I feel so lost

[mamasab]

I should start by saying that in reality I don't know a ton about GD. I know that it is something I aspire to, but I've NEVER seen it lived out and don't have a lot of practical information on how to make it part of my life. I have a 14 mo DD and the things I have been able to read about GD just don't seem to apply to such a young child! Up till the past few weeks, I wasn't thinking much about how to discipline...I didn't have to. But then I blinked and my baby became a toddler and I am so lost.
She's taken to hitting me. A lot. And sometimes biting. I don't know what to do. I am just so tired of it, I am sitting here with a bleeding lip from her hitting me in the face and scratching me. This is what we have done, but it doesn't seem to be working....we've worked on "gentle touches", I've put her down and away from me when she starts to hit telling her that "we don't hit" (and this leads to a meltdown), and in moments when I think I'm losing my mind I've grabbed her hand and spoken very harshly about not hitting. She hits when she's frustrated or excited, and it seems to be happening more and more frequently....and she really only seems to do it to me. Sigh.
I don't know how to make a 14 month old, strong willed toddler, understand that she can't continue to beat up her mommy on a day to day basis! I'm getting so burn out by this, and it may sound silly but it hurts me emotionally too.

Of course the only advice I've gotten thusfar is to hit her/bite her back, thanks to pretty much everyone I know IRL. I know they think she's walking all over me, and I'm starting to feel that way too. Any sound advice out there for me?

[FaroeIslandBabes]

I'm just learning about how to apply GBD too...so I dont really have too much advice, but Im sure you'll get a ton of answers from other seasoned mamas and a ton of prayers... :hug2 :pray4 :heart

[spatchie]

what sets her off? Does she hit when she's tired or hungry? Do you see a pattern? This may be a place start.

[mamasab]

She hits when she's tired, when she's hungry, when she wants to nurse but can't do it at that exact moment, sometimes when I try to redirect her from something she isn't supposed to do (or take something from her that she isn't supposed to have)....it seems like so many things can set her off!

[spatchie]

Definitely DON'T hit or bite her back. She is trying to communicate to you when she is hitting and needs gentle, loving and consistent redirection. Is she saying words yet? Can she tell you when she's hungry? If not, perhaps make up a "sign" (like putting fingers to mouth). The being tired one is hard 'cause I don't think little ones recognize being tired as easily. I think your reation to the hitting is going to be the key. Some examples might be:

She hits you b/c she's hungry...you say, "Are you hungry? okay, show Mommy that your hungry (teach her a sign)." After she does the sign, praise her, and say, "Good girl. When you're hungry just show Mommy this (showing her the sign)." followed by lots of praise, hugs and kisses. Teach her the sign at times when she's in a good mood too to get her familiar with it.

I would suggest not reacting in shock, or showing that you are upset when she hits you, but smile back and say,"Mommy like it better when you give me hugs and kisses" and start giving her playful kisses with some tickles. Try to focus on what the need is at the time of the hitting. Meet the need while reminding her of simple ways to communicate to you while being loving and/or playful.

:hug2 I just want to encourage you with a hug. You are seeking to do the right thing and that is awesome!! Parenting is a lot of repetition in those early years. and we all have had to use patience. Have you heard of the book, "Playful Parenting" I haven't read it, but have seen it suggested here many times. It may be worth reading.

:heart

[Sakura]

Here are some of the things I do (GD responses) to my 15 month old's behavior, like hitting mommy:

(Most of the time, when he hits me it is when he just isn't feeling good or I have said "no-no" about something that he can't have.)

I reply and say "No, we don't hit people" and I hold his hands down for just a little bit. For instance, if I'm sitting on the sofa and he is slapping my knees (with upset/anger intent and not just playing) I hold his hands with my hands on my knees and say the "No we don't hit people. I know you're upset you can't have ________ or I know your teeth are probably hurting you and you don't feel good." And then depending on if it is his feeling upset or if it is him not feeling good I do one of the following:

Upset/angry:
I tell him it's not okay to hit people, but you can slap the sofa. And I reflect his feelings - "I know you're upset about ______ but you may not hit mommy"

Not feeling good:
I tell him it's not okay to hit people - that we touch people gently - picking up his hand to rub my knee gently. And then hold him to comfort him or rub Orajel on his gums or anything else that I feel he is needing for his not-feeling-good.

Blessings to you! :hugheart :hugheart

[Myrtle]

A lot of what you're already doing is great, but it takes a ton of repetition at that age. Ds is 19 months, and we're still working on the gentle touches. When he gets angry and hits, usually it's just a second or two before he says, "dentle" and pats whoever he hit softly. He's starting to get it, but at this age he just doesn't have the ability to control himself very well yet. It's been neat to watch his progress though. He started with not responding very much at first, and he moved on to showing Mommy gentle hands after he calmed down and then on to showing gentle hands on his own most of the time. Kids aren't born with the tools to deal well with their emotions, and that's why they need us to teach them acceptable ways to handle them. I hope some other moms will chime in with more options, too. What works with one child doesn't always work with another.

