'am", not negotiate & complain about every single thing. E has pretty much always been that way. P it comes & goes.

As for bear hugs-- they don't work on all kids. And not all kids need them. I use them on P, although it has been a while since he raged enough to need one.

[NewLeaf]

My 4yo cannot calm down around other people. If he is truly out of control, I will take him to his room and let him get out all of his angries in there. Sometimes he asks me to stay, so I will. When your daughter is melting down like that, what she needs is a way to work through her anger. If having alone time is what she needs to do that, then I don't think taking her to her room is a bad solution. :)

:phew That's what I was hoping to here. When she is very mad NOTHING will do any good unless she lets it run the course. I was afraid letting her act out her frustration in her room might be too permissive or seem like separation/time out, which of course, I don't want.

[NewLeaf]

My 5 1/2 yr old daughter also tells me I'm not nice when I don't do what she says. I just wanted to give you a :hug2. I know I'm trying to figure all of this GBD out...At times it feels like she is walking all over me and is also very emotional. It all started when she turned 3.

I'll be reading the rest of this thread with interest.

:hug2 to you too! It certainly doesn't hurt my feelings that she thinks I'm not being nice. But when she says 'You hurt my feelings when you told me to ____." I didn't know how to explain to her that I will be telling her what to do because I'm her mom, I love her and that discipline doesn't mean I'm mad. But I guess we have to wait for them to grow into understanding, huh?

3 really is rough. I mean, everyone was like "The two's, the two's, the two's!" and I thought we'd made it through without so much as a bump or scratch. I thought 'Parenting is easy! I've got this made!" :giggle It's probably better I had no idea!

[klpmommy]

seriously, whoever came up w/ terrible twos did not yet have a 3 y/o

[Aisling]

seriously, whoever came up w/ terrible twos did not yet have a 3 y/o

:lol Ain't that the truth?? Four has been a bit of a bugaboo for us, too (but not nearly as explosive!) ...the closer we're getting to five, the more I'm :phew :dance

:giggle

You've gotten some excellent advice, Newleaf. :hug I noticed your 3yo likes to read...something that helped my first when she was three (also a book lover) was getting some of my relatives and sibs to post videos of themselves reading the girls' favorite books on their YouTube account. It was better than t.v., and it enabled me to get a bit of work/quiet time in without screaming. :P~

Also, a predictable schedule helped a TON. I blame a lot of things on the clock. "The clock/whiteboard says it's time for XYZ right now. Thus-and-thus comes at 3:00. :yes"

[Spirit-Breathed-Mothering]

I enjoy watching the brain of a 3 year old develop... It's so funny! :)

With my 3 year old, I give him choices. LOTS AND LOTS of choices. Helps him feel more in control. But the key to choices is to give 2 or 3 very selectively chosen ones, ALL of which you are okay with if the child picks it, and one of which is your back-up plan (naptime, bedtime, or a quiet corner) in case he wants to hold out for the thing that he's not allowed to have...

Say he wants to watch tv but he's already watched enough for the day. You tell him no more tv...he whines, he begs, he pleads, he falls on the floor and he's dying...

That's when I see he needs some direction. So I say something (cheerfully) like, "Sorry, but it's not TV time right now. Let me tell you your choices for right now and you get to pick which one you want. You can play with Lego's (I point dramatically to the lego area) or you can draw a picture (I point dramatically to the table) or you can take a nap (I point dramatically to his room). What choice would you like to make?"

He may buck or whine or not want any and demand that he wants TV... at which point I say, "Hmmm... Sounds like you want to choose a nap. *shrugs* Okay, I guess so, if that's what you want. Let's go..." and I cheerfully begin to pick him up to go to his room, whereupon he hollers that he most certainly does NOT want a nap and then (now that he's realizing that TV is totally NOT an option and mom is going to stick with her guns) decides he wants to play lego's.

"Are you sure you want lego's? Because you can choose a nap if you want to...?" I say to him, making him feel like Lego's is TOTALLY his choice, all by himself (the 3 year old motto is "all by myself," after all)...

He nods vigorously and goes to the Lego area and sits down to play happily.

We both win. :) It gives him the feeling of having some control without letting it be permissive.

[Soaring Eagle]

seriously, whoever came up w/ terrible twos did not yet have a 3 y/o


:yes

[jewelmcjem]

I enjoy watching the brain of a 3 year old develop... It's so funny! :)

With my 3 year old, I give him choices. LOTS AND LOTS of choices. Helps him feel more in control. But the key to choices is to give 2 or 3 very selectively chosen ones, ALL of which you are okay with if the child picks it, and one of which is your back-up plan (naptime, bedtime, or a quiet corner) in case he wants to hold out for the thing that he's not allowed to have...

