Jenny
06-15-2008, 08:33 PM
Something That's Been on My Mind
I've heard many people throughout my life make comments along the lines of, "If people would just discipline their kids…" or "It drives me crazy when people don't discipline their kids." Often, although not always, comments are made especially when observing a stranger and their kid in public- at a store, restaurant, or park, maybe.
As a parent, I have some thoughts I'd like to offer on the subject.
Usually when children are "acting up," whining, crying, complaining, misbehaving—there's a reason. But often to the casual observer who is only catching a snippet of the family's day and the family's life, the reasons behind the behavior can't be seen. Here are just a few examples I can think of:
The child may be overtired, over-stimulated, hungry, or coming down with something. There may be a lot of stress in the family (maybe a death, or a recent move, or some other struggle). All those things absolutely affect the way a person behaves. I know when I am tired, or have had to run one errand too many, or I'm hungry, or not feeling well, or life is just plain stressful, I have a hard time being at my best. I tend to get grumpy, irritable, and unpleasant to be around. If it's hard for me as an adult to be on my best behavior under those conditions, imagine how hard it is for a child. Children are, after all, not adults. Small children simply cannot control themselves and their emotions the way adults can. They aren't yet capable of reasoning, "Well, I'm just tired and hungry, if I can just get through this shopping trip I'll be okay." So out the emotions pour.
Another thing people may not think about are special needs. There are children with special needs who are developmentally or emotionally not capable of handling things as well as they "look" like they should be able to. I never thought about this myself until my three year old son was diagnosed with developmental delays and we learned that he was developmentally around the age of 1. At that point I realized that I could not yet expect 3 year old behavior out of him; I had to expect him to behave his developmental age, not his chronological age. Over the past few years he has "caught up" developmentally and is now functioning at his age level. But what about the 5 year old you see in the store who may be acting like a 2 year old, and you think to yourself with disgust, "If those parents would just discipline their kid, he wouldn't act like that." Yet he may be a special needs child who is developmentally at the age of 2. That's what that family has to work with. They are undoubtedly stressed out and embarrassed; they don't need judgment.
In fact, I'll apply that last statement to parents across the board, special needs children or not. Because even typically developing children are only capable of acting their ages; children are not adults. Two year olds act two. Three year olds act three. And so on. When your child is acting up in the store or at the park or in a restaurant—which will undoubtedly happen from time to time, because children do act like children—you are going to feel people staring at you. You're going to feel their judgment, you're going to feel embarrassed, and you're going to want to scream something like, "He's not normally like this! He's had a long day! He's tired, he's hungry, I'm not a bad parent, just give me a break already!" I've been there. Oh yes, I've been there. And now when I see parents out with a kid who is melting down, I have nothing but empathy for them because I understand. I try to offer a kind smile and maybe even a sympathetic comment, because I know I'm just seeing a (very stressful and embarrassing) snippet of their day.
One last point I'd like to make—I think most people would agree that the only person we can control is ourselves. We may want to control the people around us, and we may even try to control them, but in the end, the way other people choose to behave is up to them. We each can only control ourselves. The same principle is true in parenting. No matter how diligently you try to teach your child (because discipline is ultimately about teaching, not controlling), you can't control every single thing they do. They will choose behaviors that are not the ideal sometimes, for various reasons. And the parent's job is to respond by treating the child like the normal, still-developing-and-learning human being he/she is and teaching the correct behaviors. Even God doesn't sit up in heaven and control our behavior—we make choices. So to expect a parent to be able to control every single thing their child does is, honestly, unreasonable. Parents can teach, guide, and disciple their children, but they cannot control them (although, sadly, there are parents who do resort to emotional manipulation, verbal shaming, or physical violence to try to control their children).
My point is, I don't think it's fair or necessary to judge a family based on an episode you see in the store or the park or a restaurant. There are so many reasons that could be behind the behaviors you're seeing, and you have no way of knowing what factors may be at work in that particular situation. More than likely, the parent would appreciate a kind smile. You will too, when your kid melts down in the store one day.
