Dealing with other parents not disciplining

[phathui5]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I got home from work last night (I tutor from 6-7:30). Dh had had our children and the three year old I was watching. Apparently, when her mom came to pick her up, the child pushed my dd, spit on my three year old and hit the baby, all within minutes of each other. With the baby, she had been trying to take his dessert away after dh and her mom told her not to. She said she hit him because he wouldn't share. There was no provocation for pushing dd or spitting at ds3.

Dh said that her mom's only response was to tell her that what she was doing wasn't nice, "we" don't hit/push friends, etc. And something about finding her inner peace. This is her usual discipline method, to talk about your feelings. That would make sense to me if she were six, but the kid is three. And for having a mom who's into gentle discipline, she's the most violent child I've babysat.

I need some advice ladies. What do you do when another parent and child are in your home and the parent is basically letting the kid run amok and hurt people? Dh felt like he couldn't say anything because it was the mom's job to get her child under control, but that wasn't happening.

[KatieMae]

When something like that happens at our house, I usually try to physically remove my kids from harm. It might mean picking up the baby, or redirecting a big kid to play somewhere else in the room or go to the couch & watch tv for a minute. I don't directly discipline the other child if the mom is right there, but it IS my job to protect mine.

If it's a long-lasting thing while we're trying to have a playdate, I might suggest to the mom that they could come over another day when Kiddo was in a better mood. That kind of suggestion doesn't place blame on the parent or the child, I think, so it's usually well-taken and not embarrassing for the mom, but it does make it clear to her that Kiddo needs to be nice if she wants to play with my little ones.

As far as the child being otherwise well-behaved at your house, but then bad when Mommy arrives - I've seen that happen a lot :think I can't give you a reason why, but I do think it's common.

[CrunchySeaSalt]

Same as Katie, I would remove MY child, and if it kept happening then I would suggest that the child return another day when they were feeling better.

[phathui5]

She's a child I'm watching, not a playdate, so I would feel bad kicking her out before her mom gets off work. She's pretty agressive when her mom's not here, but when mom comes to pick her up, she's out of control.

[mommy2keeg]

She's a child I'm watching, not a playdate, so I would feel bad kicking her out before her mom gets off work. She's pretty agressive when her mom's not here, but when mom comes to pick her up, she's out of control.


Have you discussed the aggression with mom? Has mom been working a lot of hours lately and her dd isn't adjusting well to the separation? I just keep thinking about the saying "Kids who feel bad, act bad." At the same time, what would you do in her situation? I mean, aside from scripting and removing your children when she is aggressive, I don't know how much more you can do. If this seems to be a never-ending problem, then you need to have a heart to heart with the mom. Your kids shouldn't be at risk for being hurt, but at the same time, this child is only 3 yrs. old and aggression at this age is pretty normal. I am also curious to know what your expectations of this 3 yr. old are at this point? Does she have siblings?

Just :think

[Amythestmama]

:shifty My kids tend to behave nicely while I'm gone and then the moment I walk in the door they begin doing things that they *know* are not allowed- they hit, push each other; they yell "NO" when I say something...etc :shrug :scratch :doh They completely disregard any attempt on my part until I pick them up and carry them to another room and talk firmly to them- "You may not do X. I understand you don't want to go home and you still may not hit/push/whatever, not listen etc. When you are ready to listen and be polite you can pick one more thing to do before we leave."
AFA the child being one I care for- I would do with them the same thing I'd do with my own. And if it was a child I cared for all day, every day, I would feel the freedom to continue that even with the child's parent(s) present if they were not doing anything. I might also tell the parent what I'd been doing and how it worked for me if they were open to it. IME, some mothers who work really do not have any idea how to care for their own child. Sad and not true for every mother but I've seen quite a few who had *no* clue how to care for their own child b/c the said child was always in daycare. Just my 2 cents. ;)

[BHope]

That time of transition for kids can be emotionally charged. There's the excitement of seeing mom, the processing of any disappointment and hurt that wasn't addressed during the day, the anger of being left behind... Kids process that by asserting themselves and obviously that assertion often manifests in less than appropriate behavior. I would partner with the mom in finding a way to work through the transition time and I would ensure my kids were protected. If that means having Mom call before she comes in, so that you can meet her outside. :shrug I'd do it.

[ArmsOfLove]

Your dh (or you) could have spoken for your children--giving them a voice.

"Oh, she didn't like being spit on. she is telling you that was yucky and hurt her feelings. and he didn't appreciate being kicked. That hurts. His tears are saying, 'you need to not kick me! I don't like it.'"

This sets boundaries with the child; models setting boundaries for your children; and makes it very clear these things aren't acceptable.

[brandi]

I have no problem disciplining children who are in my home, whos parents don't discipline them. Especially if said DC hurt mine. I have told DC many times before, "You may NOT hit/push/pull/kick/whathaveyou my child. He is hurt and crying. If he is doing something to you, you come and get me and I will take care of it." Then I try to figure out what started the problem to start with and work on problem solving with all the DC involved.

in the incedent I was refrencing above, the mother of the DC was ignoring the situation. If she had attempted discipline, I may not have had to say anything.

[hillview]

Maybe she really doesn't know what to do :shrug. 3 can be really a TOUGH age. Could you loan her a book (if you have one)? Or talk to her about something your DC did and what YOU did about it as a leaning tool? Maybe also not in the heat of the moment, talk to her about what you are observing, explain what you do with your DC and "check with her" on if you are on the same page. Maybe if she has a plan she could be more effective?
/hillary

[sunshine mommy]

for those who want to understand "why" I will tell you. It's because children feel safe to let out all their "hurt" when they are with us. After being away from us all day and "Storing" that hurt, they let it all out once they are in our presence. its very normal. in this case, the child's parents are not together if I remember correctly from another board - we are talking about a single working mother - so I can only imagine the additional hurt that 3yo is experiencing in addition to just being separated from her mother while he mother works full time. This would be a case where I would exercise compassion. I would protect my own children and let it be a teachable moment for them. I would also offer support to the mom and talk over any concerns I have.

[Elora]

At the same time, what would you do in her situation? I mean, aside from scripting and removing your children when she is aggressive, I don't know how much more you can do. If this seems to be a never-ending problem, then you need to have a heart to heart with the mom. Your kids shouldn't be at risk for being hurt, but at the same time, this child is only 3 yrs. old and aggression at this age is pretty normal. I am also curious to know what your expectations of this 3 yr. old are at this point? Does she have siblings?

Just :think
:popcorn