so, a newbie question

[parcadules 2003]

i haven't read the books yet -- i'm using you guys as my resources for now. i've always been a "follow your instincts" kind of mom, so parenting by the book is kind of tough for me . . .

that said, i want to know: is "obedience" not considered a good thing, within this parenting philosophy? i like the whole spirit of this site, and i agree with almost everything i've read here so far, but i can't quite make sense of this one thing.

thanks.

[Granola_mom]

Welcome!!
I'm definitely not an expert, just a momma trying to do the best for her kiddos, however there are some "experts" here, so hopefully they'll see this thread and add something too!
To me obedience is very important, although I don't believe my children should obey me out of fear or an unhealthy expectation, that they'll "get what they want" if they do.

The difference I find in our collective philosophy is that children are let to be just that, children, not robots. Allowing our kids the freedom to chose and giving them the ability to grow a heart that desires to obey...like I said, not out of fear, but out of love. That can only come out of an understanding, grace-filled, loving home. Where they are not afraid.

[CapeTownMommy]

First off, :welcome to Gentle Christian Mothers! It is IMHO the *BEST* place on the internet.

As far as obedience goes - we absolutely believe obedience is a good thing. We want to raise children who are obedient, kind, gentle and who love God. However, we do not believe:

* That toddlers are able to obey first time, every time
* That disobedience deserves punishment
* That obedience out of fear is a good thing

We want our children to learn self-discipline, to understand why certain behaviours are the right thing to do and to respect our authority in the home. We just disagree (sometimes vehemently) with how some authors out there say this must happen. We want to TEACH our children to do what is right and to obey, not punish them until they fear what will happen if they disobey.

So for me, blind and fearful obedience (think the 3yo who immediately sits absolutely still and quiet when his dad tells him to keep quiet) is not a good thing. On the other hand, my 2.5yo who reluctantly hands over the crayon she was about to use to draw on the walls, without fear and knowing I will find her something else to entertain her, is a beautiful thing.

[parcadules 2003]

thanks, both of those responses make a lot of sense. and (yay!) seem to fit with my own intuitions. but i really *should* read some books, i know. i read a ton when i was pregnant with my first child, and while he was still a newborn i realized that they were making me more anxious than anything else. all the "experts" disagreed with each other, and often with my own mothering instincts (yes, i was reading babywise at that moment. yikes!). so i think i kind of threw the baby out with the bathwater. so to speak. :)

[katiekind]

i haven't read the books yet -- i'm using you guys as my resources for now. i've always been a "follow your instincts" kind of mom, so parenting by the book is kind of tough for me . . .

that said, i want to know: is "obedience" not considered a good thing, within this parenting philosophy? i like the whole spirit of this site, and i agree with almost everything i've read here so far, but i can't quite make sense of this one thing.

thanks.


Welcome! Following your instincts is great! I think it is wise not to parent by a book, since most authors have not met you or your children. Exchanging ideas with other mothers is a great way to go. When my children were young I would watch other mothers that treated their children kindly, patiently and respectfully, while also guiding them toward better ways of handling things when that needed to happen.

Hopefully you'll find good ideas along those lines here!

[StewardofLOs]

I have parented by instinct since DS was born as well, which is what led me here! :heart It has only been recently (DS is 20 months) that I've read *any* books, and it started because I needed a few more tools in my tool box for dealing with a spirited child. Don't feel like you *have* to read anything--you can learn a lot just by hanging around here. :tu. If you are interested in a few titles, I'm sure we could give you suggestions if we have an idea of what you're looking for. :shrug3

oh and :welcomedove

[mommy2keeg]

Obedience is definitely important. As believers, we are all called to be obedient. That said, I don't expect or require first-time obedience. I realize that I am raising children, not robots. Therefore, if they balk, deep down, I sometimes applaud the fact that they challenge authority because I know they aren't going to be easily swayed. I believe that explanations are essential in teaching why it is important for children to be obedient. My ultimate goal is to help them want to make the right decision not because they are doing as they are told, but because they are doing it because it is right. I have found that explaining and rephrasing has been helpful in making them understand why they should or should not do something.

I'm really tired this afternoon, so I hope this all makes sense!

[Amber]

The way I view it, obedience is a heart issue. It isn't something I can force or require, because it has to come from my child's heart and a deep desire to do what I want them to.

Now, on the other hand, I do require compliance. They do have to do what I have told them ;) Sometimes that requires me to help them comply, other times they do it on their own.

[Codi]

Following your instincts is always the best idea! :yes That is what lead me here as well.

You have gotten some great advice here! Hope you love it here as much as I do!

Welcome!

[parcadules 2003]

thanks, all. very helpful, very insightful! i think my 5yo is going to be really glad i found this site! and i know i am -- i tend to feel isolated from most of my fellow christian parents because our discipline philosophies seem so very different. not utterly cut off, you know. just i seem to need some like-minded companionship and advice. so thanks again!

[ValiantJoy07]

WELCOME and I'm so glad you asked that question... I have been trying to think for days of a way to word it...I'm new to GBD and this is some thing I was trying to sort out as well... These answers have been VERY helpful!!! :phew

[boobymummy]

DS is only 8mths old (nearly) but thats not too early to start 'disciplining' (or more accurately punishing) according to some models of baby management. As yet, I try to pick my battles and to make the world a place which has only as many boundaries and resitrictions as are really necessary. At the moment that means that when my bub tries to crawl on his dads pelican case on top of the tiles (and he can hardly crawl yet) I don't stop him from doing it, I put pillows around him so that if he falls off he might get a fright, but he will learn to be more careful. This way he also gets the thrill of learning and achieving something new, and exploring. It also takes more supervision on my behalf but I think it is good for him. xo :heart

[StewardofLOs]

DS is only 8mths old (nearly) but thats not too early to start 'disciplining' (or more accurately punishing) according to some models of baby management. As yet, I try to pick my battles and to make the world a place which has only as many boundaries and resitrictions as are really necessary. At the moment that means that when my bub tries to crawl on his dads pelican case on top of the tiles (and he can hardly crawl yet) I don't stop him from doing it, I put pillows around him so that if he falls off he might get a fright, but he will learn to be more careful. This way he also gets the thrill of learning and achieving something new, and exploring. It also takes more supervision on my behalf but I think it is good for him. xo :heart

That's basically what I've done with my very active, now 20 month old boy. He is going to climb and jump and explore. I believe he *needs* to. It's up to me to provide the right environment for him to experience these new things without serious harm, but leave room for him to learn things himself. It's so freeing to be able to say "yes" most of the time (and then provide adequate boundaries for safety) than to be constantly saying "no!" He is *so* careful and knows what his body can and cannot do, even at this age. Plus, I think he listens more those times when we do say no. (Like when we say something is hot, he'll stop reaching for it and just blow air at it :giggle)