I've heard many people throughout my life make comments along the lines of, "If people would just discipline their kids…" or "It drives me crazy when people don't discipline their kids." Often, although not always, comments are made especially when observing a stranger and their kid in public- at a store, restaurant, or park, maybe.
As a parent, I have some thoughts I'd like to offer on the subject.
Usually when children are "acting up," whining, crying, complaining, misbehaving—there's a reason. But often to the casual observer who is only catching a snippet of the family's day and the family's life, the reasons behind the behavior can't be seen. Here are just a few examples I can think of:
The child may be overtired, over-stimulated, hungry, or coming down with something. There may be a lot of stress in the family (maybe a death, or a recent move, or some other struggle). All those things absolutely affect the way a person behaves. I know when I am tired, or have had to run one errand too many, or I'm hungry, or not feeling well, or life is just plain stressful, I have a hard time being at my best. I tend to get grumpy, irritable, and unpleasant to be around. If it's hard for me as an adult to be on my best behavior under those conditions, imagine how hard it is for a child. Children are, after all, not adults. Small children simply cannot control themselves and their emotions the way adults can. They aren't yet capable of reasoning, "Well, I'm just tired and hungry, if I can just get through this shopping trip I'll be okay." So out the emotions pour.
Another thing people may not think about are special needs. There are children with special needs who are developmentally or emotionally not capable of handling things as well as they "look" like they should be able to. I never thought about this myself until my three year old son was diagnosed with developmental delays and we learned that he was developmentally around the age of 1. At that point I realized that I could not yet expect 3 year old behavior out of him; I had to expect him to behave his developmental age, not his chronological age. Over the past few years he has "caught up" developmentally and is now functioning at his age level. But what about the 5 year old you see in the store who may be acting like a 2 year old, and you think to yourself with disgust, "If those parents would just discipline their kid, he wouldn't act like that." Yet he may be a special needs child who is developmentally at the age of 2. That's what that family has to work with. They are undoubtedly stressed out and embarrassed; they don't need judgment.
In fact, I'll apply that last statement to parents across the board, special needs children or not. Because even typically developing children are only capable of acting their ages; children are not adults. Two year olds act two. Three year olds act three. And so on. When your child is acting up in the store or at the park or in a restaurant—which will undoubtedly happen from time to time, because children do act like children—you are going to feel people staring at you. You're going to feel their judgment, you're going to feel embarrassed, and you're going to want to scream something like, "He's not normally like this! He's had a long day! He's tired, he's hungry, I'm not a bad parent, just give me a break already!" I've been there. Oh yes, I've been there. And now when I see parents out with a kid who is melting down, I have nothing but empathy for them because I understand. I try to offer a kind smile and maybe even a sympathetic comment, because I know I'm just seeing a (very stressful and embarrassing) snippet of their day.
One last point I'd like to make—I think most people would agree that the only person we can control is ourselves. We may want to control the people around us, and we may even try to control them, but in the end, the way other people choose to behave is up to them. We each can only control ourselves. The same principle is true in parenting. No matter how diligently you try to teach your child (because discipline is ultimately about teaching, not controlling), you can't control every single thing they do. They will choose behaviors that are not the ideal sometimes, for various reasons. And the parent's job is to respond by treating the child like the normal, still-developing-and-learning human being he/she is and teaching the correct behaviors. Even God doesn't sit up in heaven and control our behavior—we make choices. So to expect a parent to be able to control every single thing their child does is, honestly, unreasonable. Parents can teach, guide, and disciple their children, but they cannot control them (although, sadly, there are parents who do resort to emotional manipulation, verbal shaming, or physical violence to try to control their children).
My point is, I don't think it's fair or necessary to judge a family based on an episode you see in the store or the park or a restaurant. There are so many reasons that could be behind the behaviors you're seeing, and you have no way of knowing what factors may be at work in that particular situation. More than likely, the parent would appreciate a kind smile. You will too, when your kid melts down in the store one day.