Say he wants to watch tv but he's already watched enough for the day. You tell him no more tv...he whines, he begs, he pleads, he falls on the floor and he's dying...

That's when I see he needs some direction. So I say something (cheerfully) like, "Sorry, but it's not TV time right now. Let me tell you your choices for right now and you get to pick which one you want. You can play with Lego's (I point dramatically to the lego area) or you can draw a picture (I point dramatically to the table) or you can take a nap (I point dramatically to his room). What choice would you like to make?"

He may buck or whine or not want any and demand that he wants TV... at which point I say, "Hmmm... Sounds like you want to choose a nap. *shrugs* Okay, I guess so, if that's what you want. Let's go..." and I cheerfully begin to pick him up to go to his room, whereupon he hollers that he most certainly does NOT want a nap and then (now that he's realizing that TV is totally NOT an option and mom is going to stick with her guns) decides he wants to play lego's.

"Are you sure you want lego's? Because you can choose a nap if you want to...?" I say to him, making him feel like Lego's is TOTALLY his choice, all by himself (the 3 year old motto is "all by myself," after all)...

He nods vigorously and goes to the Lego area and sits down to play happily.

We both win. :) It gives him the feeling of having some control without letting it be permissive.




Oh wow, that's good. I think it would work on 5 too. (maybe even 9 and 10 if I'm crafty enough!) lol

[ShiriChayim]

My 4yo cannot calm down around other people. If he is truly out of control, I will take him to his room and let him get out all of his angries in there. Sometimes he asks me to stay, so I will. When your daughter is melting down like that, what she needs is a way to work through her anger. If having alone time is what she needs to do that, then I don't think taking her to her room is a bad solution. :)

:phew That's what I was hoping to here. When she is very mad NOTHING will do any good unless she lets it run the course. I was afraid letting her act out her frustration in her room might be too permissive or seem like separation/time out, which of course, I don't want.
I think the permissiveness or the separation issues will depend on you and how you handle the situation. If she's destroying her room when she's there by pulling things apart or throwing toys, that's not ok, she still should be getting her anger out in appropriate ways. With Peyton, sometimes he needs to put his tracks together (it's like a puzzle, it calms him) which is fine, it's a good calming technique, but if he starts throwing them I take them away. He can punch a pillow but he cannot tear the bed apart. See what I mean?

As far as the abandonment is concerned it depends on why you're taking her to her room. Some people really need some space in order to be able to calm themselves, and Peyton is like that. He really needs space, so I use his room to teach him how to achieve that in a constructive way. However, if you're taking her there more like, "you're being too angry so now you have to stay there" sort of thing, that becomes punitive. A lot of it will be up to YOU to use her room time as a teaching tool, not as a punishment. :) :)

[NewLeaf]

I enjoy watching the brain of a 3 year old develop... It's so funny! :)

With my 3 year old, I give him choices. LOTS AND LOTS of choices. Helps him feel more in control. But the key to choices is to give 2 or 3 very selectively chosen ones, ALL of which you are okay with if the child picks it, and one of which is your back-up plan (naptime, bedtime, or a quiet corner) in case he wants to hold out for the thing that he's not allowed to have...

Say he wants to watch tv but he's already watched enough for the day. You tell him no more tv...he whines, he begs, he pleads, he falls on the floor and he's dying...

That's when I see he needs some direction. So I say something (cheerfully) like, "Sorry, but it's not TV time right now. Let me tell you your choices for right now and you get to pick which one you want. You can play with Lego's (I point dramatically to the lego area) or you can draw a picture (I point dramatically to the table) or you can take a nap (I point dramatically to his room). What choice would you like to make?"

He may buck or whine or not want any and demand that he wants TV... at which point I say, "Hmmm... Sounds like you want to choose a nap. *shrugs* Okay, I guess so, if that's what you want. Let's go..." and I cheerfully begin to pick him up to go to his room, whereupon he hollers that he most certainly does NOT want a nap and then (now that he's realizing that TV is totally NOT an option and mom is going to stick with her guns) decides he wants to play lego's.

"Are you sure you want lego's? Because you can choose a nap if you want to...?" I say to him, making him feel like Lego's is TOTALLY his choice, all by himself (the 3 year old motto is "all by myself," after all)...

He nods vigorously and goes to the Lego area and sits down to play happily.

We both win. :) It gives him the feeling of having some control without letting it be permissive.

That's awesome! I never thought of making my back up plan a 'choice'! :clap Genius!