"hurting is right" now what?

[greenishmama]

DS 3.5 wanted the toy baby (9 months) had. Baby did not take it from him. In fact, he had wanted what baby had and we had already done a switch. but it doesn't matter- he ALWAYS wants whatever baby has- even when he is busy playing something else. (I really can't take it anymore.... but not the main reason for this post)

In an attempt to take the toys from baby (wedgits- there were other loose ones DS could have used) I saw him purposely lean in and try to kneel on baby in a way that would hurt him while he tried to take the toys away.

1. I get enraged when I see him hurt or try to hurt baby- I need help with that obviously.

I pulled him away and carried him to the bathroom stool for a time out (yes- I know time out is wrong.... I don't know what else to do).

2. when I talked to him calmly (ok- I"m sure he could hear in my voice I was not completely sweet and calm) and I said "we don't hurt people" "Hurting people is wrong".
He said "Hurting is RIGHT".

didn't I say the right thing? Now what?

I'm not able to remain calm when DS hurts baby- I find it horrible and unbearable.

I know it's cause he's mad at baby- baby ALWAYS "has what he wants". But I haven't been successful at changing that either.

please help, before things really go downhill!

[MarynMunchkins]

Reflecting his feelings should help. "You wanted the toy. You are frustrated the baby has what you want." Teaching him to ask for help when he's frustrated should help protect the baby.

We always taught kids to trade with the baby. As long as the baby gives up the toy willingly, I don't care how many times it gets swapped. :shrug

[greenishmama]

Reflecting his feelings should help. "You wanted the toy. You are frustrated the baby has what you want." Teaching him to ask for help when he's frustrated should help protect the baby.

We always taught kids to trade with the baby. As long as the baby gives up the toy willingly, I don't care how many times it gets swapped. :shrug


I did reflect feelings a few times before it happened!! that is what is so frustrating.

doesn't letting him swap over and over and get what he wants from baby whenever he wants it teach him that it's not important what baby wants and as long as he wants it and can trade it that's fine? or does he outgrow it before baby is old enough to really get engrossed in something and know that brother is taking advantage? (not sure if that makes sense- I'm in a hurry...)

[MomtoJGJ]

Trading is two ways.... if the baby didn't want to give it up it would no longer be trading. But as long as everyone's happy with the outcome it doesn't matter how many times they switch.

[MarynMunchkins]

If the baby trades toys willingly, I don't think it matters. :shrug It will get to the point where the baby won't. ;) I actually think it helps avoid sibling rivalry to give the bigger kid a tool to use where they can get what they want and take some advantage of the fact that the baby is happy with pretty much anything. In the next 6 months or so, that will change, but it's handy while it lasts.

If you see he's frustrated enough to reflect his feelings before the hitting/pushing starts, I would intervene then. Try redirecting him to something else or helping him trade.

[Blue Aurora]

We also did trading until ds2 started making it clear he didn't want to trade.

[greenishmama]

what about when there are multiple parts like wedgits, duplos, etc. and there are plenty for DS 3.5 but he insists on taking the few that baby has too?

[MarynMunchkins]

Really, if he hands the baby the extra pieces, why does it matter? :hug

[Iveyrock]

DS 3.5 wanted the toy baby (9 months) had. Baby did not take it from him. In fact, he had wanted what baby had and we had already done a switch. but it doesn't matter- he ALWAYS wants whatever baby has- even when he is busy playing something else. (I really can't take it anymore.... but not the main reason for this post)

In an attempt to take the toys from baby (wedgits- there were other loose ones DS could have used) I saw him purposely lean in and try to kneel on baby in a way that would hurt him while he tried to take the toys away.

1. I get enraged when I see him hurt or try to hurt baby- I need help with that obviously.

I pulled him away and carried him to the bathroom stool for a time out (yes- I know time out is wrong.... I don't know what else to do).

2. when I talked to him calmly (ok- I"m sure he could hear in my voice I was not completely sweet and calm) and I said "we don't hurt people" "Hurting people is wrong".
He said "Hurting is RIGHT".

didn't I say the right thing? Now what?

I'm not able to remain calm when DS hurts baby- I find it horrible and unbearable.

I know it's cause he's mad at baby- baby ALWAYS "has what he wants". But I haven't been successful at changing that either.

please help, before things really go downhill!
:hugheart it's not about you saying the right thing, either. He just not old enough or mature enough to internalize what you are saying. :hugheart

[greenishmama]

Really, if he hands the baby the extra pieces, why does it matter? :hug


I meant that there is a set of toys that can be shared, like duplos say. Baby was playing with them. Then 3.5 yr wants them. So he starts playing with some. Fine. But then he won't stop until he has taken every last one from baby!

He has an uncontrolabe urge to make sure that baby rarely plays with anything!

[MarynMunchkins]

In that case, I'd move him away from the baby and give him his own activity. If there's one toy or type of toys that he constantly wants, I'd move it to his room and tell him he can play with it alone there.

[Rabbit]

Samantha went through a dragon hording stage. She had to start playing on the table, or on the bed, out of Simon's reach, for her own sanity, because the -need- to horde was overwhelming her. Having very few toys out helped a lot.

Simon wound up playing in the playpen, or other spaces where she couldn't reach in and snatch everything.

[greenishmama]

We had a breakthrough I think... but not for the greatest reason. This morning DS was obsessed with wanting, having, buying a new train again. (we go through this once in a while). Finally, ( I wasnt' feeling great this morning) and I told him to go get his piggy bank and sort the coins and then we counted it. Found out he has enough to buy a train at Michael's with a 40% off coupon. He has never bought anything with "his" $ before.... in the end I told him 1. he had to wait til we got the Sunday paper and hope that there is a coupon in there. 2. He needs to improve his behavior with baby and practice sharing more and not be mean or try to hurt him- in order for mommy or daddy to take him to the store to buy it.

ahhhh- is that terrible? It is working!!! He is thinking up his own ways to be nice and share!! I've never done anything like that before. Tell me if that is totally wrong for me to have said that....