Oh, and btw, if you're not feeling up to talking gbd with people who suggest you bite/hit your child, you could always fall back on Dr. Phil. He had a show about that once and was :hunh at the parents who suggested that and really went off on them about it. He's pretty mainstream, and a lot of people will listen to him when they wouldn't listen to ideas of gbd. And that'll get them off your back. :shifty

[Sakura]

Kids aren't born with the tools to deal well with their emotions, and that's why they need us to teach them acceptable ways to handle them. Great statement! :yes

[MarynMunchkins]

:hugheart

Give her words to practice so she can use those when she's upset or angry. Catch her hands ahead of time so she can't hurt you. Offer teething tablets liberally so she's less inclined to bite, and do lots of sensory play.

Then repeat ad nauseum for months and months. :giggle It'll take time, but she'll get it. :)

[joy]

Then repeat ad nauseum for months and months. :giggle It'll take time, but she'll get it. :)

Yup. I can see that my DS is now restraining himself at times which in the past would have become a Mommy Smack-Down. I did a lot of what is recommended above. Also now - he is now using the phrase "I AM SO SAD!" when he is upset - which he learned from me when I would reflect his feelings back.

So please keep trying - it is worth it.

[canadiyank]

"Ouch! Biting hurts. You bit food (or this teething toy)." She may be working on canines, too, which are painful. Teething tablets are good, as is chewing on a cold washcloth or something. I'd try to get more texture-y things like that going on and then redirect her when she bites. That truly is something she'll outgrow, meanwhile try to head it off, teach, and redirect.

For hitting, first name the emotion (as best you can...it's ok to guess...your point here is to teach them "feelings words" so they can begin to use those words in the future instead of physical action). "Wow, you're angry/sad/excited." Then set a limit, "And you may not hit me." (important to say "and," not "but," so it doesn't invalidate the previous reflecting feelings). Then tell what she *can* do, "You may jump the angries out or ask for a cuddle."

For excited hitting I redirect it into a high-five when I see it coming, "You're excited! High-five!"

From the Dealing With Disappointment (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=102617.0) thread:

First, the steps for dealing with a crisis:

1. Check for safety. Move anyone or anything being hurt.
2. Acknowledge feelings. "It's ok to feel ____." (Identifying feelings gives them a feelings vocabulary, that feelings are acceptable, and that their feelings are different from actions. It's ok to "guess" at their feelings and be wrong...they're still learning and if they can tell you're wrong, great!)
3. Set limits. "And I will not let you _____." (Notice use of "and" here instead of "but," which can negate or minimize their feelings you idenitified in step 2.)
4. Offer choices. "You may ____ or _____ instead." (These are the skills you've introduced at other times.)
5. Offer support. "Would you like me to ___?" ("Offering support may be tricky. Some children want to be left alone, others feel abandoned if you leave. You can ask what the child wants, but remember that she may really not know. You may need to experiment to see what works best." p. 17.)

We also have collected posts about biting (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=136622.0) and hitting (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=119140.0) in our GD Info and FAQs (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?board=231.0) section.

[mamasab]

Thank you all so much for your advice and support! You have no idea how much it has helped and lifted my spirits. Today has gone infinitely better! I've realized that there are times that I can very easily fend off a fit by just looking at the world through her eyes and being more patient. Just the fact that I'm talking to her more seems to be very soothing...I think she can tell that mommy is trying to understand her and that alone has made a difference.
I think I got too stuck in the "I've got to teach her that she can't hit/bite" and ended up feeding her frustration with my negativity and harsh reactions. I don't think I've got it down perfectly now, by any means, but I can tell you this...by following some of the advice here I've seen my little girl smile more and cry less, and for that I am thankful beyond words.
I'm getting a little teary, I'd better stop it! :heart

[spatchie]

:tu

[Sakura]

Thank you all so much for your advice and support! You have no idea how much it has helped and lifted my spirits. Today has gone infinitely better! I've realized that there are times that I can very easily fend off a fit by just looking at the world through her eyes and being more patient. Just the fact that I'm talking to her more seems to be very soothing...I think she can tell that mommy is trying to understand her and that alone has made a difference.
I think I got too stuck in the "I've got to teach her that she can't hit/bite" and ended up feeding her frustration with my negativity and harsh reactions. I don't think I've got it down perfectly now, by any means, but I can tell you this...by following some of the advice here I've seen my little girl smile more and cry less, and for that I am thankful beyond words.
I'm getting a little teary, I'd better stop it! :heart
:happytears :hugheart :heart

[canadiyank]

:heart